R.I.L.Y Forever (11 page)

Julia took Lilly from him and gave her a kiss and hug. “Hi, baby girl. How’re you doing? Did you have a good nap?”

Lilly was happier now and allowed Julia to put her in her high chair without a fuss. Julia stood next to Ethan as the soup warmed and he made sandwiches in a practiced manner.

“I’m sorry about all the drama, Eth. I’m sure this wasn’t how you planned to spend your weekend. I’m sorry about, well … everything.”

Ethan turned off the stove and took her in his arms. He searched her eyes, not knowing where to begin. There was so much to say.

“First, there’s nothing to apologize for. Not a darn thing. We have a lot to talk about, but what we all need now is food. Then, once everyone is fed, if you’re still up to it, we can chat. If not, there is always tomorrow or the next day or the next. Okay?”

Imitating Lilly, she smiled and said, “Okay, E.”

They ate in comfortable silence, each lost in their own thoughts with Lilly’s babbling filling the silence. As he did the dishes, Julia took Lilly up for a long bath. He heard her reading Lilly a story. It wouldn’t be long before Lilly would fall asleep and Julia would come down. He busied himself opening a bottle of wine and searching for wine glasses.

Julia joined him on the couch after she changed into yoga pants and a long-sleeved t-shirt. She’d washed her face and pulled her hair back with a clip. Her eyes looked bigger than ever. She was exhausted. She tried to put distance between them by sitting at the far end of the couch, but he wasn’t having any of that. He reached for her and hauled her into his arms, forcing her to look at him.

“No, Jules, no way.”

“No what?”

“No distance, no walls, no excuses, and no apologies. Just you and me and just now, not the past rearing its ugly head. Do you understand? I know we have a lot to talk about and a lot to deal with, but we’ll do it together.”

“It’s my past and my mess. I appreciate you being here and wanting to take care of Lilly and me, but this is my life, not yours. You just ended a messy painful relationship and you don’t need another.”

Julia tried to pull away from him, but he tightened his hold.

“I appreciate you trying to protect me, but I know my needs the best. What I need and want are you and Lilly. I’m not walking away. I know you’re scared, but baby, try to have a tiny bit of faith in me. Remember, we agreed—day by day.”

She shook her head and pulled away. This time he let her.

“I told you. I’m not ready for this and I’m not sure I ever will be. I’m not good with relationships of any kind. They don’t seem to work for me, not in the long run, anyway. Matt wasn’t entirely wrong. I am a bit of a scarred mess.”

“That idiot wasn’t right about a single thing.” Ethan didn’t like how this conversation was starting.

“Look, it’s time you knew the full story. He was right about my birth mother and my father and even Ella and her past. My parents never wanted me. No one wanted me but Ella. I thank God for her, but Matt’s right. Ella’s husband was incarcerated. He was on death row for murder the last time I heard. Although she was never involved in his mess, she would’ve never been able to adopt me if anyone, including the state, had any idea what to do with the damaged little girl I was. He was also right about having children. I agreed never to have children when we got married. Look what I came from. I didn’t want to pass that on to my children. So he wasn’t entirely wrong, not about the past anyway.”

“Jules, you’re a wonderful mother. You had a terrible start in life, but that has nothing to do with the kind of person or mother you are. Don’t let his bullshit become your reality. You’re better than that.”

“No, I know I’m not like my parents. I know I’m a good parent. I know I’m not damaged or emotionally unstable. That was devastating to hear coming from his lips, but I don’t buy into that nonsense. I do know though, I’m not great with relationships. After I left Indiana and started undergrad, I didn’t date for years. In fact, Matt was the only man I ever agreed to go out with since you. I fell for him and wanted a family so badly, I didn’t see what others did. Ella and Aimee saw how he always criticized me, how he wanted to change everything about me. I wanted to please him. I tried to be what he wanted, but I was never enough. At first our marriage was good, I thought, but he always wanted what others had and what he didn’t. Nothing was enough.”

Julia stood and started to pace.

“I knew something wasn’t right between us for years, but I ignored everything. I overlooked all the signs of his cheating. He stopped coming home, lied about his whereabouts and became defensive if I asked where he was. So I stopped asking because I was terrified of losing him. Shortly after Ella died, I found out I was pregnant. Aimee had just moved here and was staying with us for a few weeks. She convinced me everything was going to be okay and to just tell him. To say he was furious is putting it mildly. He left that night, telling me to get rid of it.”

