Resistance (2 page)

Chapter 1

I adjust myself a little to the left to go deeper
.

“Please. I need this,” she whines. Good Lord
, this woman is going to kill me. I push in deeper, making slow, deliberate circles. Her skin is like silk, it feels so good. I stifle a groan and continue on. One hand grips her shoulder firmly and the other where her shoulder meets her neck.

Heaven. It’s one of my favorite spots on her
.

“
Ohhh, shit, Sawyer, don’t stop,” Clara moans and breathes heavily.

As if
.

“Yeah?” I grunt out. It takes all of my effort to control my breathing.

“Yeah, that’s good. Don’t. Stop.” Her breaths come in short puffs of air as I stroke long and deep into her. I have no intention of stopping until it releases. I move a wisp of electric blue hair out of the way gently and watch as goose bumps break out across her skin. She’s radiant today. I’ve never seen her more stunning than she is right now, even with her face scrunched up with tension. This is going to be the hardest day of my life. “Yes! That’s it! Right there!” she moans. I shake the thought away and continue my plight. I never could say no to her anyways. I push harder and deeper until she lets out a feral-sounding groan and lets her body relax completely. I smile at myself for a job well done as her head hangs limply.

“Thanks for working that knot out
, Sawyer, I wouldn’t have made it ten feet with a neck cramp like that.” She works her neck back and forth and rolls her shoulders, testing my work.

“Ready?!” Allie squeaks
, pushing the door open. I’m thankful for the distraction. This day sucks. “WOW! Mum, you look awesome!” Allie squeals. The two of them are stunning. My girls.

“Most beautiful bride there ever was,” I say sincerely, watching Clara’s face in the mirror. Pure joy and excitement billow off her in gusts. You’d have to be dead not to feel it emanating from her, she’s glowing. I wish it was me who made her look like that, feel like that, but it’s not and I’ve accepted that...kind of
.

No. That’s a lie. I haven’t. Maybe a little, but not completely
.

She motions for Allie to come to her, which she does, and then turns to me with Allie under her arm
.

“Family hug?” The look in her eyes should kill me. Stop my heart from beating. It's of pure love, but not the kind of love I want from her; this kind of love screams family, friendship, but nothing more. I swallow the lump in my throat
.

Gutted
.

This hurts
.

I don't have to be here. I willingly agreed to attend today, and more than that, to walk her down the aisle. I am such a sucker. I lift my arms and spread them wide
, plastering a smile on my face. When my two favorite girls wrap their arms around me tightly I do the same and hold them as close as possible to me, relishing in the feeling.

A perfect moment
.

Clara pulls away first. Then Allie. And just like that my perfect moment is gone
.

Allie beams up at me.

“You look pretty dashing,” she compliments, grinning a wide, toothy grin. I wonder briefly when her face will finally fit her adult teeth now that she has them all.

“Dashing huh?” I arch an eyebrow, smile back at her
, and tuck a loose strand of hair behind her ear. She pulls the soft curl back out and makes a face at me.
“Sawyer. It’s supposed to be there,” she scolds, exasperated as only an eleven-year-old girl can be.

“We should go. It’s time,” Clara directs, wringing her hands together. Her skin looks creamy, almost giving off an aura of peace, like when the sun hits it first thing in the morning. I nod my head and watch as Allie bounces with excitement towards the door. I can’t help but notice the exposed skin of Clara’s shoulders and back. The dress drops down open to the small of her back, leaving it all exposed
.

Her tattoo
—my tattoo—is proudly on display.

My name
is written permanently in the veins of the butterfly. I suck in a wheezy breath through my nose and follow Clara out. Allie is standing up ahead with Marg and Amanda when Clara stops short, causing me to shuffle my feet to avoid stepping on the short train.

“What the...” I grind out. She places both palms on my chest and stares up at me, tears welling in her eyes. Suddenly she’s terrified. This woman will never stop surprising me with her instantaneous mood swings
.

“I’m not good enough. What the hell am I doing?” she breathes
, staring at me wildly. She looks like she’s going to bolt.

My moment. This is my chance
.

She blinks twice at me, waiting. I run my hands up and down her arms softly. Silky goodness. I take a deep breath and speak
.

“Clara, you love him. He is crazy about you. You can do marriage.” I grimace at my own words
.

So much for my chance
.

Sucker
.

She tucks herself tight
ly against me and I wrap my arms around her, careful not to screw up her hair or dress. She sucks in a few steadying breaths and I take the time to do the same.

“What the hell would I do without you?” she sniffles
.

I've asked myself that, like a fool, many times, but it seems as though she does just fine without me. Steeling myself
, I stand her up straight and turn her around. With a swat to the ass, she's moving in the right direction again.

Toxic
.

This whole day is poison to my soul
.

I'll be lucky if I don't cry like a little bitch, drink myself into a stupor
, and vomit all over the reception hall.

Really
lucky.

“Sawyer, handsome as ever
,” Marg says with a smile and winks at me. Amanda gives me a sad smile and a head nod. Is it that obvious? I’ve done everything possible to get over Clara. To move on. Problem is, nothing seems to work. Sixteen months ago, when Dominic Napoli proposed to Clara and she accepted, I’d known my life with her was over. No hope left. Needless to say, it’s been a long sixteen months. Sure, I’d put myself out there after I moved out and tried to date. Nothing seems to stick, or no one seems to stick I guess.

