Resist (London) (11 page)

Good start.

“It’s nothing Mase, I swear I’m fine. I’ve just been busy with stuff.”

He was lying. I knew it. He knew I knew it too. He quickly changed the subject.

“So are you two like,
together
now?” He asked.

Knowing he was asking about me and Harper, I answered, “Not yet. But we will be.” I threw in a smirk for good measure. It was a cocky smirk, but hey, I knew I’d get what I wanted one day. Soon!

That smirk was wiped straight off my face when he spoke next.

“Um, Mase?”
It was hesitant, nervous almost.

What the fuck?

“Seriously? What’s up?”

He was making me worry. It was like he was a different person. Ruben is the one who always knows what to do.
For him to be hesitant? Not good.

“Well, how much do you remember from when…you know…back when we were younger?”

I gulped, we’d never spoke about it, not really. It wasn’t worth mentioning, but the fact he was asking about it really bothered me. Worried me even.

“All of it I’m guessing. You’re only a year younger than me, so probably the same amount as you. Why are you asking?”

He looked like a lost little boy and it scared the shit out of me. This was Ruben! Yeah he’d always been quiet, but like I said, he was scary smart and nothing ever really fazed him.

Uh oh!

“Well, do you ever wonder, sort of, what would have happened if Jax never came back for us? Do you think we would have got out by ourselves? Do you miss anything about being back there? Do you ever think about anyone from those days at all?”

Whoa!

“I…ahh…not really! None of the people from those days are worth thinking about…” I frowned when his jaw clenched at my answer.

Odd?

But I went on.

“There’s no point thinking about what might have been, it’s in the past, irrelevant.”

“Ok. Thanks.” He answered and then walked away.

I shook my head and tried to stop myself from worrying about him. He was smart, he’d figure out whatever was bothering him.

I Hoped.

I’m not fucked up by my past. I know most people probably would be. I think even Jax might be, but I’m just
not
.

I had shit parents. Really shit parents.
Drug dealers, child abusers. We were starved, beaten, forced to make drug runs. The only thing they didn’t do was get us hooked on the same drugs, probably the best thing they ever did. It wasn’t through some sense of doing the right thing though, no, they wouldn’t have known what the right thing was if it smacked them in the fucking face. They didn’t get us hooked on the drugs, because they didn’t want to share. Fucked up, right? Bastards.

I know that’s huge and it’s weird how I can just say what happened without thinking about it. But what difference would it make to think about it all the time?
None.

Jax saved us, in every way. He’s my brother, my dad and one of my best friends. Oh, and I’m pretty sure he killed the bastards I called mum and dad. I don’t think I’ll ever know for sure, I also don’t care. I’m glad they’re gone. I’m glad they died knowing that they spent their entire lives being fucked up useless assholes,
who had one son who hadn’t seen them in over six years and two other sons who hated them with every fibre of their beings.

I wouldn’t want them around now. I wouldn’t want them to see what Jax has done for us. What he’s made of himself when he didn’t have them around to poison him. I wouldn’t want them to see how smart Ruben is, the fact that we’re all good guys.

No, I’d never want them to see any of it. They don’t deserve to know that they made boys who learnt the difference between right and wrong for themselves.

So no, I’m not fucked up by my past. It’s just that.
The past.

Still doesn’t mean I ever speak about it. I don’t.

It’s better off left where it is.

I arrived home thinking I could just lounge around in my room for a few hours before heading back to Harper’s and getting in her space a bit more. I knew I was beginning to get on her nerves because she was on edge a lot.

Exactly what I was aiming for.

People who are forced outside of their comfort zones and prone to making rash decisions and doing things they wouldn’t normally do, and she needed to let go a bit. It was odd, how carefree and loose she thought she was, yet it was plain to see she was so insistent on following her own fucking rules that she was basically chained.
A prisoner.