Ethan could tell Julia was lost to the past. She stopped pacing and stood in front of the bay window that faced the forest. He sat motionless wanting to go to her, but not wanting to break the spell. He needed to hear the whole ugly story to know what he was dealing with. The more she talked the more the pieces fell in place, explaining so much of her past and present behavior. His heart ached for her.

“Aimee found me that night half out of my mind. I think I would have lost it completely if it wasn’t for her. I woke up to an email from Matt telling me to get rid of it or our marriage was over. He was my only family, the only person I had in the whole world other than Aimee I could depend on. So, although I didn’t want to and knew it was the wrong choice for me because I’d already fallen in love with my baby the second I knew she existed, I agreed to have an abortion. Can you believe I was that needy, that stupid, that damaged?”

Not waiting for his answer, she continued talking.

It pained Ethan to know he hadn’t been there to help her and protect her when she needed him the most. It was illogical to feel this way since she was the one that left him and married another man, but he couldn’t help feeling like he let her down.

“I couldn’t do it. I stopped right before the procedure began. I started crying and couldn’t stop. I begged them not to take my baby. I wanted her. I loved her already and I will never forgive myself for almost letting her go.”

Ethan had enough. He stood and walked to her. He slid his hands around her waist and fit her back to his front. He held her tightly against him, kissing the top of her head, saying nothing. He walked them slowly backwards, sat on a big leather rocking recliner, and pulled her to his lap. Julia came willingly and nestled in with her head against his chest. He smiled because he didn’t think she even knew what she was doing. Her head and her heart were at war. Her brain worked overtime to find all the reasons why she couldn’t be with him. Her heart took the lead, knowing it was safe.

“He called that night to see if I had the procedure and when I said no … we ended. He moved out the next day. When I had Lilly, I was by myself except for Aimee. If it wasn’t for Aimee, I don’t know what I would’ve done.”

“I’m sorry, baby. I wish I had been there. I wish you hadn’t been alone and feeling desperate.” Ethan had to say the words. It was how he felt. When you loved someone, logic didn’t have a role. When you loved someone, even if they hurt you, you didn’t want them to ever feel pain.

Julia straightened in his lap and laid her palm on his cheek. “Ethan, how can you even say that? This was all my doing and Matt’s doing. This life, this mess, I created is mine to own and mine to fix. You are a good man. You always have been, but this isn’t yours. Do you understand?”

He understood more than she realized. She was punishing herself for her past mistakes, even some that weren’t hers to own. She didn’t believe she deserved his help or his love. She didn’t trust herself where relationships were concerned and she sure as hell didn’t trust others. This wasn’t the time to convince her otherwise. He needed the whole story so he could plan.

“We’ll talk about us later. For now, help me understand why you never confronted him about his affairs?”

Julia sighed. “I found out he’d been having an affair with Carla for at least the last year of our marriage a few weeks after he left me. I was hurt and angry. I did confront him about her, but it was a wasted effort. At first he denied it, but then he was matter of fact about it. We were done and he didn’t feel he needed to answer to me for anything. It was Lexi who found out all about the rest. I refused to use any of the information she compiled on him in court and I never discussed it openly with him. By that time, he started to show some interest in Lilly and I didn’t want to antagonize him. I wanted him to develop a relationship with his daughter so she would at least have a father. Is that so wrong?”

Ethan wanted to say yes, it was wrong. She allowed Matt to mistreat her during their marriage and by not holding him accountable she’d given him license to continue doing so for years after. But Ethan wasn’t her. He hadn’t survived what she had. He hadn’t been abused and neglected. He hadn’t lived with insecurity and doubt. He didn’t have the right to judge her.

He also wasn’t a parent. But he could understand her need to give her child a chance to have two loving parents. It would do no good to share his thoughts with her. The important thing now was she found her voice.

“No, I get it. But why didn’t you at least ask him to pay child support? It’s the least he could have done for his child.”

