Riding Tall (18 page)

Nick’s face was a strange mix of disgust and confusion. “What is going
on
around here?” he asked, but he didn’t seem to expect an answer. “Austin still has the bunk beds, right? Maybe I will lie down for a bit.”

He stumbled off toward the stairs, leaving Mackenzie and Will alone in the kitchen. They didn’t say anything for a while. Then Will broke the silence. “That was a bit weird, right?”

Fair question, but Mackenzie didn’t think he wanted to be the one to voice the first explanation that had popped into his head. “Maybe he’s got the flu?”

Will squinted at him. “Maybe? But I don’t know about anything harder than pot. But he’s more into that stuff than I am. Maybe he got in too deep.”

Yup, there it was. Mackenzie shrugged to show that he wasn’t sure but said, “Might just be coming down off something. If he’s been clubbing for a couple days. It doesn’t
feel
like sleep deprivation, but that’s what it is. With a few extra chemical effects.”

“Is this…?” Will made a face. “I don’t want to sound like a prude, but is this something I should be worrying about? I mean, he didn’t look too good.”

“Maybe wait and see?” Mackenzie suggested. “If he looks better in the morning, maybe you don’t need to worry too much? It’s just kind of like a hangover, you know? But if he doesn’t get better soon, then maybe he’s been using it too much. Or, you know, maybe it
is
just the flu.”

Will looked like he had something to say to that, but then the mudroom door banged open and Kami came inside, looking almost as tired and pale as Nick had. Lacey was right behind her, and Joe brought up the rear. Will glanced in Mackenzie’s direction, then smiled brightly.

“Hey, guys, welcome home! And, hey! Good news! Nick’s here!”

Joe looked from Will to Mackenzie, then back to Will. “Nick?” he asked faintly. Then, almost to himself, as if he were confirming some inner belief, he said, “Nick. Yeah.”

There was a moment when Mackenzie really believed Joe was going to turn around and head back out the door. He almost wished it would happen, because then he could
follow
, and they’d go somewhere together, just the two of them, somewhere with no pressure and no responsibility and no damn family.

Mackenzie would be perfectly fine with that approach. But he knew Joe wouldn’t be, so he stood up and stepped cautiously toward him. “We’ll figure it out,” he said.

Joe stared at him for a long moment. Then he took a deep breath and turned toward the girls. “Lacey, you can help Kami get ready for bed, right?”

Lacey nodded wordlessly, her wide eyes making it clear she knew there was something extra going on in the house. She took Kami’s hand and led her through the kitchen, leaving Mackenzie, Will, and Joe staring at each other.

“Nick,” Joe finally said. He looked at Will, their shared history clear as he added, “Excellent.”

“He might be in trouble,” Will said cautiously.

Joe just smiled, his teeth showing too bright and sharp. “Yup, that sounds right. Where is he?”

“In bed. He wasn’t feeling well.” Will’s voice was too careful, and Joe stared at him.

“Do I want to know?”

“There’s nothing
to
know,” Mackenzie interjected. “Not until tomorrow. Tomorrow, we’ll see what’s going on and figure something out. Tonight? Go to bed, Joe. Get some sleep.”

But Joe, of course, shook his head. “There’s paperwork, from the meeting. It seemed like a really good place, and Kami liked it. They say they can take her for occupational therapy once a week, but they need a bunch of forms filled out and stuff put together. Information about her medications, and they want a couple of her toys to work with.”

“But it doesn’t have to happen tonight, does it?” Mackenzie wasn’t sure whether he was more angry or sad. Maybe just tired of it all.

And Joe’s mood seemed about the same. “If not tonight, when?” he asked. He waited a moment for an answer he knew Mackenzie couldn’t give him, then turned and started for the basement. He had a little office down there where he kept the paperwork from the farm, and it was where he went when he needed somewhere quiet to focus on reading and writing. Neither skill came naturally to him, but he wouldn’t take Mackenzie’s help, preferring to fight through it all himself.

