Revenant (25 page)

His
eyes lit up. “I know—I’ll run you a hot bath. It’ll make you feel better.”

I
looked down, seeing dirt in my hair, on my clothes, smeared across my skin. And
yet I still couldn’t move. I felt frozen in place.

Time
passed. I watched Dean make a half-dozen trips back and forth, hauling water
from the well. After a while he stood in front of me again. He scooped me into
his arms and carried me to the kitchen, gently putting me down in front of the
bathtub.

I
watched the steam rising off the surface of the water.

Dean
started to move away, but then stopped. He looked into my face, his fingers
touching my cheek again. “Colina? Say something… You’re starting to freak me
out.”

I
forced myself to speak. “I—I’m…fine.” My lips were trembling. It took all
my energy to get those words out.

He
nodded. Relief filled his eyes. “You’re
covered
in dirt.”

I
still made no move. I was like a frozen statue.

“If
Wendy was here—” He
stopped,
a
considering look crossing his features. After a moment of clear deliberation, he
seemed to make up his mind. He reached out and grasped the hem of my shirt, lifting
it slowly. “Here… Let me help you.”

I
could tell he was uncomfortable and embarrassed, and I should have been, too.
He was
undressing
me. But I simply
stood emotionless as he took off my top and tugged down my
jeans with his eyes averted,
until finally I
stood beside him in only my bra and underwear.

“Well,
I need to…” He kept his eyes turned away and slipped behind me. Deft fingers unclasped
my bra and lowered my underwear.

I
should have been scandalized—I didn’t have a stitch of clothing on. And
yet, I didn’t react.

Dean
guided me from behind into the tub and lowered me down into the water, and I
felt something for the first time. The heat hit the burn on my leg. It was
still a bit raw, with blisters at the edge. There was pain, but I welcomed it—it
felt good to feel something at last.

Dean
picked up a bar of soap and lathered it up in both hands. It was almost comical
how he tried to look away while lifting my right arm out of the water and starting
to clean. I was all too aware of the glances he was giving me out of the corner
of his eye and I should have been embarrassed—I should have been
scrambling to cover myself—but instead I just lay back and let him soap me
up. He gently washed my face and leaned me forward so he could reach my back.
His fingers were soft and reassuring as they glided across my naked skin.

I
closed my eyes and let the warm water soak into my cold limbs. When he started
to wash my hair, a sigh escaped my lips.

This
time Dean didn’t glance away, but instead looked directly at me and gave a
smile. “Are you finally coming back to the land of the living?”

I’m still in the land of the
living…but Luke isn’t
.
The heartache was so intense I began to quietly sob again.

A
look of panic filled Dean’s face when I began to openly cry. He quickly rinsed
my hair and then helped me out of the tub. I stood next to him without any
clothes on, dripping wet and weeping.

A
towel suddenly moved roughly across my body, startling me, and the scrubbing
motion finally made my tears stop. Dean gently wrapped the towel around me and
securely tucked it into place, partially covering my nakedness. My hair was
still wet, though, and drops of water slid down my bare shoulders.

But
I wasn’t the only wet one; water had sloshed out from the tub as Dean washed
me, soaking his shirt and pants. He followed my gaze down, gave a laugh, and
then pulled his shirt over his head.

He
stood before me, shirtless, and my eyes focused on those muscular arms—arms
that had often held me tight. Back at the asylum his body was muscular, but on
the thin side. The guy who stood in front of me now had bulked up in a matter
of weeks.
How did he get so strong so
fast?
Maybe it all had something to do with his berserker magic. My gaze
slid across his chest and down his surprisingly ripped stomach, and a hum of
wanting filled my body
—the need for human
contact.

I want, for one moment, to feel
safe in those arms
.

My
eyes swung up to his face. Those blue eyes were staring back at me—they
weren’t the dark, complex gray I preferred, but they were nice all the same.

We
looked at each other for a long moment before Dean cleared his throat and gave
me a smile.

Now
that I had a towel on he didn’t try to avert his eyes. Those blue eyes were
taking in every inch of me, scanning down my shoulders and arms…

He
suddenly blurted, “What the hell is
that
?”
He was staring openly at my leg.

I
didn’t respond. His fingers hovered over the skin of my thigh, just above the
burn Caleb gave me. “Did Gage hurt you?” he demanded.

I
stayed silent.

His
eyes were full of anger. “I swear I’ll kill him for hurting you.”

Seemingly
of their own accord, my fingers reached
up
and slid across his lips. I wanted to feel them against mine.

It isn’t wrong to let him hold
me and comfort me for just a moment, is it? I want to feel something
…

I
pulled him toward me and kissed him.

For
one brief second he didn’t react, but then his hands wrapped around me and he
kissed me back. There was no calm in this kiss; Dean was full of need and
want.
He pulled me hard against his body, kissing
me again and again.

I
answered each kiss with a ferocity of my own. Gone was the emptiness inside me.
Suddenly that emptiness was filled with desire.
My arms came up around his neck. A part of me was yelling that I
was
crazy,
that I should stop, but I
wanted only to feel, to be
alive
again.

And
then Dean swept me up into his arms and carried me down the hallway into the
bedroom. He lowered me onto the bed, ignoring the fact that we were both still wet.
His broad hands brushed through my dripping hair to glide down my throat and
across my naked shoulders. I didn’t allow myself to think anymore. I just
enjoyed the feeling of his fingers sliding over my skin.

I
leaned up and kissed him, pressing my body into his. I just gave in, closing my
eyes and accepting the pressure of his mouth on mine. I relished the feeling of
his hands skimming over my skin, moving up and down my body. I could feel the
heat radiating off him. I felt so cold, so empty inside. The warmth of his body
against mine
felt so good.
And that’s all
I wanted—to feel something more than grief. More than this deep,
terrifying loneliness.

