Rescue Me (33 page)

He worked his jaw as he stared straight
ahead. “I can't help when I'm called away.”

“Before that, your answer was always
'nothing.'“

“I couldn't say anything.”

“You have an excuse for everything, don't
you?”

His jaw tensed even further and his breathing
deepened, most likely in an attempt to contain his temper. It was
safe to say she'd pushed him beyond the threshold and now she felt
like hell because of it. He was doing everything to keep her safe
and she thanked him by treating him like shit.

“Kathryn, would you listen to yourself? I'm
trying to keep you alive. Don't you get it? We're running for our
lives here. Everything else can wait.”

She hated that he was right. “Fine, but I'm
still not going back to your house.”

He jerked the car over to the side of the
road and stopped. Kat shrank back against the door when the look in
his dark, stormy eyes made her wonder whether she would have been
safer back at her apartment.

“Now you listen to me,” he started,
precariously low and even. Not a good sign. When Spencer got
pissed, he yelled. He barked orders. He paced wildly. But he only
spoke in the tone he used now when he got dangerous. “I know what I
did to you was wrong. I know I hurt you. I've told you I'm sorry.
I've asked for your forgiveness several times and you said no. I.
Got. It.”

“You screwed me over, Spencer. You may think
you did me some sort of a favor by not telling me what really
happened. That's not even the point. You led me to believe we were
too late. You didn't just let me down. You betrayed every person on
that search.”

When he kept his gaze fixed on the dash, she
went on. “They all busted their ass looking for that man and you
had them running around in circles from the directions you gave me.
They bust their ass at every search. Where else are we going to
find people who get up in the middle of the night and rush out into
the bitter cold to look for a complete stranger?”

“What the fuck do you have against me
protecting people I care about?”

She flinched at his tone, so cold and
exact.

He softened his voice. “I was doing it to
protect them. I'd rather have K-SAR running around in circles miles
away from the subject than in the line of fire.”

“This isn't about me anymore, although that
doesn't help your cause. It's the fact you let them all think they
were too late. I wasn't the only one devastated by that search. If
the K-SAR team ever found out what you did they'd treat you a hell
of a lot worse.”

His expression eased ever so slightly. “So
why are you treating me differently?”

Her heart bounced painfully. “Because I loved
you.”

He lowered his gaze, his jaw tensing and
relaxing along with his deep breathing. “And now?”

“I hate you.” As soon as she let the words
slip, she regretted them and closed her eyes against the pain as it
consumed her.

She didn't think it possible, but she found
three words that did more damage than
I love you.
She
expected him to throw some sort of rage-induced tantrum. Scream at
her with his favorite obscenities. But he didn't do any of that.
Stealing a glance at him, her breath hitched when he drew in a
sharp breath and nodded curtly.

Her heart collapsed on itself as the weight
of what she said sank in. Her guilt made it hard for her to hold
her tears back. She couldn't believe it. His fight, the spark in
his eyes, all faded to nothing. Just like that. Because of her. Her
chin quivered. She desperately wanted to say something to bring
that light back. She couldn't stand it if he gave up on her on top
of everything else.

Jesus. What was she doing? To him? To her?
She'd nearly died tonight. That put a few things into
perspective.

“Spence?”

Without a word, he pulled the car back onto
the road. He didn't look at her, didn't acknowledge her sitting
next to him. Nothing. The silence was more than Kat could take.

“Spencer?” Her breath caught in her throat
when he brought his hand up. She snapped her mouth shut.

He flipped on the radio. Of course he had it
on some Country/Western station. He loved his country music. Kat
concentrated on the words to clear her thoughts.

A song about regret filled the airwaves. She
turned the station. More country music filled the car. This time a
song about the perfect match. Best friends and all that. Kat
groaned and turned the station again. And again. And again.
Something else they didn't have in common. He hated her
American
Idol
soundtracks and she couldn't stand country.

“Would you just settle on one?” he
barked.

She found some smooth jazz, a song with no
words. She closed her eyes and listened to the music.

