Ripped (Siren Publishing Classic ManLove) (3 page)

“Can I please say something?” Roman cut in.

“Yeah, I’m finished!” Kyle said as he started to retrieve his discarded clothing from the floor.

“You’re right. This lifestyle is new for me, but you’re not going anywhere until you tell me what is really going on.”

“Lifestyle? It not about a
lifestyle!
It’s about love,
our love
! Well, at least what I thought was
mutual
love! Besides, I thought you knew what was going on!” Kyle said as he flung the white linen pants and shirt in Roman’s face.

“Okay. We got married last night…”

Kyle interrupted again. “If you call it that! Arkansas refuses to accept our marriage. I wanted to travel to a state that did, but you said that a piece of paper didn’t matter, so I had to be satisfied with just a commitment ceremony! I wanted more, much more! It’s always about you, your feelings, your health, and the rotting corpse that you still hang on to!”

“Go screw yourself! I wasn’t aware that
tops
behaved like jealous schoolgirls! The campy act doesn’t suit you,” Roman said, regretting the words as soon as he spoke them.

“This is me, Roman! Maybe I don’t let it rage so much at the gym or in public, but I am sure you will come to find the south is not the most loving place for the homosexual male. This is who I am with the man I love! Regardless of my athletic body, I’ve always had what I like to refer to as the phenomenal gay vibe. Sorry, Roman, that you look so straight! I think I know the truth, though. Roman enjoys being my versatile gay baby!”

“I noticed your
gay vibe
.”

“Is that all you have to say?” Kyle countered.

“I don’t know what to say, because you still haven’t really told me why you are acting this way! Well, except you think I don’t express my feelings for you. I love you! There, are you happy?” he asked, trying to hide the hurt that Kyle’s words were inflicting.

“Not if I have to ask, and not when I found your appointment book today filled with scheduled visits to the cemetery next to the area blocked out for us! We agreed that the next two weeks would be ours. No work, no therapy, and no cemetery. Just us alone. I’ve craved that for a very long time. I even respected your wishes a year ago when I wanted us to move in together, and you wanted to wait. I considered it a mutual agreement when you preferred to wait until we were committed to make love when I asked you to marry me six months ago.”

Roman approached Kyle so close that his face was a breath away, resisting an urge to slap him.

“She was my wife for ten years! For the last seven months of her life, she carried my child, who, by the way, is buried with her! I never told you that, did I! Or told you how I was pinned, unable to move between the steering wheel and the door. How we were trapped for an hour before a passing car saw our lights in a ditch. I can still hear her screams every night, as she gave birth to our son, while she slowly died. Adam never cried. I walked away with a few scratches and bruises. So if you ever call my wife a rotting corpse again, our relationship is finished!”

“I’m sorry,” Kyle murmured as his face softened, “I didn’t know. However, this is
our
marriage
now
.
I don’t want to compete with a memory for your heart!”

“On second thought, perhaps I will take some more medication tonight,” Roman replied, surprised at the icy tone in his voice, “and you will probably need these in the other bedroom!” he finished, tossing some pillows at Kyle.

“Roman, I know the memories of that night haunt you, but there’s something else. My name is Kyle! I remember when we were joined together, trying to strengthen
our
bond, Lisa’s name escaped your lips!”

“I’m sorry, I didn’t realize…”

“No you never do, and I’m afraid that you cannot see the love that is right here before you! Roman, you know I’m sorry about that night and what happened. If I could bring her and Adam back to you, I would, even if that meant we would never be together. That’s the level of my love for you.”

“What makes you think I would turn my back on you?” Roman said quietly, realizing that everything his husband had said was right. Still, he refused to believe it and couldn’t believe it.

“I need some time,” Kyle said, continuing to gather his clothes. “I’ll sleep in the spare bedroom tonight and have my things out in the morning. I didn’t say you had to stop loving her, or that we couldn’t visit their grave together. Just not so often. I want it to be my body and heart that you crave, not whispering her name. It’s unhealthy for you and probably half of the problem with your legs.”

Probably nothing Roman could say in his defense would make a difference, not even telling Kyle how he felt last night while lying in his arms, or that he wanted the same intimate relationship with him.

“I’d rather you stay here. Sleep in the other bedroom if you need to, until we can work this out.”

“No, you said that our relationship was finished. I was angry.”

“You still are, Roman! Until you get rid of the anger and guilt over losing them, I’m scared that we won’t be able to move forward.”

The pained expression in Kyle’s eyes let Roman know that he was serious. In an unexpected gesture, Kyle crossed the room, gently pushing Roman against the wall. Cupping his face with his hands, Roman felt him kissing him in the same insistent manner he had that night a year-and-a-half ago in the locker room at Ripped.

“My heart has been married to you, gay baby, since our first kiss,” Kyle whispered, retrieving the pillows from the floor and leaving Roman in his bedroom alone.

After a restless night alone, Roman finally crawled out of bed at seven the next morning. Kyle was already awake, as Roman sat at the bar watching him blend a protein shake.

“I’m sorry,” Roman said simply, trying to breaking the tension. “I’ve always liked your hair down, damp like it is now. It reminds me of the locker room, our first kiss.” He spoke softly as he tried to put his arms around Kyle’s waist.

Retrieving a ponytail holder from the counter, Kyle quickly caught up his shoulder-length hair.

“How’s that? Now you won’t have to deal with any emotions from your new
lifestyle
!”

“Can we please not do this again!” Roman replied.

“I didn’t. You did. I showered and am on my way to Ripped. I thought I would put myself back on the schedule.”