His
lips were crushing mine—like he was demanding something from
me
—and I gave in to all my emotions. Gave
in to feeling again. I sighed with pleasure at his touch, knowing that, at any
minute, those fingers would pull the towel away. I would lay naked before him.
I would give in to all the desires racing through me, wrong and ill-fitting as
they were.

And
then, without warning, he jerked away. “We shouldn’t be doing this,” he said,
though the
desire in his eyes contradicted his
words.

I
pulled him back toward me, but he resisted.

“It’s
not right,” he whispered. “If we do this now, you’ll regret it later.” His
voice was husky, his hands visibly shaking as he removed them from my thighs,
instead gripping his own.

I
know he wanted me. “Please,” I begged. I just wanted to forget. I wanted one
moment when the world around me would fade away.

Dean
shuffled back and sat on the edge of the bed. He was looking at me, his eyes
pleading with me to understand, but I just lay there staring up at him. I willed
him to take me back into his arms before I lost my nerve.

“I
don’t want this to happen between us, not like this. Not until you’re ready.” He
suddenly looked resolved and pushed himself away from the bed.

“I’m
ready now…I want to be with you,” I said. But was it true?

I
felt emotionally raw, like I might break into a million pieces at any second,
and all I wanted was his strong arms around me. I wanted to forget everything.
I wanted to be carried away.

Dean’s
eyes hungrily took all of me in. I had no doubt about his feelings for me. It
was evident in the way he held himself so
rigidly,
he
was trying to do the noble thing. He held himself still, frozen in place, and I
could see his internal struggle play across his face. “Colina…” That one word
held so much emotion. I could hear his need. “I want you, but not like this.
Not when…he’s still between us.”

Luke.
Thinking of his name brought me
back, like I was slowly coming to the surface after being underwater. I looked
up at Dean. Then the realization of what I’d done hit me. I’d thrown myself at
Dean in an attempt to run from my grief—an action that Dean didn’t
deserve. Tears welled up in my eyes as Dean watched me for a long moment before
rising and leaving the room.

As
soon as he passed the doorway, I collapsed back on the bed and let the tears come.
I cried until nothing but dry sobs were left. I lay there, feeling lost and hopeless.

And
then the mattress dipped as a body sat on its edge.

It
was Dean, fully dressed.

“Luke
is…gone,” I whispered, meeting his eyes. Luke was gone, and so was the future
I’d chased for so long.

“I
know.” He wiped a tear off my cheek. “I’m going to hold you now.
Just
hold you. Let me be here for you.”
He leaned back against the bed, opening up his arms.

I
gratefully sank into them.

* * *

I woke up alone in my bed the next morning. My face burned
as I thought about what happened the night before. What had
almost
happened.
Luke had only
been gone
a few days, and I
was throwing myself into
Dean's
arms. I
felt ashamed of my behavior. But I realized deep down a part of me felt
disappointed. My fingers went to my temples.
My
head was full of so many confusing thoughts and feelings.

I
was laying on the bed, still naked beneath my rumpled towel, when none other
than Sonja sauntered
in
carrying a tray
full of food. Her eyes roved over my state of undress and then flew to the
imprint of a body next to me in the mussed sheets. She smiled like a Cheshire
cat. “It’s good to see you moving on so quickly.” She chuckled as she put the
tray down on the dresser.

I
got off the bed and reached into the cupboard to grab a black robe. I wrapped
myself in it and tried to keep the shame I felt from showing, but I wasn’t
doing a very good job. The minute I turned back around to face her,
a I could feel a blush
bloom on my cheeks.

This
time she
really
let out a laugh, lifting
her hands in surrender. “Who am I to judge? The boy’s
fine
. If I
were
stuck alone
in here with him, I would have done the same thing.”

I
could feel anger rising inside. “It’s not what you think.”

“Whatever
you say. Where is lover boy?” She poked her head out the doorway and looked
down the hallway. “He wasn’t in the living room when I came in.”

“He
must be in the kitchen,” I answered, tightening the belt of the robe around me.

Sonja
examined my room with exaggerated curiosity. “Nope, I peeked in on the way back
here—the kitchen’s empty.” Then her eyes lit up with amusement. “Maybe he
decided it was a good time to run. You took care of the hellhounds. There’s
nothing guarding the perimeter at the moment, and I don’t think Gage would care
if lover boy took off—I know he’s not overly fond of him.”

I
had no idea where Dean was, but I was sure he wouldn’t leave without me. I knew
how he felt about me—and I had led him on last night
anyway
. I felt ashamed. My cheeks were hot
again.

“What
are you doing here?” I demanded. Last time I’d seen Sonja, she’d told me Gage
was thinking of sending her off. I’d assumed Gage had gone through with his
threat.

She
gave me another Cheshire cat grin. “Gage was annoyed with me, but I eventually
got him to change his mind. I haven’t been around him this long without
learning a few tricks of my own. I can be quite…persuasive when I need to be.”
She wiggled her eyebrows in an exaggerated way, which left me with no doubt of how
she’d “persuaded” him.

The
thought of Gage and Sonja together in
that
way made me shudder.

She
gave me another wide grin. “If he has escaped, you could run off and follow him.”
She leaned against the wall and gave a lazy stretch of her arms. “I won’t
pretend that my life wouldn’t be better if you weren’t around. But I guess it’s
too much to ask that you hightail it out of here.” She studied her nails, which
were covered in
bright red polish. “It’s
definitely
too much to ask that you leave your
little friend…especially since she’s not in a good way.”