Rising from the Ashes (26 page)

I pulled up to my house to see Lizzy’s car in my driveway. There was no way I could cover up the fact that I’d been crying my eyes out the whole way home. I walked in and dropped my purse on the table by the door.

“Hey, babe,” Lizzy called from my kitchen. “Stacia and I stopped by to discuss Thanksgiving and your birthday.”

Oh, fantastic.
Now I was going to experience my humiliation in front of
two
of my friends. And I wanted to talk about Thanksgiving and my birthday as much as I wanted a hole in my head.

“I know it’s barely noon, but we cracked open a bottle of wine already. Hope you don’t—”

Lizzy’s words cut off as soon as she and Stacia rounded the corner into my foyer and saw my red-rimmed, puffy eyes and blotchy cheeks. I was a very ugly crier.

“What’s wrong?” they asked in unison.

I couldn’t speak past the tears clogging my throat, so I just shook my head.

“Jesus,” Stacia gasped. “When was the last time you ate, Savvy? You look like you’ve lost at least ten pounds since the last time I saw you.”

She wasn’t too far off the mark. I hadn’t really eaten all that much in the past two weeks, and with all the running I’d been doing as a stress reliever, the weight had kind of been falling off.

“Why have you been crying?” Lizzy asked.

I couldn’t stop the laughter from bubbling up. Every time I thought things couldn’t get any worse, they somehow had. What started off as humorless laughter turned into hysterics as I thought about how each day had gotten shittier than the one before. Lizzy and Stacia stood there, staring at me, as I hunched over, laughing so hard that tears were streaming down my face. My abs ached by the time I was finished. They just stayed silent, blinking, while they let me get myself together.

I sucked in a deep breath, still giggling a little, as I filled Stacia and Lizzy in on the latest development. “I made the mistake of dropping off the last of Jeremy’s stuff this morning without calling.”

They led me into the kitchen, and Stacia poured me a glass of wine. I downed the entire thing in just a few gulps and handed it back to her for a refill.

“Did you guys get into a fight or something?” Lizzy asked.

I let out a sarcastic laugh. “Oh no, nothing like that. We hardly spoke at all after Charlotte answered the door, wearing nothing but his T-shirt.”

“WHAT?” they both screeched.

I downed my second glass of wine, and waved the empty glass, indicating I was in need of more. Stacia was right there to fill it.

“Yeah, looks like they’re back together. Sure didn’t waste any time,” I muttered into my glass before I took a big gulp.

“I can’t believe that,” Lizzy said as she took a seat on a bar stool.

“Well, believe it,” I replied. “So you’ll have to forgive me if I’m not really in the mood to talk about Thanksgiving or birthdays. Seeing Jeremy post-sex with my archenemy kind of put a damper on things. Not to mention, Emmy’s still not talking to me, which probably means Luke isn’t talking to me either. And with Jeremy already hating me, plus being back together with Charlotte, I think it’s safe to say that I’ll be taking a pass on our Thanksgiving dinner plans.”

Stacia walked up to me and placed an arm around my shoulders. “You know as well as I do that Emmy will eventually get over this. She just needs a little time. She’ll come to her senses, I promise.”

“You can’t promise that,” I said as I shook my head at her. “I screwed up big time. On a scale of one to ten, my mistake ranks up at a billion.”

“She was just hurt, Savvy. Losing Ella still affects her, and she handled it badly,” Lizzy said.

I couldn’t tell who she was trying to convince more—me or herself.

Stacia tried her best to comfort me. “The two of you will make up. You’ve been best friends since forever. This fight won’t end the relationship between y’all.”

“How do you know?” I asked. “It’s not like there’s anything to base that fact on. Emmy and I have never gotten into a fight in our lives. We couldn’t stand to be mad at each other for more than a few minutes, let alone days. She’s never
not
talked to me before. I don’t see her getting over this anytime soon.”

“Have a little faith, Savvy,” Lizzy told me. “Things can only go up from here.”

I appreciated them trying to cheer me up, but it was no use. We chatted for a while longer before I feigned a headache, and they left, so I could lie down and sleep it off.

Trying to rest was a wasted effort. Every time I closed my eyes, all I could picture was Jeremy and Charlotte, together. And every time I pictured them together, my stomach knotted up, so I spent the remainder of the day pacing and chewing my nails down to the quick.

When my own company became too annoying, I pulled on my running clothes and decided I’d go on a much needed run. I still hated exercise, but I couldn’t deny the stress relieving aspects of it. And, surprisingly, I’d gotten pretty good at it. I no longer felt like I wanted to die after I finished, and I’d managed to cut time off of each mile. If I wasn’t so miserable, I’d be proud of myself.