Julia shook her head. “He said it was my choice to have Lilly, not his. He threw that in my face on a regular basis and when the topic came up and I challenged him, he punished Lilly by not seeing her for weeks afterward. In time, I stopped bringing it up all together. Lexi was angry when she found out he wasn’t making the payments. She has a growing file of all his exploits and has been waiting for the day to make him pay.”

“And are you ready for that?”

Julia looked away from him for a few seconds contemplating his weighty question. Then she turned her head and met his eyes and the fire he saw in them gave him hope.

“You know, I never intended to do anything with all that information. I didn’t want that legacy for Lilly. But I’d rather her grow up safe, happy and healthy without a dad, than anywhere near Matt. If the day comes when she uncovers all of this, she’ll know I went all out to protect her. She’ll know someone loved her enough to jump in front of a moving bus just to make sure her life was never touched by ugly.”

Chapter Ten

Julia woke up Sunday morning nestled in her bed and in Ethan’s warm embrace. For a few seconds her heart picked up speed and she panicked. She couldn’t recall why she and Ethan were in her bed—together—or what they had done all night. Her eyes flew open and just as she was about to jump out of bed and out of her skin, it all came rushing back. She took a deep breath and settled her racing heart.

She and Ethan stayed up for a long time talking and eventually she fell asleep right there on his lap. She woke up as he laid her in her bed. She was beyond exhausted and didn’t have the strength to argue with him when he told her he would be spending the night on the couch downstairs in case she or Lilly needed him. She sleepily pointed out the linen closet where he could find a pillow and sheets and fell into a deep sleep.

Her dreams were filled with images of a child being beaten and crying out for help. The little blonde girl was tiny as she huddled in the corner, in a ball, her arms wrapped around herself, on the floor of a cold and dirty room. Normally, the child in her dreams was herself, but last night, it was Lilly’s face she saw. Julia must have cried out in her sleep because the next thing she knew she was being cradled in a warm, strong embrace until she fell asleep again. The dream repeated over and over again with Lilly crying out for help and Julia unable to reach her. Each time she awoke, Ethan reassured her she and Lilly were safe.

Now in the bright morning sun, she was mortified. She hadn’t had this bad of a night in a long time and Ethan was there to see it all. Not only did he have to deal with Matt and all that drama, she too had fallen apart. For a person who hated crying, she did an awful lot of it lately and all of it in his presence. She’d kept her emotions bottled up, but in his presence she let go—too damn much. And he was always there to catch her.

Ethan took it all in stride. God, he was such a good man. The best man she knew. He took care of her and he took care of Lilly like she was his. The boy she loved so long ago had grown up to be a wonderful man any woman with half a brain would love. She wasn’t an exception.

She sighed. She was falling hard and fast for him all over again. He was impossible to resist.

She remembered how he called her his in that caveman, protective way that sent tingles throughout her body. He didn’t hide the fact he found her attractive and he wanted more. God, she wanted to give him more, so much more. But, she didn’t know if she could. What if she gave it to him and she ended up hurt again? This time, Lilly was falling in love too and if he left them, the storm wouldn’t just wreck her, it would touch her precious baby too. He asked her to trust him and if there was one person left in the world she knew she could trust, it was him. She needed to let go, a tiny bit, and trust he would continue to catch her as he said he would.

Julia snuggled deeper into Ethan’s hard, warm chest and felt his arms tighten around her. She didn’t think he was awake yet and she didn’t want to wake him. The poor guy had barely gotten any sleep last night and it was still very early. She loved lying close to him, listening to his heartbeat and feeling the rise and fall of his chest and his warm breath on her hair. Their legs were tangled and although he had a muscular leg thrown over hers that was getting pretty heavy, there was no other place she wanted to be. It felt incredible to wake up with a man’s strong arms around her again. What made this perfect was those arms belonged to Ethan. Her Ethan. She’d always think of him that way and no matter what happened. He was hers.

One of Julia’s arms was thrown over Ethan’s flat, hard abdomen and the other was trapped between them. They were still dressed in yesterday’s clothes, although he’d taken off their shoes and socks. Slowly, so as not to wake him, Julia explored the man she last touched this intimately when she was barely eighteen. He was her first and her best. She only had two lovers in her life, Matt and Ethan. Matt was a selfish lover and he could get rough, especially if he was drinking. She shivered as she remembered the harsh way Matt had taken her at times. Why hadn’t she stopped him? Why hadn’t she protested?