I wasn’t stupid though. I had a plan and it was already going exactly as I thought. I figured she’d explode soon, really lose her freaking mind…perfect.

Just perfect.

Bless
her, she really didn’t have a clue!

Harper

I was so confused, and with having Mason constantly in my face, always around, breathing down my neck, if he wasn’t actually there, he was texting and calling. I wasn’t getting the time and space I needed to sort my head out.

He actually
consumed
me. Thoughts, feelings, dreams, mind, body. The air surrounding him was constantly charged with an undercurrent of, well,
something.
Something like, he knew things that everyone else didn’t, authoritative, not in an ‘I’m-better-than-you’ way, just, like he held possession of his world in his hands. Controlling.

He still maintained that we were friends, but the longer he was around, the more he was crowding me. ‘Innocent’ touches, holding my hand from one place to another (I did fight him on this, but eventually I learnt tha
t it was just easier to give in), casually brushing my hair over my shoulder. I think he thought it was a game. It wasn’t though, he was toying with my emotions.

I didn’t want to like the attention he was giving me, I really didn’t. I should want him to back off a bit, or all together, just let me go back to pre-Mason days. Days when I could come and go as I pleased, not have to worry about getting dressed at all if I didn’t feel like it, days when I could just be by myself!

But a small part of me, a part that I was trying my damned hardest to ignore, was coming alive…thriving even, craving more and more attention from him, and only him. I honestly felt like I was losing my mind. How could I despise and crave his actions so much, at the same time? How could I want him around me permanently, yet need my own space more than I needed to breathe?

It was so fucked up.

I sighed when I heard the front door open but didn’t even bother turning my head, I knew who it would be.

“What are you doing here again Mase, you just left here this
morning.” I asked, trying to keep the frustration out of my voice.

“Hey Sunshine
. Told you once already today, I’m here because I want to be. Suck it up beautiful, and get used to it!”

“I see you more than I see Jase and I bloody live with him!” I exclaimed. I couldn’t figure it out, that wasn’t friendship,
it was fucking borderline stalking.

“I need some space Mason, you’re driving me crazy!” I added, voice rising. He just stared at me, looking blank.

“Seriously! How can you not understand this? You’re everywhere. It’s pissing me off, I just want time to be by myself, spend time with my friends, not have to find out where you are and what you’re doing to know if I can do whatever I want to do! Honestly? How do you even get away with being like this? I’m losing my fucking mind here!”

Okay, so I may have over exaggerated slightly, but he needed telling!

He frowned, as if he didn’t realise he’d been seriously crowding me, open his mouth, closed it again, then sighed, looking almost resigned.

“Ok, here’s the deal. I know exactly what I’ve been doing, but I don’t care about being your friend, I’ll still take it, rather than nothing. But I want to be with you. You already know that and you’re just
pretending like you don’t so you can keep me around. But I’m getting bored with this shit. You strut around here half naked most the fuckin’ time in your tiny shorts and your low-cut tops. It’s killing me too ya know! Don’t act like you’re shocked because you’re not. I’ve already had you once, and mark my words beautiful girl, it’ll happen again. You can be damn sure of that.”

“I, you, what?”
I stuttered.

I was pretty sure I’d already made myself clear that I wasn’t interested in pursuing anything with him, he was hot, he was nice, he had money, but he could have been Mr fucking Perfect and it wouldn’t have mattered. I had my rules, and relationships we’re not allowed. I saw my chance and I took it.

“This is why I didn’t want to be your friend in the first place Mason! I’m...not...interested...in you. You’re wasting your time. I think you’re a great guy, you’re just not for me.”

You big fat liar Harper-Marie!

“Stop fuckin’ kidding you yourself. What’s stopping you, hey? We had sex
this morning!
You weren’t arguing then!”

