Restraint (Mistress & Master of Restraint) (31 page)

“Look at me- not him.” My eyes flash to the husky, smoky v
oice. “That’s right… look at me,” he coaxes. Gunmetal-gray eyes captivate me. A boy around eighteen is rocking into me. He is tall and slight, as if he hasn’t filled out into the man he will become.

“No son of mine stops before he’s finished,” the scary man hisses at the boy when he slows his thrusting.

“It’s just you and me, don’t look at him.” His voice holds sympathy, and I remember how badly he fought his father. How he was forced to take me, sacrificing us both to save his friends. “Stay with me,” he murmurs. His pace increases and I whimper from the pain and from another sensation I don’t want to admit.

“Let go of her hands,” the boy
seethes. “She’s not going anywhere. You’ll get your turn. This is mine. Step back.” His anger terrifies me, reminding me of animals fighting over a fresh carcass. I freak out. “Shh… I’ve got you. Just look at me,” he soothingly says.

My hands are released
and I flex my fingers, but the boy instantly recaptures them. I startle and cry out. “I just want to hold your hands. I won’t hurt you or hold you down. It’s okay. Stay with me,” he begs. He draws our clasped hands between our bodies and settles them at our chests.

“It’s just you and me. We’re all alone. I saw a pretty girl
walking the trail and asked her to join me at the lake. We walked and talked. When we got to the water, we kissed, and then it turned into something more. Now, it’s just you and me, making love next to the sparkling water. Imagine it with me,” he coaxes me into his fantasy world. “It’s just you and me…” he moans. “Stay with me,” he draws me deeper into his fantasy.

I no longer feel the agony and terror. I fall into his eyes and I’m swallowed by his imagination. He whispers words o
f comfort to keep me with him. We lock eyes and block out the rest of the world. The pain turns to unfamiliar pleasure. My legs part and my hips angle up completing a deeper connection. Shame slams into my soul as I feel pressure build and heat spread throughout my body. The boy’s face echoes back his own displeasure with our bodies’ reactions.

Green and gray eyes fuse together, dual victims and victimizers as our bodies betray us.

I try to restrain myself as little whimpers sneak past my lips. The boy bends down. His lips feather against mine as he speaks, “call me -.” But stubbornly my mind refuses to process what he says.

My body releases the ultimate betrayal as he
pours inside me. I tighten all of my muscles against the need to writhe. I bite into the chest above me, repressing the sounds trying to escape my throat. My fingers squeeze his and his squeeze mine in return.

Moments pass as we freeze in our shame. A throat clearing brings us back to the prese
nt. The leader’s expression is awed. For once he is speechless. Even with my body broken and violated the thought of unnerving him brings me great pleasure.

“Good job, son. She was a virgin, wasn’t she?”
He’s pleasant, not at all like the rapist he is.

“Yes,” the son says in shame.

He slowly eases out of my body. The movement causes me to wince and dig my fingernails into the backs of his hand- and it’s not from pain. The boy looks down at me with a similar expression- a mix of shame, guilt, and pleasure.

He brushes my hair from my ear and whispers, “I’m sorry for what I’m about to do. If you survive, I promise I will find you.
We will be together again,” he swears.

The absence of his body chills me to my soul. I know what’s coming next. I don’t need any
pretense. My life is in the balance. If I manage to survive, I may be broken and beyond repair. I see in his eyes that he thinks leaving me is cowardly. He is sacrificing me to save himself and his friends. I am to distract the disgusting man as they run. I pray they get me help along the way.

“I can’t watch you take her
,” he torturously admits, voice breaking on every word. “I’ll wait with the boys while you finish up.” He stands and moves to the side.

“Now, come on. I want to show you how it’s really done. How they will scream, fight and beg. How you fuck. What you just did was too gentle. I’ll give you
thumbs up on making the little slut cum. The look on her face as she tried to fight it and the sounds she tried to suppress, I will cherish that memory for the rest of my life.” He gloats.

I hold the son’s eyes as his fathe
r roughly enters me. He starts to move in jarring strokes. He fills me fully and it tears my insides. I feel no pain as the wetness of my blood and the son’s spending drip from my body. I don’t make a sound because inside I am screaming. I don’t move because I am frozen in terror. I don’t hear the forceful grunting of the man rutting in me because all I hear is the pounding of my blood through my breaking heart.

I just hold the son’s eyes-
anchoring me to sanity.

“I can’t watch this,” he says again as his hands fist at his sides.
His knuckles turn white from the strain. I concentrate on that minor detail to distract me from my reality.

“Fine, be a
fucking coward like your cunt of a mother. I made her scream and beg, just as I will make this bitch beg,” he swears. His thrust is so violent that I slide a foot on the ground. A rock deeply slices my back. The wound feels cold against the earth.

I watch the boy’s
back swiftly retreat into the trees, taking my sanity away. I resume my cloud watching as I’m violently violated. I feel no pain. I am completely and utterly numb.

