Retief and the PanGalactic Pageant of Pulchritude (26 page)

"Don't
listen to him, Colonel," Gloot urged. "Anything this Terry has got to
say he can say in front of us Groaci."

"You're
claiming to be a Groaci too now?" Suash exclaimed in startlement.

"Well,
an honorary one, sort of. On account of me and Retief being pals and all."

Suash
grunted, turned back to Pilth. "Start talking."

"And
reveal Groacian state secrets to this vile Terry who has the audacity to
bogusly claim Groacihood?"

"Back
to that, huh?" Gloot said, and reached for an eye. Pilth screeched
breathily and dived for cover behind Retief.

"I know
nothing!" he whispered frantically. "Actually, I slept through the
orientation lectures—"

"He's
lying!" Suash cried. "I'll bet you know about the secret recognition
signal, two long and three short—and the reinforcements we're expecting from
Rumboogie and Hylerica and Slovenger—and—"

"Very
well, I confess, all that and more," Pilth confirmed hastily. "No
need to spell out the particulars—"

"But
surely you haven't yet tipped them off about the plan for a coordinated police
action a week from Tuesday, under cover of the spring rites?"

"Assume
the worst!" Pilth hissed.

"This
is a disaster!" Suash cried, clapping various hands to his forehead.
"The pernicious little sneak has blown the operation wide open!"

"I
wonder how he got the word back?" Gloot inquired. "Him still being
here and all."

"Yes—how
did you get the word back to your Terran masters?" Suash echoed. "No
one's left this island for weeks!"

"Ah ...
I employed a variety of clever ruses, no need to burden you with such
trivia," Pilth temporized.

"I'll
bet the little villain has spilled the beans about our Galactic Ultimate Top
Secret weapon, too!" Suash yelped. "Let me at him!" Retief
restrained the outraged officer as he lunged for the trembling spy.

"Don't
do anything hasty, Colonel," he said soothingly. "We may be able to
turn this situation to advantage."

"How?
The rascally knave has probably reported everything to the Terran ambassador!
He must have sent off his dispatches via the bakery man, now that I think of
it! He calls every morning in a sampan that's probably a fast courier boat in
disguise!" Suash groaned. "And while I was dunking jelly doughnuts,
news of every move I made was being whisked off under my very noses!"

"Well,
what are we going to do about it?" Gloot demanded. "Call the whole
thing off?"

"There's
only one thing we can do," Suash declared, and smacked several fists into
an appropriate number of palms. "Move D-day forward! We attack at once!
Now! Today!"

"Impossible!"
Pilth screeched. "We're not ready!"

"All
the better!" Suash barked. "I'll catch you Terries off-balance,
and—"

"I mean
you're not ready! Your noble Groaci allies have not yet completed all
arrangements necessary to bring off the coup with the flawless timing that will
leave no treacherous Terran alive to carry exaggerated tales of perfidy and
betrayal!"

"That's
their lookout!"

"Then,
too," Pilth whispered acidly, "there is the problem of your loyal
troops, now dispersed through the woods like so many strayed kine, aquiver with
apprehension lest their beloved commandant run amok amongst them!"

"Hmm.
You've put your finger on a problem area," Suash conceded. "But
forget those shirkers! There are plenty more where they came from—and you and I
know where that is, eh, Retief?"

"One of
us does," the Terran agreed.

"Oh,
you think I'm not in on the top-level planning, eh?" the colonel bridled.
"Well, as it happens I'm well aware that the location of the repo depot
is—" He broke off. "But I won't mention the name in front of the Terry
spy, just in case he doesn't already know. Not that it matters much."
Suash drew his pistol. "Stand aside, Retief, and I'll finish off the sly
little devil before we go."

"Wait!"
Pilth whispered in Groaci. "Retief! To appeal to you as a fellow alien, to
stay the hand of the barbarian ere he commits a tactical error of incalculable
dimensions!"

"To
propose a deal," Retief replied in the same tongue. "To give me
details of the secret weapon, and then to put in a good word for you."

