Richard Yates (15 page)

It’s probably not a good thing for me to go anyway.”

“Why not,” said Haley Joel Osment.

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“I don’t know. I feel sad. I’ve been very sad. I went to a random party girl store today and tried on a dress and looked at myself and I look very ugly and terrible. I’m so nervous that I feel like I’m going to shit and vomit constantly. Over the weekend I felt very lonely and ugly and sad. I went to the movies alone Sunday and sat in the bathroom afterward and cried.”

“Why did you want me to come over today then. Why

aren’t you on chat.”

“Because last night I was feeling a little better because I spent 7 hours making something for you and I was excited and wanted you to come but then I looked at myself today at that store and felt ugly and embarrassed. Chat is too fast right now.”

“Come on chat,” said Haley Joel Osment.

“Hi,” said Dakota Fanning on Gmail chat.

“Hi,” said Haley Joel Osment and stared at the computer screen.

“I don’t know what to say,” he said after about twenty seconds.

“Me either,” said Dakota Fanning. “I’m reading
The
Way
We
Eat
. I’m halfway through. I want to mail it to my dad when I’m fi nished.”

“I mailed you things yesterday,” said Haley Joel Osment about stolen watermelon perfume and a drawing of a hamster that committed suicide by impaling itself on an SUV’s antenna.

“I haven’t mailed things yet,” said Dakota Fanning. “I saved them in case you came. I stole you lemon foot-paste. I think it will feel good if you put it on your face. I put foot-paste on my face once and it felt good.”

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“I wish you mailed me something so I could have it today.”

“I know,” said Dakota Fanning. “You would have it

tomorrow if I mailed something not today.”

“Remember when you said you would mail me some-

thing every day.”

“Yes,” said Dakota Fanning.

“I’m going to kill myself soon,” said Haley Joel Osment.

“I would have this week, I really would have but I wanted to give you things in person,” said Dakota Fanning.

“I thought you would come today. I should have mailed things anyway, I know, I’m sorry. Don’t say that please, I’m sorry.” A few minutes later she said “I’m just going to keep fucking up and making you more miserable. I’m never going to be a good person. I’m too stupid. I’m very stupid.

I’m sorry I couldn’t make you feel okay, not alone. You shouldn’t have to deal with my shit.”

“I wish you recorded songs for me.”

“I did,” said Dakota Fanning.

“Why didn’t you just do that instead of going to a movie.”

Dakota Fanning said she had the songs. She said she went to the movies because she was very depressed and lonely and wanted to sit and stare at something and not have to think but it didn’t work because all she did the whole time was think about how she would rather be with Haley Joel Osment which was why she got up and cried in the bathroom.

“Why wouldn’t you just walk around instead,” said Haley Joel Osment. “I just don’t understand.”

“I did walk around and it didn’t help either. I walked 3

miles to the shitty theater in the fi rst place.”

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“Am I too demanding of people,” said Haley Joel Osment. “I feel so fucked.”

“No, you’re not, it’s just that everyone is stupid. I’m stupid. I’m very stupid and terrible. I really did have things to mail you then decided to keep them for today. I really did.

I’m not lying to make an excuse. I’m telling the truth.”

“Don’t you know that we both know you said you

would mail me things every day,” said Haley Joel Osment.

“Then you should have mailed something else, if only to not have that lie between us.”

“I know. I’m so stupid. I’m so stupid. I’m so stupid. I hate myself so much. I really do feel like killing myself.

I really do. I don’t know what’s wrong with me.”

“I missed you,” said Haley Joel Osment.

“I’m selfi sh,” said Dakota Fanning.

“But now I feel shitty again,” said Haley Joel Osment.

“Can I come Thursday,” said Dakota Fanning. “You don’t have to pick me up at the station, I will fi nd my way to the reading, you don’t have to do anything for me or talk to me, I’ll get enough money. I’m sobbing, I’m so upset with myself.”

“I already said I wanted you to come Thursday. You said you can’t.”

“I know but I can work harder to try to get her to change her mind. I just wanted to ask because I made you feel shitty and I felt maybe you wouldn’t want to talk to me again for a while.”

“Okay,” said Haley Joel Osment. “I’ll meet you at the station.”

“Okay,” said Dakota Fanning. “Thank you.”

“Do you have the
Eightball
that says
Twentieth
Century
Eightball
on it,” said Haley Joel Osment.

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“No, not yet. That’s the anthology of all
Eightball
issues.”

“I got it for you,” said Haley Joel Osment.

“Thank you. I spent all night hand-sewing you an obese green hamster stuffed animal. It’s very soft and squishy. I will bring it for you on the train.”

“Okay,” said Haley Joel Osment.

“I walked Sunday and someone wrote in dirt on a window ‘clitoris pie bitch’ and I wanted to show you but I couldn’t and felt sad,” said Dakota Fanning.

“You could have taken a picture,” said Haley Joel

Osment.

“Donald Trump should say ‘clitoris pie bitch,’” said Dakota Fanning. “I know, I was stupid. I didn’t take it because we weren’t talking and I didn’t think to take it and then send it to you Tuesday.”

“Okay,” said Haley Joel Osment.

“Do you like Kill Your Idols.”

“No,” said Haley Joel Osment.

“Okay,” said Dakota Fanning and emailed him a song.

Haley Joel Osment was looking at literary blogs

“Did you get the song,” said Dakota Fanning after about ten minutes.

“Yeah,” said Haley Joel Osment.

“Okay,” said Dakota Fanning. “I’m going to go do

things because there isn’t anything I can say and there probably isn’t any way I’ll get you to laugh now so there’s no reason for me to be on here when I can be working on other things for you.” Haley Joel Osment emailed about ten minutes later thanking her for recording songs and making him an obese stuffed animal. “I’m excited to hear the songs and see the hamster,” said the email.

