Restoration & Forgiveness (Renovate Book 2) (3 page)

I in no way want to leave this room. Keegan's looking at me, and it's making me nervous. I wish he weren't here.

"I just got here," I tell him.

"I know, Peanut, but I'm not going anywhere."

Keegan chooses that moment to interrupt. "Aimee, he's right, and we are both a little worried. We'll be back in less than an hour."

I turn my head, shooting daggers with my eyes. He smirks at me, like this situation he's forced me into is amusing. I don't want to be alone with him and he knows it. The only person in the room who doesn't is my dad. I can't argue with him in his current condition.

I turn back, smiling at my dad. "Fine, but only because I love you. I'll be back soon." I give him a kiss on the forehead, and without looking at Keegan walk out of the room. I might have to eat with him but I don't have to be pleasant. This whole situation is insane.

Right before I hit the elevator banks, a strong hand grabs my arm, turning me around.

"Aimee, stop for a sec."

"I told you I didn't want you to follow me." I shake out of his hold and continue, since he seems speechless right now. "Cat got your tongue, Keegan? Well, here it is. I want you to leave me the hell alone; I want nothing to do with you."

"You don't mean that."

My face heats up with anger; every word that escapes his lips adds to my fury.

"What is the matter with you? Coming here and using my father to get to me."

He looks at me with a flash of guilt. "I'm sorry that you feel that way, but I was concerned about you and your dad. I can't tell you how relieved I am that he's doing well."

I concentrate on my breathing; in, and out. I exhale, still staring at him. "Well, now that you see everything is all puppy dogs and rainbows, you can leave."

I turn, pressing the elevator button to escape. I will not cry in front of him. I can feel my strength slowly retreating.

"I'm not leaving you; not now, not ever."

I turn my head. "You can't be serious. Don't you have a company to run? Oh, wait; I almost forgot it's not all yours. Your slut of an ex actually is the brains. You thought just because you showed up looking all handsome in your finely pressed white shirt and black slacks that I would forget everything and fall at your feet."

He lets out a loud huff. "I get it, Aimee, I fucked up. I should have told you everything from the beginning. All of it. But you know what, you should never have fallen for Gretchen's shit."

"Keegan, you left me for her," I tell him, because I don't think he understands what exactly he did.

"That's not true Aimee," he argues.

"It is. Eight years ago, you chose her over me. You let her trick you into sleeping with her. She fucked me out of your system. Then you watched her torment me. She constantly dropped hints about how worthless I was, and that I was the dirt on the bottom of her shoe." I'm physically exhausted from our confrontation. When the elevator finally opens, I walk in and press the button for the first floor. Keegan follows silently.

Standing shoulder to shoulder with me and staring straight ahead, he opens his mouth. "I didn't realize you felt this way. I'm so sorry she put you through all of that." His remorseful apology doesn't make what I'm feeling any better.

"Keegan, there is in no way that you couldn't see it. You just ignored it, and I blame myself because I let you treat me exactly like she did, like something on the bottom of your shoe."

I missed him all those years, but I would have been fine missing him forever. He didn't define me. I was comfortable with who I was. Now I'm not sure of anything.

His voice breaks into my thoughts. "There are still some things you don't know, and I'd like to sit down and tell you. That's part of the reason I'm here, but also I was worried about you. I needed to know that you were okay. Someone needs to take care of you too, Aimee. You don't have to do this all alone. I know you don't want anything to do with me right now, and I get it. I just want you to know the whole truth. You deserve that."

The elevator doors open my heart beating wildly, and I exit with Keegan walking beside me. He places his hand on my back and guides me toward the sliding doors leading outside. I don't fight him because I'm going to take what he's offering, no matter how much it scares me. My heart is telling me it needs to know the truth. I'll never be able to move on from the past if I don't hear what he has to say.