"To
suggest that I, a trusted minion of the Groacian autonomy, would divulge
information bearing a GUTS classification? Fie, Terran! To do your worst!"

"I was
afraid you'd feel that way," Retief said.

"Here,
what are you aliens gossiping about?" Suash demanded suspiciously.
"Speak plain Lumbagan!"

"Pilth
was just saying a few last words," Retief explained.

"But on
the other hand," Pilth added quickly, "why make an issue of a few dry
data? The supply of cannon fodder will be adequate to compensate for any modest
foreknowledge that might leak to the enemy camp—"

"Hey,"
Gloot cut in, "do you hear something, Retief?" He cocked a pair of
ears toward the forest trail.

"Yes,
but I hesitated to interrupt at this point. You were saying, Pilth?"

"Wait a
minute," Suash barked. "I'll bet that's my boys coming back to report
for company punishment and then back into harness with no hard feelings!"

"Ha!
Doubtless succor approaches!" Pilth hissed. "Now will your crimes be
visited on your head, insidious Terry im-poster!"

There was a
flash of blue light from the darkness, a simultaneous sharp report; Suash
yelled as the gun flew from his grasp.

"Keep
your hands in sight and don't make a move," an authoritative voice barked.
"I'm Ensign Yubb of the Harbor Patrol, and all you smugglers are under arrest!"

"Well,
quite a haul," the Lumbagan, neat in a dark blue uniform, commented as his
varigated detachment of marines closed in, aiming guns of unmistakable Terran
design. He was of medium-height and unexceptional appearance, having three
arms, four legs, and a random distribution of other members. "A couple of
renegades, I see, plus a pair of foreigners."

"See
here, fellow," Pilth hissed, "if you will employ your good offices to
eliminate the Terry and his toady, as well as their dupe, Colonel Suash, you
will find the Groacian Autonomy not ungrateful."

"Don't
let this trickster delude you, Admiral," Suash spoke up. "For some
reason he's trying to pose as a Groaci—"

"A Groaci,
you say? Is that a fact?" Yubb looked Pilth up and down. "Got any
proof?"

"Proof?
I invite you, Ensign, to observe for yourself! I exhibit in classic form those
characteristics which alone endow the owner with the peculiar beauty of
Groacihood!"

"Peculiar
is right," Gloot commented. "Just grab his eyes and pull. They're
plastic, stuck on with rubber cement. I spotted 'em the minute I saw 'em. This
here"—he indicated Retief—"is the genuine article."

"Then I
guess that makes this one a Terry," the officer deduced, eyeing Pilth
unenthusiastically and aiming his gun at Retief. "Not too
impressive-looking, but what the heck. Mine not to reason why, mine but to
shoot the guy."

"Wouldst
cut down a helpless prisoner on the strength of a mere literary allusion?"
Pilth screeched. "And a garbled allusion at that."

"I
don't have much choice," Yubb assured the alien. "I've got orders to
drill at Groaci on sight."

"Unconscionable!"
Pilth hissed. "I warn you, sir, any such thoughtless act will earn you a
regrettable fate at the hands of vengeful Groaci hordes, soon to sweep clean
the infected real estate of this pestilential world!"

"For a
Terry, you come on kind of ambiguous," Yubb said. "You'd think I was
about to plug you"—he swiveled to cover Retief with the gun—"instead
of him."

"Ah ...
to be sure," Pilth recovered. "It was merely my kindly instinct at
work at the prospect of seeing a fellow alien dispatched before my eyes.
However, in the interest of interplanetary amity, I withdraw my
objection."

"Gee,
the sentiment does you credit," Yubb said. "In fact, out of deference
to the nobility of the gesture, I'll spare the Groaci scoundrel for the
nonce." He gave Retief a look designed to intimidate. "But don't let
it go to your head, fellow. I've heard about you Groaci, always on the lookout
for a way to repay a charitable act with a knife in the ribs."

"An
exaggeration," Pilth snapped. "There are occasions, of course, when
expediency requires the sacrifice of the softer principles, but I can assure
you that there are compensating virtues in the Groaci makeup, not the least of
which is a commendable tenacity in the avenging of affronts."