Moments later
, as he is rutting on me, he screams, “----.” The word still doesn’t process in my mind. It’s my mind’s way of protecting me from the truth. The leader pulls himself upright and fastens his pants. “Those little fuckers,” he growls to himself.

“You
bastards have better not run. When, not if, I find you, you are all dead. I will fuck your corpses,” He screams at the top of his lungs when understanding dawns. His son used me to distract him so they could flee.

He charges off into the wood.

I pull my shorts back on with shaky, numb fingers. I have great difficulty, not able to get them to slide up my thighs. I keep repeating I will survive this… I didn’t break… I will survive this… I didn’t break… I will survive this… I am still alive…

I drag myself a few hundred feet from the site.
Hiding in a thicket of scrub brush. If he returns, he won’t be able to find me. I curl in a ball and pray.

The numbness is fading-
slowing replacing it is pain. The pain my body is firing is nothing compared to the agony deep within my soul, my mind, and my heart.

The only thing that keeps my screams at bay is the thought that I didn’t scream, beg, or fight.
Even though he took my body, I didn’t give him my pain or pleasure. He didn’t break me. If I survive this- nothing ever will.

***

“Hold her down so she can’t hurt herself,” Ezra’s command is tinged with fear.

A sound pierces the night, an agonizing primal scream is sharply ringing in my ears. Over and over, like an alarm. It takes me a moment to realize it is me screaming- me thrashing on the bed- me clawing, kicking, punching, and flailing at anything my hands and feet can connect with. I exhaustedly fall lax to the bed, laboriously panting.

“What’s happening? Did I hurt her somehow?” Aaron freaks out as he nakedly kneels on the edge of the bed.

“No, Aaron,” Ezra softly sighs the words.
“I thought this might happen. I’d hoped this would happen. Katya couldn’t be told, she had to remember on her own… and now she is remembering.” Ezra ominously explains to comfort Aaron. But I find little comfort in the words. I’ve remembered my torturous past, but I still can’t grasp the thread- that tiny thread that I know is somehow pivotal to my healing.

My eyes snap open when
I can finally deal with the fact that I’m no longer trapped in the past. Aaron’s hands barely restrain me as they slip in the sweat that sheens my body. “I’m okay. You can let go.” All hands disappear on my word. I glance around trying to remember where I am and what I was doing. Aaron is kneeling on the bed naked.

Oh shit! I just made love to Aaron and freaked out
. “God, Aaron, I’m so sorry,” I say in a panic. “Did I freak out during?” I grab his hand.

“No, you both napped for about twenty minutes when your nightmare started. It’s alright, Katya, you’re safe here with
us.” Ezra speaks near my head as he leans a hip on the edge of the mattress.

I’m overcome with the urge to bury my face in his
chest and bawl like a lunatic. I look around for Cortez. He’s standing at the foot of the bed looking utterly petrified.

“What’s the matter?”
I ask Cortez.

“I…I…
do you remember everything?” He looks like a frightened child and I feel a strange need to comfort him.

“What do you mean, Cortez?” I ask in confusion.

“Um… I guess not. May I sit down, please? You scared the shit out of us. I guess we have a reprieve until you go batshit crazy on us again.” He flops on the bed and exhales a heavy sigh.

“What did you remember, Katya?” Ezra’s voice is soft, yet commanding- a command I have to answer.

“My rape. Some things are still fuzzy. I can’t see faces and where names where spoken I draw a blank. It’s the most I’ve ever relived.” I shiver, and draw a blanket around myself.

“It will come. Soon, you
’ll remember very soon, I think,” Ezra guarantees. I give into my urge to press my face into Ezra’s chest. I inhale his comforting scent- smoky musk.

“I need to speak to Dr. Jean
nine,” I hurriedly slur.

Chapter
Twenty-Nine

After a l
ot of coaxing and reassuring, I’m finally alone. Cortez seems frightened of me, and Ezra seems frightened to be around me. Aaron took me home and wouldn’t leave until I assured him that I was fine, and that I refused to speak with Dr. Jeannine if he was with me. Spilling your soul, your deepest and darkest fears and secrets, should be private. It’s about as personal as you can get.

I want
ed to immediately contact my therapist, but I can’t bring myself to actually do it. My confusion is overwhelming. My mind is mush. No matter how much I concentrate, I can’t hold a thought.

I
’ve showered, made and ate a delicious meal, and cleaned my apartment. The cathartic nature of the menial did nothing for my mental state.

Three showers later
, I decide a conversation with Dr. Jeannine is an absolute necessity. No matter how many times I shower, I cannot get the Leader out of my mind and body. I try to conjure images of making love to Aaron to cleanse my mind and fail. The bad man overpowers every thought and emotion I have.

KitKat411:
Paging Dr. Jeannine @liv2heal

liv2heal
: …
logging on… Katya, it’s been awhile. How is your progression fairing?