He walks us toward the parking garage, where I assume his car is. We approach a black SUV and he pulls out a set of keys and hits the unlock button on the fob. He opens the passenger door, his eyes on mine. I get in silently, pulling my gaze from his. He makes his way to the driver side and starts the car without looking at me. I stare straight ahead as he pulls out of the space, inhaling his musky scent. It somehow comforts me, and I internally laugh at myself. I may be doing the most stupid thing I've ever done by being here with him. I thought he was the crazy one, but in reality I am.

***

Keegan and I are currently sitting in a booth at Flo's diner, another place we used to frequent years ago. He knows I love the BLT sandwiches and orders two. We have been silent, and I can't even find words to make small talk. I'm sure the waitress finds us odd since we haven't said anything to one another. We eat in dead silence. I can feel his eyes on me and I'm doing my best not to look at him, forcing myself to eat even though I have no appetite. I tell myself I'm doing this for my father, but I'm kidding myself because no matter what, I have a pull toward Keegan. Our stupid connection that was forged when we were kids is going to be my downfall, I know it.

I look up at him, which is a mistake. He's staring at me; no, he's staring into me. My heart drops. I catalog every inch of his face; this most likely will be the last time I'm with him. I want to be able to forget about him, but at the same time I don't want to forget. No matter what is happening between us, he'll always be a part of me. One that I won't ever let myself part with.

He clears his throat, and I'm taken out of my thoughts.

"Aimee, I'm sorry about how Gretchen treated you. If I could take it all back I would."

I continue staring at him in disbelief. This can't be what he wanted to confess. If he did, then he should just take me back to the hospital right now.

"Keegan, cut the shit. I don't believe for one second you're sorry for her. You let this all happen. Her treating me like dirt, you appeasing her, and the sad part is I was too blinded by how I felt about you to see what was right in front of me the entire time."

He stares at me. He goes to say something, but no words escape from his mouth. It's a battle between us, one of wills.

"I was just scared, Aimee," he finally says.

"Of what?" I ask. There is fear in his voice and I can't help but be curious at his confession.

"Of it all. If you knew the whole truth, you wouldn't want anything to do with me." He runs his hands through his hair and tugs in frustration. "Aimee, it took me years, goddamn years, to even work up the courage to see you again."

This is a side of Keegan I've never witnessed, a remorseful, less confident one.

"I'm so sick and tired of you using the past as a crutch, Keegan; stop reminding me of it. I asked you for honesty. The one and only thing I asked for was honesty from you. I never thought you would keep things from me. I let you into my heart, my soul. I pictured a life with you."

I don't like where this conversation is headed. We are just going in circles. I stand up, ready to leave. I'll walk back to the hospital if I have to.

"Aimee, please sit down," he pleads.

Like so many times before I listen, and I sit as he releases a breath of relief.

"Everything that Gretchen said is true."

"I figured as much, since you didn't deny it, Keegan. Please, stop telling me what I already know."

He nods, and slowly continues. "I don't remember anything from the night in college when I was with Gretchen. I completely blacked out. I felt like I took advantage of her. She was always there for me when I needed to talk, and never once made me believe that she wanted more than friendship from me."

My heart is beating a mile a minute. I pray for it to slow down and for this all to be a dream.

"I always used protection. I mean, they beat that into our heads in health class. We were in college, they handed those things out like candy, but for the life of me I couldn't remember if I used one, and the next day I didn't find one in the trash or anywhere in my room."

Please don't say it. I can put two and two together. They couldn't have hidden something like a child from me. He can't be telling me he got her pregnant. Pain is written all over his face. I know what's going to come out of his mouth even before he says it. I feel like he's miles away when the words escape his lips.

"I got her pregnant."

A punch in my stomach would be a million times better than this.

Chapter Four

This would be the moment when I wake up from the dream, but this isn't a dream, this is real. His words play on repeat in my head, over and over. I'm speechless, but I don't take my eyes off him. I couldn't if I wanted to, because I'm waiting for more. This is like when a bomb explodes, and just when you think you're safe another one detonates.