“And I took you off of the schedule!” Roman yelled, hurling a cup of coffee into a nearby cabinet.

“Maybe I should find a new boss, then,” Kyle said, crossing his arms over a white spandex shirt that Roman thought revealed too much of his body beneath, desiring Kyle’s washboard abs just for himself.

“It’s that same smart mouth that wouldn’t let me speak last night! We are the same height and nearly the same body structure, so don’t forget that I l
et
you take control last night! Also, you never explained why you were looking at my personal calendar anyway?”

“Angry because he got caught! After we got out of tub and you were in bed, I was putting away your medication in the drawer, and it fell on the floor. The marker fell out, and I put it back to this week, our time. So now if you are finished, I am late for work!”

“I think you might want to sit down and listen to what I have to say, since you are no longer employed there in the manner in which you think you are.”

“I prefer to stand.”

Pulling some papers out of his briefcase on the bar, Roman handed the documents to Kyle.

“All they need is your signature, then of course, telling my…sorry,
our
, employees at Ripped. I want you to have dual ownership with me, and, of course, your salary would match mine. There’s also something else, since you are so convinced that you thought of all the
products
.”

Roman also handed Kyle a black jewelry box.

“I ordered us a set of rings. I didn’t want us to exchange them together at the beach because they represent a very private and outward symbol of my feelings for you. I had planned to slip it on your finger if we had made love last night.”

“Feelings for me. Okay…” Kyle repeated his words, throwing the papers at Roman’s feet.

“This changes nothing and means nothing! I want your heart, not a gym, and not a piece of metal!”

“Read the inscription.”

“Why?”

“Just read it.”

Roman watched Kyle toss the box on the floor near the papers.

“’Always and forever’ is what yours reads. I left mine open, in case you wanted to inscribe something in your own words.”

“Always and forever…a nice touch, Roman.”

“What do you want me to say?”

“How about you are not going to try and talk me into visiting the cemetery during the next two weeks. Maybe we can just visit once a month for a while, then every few months. That would be a start. I thought we could go to counseling together. Maybe you could keep just a few photos of your life with her up, and add photos of us…and maybe you could make love to me without one hand in her grave. All are good places to start.”

“Don’t ask me to do that.”

“Then when, Roman? I seem to remember that you agreed to the two weeks. I want us to be a family and raise children. I want us to explore more than adoption, perhaps finding a surrogate. When I made love to you, it wasn’t something that I took lightly.”

“No, you agreed. I never answered. Don’t you think I want those things, too?”

“I’m not sure anymore what you want! I’m still waiting for you to tell me that you love me!”

“I’ve expressed my feelings to you many times. You’re being unreasonable!”

“I’m being unreasonable? I don’t think wanting my husband to tell me he is in love with me is unreasonable! I don’t need to hear you say again how good I make you feel, or that I’m your sweet boy! I want you to quit looking away from me, like you are now, when our conversations turn sexual! You’re gay! You’ve had sex with a man! You’re someone’s gay baby now! You are acting the same way that you did after I kissed you in the locker room! A homosexual relationship is no different than a straight one. And yes, before you remind me again, I know you still find women attractive. That’s only obvious since I bet most of the time you were making love to me you were spending in fantasyland with
her!

“That’s not true.”

“What? That you don’t find women attractive? Or by some remote chance you were making love to me. I thought you would tell me that you loved me in return when I was under you.”

Roman still wasn’t making eye contact, feeling his cheeks flame hot.

“I made love to
you
, Kyle,” Roman replied, hearing the words and wondering if they were really true.

“That’s debatable! Look, I can handle you being bisexual. I just can’t handle you acting like a schoolboy when it comes to our marriage.”

“I am not acting like a schoolboy! As I recall, I also returned the favor to you,” Roman responded, feeling his anger flare.

“It surprised the hell out of me, considering the fact that I had to initiate everything until that point! Two hours of petting was nice, but I needed more to show you the level of my commitment. I wanted my dick in you as soon as I put you in bed, but considering your
lack
of experience, I waited until I felt you opening up to me, just not telling me you loved me.”

“I know how to make love.”

“Do you now! Because, Roman, you
made love to a man
! I think you need to practice saying it, too. Also, let’s call the
products
by their names. Condoms and KY! Let me guess. When I asked if you had any or if I needed to buy some, I am assuming that you and Lisa were too shy to use any?”

“I already explained to you that we didn’t use those things. We always wanted children and never had any problems with chemistry.”

“So, she was always ready and waiting for her wildly sexual husband? Wonder what she would have thought about you on top of me?”

“Do you always have to be so crude?”

“Yes, when my husband is acting naïve about our sex life!”

In an attempt to change the subject, Roman asked, “So you and Edward didn’t…”

“We did. I’ve had a few other relationships, but I’ve never had the level of trust and intimacy that I feel with you, at least
thought
I felt.”

“I know you may not believe me, but I felt it, too. The thought of your body submitting to me only makes me want you more.”

“Then why can’t you tell me you love me?” Kyle said, grabbing his keys and slamming the door behind him.

Later that afternoon, Roman retrieved the fresh calla lilies from his car, walking the short distance to Lisa’s grave. They had been her favorite flowers. The first time they made love, he trailed a lily over her body as his lips followed.

It was exactly one hundred steps from the gravel cemetery path to her angel marker. Even after five years, he could still feel her presence all around him. She had been his angel, calling her the endearment often. Her clothing, perfume, and every reminder of their life together was still frozen in the condo they had purchased. Roman smiled, also remembering the savings account that he left untouched. It contained almost enough money for a down payment on their first home.