KitKat411:
I would like to apologize for lashing out at you. It wasn’t your fault, and I took it out on you. I was confused.

liv2heal
:
Accepted. Obviously, I did nothing wrong. What happened? You only contact me when forced.

KitKat411:
I know I’m not very professional when it comes to our interactions. I realized that you were right, and I was fighting it. I didn’t want to remember because it was difficult and hurt too much. But I need to remember to move on with my life and heal.

Live2heal:
Katya, you are not my only patient, and you are not the only one that behaves that way. The majority do. It’s human nature. I know how to read a person’s motivations, and that is why I am a good psychologist. Never feel shame about how you react, and I take no offense. Your apology is accepted when one wasn’t even needed. Now, what has happened since our last session?

KitKat411:
For the first time in my life, I had consensual sex. It was with a friend, and it was nice. But I freaked out. After it was over, I remember everything. Every smell. Every pain. Every sound. I can’t remember the name that I heard, but I know I heard it. And the boys’ faces are blurred. Other than that- everything… and now I can’t get it out of my mind. It’s like a pressure is building, and when it crests, I will either remember the truth or I will break.

liv2heal
:
Katya, just breathe, and know that it will come to light when it’s supposed to. You will remember when your mind feels safe and secure. I promise. Soon, you’ll remember, soon.

KitKat411:
I am just so fucking frustrated. I want to scream! I feel like if I can overcome this block I could finally heal. I could finally move on.

liv2heal
:
This is major progress, Katya, major.

KitKat411:
I know. I can’t believe I had real sex for the first time with a man last night. I never thought I’d trust someone enough to let go.

liv2heal
:
Do you believe that is what brought about the progress? How do you feel about that, Katya?

KitKat411:
Yes- no- I don’t know. Memories have swamped me since I started sexually exploring. I didn’t freak out during the act as I’d always feared I would. I was in the there and now with him. It was after, when I slept, that the memories returned in detail.

liv2heal
: I’m never one to prescribe sex, but clearly this is working. You need to overcome this block. Concentrate on the details surrounding the spots that are still fuzzy. When your mind determines you are ready, it will clear.

KitKat411:
What if it never clears. I can’t live with this suffocating feeling. The memories are assaulting me, but the blankness is strangling me. I feel crazed. What do I do?

liv2heal
: Concentrate on a phrase, a scent, a small sliver of the memory that borders the fuzzy parts. This will be difficult, and undoubtedly be painful. Calm yourself, but focus until a part of the memory because sharp with clarity. The faded parts will slowly manifest when your mind realizes that it isn’t going to be harmed. This is a progression. You can’t force it. This is a part of you, it is in your mind. Only you can release the memories. Katya, I must go. Please contact me with your progress.

KitKat411:
Thanks for the help. Bye.

liv2heal
:
…logging off.

Chapter Thirty

T
he boys kept to their word by leaving me alone for the duration of the weekend. My mind feels like a hamster in a wheel- turning and turning, and getting nowhere. I did my usual- clean, cook, organize, workout, and primp. My cathartic routine still left me drawing a blank.

Monday mornings usually suck, but this is beyond a Monday. I feel dead ins
ide. I have to jump this hurdle or I can run no farther. What was locked up nice and tight in the denial box has escaped and refuses to return. It’s screaming to be heard. I feel like I did just after my rape. It’s as raw and real as if it happened over the weekend, not a decade ago.

Kayla is a ghost. I assume the boys told her to leave me alone
, too.

The largest shock is what’s missing from my coffee table. A large mahogany box would be hard to sneak out of my office. I’m sure if I look in the obvious location I will find it. I
guess our chess match is at its final stages. I’m left with the final move.

I haven’t been able to get one phrase from my mind for days. It plays on repeat wanting its mystery solved.

The hamster continues to run his wheel- screeching the metal, mind-bendingly grating on my nerves. 
Soon, you’ll remember very soon.
Over and over this phrase spins uncontrollably in my mind. The hamster’s speed increases, the metal grinding continuously. The pressure in my mind is building. I grab my forehead and squeeze against the agony.
Soon, you’ll remember very soon.
Remember what? My brain screams at me that I am not hearing it- not perceiving its gift of information correctly.
Soon, you’ll remember very soon… Soon, you’ll remember very soon... Soon, you’ll remember very soon…

I kneel on the carpet, panting as the pressure builds. The pain is excruciating.
Think, Dammit, think! Think! Remember!

Just as a scream boils up my throat, I think. It’s not about remembering
the past, it’s about remembering the very recent future. All roads always lead back to one person.

My body uncoils in unadulterated fury. I feel no pain. I experience a rush so addictive that if I
could bottle it, I would make billions. I’m at the end of the hall just outside of Ezra’s office and I don’t remember moving from my floor. I’d run from my office to this spot and I remember nothing. A blackout.