"Sure,
don't get carried away," Yubb said. "You'd think the Groaci were you
Terries' best pals. Don't worry, I'll watch him. Now let's get moving. If I can
get these Groaci and these two smugglers back to port before shift change, I'll
net a nice bonus—"

"One
moment," Pilth interrupted hastily. "I must protest your apparent
intention to include my person in your party. As it happens, I have urgent
business here, rudely interrupted when these miscreant locals, assisted by
their, ah, Groaci henchmen, set upon me."

"What
business?"

"That,"
Pilth whispered, "is my affair."

"For a
foreigner you're throwing a lot of weight around, Terry," Yubb retorted.
"My orders were to chase down these
foof
smugglers and clean out
their base of operations. Maybe you're just an innocent bystander, but that's
for higher authority to figure out. Let's go; we're wasting time."

"If
you're after smugglers, you're scaling the wrong molehill," Colonel Suash
demurred. "I happen to be a legitimate rebel leader, and my work is here.
Beside which, I outrank you."

Yubb cocked
his pistol. "I hate these jurisdictional disputes," he sighed.
"But fortunately for the triumph of democratic processes, I happen to have
the firepower. So—"

"I
wouldn't, if I were you, Ensign," Retief said as Yubb's finger tightened
on the trigger.

"Why
not?" the officer inquired.

"Because
if you do," a new voice explained from the underbrush, "then/will."

"My
loyal lads, back on duty!" Suash cried. "Yubb, surrender instantly
and I'll try to prevent them from committing any excesses!"

"At the
first sign of an excess, they'll be looking for a new boss." Yubb held the
pistol firm on Suash's cummerbund.

"Hold
your fire!" Suash yelped to his troops.

"You
bet we will," the reply came from the darkness. "We're not letting
this stranger plug you, Colonel; we want to do the job ourselves!"

"The
rot's struck deeper than I thought," Suash muttered. "Well, Ensign,
it looks like a standoff. Just give me and my Groaci advisers a modest head
start over my chaps, and—"

"The
Groaci are
my
prisoners," Yubb cut in curtly. "You can have
the Terry."

"Who
wants him?" Suash exploded. "The creepy little spy's already blown my
security sky-high!"

One of
Yubb's patrolmen edged forward. "Why don't we draw straws?" he
suggested with a glance over his shoulder at the shrubbery concealing the rebel
troops. "We wouldn't want any unfortunate incident to take place—"

"At the
first shot, rake the woods with fire!" Yubb yelled. "I'm taking the
Groaci, and that's that!"

"I'm
keeping him, and that's that!" Suash shouted.

"Just
my luck," Gloot said lugubriously. "Square in the middle of the
crossfire."

"By the
way, which one's the Groaci?" Yubb's second-in-command wondered aloud.

"The
little one with the five wiggly eyes," someone called from the darkness.

"Wrong,
it's the big ones with only two arms," someone else contradicted.

"Are
you nuts? Everybody knows Groaci have got five eyes—"

"They're
fakes! I heard—" "I happen to know—"

"My
brother-in-law had it on good authority—"

"Your
brother-in-law wears ankle socks!"

"Oh,
yeah?" One of Suash's mutinous troops emerged from concealment to confront
his verbal adversary. A second rebel followed; a trio of Yubb's marines drew
together to confront them. A sailor pushed a soldier; a soldier shoved a
sailor.

"Now,
lads, no fighting, it's unmilitary," Suash called.

"Sink
the Navy!" someone shouted, a proposal followed instantly by the smack of
a fist on leathery hide; at once, the underbrush erupted into a free-for-all;
fists flew, some, Retief noted, well into the woods. Yubb and Suash danced
about the periphery of the fray, bellowing orders, then fell on each other with
flailing arms. Unnoticed by the combatants, Pilth whirled and scuttled off down
the trail leading to the interior.

"Nice
night for a riot," Retief said over the clamor. "I suppose they'll be
happily occupied for some time, so we may as well be on our way."