Riding the Corporate Ladder (Indigo) (34 page)

Deena tried to fight it, but her features contorted like she was looking into a carnival mirror. She put both hands over her face to hide her shame.

“I don’t…I don’t wanna cry anymore.”

Yesenia put an arm over her shoulder and pulled her close. Deena sobbed openly. She buried her face in her friend’s chest.

“Why would David leave you?”

“He…he found out about me.” Deena’s whole body shuddered. “He thinks I was using him.”

“Why would he think that, Deena?”

“You don’t know me,” Deena moaned. “You’ll hate me. I’m ugly.”

“Honey, no, you’re not. Don’t say that. I would never hate you, Deena. Come on, talk to me.”

Deena sat up and tried to put a lock on her emotions. She hated herself behaving like this. She avoided catching feelings for this very reason. “Gimme my bottle.”

“I told you, I’m not—”

“You’re not going to stop me from drinking,” Deena told her. “If you don’t give me that one, I’ll go get another one from the kitchen. If you get in my way, I’ll just wait for you to leave.”

Yesenia studied her eyes and knew she couldn’t win. She handed the tequila over, and Deena took a man-sized swig. She wiped her mouth with the back of her hand and sniffled. “I’ve been sleeping around the firm,” she finally admitted.

Yesenia knew of this, vaguely, but was never aware of the full extent. “David found out?”

Deena nodded. “He thinks I only went out with him to get a new position.”

“But that’s not true, right?”

Deena shook her head but said, “It is true.”

Yesenia was floored.

“But only at first,” Deena said quickly. “Once we started dating, I liked him; I really did. I wanted to be with him; I told you that. I didn’t care about the promotion anymore.”

“Did you explain that to him?”

“Yes,” Deena moaned. “I told him I loved him. I only told one other person that in my entire life, Yesenia. But he didn’t even care. He lef…he left me.”

Yesenia sighed. “I’m sorry, Deena. I know that’s hard. Maybe you just need to give him a little time.”

“Forget him,” Deena spat. “I’m the stupid one for feeling like this. I should’ve just stuck to the plan. I got weak, and this is what happens when you’re weak.”

Yesenia frowned. “So, what does that mean? You’re not going to care about anyone else because of this? Deena, he was still going to find out, even if you weren’t in love with him.”

“Maybe so, but I wouldn’t be feeling like this. I wouldn’t have cared. I would’ve laughed at him when he came to my office.”

“And that’s better?”

“It’s better for me!”

“And that’s the problem, Deena!” Yesenia rarely raised her voice, and it was startling. Deena’s mouth snapped shut.

“You go through your whole life not giving a damn about anyone but yourself,” Yesenia went on. “And when it comes back to bite you in the butt—like you should’ve known it would—you still won’t take time to look at yourself. You got problems, Deena, and you don’t even care. It’s always somebody else’s fault.”

“What did I ever do to you?” Deena cried. “What did I do to make you hate me?”

“I don’t hate you.”

“Yes, you do!”

“Deena, you’re drunk. I wouldn’t be here if I hated you. I love you, girl. I just don’t want you to walk away from this worse than you already were. You need to use this. You need to use it to fix you.”

“I don’t hurt nobody…”

Yesenia cocked her head to the side. “You don’t? What about Keshaun?”

“I knew you were going to drag him into this.”

“What about Ron?”

“I didn’t—”

“What about me, Deena? You don’t care about hurting me, either?”

Deena was confused. “I never…how did I hurt you?”

“The last time I went to your mother’s house with you,” Yesenia reminded her. “You dropped me off at Darren’s house afterwards, remember?”

Deena nodded. “I didn’t do nothing.”

Yesenia shook her head. “Damn, girl, you’re so selfish you don’t even notice it, do you? You were staring at my man like you wanted him, Deena. You were looking at him for a long time. He saw it, and I saw it, too.”

“But that was just—”

“Just you being you,” Yesenia said. “I know. But that hurt me, Deena. You’re supposed to be my friend, my best friend. You’re not supposed to do that.”