The last sound she heard before drifting off
was the sound of Spencer's teeth grinding together above everything
else.

Kat felt a nudge to her shoulder and blinked
awake. She lifted her head off the back of the seat and looked
around. They were in the parking lot of a motel she didn't
recognize.

Spencer stepped out of the car. “Here we are.
Home sweet… Uh… Yeah.”

It looked like one of those motels from
CSI
where they'd get called out to investigate a murder. As
she slowly glanced around, she searched for the yellow DO NOT CROSS
tape. “What are we doing here?”

His expression hardened as he set his jaw.
“You didn't want me to take you to my house, remember?”

“What about a Best Western? Or a Marriott?”
This place gave her the creeps and she hadn't even stepped out of
the car.

“Too obvious.”

Her mouth fell open. “Too obvious? Spencer,
I'd never stay at a place like this.”

He nodded. “Exactly.”

Damn him. He didn't have to look so smug.
“I'm not staying here. The Bates Motel would be more
welcoming.”

“Well, since you didn't give me any other
choice, I'm giving you that same consideration.” His tone sliced
right into her heart.

A pang of guilt hit her hard. She'd been such
a bitch to him. Enough was enough. It wasn't her, and the role she
played grated on her nerves. She didn't like this person she'd
turned into. She could only imagine how he must feel toward her
right now.

“Stay here. Keep the doors locked.” He
hesitated, but then instead slammed the door, locked her in, and
then walked up to the office. She watched him disappear inside and
could see him through the window as he spoke with the clerk.
Spencer nodded a few times and brought out his wallet, paying in
cash. He then came back to the car.

“I've got us a room.” He grabbed her bag out
of the back and went to her door. After opening it, he reached in
to help her out.

“A single room?”

He audibly growled as his jaw tensed and Kat
knew better than to push the issue. After the night she'd just had,
having Spencer in the same motel room was the least of her worries.
“That's fine.”

“I wasn't asking your permission,” he snapped
and led the way. Kat numbly followed. She deserved that one.

They stopped in front of a faded blue door,
its numbers on a tarnished brass plaque hanging sideways by a
single nail. As Spencer opened the door, the plaque made an eerie
metal-to-metal scraping noise. Her spine crawled.

As he turned on lights she had a chance to
look around. It was dismal, smelled like old socks, and she knew
better than to touch anything. But what really caught her attention
was the small bed poised up against the far wall. It wasn't any
bigger than a glorified twin and another chill raced across her
flesh, along with a skip in her pulse. If they attempted to share
that bed, she'd end up tangled in the arms of a very pissed
Spencer. She'd want to comfort him. Maybe a little kiss. He'd kiss
her back. She'd lose herself in him and he'd definitely find a way
inside her.

“It's all they had. You take the bed,” he
grumbled after bolting the door. “I'll sleep in the tub.” He walked
into the bathroom and slammed the door behind him.

She fell onto the bed and pulled her knees to
her chest as she leaned against the wall. She wasn't going to cry,
damn it. She was
not
going to cry. The raw lump expanded in
her throat and she fought hard to keep it down. When her eyes
swelled with burning tears, she blinked and angrily wiped them
away.

Stop it!

It was no use. The lump demanded to be free.
The burning tears flowed. Too weak to fight it, she released a
painful sob and dropped her head to her knees. The weight of
everything that had happened caught up with her. This past week.
This past year. Her baby being blown up. The sobs came faster and
harder as she allowed the anguish to finally take over.

Kat felt a hand on her back and brought her
head up with a start. Spencer appeared by her side, soothing her
with his gentle words, his touch. She allowed him to take her into
his arms, the comfort from his strength easing her agony. All at
once, her emotions went into overdrive and she completely lost it,
crying uncontrollably. Sob after painful sob tore through her,
making it hard to breathe. As soon as she took a gasp of air,
another sob would rob it right out of her.

“Shh, baby. I'm right here.” He soothed her
and brushed a hand over her hair. “I won't let anything happen to
you. I promise.”

He couldn't promise something like that, but
hearing those words pulled even deeper sobs that racked her
insides. She wished she could believe him. She needed to believe
him.

