Revoltingly Young (10 page)

Duncan scratched his crew cut and pondered this put-down.

“
Is your mother home now?” asked Tyler.

“
No. Can’t you tell? The house is so free of her oppressive presence. She’s at a Philharmonic board meeting. She’s on lots of boards. I find it very boring.”

“
Do you have any brothers and sisters?” I asked.

“
Two wretched brothers–both younger–whom I have contrived to have exiled to summer camp. We are nearly alone here–just as I prefer it. Family life can be so enervating.”

“
What kind of dumb name is Veeva,” demanded Duncan, still trying to stretch his inelastic mind around this peculiar chick.

“
Is he always so blunt?” asked Veeva.

“
He’s a linebacker,” explained Tyler.

“
OK, if you say so. Well, according to Mother, I was conceived while viewing an Elvis Presley movie–‘Viva Las Vegas.’ Hence my name.”

“
It’s a good thing they weren’t watching ‘Harum Scarum’,” noted Tyler.

“
Yes, or ‘Clambake,’ ‘Spinout,’ or ‘Tickle Me’,” replied Veeva, obviously familiar with such Presleyan speculations. “Would you like something to drink? We could go out by the pool. There might be a sunset worth our time.”

We all trooped down to the pool, which was hung off in space on metal stilts. A large window inset in the side gave anyone underwater a sweeping if murky view of the lights of Beverly Hills. A Latina housekeeper set out a large tray of beverages and sandwiches, then discreetly withdrew. What a lifestyle. Even the sun had been commandeered to dress up the darkening sky with aesthetically correct purples and pinks.

Duncan gulped his drink and made a face.

“
It’s grapefruit and wheat grass juice,” said Veeva. “One of my many compulsions. The sandwiches are shredded carrot and tofu cream cheese. Animals should be cherished not eaten. Sorry, but that’s how I feel.”

We made the best of it and munched away politely.

“
Was it at a drive-in movie?” queried Duncan.

“
Was what?” asked Veeva.

“
Where they was screwing when they had you,” he elaborated.

Veeva shuddered. “I hardly think so. Tyler dear, your driver is so . . . one point oh.”

“
Tell us about your aunt,” Tyler prompted.

“
Ah, my aunt Sheeni. Real name Sheridan. My father’s baby sister. Very beautiful and brilliant, of course. She hates America. Never comes here. They live in Lyon. Married to a very sexy young Frenchman. Two adorable kids. So French, but then they are exactly that. I’m campaigning to have my brothers sent to a harsh old-world boarding school where only French is spoken. No luck so far. It could do them both a world of good.”

“
You visited your aunt?” I asked.

“
Once. Two years ago. I screamed to go back to France this summer, but Mother must punish me for my refusal to submit to her tyranny.”

“
Did your aunt say anything about my brother?” I asked.

“
No, unfortunately. Well, I didn’t know anything about her earlier marriage then. I’ve asked her since about it on the phone, but she clams up. No one wants to talk about it.”

“
Same with my mother,” said Tyler. “She’s Nick’s sister and she refuses to discuss it.”

“
My mother won’t say boo either,” I noted. “Though she seems to harbor a very strong dislike for your aunt.”

“
We’ve got to get to the bottom of this,” Veeva declared. “I sense a dark and terribly romantic secret. Are you with me, boys?”

Two of the three males nodded in the affirmative. Duncan was still in shock from the refreshments.

WEDNESDAY, July 20 – Another dry night. I am so ready for bed sharing. Speaking of which, I shuffled into the house this morning and there was Tyler breakfasting with Wylie, a decidedly A-list girlfriend. The movie star she most resembles is Reese Witherspoon, I kid you not. It turns out they have a standing date for breakfast on Wednesdays. That’s the only time she could pin him down. Hard to believe. If she were my girlfriend, I’d be clearing my calendar months in advance. Wylie fancies herself a cook. She made us both cinnamon toast. I was looking forward to the accompanying dishes, but her menu stopped there. Wylie’s future husband may be dining out frequently–not that he’ll care. While we nibbled our toast, Wylie chastised me for not calling Awanee for two entire days. I pointed out that in fact I’ve never telephoned that girl.