“I’m…I’m sorry.” Deena’s eyes glossed over again and she squeezed them shut. “I’m sorry.”

Yesenia put a hand on her shoulder. “I forgive you, Deena. I just want you to know how bad you are sometimes. Do you remember when we all met at that club; you brought the twins with you…”

Deena nodded.

“The way you were dressed, and the way you were dancing…Deena, you get so out of control. It’s like, I know you, but then again, I really don’t know you.”

“I don—I don’t know why,” Deena cried. “I don’t want to be like that. I don’t know why I’m like that…”

“But, there is a reason,” Yesenia said. “The way you are, the way you act, the way you dress, the way you treat men; there’s a reason for all of that.” She paused for a moment and chose her next words very carefully. “Were you…were you hurt, when you were younger? I know you already feel bad, and I don’t want to make it worse, but were you ever, you know, molested?”

But Deena wasn’t offended. She shook her head slowly. “No. Not really…”

Yesenia nodded calmly though her heart was racing. “Have you ever seen a therapist?”

“I’m not crazy.”

“Crazy people see a psychiatrist,” Yesenia said. “Therapists help you work through things; things that happened a long time ago that still affect your life today…”

Deena nodded. She pursed her lips and stared her friend in the eyes. “Something did happen.”

A wave of relief rushed over Yesenia. “What was it? Do you want to talk about it?”

“Maybe some other time,” Deena said. “There’s someone else I need to talk to first.”

“Who, Deena? Why can’t you talk to me? I thought we were best friends.”

“We are,” Deena said. She wrapped Yesenia up in a big hug. “You’re the best friend a girl could have.”

* * *

Deena didn’t go back to the firm on Thursday or Friday. She knew there would be a million eyes on her, curious gazes, accusatory stares, and conspiratorial glances. Deena was not yet ready to face those eyes.

* * *

When she woke up on Sunday morning, the last thing Deena wanted to do was go to her mom’s house for their traditional Sunday dinner, but she dragged herself out of bed anyway. According to Yesenia, she could find healing if she faced the demons of her past, and Deena knew exactly where she should get started.

She showed up at Mama Bernice’s at 11 a.m. sharp wearing faded jeans with a blue button-down. She looked pretty blah, and that matched her mood perfectly.

During dinner, Deena couldn’t really get into Uncle Pete’s wild hunting story, and Aunt Cheryl’s baked chicken wasn’t as tasty as it used to be. Even Mama Bernice’s world famous macaroni and cheese, made with love and care and plenty of Velveeta, wasn’t appealing today.

Halfway through the meal, everyone knew something was wrong.

“Dee Dee, you not feeling hungry today?” That was Aunt Cheryl.

“No,” Deena said demurely. “Not really.”

“Oh? What’s wrong, baby?” her mom asked, her eyes already set with concern.

“If some nigga done did something to you, I’ll whoop his ass,” Spencer offered.

“Watch your mouth at this table!” Aunt Cheryl chided. “And you can’t beat up nobody anyway with your ribs poking out like that.”

“It’s just…I got a few problems at work,” Deena confided.

“They ain’t gonna fire you, is they?” Uncle Pete kidded.

“They can’t fire me,” she said with a forced smile. “I’ll sue the hell out of them.”

After everyone was done eating, the family gathered in the living room to watch the Cowboys whoop up on the Washington Redskins. Deena secretly hoped the Redskins would win (Donovan McNabb was a lot sexier than Tony Romo), but she wasn’t interested enough to hang around and see how it turned out.

She gave her mom and aunt a great big hug and bid everyone else a hasty adieu.

“You sure you don’t want to stay and talk about your problem?” Uncle Pete called from the sofa.

“Yeah, it’s got to be somebody in here who can help you,” Spencer said.

Deena paused in the doorway. She felt really unsure about her next move but knew she had to do it.

“Actually, there is someone.”

Everyone waited to see who Deena felt most comfortable with.