The answer was simple. She wanted to please him. She wanted to be loved. Thank God that part of her life was over. She was better, stronger. She would never allow herself to be treated like that again. Ethan would never touch her in anger or disgust. She wasn’t insignificant, damaged, and imperfect in his eyes or in his arms. This she knew to be true and real.

Julia buried her face in Ethan’s chest, inhaling his musky scent. She couldn’t resist running her fingers through his thick unruly hair. It was divine. Her fingers glided over his cheeks and jaw, his morning stubble scratching her palm and fingers. She traced his soft, full lips with her thumb, licking her lips at the same time. She studied him, but he continued to sleep peacefully.

Julia slid her hand tentatively under Ethan’s shirt and then stopped moving. She listened for any change in his breathing, warning her he was awake. When he continued his deep even breathing, she closed her eyes and let her hands explore. Everywhere she touched, she felt firm well-defined muscles and smooth, warm skin. The light scattering of hair tickled her hand as she glided it across his chest and pecs. Lord, he felt good. Her body agreed and responded to the feel of him.

Ethan introduced her to lovemaking when they were seventeen. He was young and inexperienced, but even then he was a generous lover. That first time, her young body responded to him with a hunger that surprised them both. Even though he was her first and she was scared, she wanted him badly and trusted him. As soon as he kissed her and touched her, she gave herself to him. He was a tender, thoughtful lover.

Julia felt a little guilty taking advantage of Ethan while he slept, but she couldn’t help herself. He felt and smelled too good to resist. She pushed his shirt up and turned her head into him. She kissed him right over his heart. Unable to resist, she kissed him again, this time her tongue darted out to taste him. She heard his quick, deep inhalation and knew she was caught. Julia tried to pull away, her face flaming, but he rolled and his heavy body settled even more on top of her, trapping her between the bed and him.

“Morning, beautiful. Don’t stop. I was enjoying myself,” he said in a gravelly morning voice as he shifted completely on top of her.

“Morning. Sorry, but you’re kind of hard to resist.” She hid her face in his chest, unable to look at him. Her face was on fire.

“Hey, I’m not complaining. Come on Jules, show me those emeralds.”

Pulling up her big girl panties, she met his gaze.

“There she is. Hi, baby. Did you enjoy your exploration this morning?”

“Oh God, you were awake? The whole time?” Mortified, she pressed her face in the side of his neck, hiding once again. Bravery was overrated. This was embarrassing.

Ethan chuckled, enjoying her discomfort. He rolled them so she was lying on top of him and she gasped at the unexpected move. Wide-eyed, she looked at him as he held her to him, her hair falling all around them. He ran his fingers through it, pushing it off her face and behind her ears and she melted more into him, letting her whole body relax against his, luxuriating in the feel of his body beneath her.

“You have the softest hair I have ever felt. It’s like silk and it smells so good, like wildflowers and vanilla,” he said as he buried his face in her hair and took a deep breath. “I love your hair, don’t ever cut it.”

“Really?”

“Yeah, really. It’s gorgeous.”

“He hated it,” she said without thinking. “He said I should cut it because it didn’t have style and I didn’t look sophisticated enough with it.”

“He’s an ass, baby. It’s perfect. It’s you.”

Ethan captured her mouth in a kiss that started out soft and exploring, but turned hot and demanding. Julia liquefied on top of him and raked her hand through his hair, loving the feel of it between her fingers. Her nipples pebbled as they rubbed against his chest and wetness flooded between her legs. She wanted him and from the erection poking her in the belly, he was just as aroused.

Julia made an instant decision. She wasn’t going to overthink this. She wanted him and he wanted her. There were both unattached and despite all her fears about relationships, the past and starting with him all over again, she was going to reach, for once in her life for something she wanted without worrying over every detail about the future. She was going to be reckless … for just this once.