“I didn't do anything wrong. I was only doing
my job. And now I'm hiding with someone I want to hide from.” Kat
sobbed harder and tightened her hold on him, her thoughts blurring
together through her grief. She didn't think about them, she just
let them out, rambling incoherently.

“My Xterra is gone. All of my CDs are gone. I
had my Kindle in there. Gone. If you hadn't come when you did—” She
stopped, not wanting to think what would have happened if he hadn't
been there.

“But I did,” he broke in, brushing her hair
with his hand. He kissed her forehead and it brought fresh tears
burning from the inside.

“I thought you and I were—” She gulped and
had to take a breath. “I hate you for what you did. And I hate that
I fell in love with you again. I wanted us to be so happy.” She
sobbed hard. “And we were. Damn it.” She wiped her eyes and nose on
his shoulder. “And now I feel like such a fool. Why, Spencer? Why
couldn't we just be happy?”

He growled deep in his chest. “I'm so
sorry.”

“I don't want it to end like this. I'm almost
thirty and I'm not married. I don't have kids. Am I really that
bad? Women my age are married. They have families. No wonder you
didn't want to marry me. I'm such a bitch.”

“Kathryn,” he stated softly, his breath warm
against her face. “Please don't think like that. You are so
special. You don't deserve what you're going through.” He sighed
and it made his whole chest move. “You don't deserve any of
it.”

His words brought another round of
heart-tearing sobs. “Didn't I at least deserve you? Didn't I
deserve some happiness in my pathetic little life? I wanted a
future with you. I come home every night to an empty apartment and
have a frozen dinner by myself. I don't even have a dog.”

Spencer chuckled and it made his chest jump.
Kat snuggled closer as her sobs diminished to short convulsions of
breath.

“I think,” he said after several minutes of
wonderful silence, “that you deserve all the happiness in the
world, Kathryn Louise Davis.” He sighed and the warmth and scent
from his chest invaded her senses. “I wanted to be the one to give
that to you. I wish I could.”

There was a time when Spencer brought her
happiness. She wished she could just forgive him and go back to the
way they were. She pushed against Spencer's chest to move away. He
resisted at first, but then he lowered his arms and let her go. As
she met his gaze, feeling foolish for having such a ridiculous
breakdown in front of him, her breath caught.

Emotions swelled in his brilliant eyes,
leaving fresh tears hovering.

* * * *

Outside of his dad dying, Spencer hadn't
cried since he was ten years old. He broke the living room window
and his dad gave him the belt whooping of his life. Spencer
remembered the tears in his dad's eyes as he delivered the
punishment. His dad had told him, “Son, this is going to hurt me
more than it does you.” Spencer couldn't understand how delivering
the pain could possibly be worse than receiving it.

Until now.

Having Kathryn break down in his arms tore at
his very essence. He had to fight the tears back more than once. It
just so happened, when she pulled away, she caught him at his most
vulnerable. Hell, he wished she hadn't seen him like that.

He grimaced. He wanted to be a rock for her,
a pillar of strength. Instead, he caused her pain. And he knew he
couldn't do a damn thing to take that pain away.

Damn it. He loved her. He could tell her, but
a declaration this late in the game would only piss her off
more.

Hiding out in the bathroom like a coward,
Spencer studied his image in the mirror. Jesus, he looked like
shit. Dark circles shadowed his eyes. He hadn't shaved in days. His
hair was riddled with—what was that? Bomb residue?

Since devoting his life to keeping Kathryn
out of trouble, he hadn't gotten much sleep. He wondered if it
would ever get any easier. With a chuckle, he knew it wouldn't.
Keeping up with her was a full-time job. Good thing he was
currently unemployed.

He washed and dried his face, then decided it
wasn't enough and turned the water on for a shower. The room filled
with steam and he jumped in. The water relaxed him, but he couldn't
keep his mind off their situation to fully enjoy the benefits.
Instead, he abruptly washed and turned off the water. He stilled
when he heard Kathryn talking to someone.