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The next night he went to New Jersey and in the morning they went to New York City and he read poetry to people in Brooklyn. They rode the 8:54 p.m. train to New Jersey and listened in Dakota Fanning’s room to the songs she recorded including “Tripped” by Neva Dinova and then around midnight watched
Chunking
Express
in the living room. Dakota Fanning was asleep for most of the movie. Haley Joel Osment went to New York City the next afternoon. “I think you like other things better than me,” he said on Gmail chat that night. “I mean generally you like things that aren’t people. More than people. Like eating or sleeping or something. If you don’t want to do something then just tell me and we don’t have to be boyfriend and girlfriend anymore, instead of just pretending or something.”

“I want to be boyfriend and girlfriend,” said Dakota Fanning. “I am learning. I know what to do.”

“I don’t understand when people don’t do what they say they want to do.”

“Me either,” said Dakota Fanning. “That’s why I don’t understand myself or like myself.”

“I still don’t understand,” said Haley Joel Osment.

“I’m killing myself,” said Dakota Fanning. “Good

night.”

“Wait,” said Haley Joel Osment.

“Sorry,” said Dakota Fanning.

“Stop being an out-of-control tape man.”

“Are you upset?” said Dakota Fanning.

“No,” said Haley Joel Osment.

“Okay,” said Dakota Fanning.

“You said you used to be a nice polite non cheese beast,”

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and they became obsessed with her. “All they ever did was talk about how much they loved me or how great I suppos-edly was,” she said. “They never really did anything.”

Haley Joel Osment said something about not getting a present on his birthday.

“I know that was wrong of me but that is another thing I have to change from the way I was raised,” said Dakota Fanning. “No one cares about birthdays in my family. For my birthday this year my mom bought me a shitty card, my dad called me and said he would call back but never did and my brother never even said happy birthday, just said

‘why do you have to be a retarded fuck-up and watch stupid French movies’ when he saw
The
Piano
Teacher
on the living room table.” They said some other things and then Dakota Fanning said she told Haley Joel Osment about things that concerned her and he didn’t do anything about it either.

“What,” said Haley Joel Osment.

“I told you about how I get upset when you interrupt people and you just said ‘I’ve always done things like that.’ I told you I don’t like how you chew on your thumbs and you never made any attempt to stop. I never say anything about it because I thought you didn’t think I was doing enough to make you want to think about it.”

“I said I don’t want to interrupt people,” said Haley Joel Osment.

“You still do it though,” said Dakota Fanning.

“I’ll stop chewing my thumbs,” said Haley Joel Osment.

“You did it at the reading. You interrupted the host.”

“I don’t interrupt people,” said Haley Joel Osment.

“She was talking and you yelled ‘I don’t want to go fi rst anymore.’”

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“If it’s something like that I think it’s okay to interrupt,” said Haley Joel Osment.

“It’s okay if you say excuse me or ask politely,” said Dakota Fanning.

“If I know no one there cares I won’t waste people’s time with that,” said Haley Joel Osment.

“You interrupted the man on the subway and all he

wanted to do was help us.”

“I know, and I stopped and said I felt stupid,” said Haley Joel Osment. “I interrupted because I was nervous he was wasting his time.”

“Okay, I’m sorry I accused you,” said Dakota Fanning.

“I still think you should have been more polite to the host,”

she said a few minutes later. Haley Joel Osment said he hated that she was saying these things and that it felt like she was just getting back at him. Dakota Fanning said she wasn’t trying to do that at all. She said she felt terrible. She said if they were talking in real life he wouldn’t feel that way.

The next day on Gmail chat Haley Joel Osment said he felt shitty. Dakota Fanning said she wanted to hug him. “I’m just depressed,” he said. Dakota Fanning said she mailed him a sea lion stuffed animal. “I have to go,” she said. “My mom needs the computer. Can I call later?”

“Okay,” said Haley Joel Osment. “Wait. I feel shitty, I probably won’t have anything to say. You can call if you want.” She did not call. After midnight she text-messaged

“I feel like shit, I’m never going to make anyone happy, I might kill myself soon, killing myself is the only way I will ever positively affect anyone.”

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that Dakota Fanning was good.

Dakota Fanning text-messaged “I don’t know, you just never seem happy with me anymore, even if I make you laugh I just always feel like I’m not good enough.”

A few days later she sent Haley Joel Osment two cell phone photos of a smashed violin and text-messaged “I fi lmed a horror movie for you, will show you Monday, my phone doesn’t send video messages.”

The next afternoon Haley Joel Osment went to New

Jersey and watched the horror movie on Dakota Fanning’s cell phone. It was seven seconds and in two parts. It showed her father walking with both arms forward like a zombie. It showed the smashed violin on the fl oor.

“I like it a lot,” said Haley Joel Osment grinning and watched it again.

“How did you get your dad to do that?” he said.

“I just told him to walk like he was a zombie,” said Dakota Fanning.

In the morning her mother drove her and Haley Joel Osment to the airport.

In Florida they ate dinner with Haley Joel Osment’s mother at a Thai restaurant. They went to Whole Foods and bought many fruits and vegetables. They went to a theme park called Epcot and stole an Alice in Wonderland dress and went in a private bathroom and Dakota Fanning changed into the dress. They stole a stuffed animal with a hidden pouch and talked about using the hidden pouch to steal more things. The stuffed animal was Eeyore. Dakota Fanning photographed Haley Joel Osment wearing Eeyore on mhp-yates-01.indd 126

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