Suddenly my anger dissipates and turns into a ball of hurt. After everything we've been through, all the years, why couldn't he trust me with this? It would have been painful, but I'd have been there for him.

This whole time, there has been no mention of a baby, which worries me. Is there a baby? If so, where? Why isn't he saying anything else? He can't drop this on me, and then stop.

I gather my courage to ask the question. "Keegan, what happened to the baby?"

A single tear falls from his eye. This is difficult for him to talk about. I reach out and place my hand on top of his.

"She lost the baby, and it was all my fault," he says.

There's that other explosion, and I'm bracing myself for the next. The huge one that is one hundred times bigger than all the previous bombs.

"What do you mean, it was all your fault?"

He lets out a long breath. "We hadn't told anyone. Gretchen and I wanted to wait until we got past the first trimester. We were both scared shitless. We were eighteen and she was afraid her parents would make her come home. We were on our way to her parents' house. Everything was going well. Her morning sickness was gone; the baby's heartbeat was strong. The roads were icy and we hit a patch of ice on the highway. My car spun out and we collided with another car. We crashed into the concrete divider."

My heart dives at his confession. He blames himself. A lot of things start to make sense. The way he's so adamant about us having children. There is remorse in his eyes, and my first instinct is to grab him and hold him, and convince him that this wasn't his fault. These things happen and as horrible as they are, they can't be avoided, they just happen.

"She lost the baby in the accident?" It's a rhetorical question, but he nods anyway.

I squeeze his hand, sharing in his loss, and wipe tears from my eyes. I feel his loss as if it's my own, even though I should be relieved that he isn't tied to Gretchen, the woman who took the love of my life away from me not once, but twice.

"I was the one who insisted we tell her parents. I hadn't even told Kaleb, and I didn't want to hide it from anyone any longer. We had plans to meet with mine a few days after the accident. "

I understand his guilt, but no one deserves to be blamed for an accident.

"Keegan, it wasn't your fault. If you had just told me, I would have been there for you. I wouldn't have pushed you away. I would have been devastated, but for you, Keegan. You should have had someone to get you through it. I would have told you that it was in no way your fault."

"That's the thing, Aimee, I couldn't tell you any of it. I ruined Gretchen, and I ruined you as well. There is no way that we could have gotten through it. Gretchen and I barely did. She blamed me. The doctors told her there was too much scar tissue and that she may need to use other alternatives to have a baby. I took that away from her."

I can't imagine Gretchen ever thinking of anyone but herself. Knowing she experienced this tragedy, I have a tinge of remorse for her. If I were to go through that kind of loss I would be changed forever.

"I'm so sorry. I wish you had never gone through something like that." I pick up my glass of water and take a large gulp. Suddenly I'm very thirsty.

"Aimee, I know this is a lot and I don't expect you to forgive me overnight. I know the last couple of days have been difficult and shocking, to say the least, but I can't lose you. Not now, and not ever. I love you, and I've only ever loved you."

I'd already made my decision, the moment I left Keegan's father's party. I promised myself I was done. Nothing has changed for me. I'm not going to let him think there is a future. He has a company and a partner, and none of that includes me. Our lives are too far apart.

I remove my hand from his. "Thank you for being honest with me, Keegan, but—"

Keegan cuts me off. "Aimee, no buts, no ifs, just don't give up on us." He's pleading with me.

"But, nothing has changed. Too much has happened. I'm not going to be able to move past it all. I won't lie to you, Keegan, and no matter what has happened I will always care about you. So please just respect my decision."

Saying those words is harder than I ever thought it would be. Keegan's eyes tell me I haven't gotten through to him. I know him, and I can tell he's already thinking of his next move. It's why he's so successful and also why I've always looked up to him: He never takes no for an answer. Unfortunately this time is different, and I'm different. Keegan James shined a light on me, but now it's dimmed. If I don't walk away now, there won't be any light left.