“
And may I ask why not?” she demanded. “Awanee likes you a lot.”

“
Well, I’m leaving in a few days. I live about 700 miles away in another state. God knows when I’ll ever be back. And nobody’s yet invented a way to have sex over the phone.”

“
What are you saying?” demanded Wylie, perhaps not the most perceptive of chicks.

I spelled it out for her. “This relationship is doomed!”

“
You guys are so unromantic,” she sighed. “Kiss me, Tyler.”

He did. What a breakfast that guy had. I don’t know about him, but after she left I had to return to the trailer for some pressure relief work.

7:43 p.m. I spent the day with Veeva in West Hollywood. Sister Joan dropped me off at this immense building on Melrose the locals call the Blue Whale. Its real name is the Pacific Design Center, and it’s Veeva’s constant haunt. A couple of hundred showrooms featuring edgy furnishings you won’t find at your local Wal-Mart. Looked like the kind of place kids would get tossed out of, but everyone seemed happy to see Veeva. A real ordeal for the feet. We trooped all over, scouting for accessories, smirking at the gaucheries, and revisiting all those tempting pieces she had to forego for space or budget reasons. It’s a shocking crime that Veeva had only $75,000 to spend on her room makeover. I pointed out that sum would buy five trailers on my road and probably the occupants as well.

“
But I don’t want five trailers,” she replied. “I just want a room that won’t embarrass me when I invite my friends over. You have no idea what a joke my budget was. When I first started on my project, some of the snootier showrooms suggested I try looking at IKEA.”

“
How mortifying for you.”

She ignored the sarcasm. “Well, the shoe was on the other foot when I informed them who my mother was. They changed their tune in a hurry.”

I made a mental note to mention Connie Saunders the next time I needed to impress a decorator.

After grinding our feet down to the bone, we had a late lunch in the Blue Whale’s trendy restaurant. Veeva said she would pay as long as I didn’t order anything “that walked or swam.” She forgot to exclude “slithered,” but there was no snake or lizard on the menu. We both had Caesar salads with grilled asparagus. Tasty if not exactly filling. I was so ready for a burger too.

While munching our salads, Veeva casually inquired if Tyler had a girlfriend.

“
No, Tyler does not have a girlfriend,” I replied. “He has about 37 girlfriends. For example, he breakfasted this morning with Wylie, who looks like a fresh-faced Reese Witherspoon.”

“
You lie.”

“
I don’t lie.”

“
His parents let her sleep over?”

“
No, she drops by at 9 a.m. every Wednesday. Tyler has promised his mom he won’t have sex until he’s 16. Now me, I have taken no such vow of chastity.”

“
And how many girlfriends do you have?”

“
Well, locally I’m only breaking one heart at the moment. But I just blew into town late Friday.”

“
And how about in–what’s the name of your little town?”

“
Winnemucca. It’s an Indian name meaning ‘bored out of my skull.’ Well, I have this chick there I was putting the moves on.”

“
But she dumped you?”

“
I’d rather not discuss it. So how many guys have you slept with?”

“
None so far, but I have impossibly–”

“
Right,” I interjected, “you have
impossibly
high standards.”

“
That’s why I find it so appealing that Tyler’s a Twisp.”

“
I’m more of a Twisp than he is. Nick is my actual brother. Did you see that article about him in
People
magazine last year?”

“
Of course. I took the liberty of forwarding it to Aunt Sheeni.”

“
What did she say about it?”

“
Nothing. That woman is a sphinx about her past.”

“
We could get married too,” I suggested, doing something suggestive with an asparagus spear. Who says only Tyler and Toby can flirt with girls?

“
That’s an idea. Do you love me, Noel darling?”

“
I could work my way up to it if I tried.”

“
Well if I can’t land Tyler, I’ll keep you in mind.”