“Sheila, could I talk to you outside, please?”

The room went so quiet you could hear the grandfather clock ticking. Sheila was the most startled. She looked up with a deep sneer already contorting her features.

“Excuse me?”

Sheila had her youngest boy in her lap. He was just two, still taking his juice from a sippy cup. Her other son was four. He sat on his mother’s left side with his big head resting on her huge bosoms. Sheila’s oldest child was five-year-old Shayla. Shayla stood behind her mother with an evil glare fixed on Deena. Come to think of it, the whole foursome looked pretty upset with Aunt Dee Dee.

But the elders weren’t about to let this opportunity slip away. Deena and Sheila hadn’t treated each other with civility for over a decade, and if one of them was willing to bury the hatchet, they were all for it.

“Girl, get out there and talk to your sister,” Mama Bernice scolded.

“Yeah, get your butt up!” Uncle Pete ordered. “Sitting over there like you too good to talk to somebody.”

Sheila sighed heavily and rolled her eyes blatantly. She handed the youngest boy off to one of their cousins and took her sweet time getting up. Deena went outside to wait on her. Sheila lumbered through the front door a few seconds later. She closed the door behind herself and folded two strong arms over her chest.

“I don’t care if everybody feels sorry for you,” Sheila said. “I don’t. I don’t care what’s wrong with you.”

The level of raw hate was unbelievable, like they weren’t even related.

“I don’t hate you,” Deena said.

“Yeah, right,” Sheila said. “You been treating me like shit all your life, Dee. I don’t know why you’re trying to make peace now.”

“I was wrong for treating you like that,” Deena said. “I’m sorry.”

“Whatever,” Sheila said. “If that’s all you want, then I’m fixing to go.” She turned, but Deena reached and grabbed her arm. Sheila spun quickly, ready for a physical altercation, but then she saw her sister’s eyes. “Deena, what do you want?”

“I want to talk about Burger King.”

Sheila frowned. “Burger King? I don’t know nothing about no Burger King.”

“That was my first job,” Deena reminded her, “when I was sixteen. You got me that job, remember?”

“I don’t want to talk about that.”

“That’s when you started hating me,” Deena said.

“You slept with Nathan,” Sheila countered. “He made you assistant manager when he knew that was supposed to be my promotion. You knew it, too.”

“Nathan.” Deena shook her head and sniffled. “I haven’t thought about him in a long time.”

“That’s cause you didn’t care nothing about him,” Sheila snapped. “You don’t care about nobody. You just takes what you can get, and then you move on. You use people, Deena. You use them up.”

“You’re right,” Deena said. “I do use people.”

Sheila didn’t expect such honesty.

“But you’re wrong about Nathan,” Deena said. “I cared a lot about him. I loved him.”

Sheila frowned. “Girl, you had just turned sixteen. You didn’t know nothing about love.”

“Yes, I did,” Deena said. “I fell head over heels for Nathan. He was everything to me. I would do anything for him.”

Sheila shook her head. “Deena, Nathan was twenty-three years old back then.”

“I know. And he was my boyfriend. I didn’t use him, Sheila. I loved him.”

Sheila took a second to consider this. “That’s not right. If I had known y’all was actually going together—”

“I got pregnant,” Deena blurted. She never spoke of this, and the enormity of the secret was like a heavy weight lifting from her chest.

Sheila’s eyes widened. “You what? I don’t remember that.”

“I never told anyone,” Deena confirmed. “Nathan told me to get an abortion. He said he would get in trouble if I didn’t. He said I could move in with him after I did it.” Deena didn’t notice, but she was crying again.

Sheila put a hand to her mouth. “You got an abortion?”

Deena sighed. “I was so gone, I would do anything he wanted me to.”

“You didn’t tell Mama?”

“I never told anyone.”

“I can’t believe this.”

“That’s not even the worst,” Deena said. “The doctor, he…he messed up, down there.” She cupped her hands over her lower belly. “After the abortion, they told me I couldn’t have another baby.”