I blew out a frustrated breath and stared him
down, I didn’t want him thinking he owned me too. No one did. Demanding answers from me really wasn’t the best way to proceed, but it would all be so much easier if he wasn’t so damn gorgeous. I could just tell him to do one, fuck off, get out, whatever it was, just to make him leave. I knew I had to play it differently though, he wouldn’t leave without answers, so I thought I’d share a snippet, just the tip of the iceberg, so to speak.

“Ok, well you’ve said yours, so here’s
my
deal Mase, I refuse to get into a relationship. Not any time soon at least, maybe not ever. I won’t have people telling me what to do, I won’t play by your rules, or anyone else’s for that matter. So you’re hot, and we had great sex a couple of times, it means
nothing!
I like you, you’re a decent guy, but you need to give this up. It...is...never...going... to...happen” I spoke slowly for the last few words hoping they’d sink in.

They didn’t.

Fuck.

“Why? Why don’t you want to follow anyone else’s rules? Why are you dead set against any sort of relationship?
In fact, why does anything have to be about rules at all? Huh?”

“Fuck you Mase! I don’t have to tell you anything. That’s just the way it is. Stop pushing me, you’re getting on my nerves now.”

“You know what Sunshine? I’ll let you have your play this time. Seems you need a break and I’ll give it you. But you don’t have to keep fighting me, I’m not asking you to marry me for fuck sake! You’re acting like I’m trying to tie you down and I’m not, I think you’re thinking way too much into this. You’re strung too tight, loosen your chains a little bit babe and you might find that you actually like what you’ve got. Right now, you’ve got nothing. Listen to me though, I’ll get you there. With me.”

Then he just turned and was preparing to leave. Well, shit. I didn’t like the determination written all over his face. He was so annoying! I was pretty sure I wasn’t leading him on so I just didn’t see why he would even stick around to put up with my shit. Before he could step through the door, I spoke up.

“You won’t, Mason. You can’t. It’s that simple. Here’s a little taster for you yeah? Those ‘chains’ that you talk about, they’re not holding me back, they’re there to remind me to keep living free. I was held back for sixteen years of my life when I lived at home, and that is never
ever
going to happen to me again. Never.”

He paused at the door, but he didn’t turn when he asked, “What do you mean you were held back for sixteen years of your life?”

I debated how much I could tell him but I didn’t see the harm in letting him in slightly. Maybe then he would realise how useless his little plan was. I thought he’d understand. I think, no, I
know
, I was wrong.

“My parents Mason.
They were not nice people. Oh, they were nice to everyone else, but not to me. I don’t know if I was some sort of project, or they just didn’t want me stepping out of line. They weren’t just strict, they were control freaks. I wasn’t allowed to
breathe
without their permission. Metaphorically speaking, do you have any idea what that’s like to live your life in chains? No. You don’t.”

“So I got out.
As soon as I could. It came to a head and I left. Never, not for the rest of my life, will I allow someone to tell me what I can and can’t do. That includes you. You cannot tell me that relationships don’t contain rules, compromises, little things that slowly change even though you’re not aware of them until it’s too late. Is it that hard for you to understand that I just don’t want those sorts of restrictions in my life?”

“Yes.”

His sudden interruption shocked me into silence. How could he possibly not understand what I wanted. It was so simple.

“What...why...what?”
I stuttered. Not comprehending at all why he was even arguing my point.

“Harper, that’s pathetic. It’s childish. It’s just a stupid way to look at things. So because your parents cared enough to give you those rules, control things in your life, put restrictions in place, you’ll never accept anything like that again?
Ridiculous. And actually, you should be damn fucking grateful you had parents that bothered to protect you. I didn’t. Did you know that? No you fucking didn’t. Because you didn’t ask. You’re so wrapped up in your own childish bullshit that you don’t give a flying fuck about anyone else. Get off your high horse and think about others for a change. Right now I’m gonna leave because I can’t even bare to look at you and I think you should take some time to get your priorities in order. Mark my words though babe, I’m still not giving up on us. You just need to learn the definition of
real
life problems, because yours don’t even come close.”