“
Why be one in a crowd with Tyler when you can have all of me?”

“
Oh, perhaps I like the challenge.”

To make up for my protein and romantic deprivations, I ordered two desserts. Veeva didn’t seem to mind. Amazingly, she refused to sample either the fudge cake or the nectarine-apricot tart. Such willpower is beyond me. And that girl could stand to put on a few pounds too. Somehow the conversation got around to my long-lost father.

“
But you’re going to see him aren’t you?” she asked, excited.

“
I don’t know. My sister doesn’t seem to be making much progress on a reunion.”

“
Then we’ll go see him ourselves, Noel. We’ll go there tomorrow! I’m sure he can tell us about Nick and Sheeni.”

We worked out the details, then Veeva paid the check–by credit card. She’s had her own American Express card since she was ten.

“
It’s rather convenient,” she admitted. “But I know it’s just another way for Mother to monitor my activities. She’s such a control freak. If she doesn’t get off my back, I may have to marry you, Noel. Just to get out of the house and drive her insane.”

“
Sounds good to me.”

Whatever her motivation, I’m sure the honeymoon would prove amply diverting. I wonder what kind of honeymoon Nick Twisp had?

We swapped cell phone numbers and parted with a farewell kiss–a light one on the lips. Everyone does that in L.A., even the guys.

I took city transit back to the Valley. Many tedious waits and tricky transfers, but I made it back eventually. I was glad I did. Joanie made burgers for dinner.

9:12 p.m. Veeva just called. She reports her father suggested I phone my grandmother as she may have some interesting news.

“
How the hell does your father know I have a grandmother?” I asked.

“
Search me, Noel, but he was rather insistent. What’s Tyler doing now?”

“
He’s out in his stepdad’s GTO receiving a blowjob from a redhead named Fleur.”

“
He is not.”

“
OK, don’t believe me. I better call my granny. See you tomorrow. I love you.”

“
You do not.”

Somehow flirting with Veeva just came naturally to me. As opposed to talking to A-list Fleur, who left me terminally tongue-tied. It’s true she’s sitting out in the GTO with my nephew, though what exactly they’re up to, I can’t say. I haven’t figure out who she looks like yet. Maybe a young Elizabeth Taylor with freckles.

9:38 p.m. OK, I’d been feeling a bit guilty for not checking in with Grandma, but as I remind myself, she’s not really my grandmother. I just phoned but no one answered. Sort of worrying, then I remembered that Wednesdays are Bingo Night at the senior center.

11:34 p.m. Finally got through to Grandma. After a tedious discussion of our mutual activities and her bingo travails, she spilled some disturbing news. Yesterday a girl dropped by looking for me.

“
I told you, Grandma, I’m not having anything to do with Stoney.”

“
It wasn’t Stoney, Noel. Heck though, why don’t you two kiss and make up? No, this was some other girl.”

“
Well, who?”

“
I don’t know. She told me her name. I forgot to write it down. Something like Irma Spumoni.”

“
Uma!?”

“
Yeah, that was it. Very nice girl. Maybe she was that Italian girl you took to the party.”

“
You didn’t let her in did you?”

“
Of course I did. It was a hot day. I made her some iced tea. We had a nice chat.”

Uma has seen the inside of my trailer! She knows I live in squalor!

“
You didn’t let her into my bedroom did you?”

“
No, Noelly. Why would she want to go in there? Do you have something of hers?”

“
No, Grandma. Did she ask you if I have any, uh, bad habits?”

“
No, Noelly. She was a very nice girl. Are you two in some kind of trouble? Noelly, you know there are condoms in the medicine cabinet, and these days you really have to think about safe sex.”

No way I was going to discuss that topic with my grandmother.

“
Relax, Grandma. Jesus, I never touched her. She doesn’t even like me.”

“
I don’t know, Noelly. I think you should give her a chance. Rome wasn’t built in a day.”

Thank God Uma was foiled in her snooping. She never got into my bedroom to check my mattress. How can I ever return to that town? How?