When he was gone, Mackenzie turned to Will. “You didn’t tell him about the baby,” he realized.

“Didn’t really seem like the right time.” Will sighed. “He’s not doing too well, huh?”

“He’s tired. Nothing a week on the beach wouldn’t fix.”

“Joe doesn’t like the beach. Maybe a week in the mountains.”

Joe didn’t like the beach
. It was stupid for
that
to be the thing that caught in Mackenzie’s throat. All the other challenges, all the different ways their lives didn’t fit together, and it was preferred vacation spots that Mackenzie was focused on. It all just seemed too ridiculous. They couldn’t find any time to be together in their ordinary lives, and then they would have to
vacation
in separate places too? Everything was just too difficult. But it was Joe; he was worth fighting for. If only Mackenzie could figure out who or what to fight
against
.

“Okay,” he said tiredly. “The mountains.” It wasn’t like they had time to go on vacation anyway.

Will stood up and carried his plate to the sink, then turned around and smiled. “Hang in there.”

“I’m trying,” Mackenzie said. It was true. He
was
trying. But it didn’t seem to be doing him any good, and he wasn’t sure how much longer he could keep hanging on.

Chapter 13

J
OE
HAD
always been an early riser. In the summer, it just made sense; there was so much to do on the farm, and he needed every daylight hour to get it all done. And the habit just sort of carried over into the wintertime. So it wasn’t that unusual for him to be in the barn well before dawn and well after dark, especially on the shortest days of the year. What was unusual was for him to feel like he was
hiding
in the barn.

“It’s a sad day when I’m coming to
you
for comfort,” he told Misery as he picked the dirty bedding out of her pen. It was still dark outside, so he wasn’t going to put her out yet, so she saw no reason for his presence and just glared at him. “Fine, not comfort. Company?” She still looked offended. “Yeah, you’re right,” he finally agreed. “If we’re not going for a ride, I won’t come to you for
anything
.”

The other animals might be friendlier, but they were no more likely to help him with his current struggles. He looked at his watch. Almost seven. Austin would be awake soon, if he wasn’t already. He was getting pretty good at quietly playing with his toys until someone else woke up, but it wasn’t really safe for him to be roaming around the house on his own. Ally would get up with him, but she slept like the dead. If Austin went looking for someone, he’d look for Joe, and that would mean he’d wake Mackenzie up.

Joe dropped his pitchfork off at the tool rack as he headed for the door. Mackenzie was pretty clearly running out of patience with the whole setup, and being woken by a feisty five-year-old wouldn’t make him any happier. It wasn’t a comfortable feeling, watching the straws piling up on Mackenzie’s back, waiting to see which one finally broke it. Joe knew he needed to do something more, but it felt like he was pulling straws off one at a time while they were being dropped down by the armful. Living in the country… slam! Big pile of straw. Joe pulled one or two off with tickets to a show. A crowded house full of annoying family members… slam! Another big pile. Joe could try to keep them away from Mackenzie, but they snuck through. Hardly any privacy… slam! A boyfriend too busy and tired to be entertaining… slam! Not even any sex… slam! An occasional blowjob was
not
going to be enough, and Joe knew it. He needed to find the time. The energy.

Or maybe he needed to give up. He plowed through the snow that had drifted over the path to the house. Maybe he needed to stop trying to pretend he could make this work, stop acting as if he had a prayer of making Mackenzie happy. Even before the extra challenges, he’d known there was a “best before” date for their relationship. He hadn’t known exactly what the date was, but he’d felt it there, dancing behind every moment of peace and happiness that they’d found. And maybe it hadn’t been a date at all, maybe more of a state:
Best Before Reality Sets In
. Maybe that was what he’d been trying so hard to ignore.