Death
.

This must be what death feels like
.

A tug at my hand breaks me from my depressing thoughts. Allie
’s wide smile beams up at me. She tugs again on my hand so I lean down to her level.

“You know I love you forever
, right?” she says gently. Her eyes swell with pure adoration and loyalty.

Impaled
.

It’s like the kid can see through my soul
.

Dammit
.

“Allie, I’m fine,” I promise her. “And yes, I know that you love me forever. The feeling's mutual
, kiddo.” She worries too much about me, for me. At eleven years old, she shouldn't bear that burden. She kisses my cheek and turns around as the a cappella group starts singing “
Unchained Melody
.” I watch as Allie makes her way down the aisle just as practiced. Dominic stands tall at the other end grinning from ear to ear in an entirely too expensive tuxedo.

Asshole
.

I grind my teeth as Marg starts her descent and I feel like I’m losing air. It’s happening. When Marg is halfway down Amanda starts walking and I take my place at Clara’s elbow and wait. I’m going to suffocate. Her skin is warm and comforting in its familiarity but cruel and punishing in the reality of the situation. I should be standing where Dom stands. I should be walking down an aisle with her
—just on the way out. I nudge her when it’s our time to go because she's stuck staring at Dominic. Our first step changes everything. The singers in the balcony break out into their rendition of “
No Diggity
.”

Surprise. Not the scheduled music selection
.

Dread clenches my insides, twisting me up. I need this day to end
.

Clara stops dead center
in the aisle, wide-eyed, and spins around to the balcony. I mimic her movements. Her mouth gapes open and her eyes sparkle as she realizes this is indeed planned. Dominic and Allie grin like Cheshire Cats fifteen feet from us. A romantic surprise. Clara’s chorus kids appear in the balcony and join the a cappella group. Everyone in the church is standing and clapping now. Good God. Why? This romantic gesture is going to throw me over the edge. All I want to do right now, in the moment, is lean down and take her lips to mine. To kiss her amid the fantastic music and have everyone else fade away.

The song morphs seamlessly into
“
Faithfully
” and I know, right this second, that I was never good enough for her. Pain squeezes my chest, making it hard to breathe. I could have never given this to her. I never would have thought to do it, I never would have thought she’d want it.

It hurts
.

Knowing that truth
hurts.

Finally the group mixes the song into Clara’s favorite,
“
Since You’ve Asked
.” She’s trembling on my arm now. It’s the kind of tremble you
want
a woman to feel. I squeeze my eyes shut and grit my teeth to keep the smile on my face.

For her. I smile for her
.

I will not be the one to ruin this day
.

Her day
.

I squeeze her elbow gently and nod my head to keep going. She follows suit and we walk. We reach the end of the aisle and I detach myself from her with a soft, lingering kiss on the temple and hand her to Dominic. He shakes my hand and smiles gently at me
.

He’s not stupid
.

He knows
.

I take my seat in the front pew on the bride's side and watch the whole Goddamned shit show happen
.

I’m breathing
.

“I do,” she whispers breathily. For a split second I imagine that she is looking at me the way she’s gazing at Dominic. With intimacy. I shake my head and focus instead on her long
, inky lashes.

I’m not breathing
.

“I do,” he states with grandeur
.

Mr. and Mrs. announced
.

Everything seems so
cut-and-dried.

So final now
.

We’re in the limo on the way to the reception. Clara has no family outside of Allie and myself...well that
’s a lie, but it’s true, too. She has no contact with her mother and I don’t blame her. So I’m it. The bride's pictures will be me, Allie, Clara, and Dominic. I slap on a smile and do my best to just make it through the next hour. Why do brides need so many damn pictures anyways?

Torture
.

“You ok
ay?” Marg asks, sliding up to me while Clara and Dom are posed in various positions. I watch as they smile at each other and kiss. It’s a lover's kiss. An intimate kiss. One that screams, “we’re having a conversation without words.”

“Nope
,” I clip.

“Sawyer,” she starts, angling her head up to look at me.

“Please don’t. I already feel like a big enough vagina today.” I stuff my hands in my tuxedo pockets and stare at my feet silently.

“You’re a good man. The best
, actually. Try to enjoy yourself,” she mumbles before leaving me alone.

“
Sawyerrrrrrr!” Allie shrieks, running full tilt at me. I crouch down, arms spread wide, and catch her as she leaps into my arms. Picking her up, I spin us around until I feel sick. Her peals of laughter make my heart feel lighter for the moment. She’s the most amazing eleven year old I’ve ever encountered and I’m nothing but lucky to be her surrogate father. I hear the shutter click of a camera and realize that Clara directed the photographer to capture me and Allie’s impromptu moment. Well at least there’s one picture I’ll enjoy.

I’ll never give her up
.

I smile at her beautiful
youthful, face, happy she’s still here with us. I almost lost my mind after the accident. The car that hit her was going too fast and the driver wasn’t paying attention. Allie didn’t stand a chance even though she was on her bicycle on the sidewalk. As if that hadn't been bad enough—seeing her mangled and bruised—we had to endure waiting for a kidney transplant afterward. The damage done internally from the accident had led to a kidney transplant and a slew of other messes. Namely her real father emerging for the first time ever. At least he disappeared as fast as he’d shown up. It had all worked out in the end but the mess that ensued during the ordeal was enough to drive a man insane.