Julia pushed at Ethan’s t-shirt and he stopped kissing her long enough to pull it off and throw it on the floor. She straddled him, her eyes taking in every inch of him. He was magnificent. He folded his arms behind his head and smiled sensuously at her. He was sexy as sin with his morning stubble and his sleep-tousled hair. There wasn’t an ounce of fat anywhere on him and his muscular chest had a delicious smattering of dark hair. She ran her fingers over his cheeks and travelled over his shoulders, biceps and chest, learning him once again. But when she reached his abdomen she looked up, seeking permission. He stayed still, giving her time to explore, and when she looked at his face, she found a naughty smile on his lips.

“Having fun? Is it my turn yet?”

Julia saw the desire in his hooded eyes and felt his growing erection jump and jab her. She couldn’t wait for him to touch her. She was wet just exploring him. She smiled and nodded. She took off her shirt, never taking her eyes off him. Ethan’s smile grew into a full grin. He ran a finger over the upper edge of her cream lacey bra and rubbed his thumbs over each hardened nipple. She couldn’t hold back the small moan his touch elicited. Hearing it, he reached for her and kissed her slowly and sensually.

Within seconds he had her bra off and he rolled them again so she was underneath him. He continued his lazy exploration of her mouth, tasting every inch of it. His hands cupped her breasts. He kneaded them and pinched her nipples between his thumb and index finger. She arched her back and whimpered into his mouth wanting more. She clutched him to her, one hand fisting his hair, the other digging into his shoulder.

She was sure he could feel how wet she was through her thin yoga pants, but she didn’t care. She wanted him to know she wanted him. It had been so long since any man had touched her this way. She was hungry, no, starved for him. When he kissed his way down her neck and then took one nipple into his mouth while his hand continued to caress the other, she saw stars. Lord, the man had a gifted tongue. Julia tugged at his hair and whimpered. She needed more and she needed it now.

“Eth, please. I need…”

“Shh, baby. I know.”

He took her mouth again as his hand found its way into her yoga pants and past her thin thongs. The second he touched her, she arched into his hand and moaned. She was going to lose her mind. She wanted him deep inside her, but this was the next best thing. He’d learned a few things in twenty-two years and as he ran his fingers through her folds and then lightly brushed her clit, she couldn’t hold still. He was teasing her and she wasn’t sure she could take it. She writhed underneath him, trying to get closer, trying to get his hands where she needed them.

“Eth… I… Please,” she begged shamelessly.

With one hand at her hip he stilled her movements. He held her firmly in place while he plunged two fingers into her wet heat as his thumb pressed over her clit. That was it, she saw heaven! Julia cried out her release as he took her mouth with his and swallowed down her cries. Her body trembled as she clamped down on his fingers. She clung to him, holding him to her as she came and came and then came down slowly. She opened her eyes and looked at him with a dazed expression. He held her eyes as he removed his fingers from her and put them into his mouth, licking them clean. It was the most erotic thing she’d ever experienced.

“Delicious!”

Julia dropped her face into the side of his neck. Holy shit. Did he just do that? Did she just do that? She hadn’t let herself go like this with anyone for a long time. When she and Matt first got together, their lovemaking was good, but never as good or as satisfying as it had been with Ethan. She held back with Matt, especially at the end when his lovemaking was perfunctory. Part of herself she kept untouched by anyone but Ethan, only for Ethan, always for Ethan. Matt never knew about Ethan, but he wasn’t a stupid man. The more she held back, the more frustrated he got by her lack of response. Eventually, he stopped caring about pleasing her and focused only on his needs.

“Hey, beautiful, look at me.”

She lifted her head and their eyes met.

“That was the hottest thing I’ve ever seen. I love watching you come apart in my hands. You’re beautiful, baby, and there is nothing for you to be embarrassed about. Okay?”

She reached for him and kissed him, her tongue exploring his lips and every inch of his mouth.

He broke the kiss and framed her face between his hands.

“Please tell me you’re on the Pill,” he begged in a husky voice.

She nodded. They should have had this talk before they were this far, but here they were and they had to act like grown-ups.

“Yes and it’s okay, I’m clean. I haven’t been with anyone since Matt left two years ago. But…?”

“I’m clean too, sweetheart. I swear. I swear you’re safe with me. In every way possible.”

Without hesitation she nodded. “I trust you, Eth. I’ve missed you so damn much. I’m not going to lie. I’m scared to death because if this doesn’t work out between us, it won’t be only me who gets hurt, it’ll also be Lilly.”