He pushed the mudroom door open and let Red precede him into the warmth of the house. There’d been a time when the dog would curl up in a snowbank and stay outside all day, but now his old bones seemed to prefer the warmth of the rug in front of the fire. Joe couldn’t argue with Red’s preferences. He shook the snow off his jacket and hung it on the hook, then went into the kitchen and stopped short when he saw Nick sitting at the table. Fuck, he’d actually forgotten about
that
pile of straw.

“You’re up early,” he said carefully. He headed toward the coffeepot and was surprised to find it empty. Nick was usually a big fan of caffeine.

“Couldn’t sleep,” Nick grunted. “Austin kept moving around.”

“He’s up?”

“What? No. In his bed. He was moving around in the bed.”

“You were in bed with him?”

“I was in the
room
with him. That was enough.”

“Oh. I didn’t know you were such a light sleeper. That sucks.” Joe felt like he’d done his duty on the sympathy front, but he pushed himself to go above and beyond. “He should be up pretty soon. You can go back and try again. Or if you’re up for good, do you want coffee?”

Nick’s voice was explosively loud. “I want some fucking
sleep
!”

Well, Nick was always an asshole, but he wasn’t usually quite so obvious about it. But Joe didn’t have the strength to get into it with him. Nick could be Will’s problem, or Sarah’s, or even Ally’s, although she’d probably be even less patient than Joe.

But that wasn’t anything Joe was going to worry about. He washed his hands while the coffee brewed, fixed himself a mug, and started a pot of oatmeal. Then he went to the mudroom and put in a load of laundry. He returned to the kitchen and stirred the oatmeal. He thought about going upstairs and waking Austin up, but resisted the urge. Finally, he gave up and sank into the chair opposite his younger brother.

“You don’t look so good,” he said quietly.

Nick snorted derisively. “No shit.”

“I don’t remember you having trouble sleeping.”

“Well, things change, Joe.” Nick’s voice was bitingly sardonic, and Joe had to force himself not to react. It wasn’t like he hadn’t known what he was getting into, and he’d sat down anyway, so he needed to keep his cool.

“Did you come up here for help or just somewhere to rest up?”

Nick raised an eyebrow at the idea that he could be weak enough to need either. “I came up here for
money
.”

“You burned through it all? What about the bar?”

“It’s
for
the bar. We were undercapitalized.” Nick looked at Joe as if expecting him to be impressed by the jargon and keen analysis of the situation.

“Yeah? What’s that looking like right now?”

“It’s looking like us being unable to pay our fucking
bills
, Joe!” Nick laid his hands out flat on the table as if trying to steady himself. “Our revenue isn’t meeting our expenses,” he said in a calmer tone. “We haven’t found our clientele yet, but we have to be open in order
to
find them. So we have to keep spending money, so we need more.” He nodded as if satisfied that he’d explained the economic theory in terms simple enough for Joe to understand. “Undercapitalized.”

“What’s the difference between
undercapitalized
and
going under
?”

“That’s really fucking supportive, Joe.”

“It’s a straightforward question. At what point do you decide that investing more would be throwing good money after bad?”

“At the point that I no longer believe we have an attractive business that will eventually prosper.” Nick stood up abruptly. “I’ll talk to Will. Sarah and Ally too. You aren’t the only source of funds in this family, you know.”

“I’m not a source of funds at all. Neither is Will. We’re both sinking everything we’ve got into buying the businesses, and if a third of that money isn’t enough for you, we can’t help you out.” He frowned, then said, “And you can forget Ally too. Number one, she’s not going to want to give you anything. But even if she did, she’s still a minor and there’s no way I’m signing off on her risking her cash on this.”

Nick stared at him. “Sarah, then,” he said with false bravado.

“Give it a try,” Joe invited. “But she’s always been pretty tight with her money. You know that.” He was tempted to walk away, but Nick
was
his brother, so he added, “You should talk to a bank. They’ll have experts on staff, people who can look at your financials and your business plan and figure out if you’ve got a good chance of making it work. If they think you’re good, they’ll loan you the money. If they think you aren’t, maybe you need to listen to them, Nick.”