As I ran, I’d decided to deviate from my original route and I went a different way instead. My iPod was cranked up to help drown out the images of Jeremy and Charlotte that my mind had managed to conjure up.

I’d just finished my second mile when I noticed that the route I’d taken had led me straight to Ben’s street. I’d never been to his place, but he’d told me all about it and I knew I was just a few houses away. I knew that the thought that popped into my head at that moment couldn’t lead to anything good, but I didn’t care anymore. I was so tired of making decisions based on what was best for everyone but me. All I cared about right then was forgetting about the pain I’d been feeling. I wanted to do something for myself for once even if I would regret it later.

I made my way up the path to his front door as the plan took form in my head. I felt a massive sense of determination as I lifted my hand and rapped my knuckles on the heavy wooden door. I hadn’t even considered how late it was until he opened the door, wearing nothing but a pair of pajama pants, his hair mussed up from sleep.

“Savannah? What are you doing here? Is everything okay?”

I wrung my hands together nervously, trying to maintain the courage to do what I thought needed to be done. “Sorry if I woke you,” I lamely replied. “I was just out for a run and I noticed I was on your street.”

He took in my black spandex running pants and tight tank top. “I see that. Any reason you decided to go for a run at nine at night?”

“I just…I guess I was tired of my own company, you know?”

Ben placed his hands on my shoulders and knelt so that he was at eye level with me. “Are you all right, Savannah?”

I was so tired of everyone looking at me with concern or pity. Seeing that in Ben’s eyes fortified my nerves. Standing on my tiptoes, I wrapped my arms around his neck and pressed my lips to his. He froze in shock for a few seconds before pulling away.

“Savvy, what are you doing?” he asked.

I reached up and ran my hands through his hair, and down around his shoulders, trying to pull him back down to me. “You asked me out before, but I was still tied to Jeremy. That’s done now.”

I went in for another kiss, but he grabbed both my wrists in his hands and gently pulled my arms from around his neck.

“Savannah…” he whispered softly with a small shake of his head.

I instantly saw the regret in his eyes. That was enough to rattle me to my core. “Oh my God. You don’t want me anymore, do you?” I asked, embarrassment running through my entire body as I took a step away from him.

“I’m so sorry,” he responded. And to his credit, he seemed completely sincere. “It’s just that…I—”

“Benny, is everything okay out here?” The door next to Ben pulled open wider, revealing a sleepy-eyed, pajama-clad Mickey. “Savannah, sweetie, what’s going on?”

Ohmygod, ohmygod, ohmygod.

“Oh shit. Oh God. I’m so sorry.” I stood there, staring at the two of them, as tears began running down my cheeks. “I’m so sorry,” I repeated, not knowing what else to say.

“Savannah, it’s all right,” Ben insisted.

“No, it’s not!” I ran my hands over my cheeks, swiping at my tears. “As if I wasn’t already enough of a fuck-up, I just came to my boss’s house in the middle of the night and threw myself at him while one of my closest friends was in his bed.”

The hysterical laughter started back up again and combined with the tears I couldn’t get to stop.

Mickey stepped past Ben and reached for my arm. “You didn’t know we were together, honey. It’s okay.”

“It’s not okay,” I demanded. “God, I’m a horrible person,” I whispered more to myself than to Ben and Mickey.

“You aren’t a bad person,” Ben insisted.

“Savvy, babe, why don’t you come inside?” Mickey asked, trying to mask her growing concern with a smile.

“I can’t. I…I have to go.”

Before either of them could say another word, I turned and ran, heading back down the path toward my house. I couldn’t stand there with them any longer. I was beyond humiliated.

By the time I made it back to my house, I had three missed calls and voice mails on my cell—two from Mickey and one from Ben. I listened to the first message from Mickey, telling me that she wasn’t mad and that she was worried about me before asking me to please call her back. I deleted the rest of the messages without listening to them.

I walked into my bathroom, stripping off my sweaty clothes and dropping them haphazardly along the way. I set the water as hot as I could stand it and stood beneath the spray, wishing the water could wash away my shame.

By the time I got out, my skin was bright pink and pruney, and I didn’t feel any better about myself. I needed to do some serious thinking about the direction my life was going in and what I could possibly do to get it back on the right path. I spent the entire night, staring at my ceiling, trying to figure out how to fix everything I’d screwed up.

When my alarm went off the next morning, I was no closer to finding an answer.

The only good thing that came out of the following week was the fact that Ben spent most of his time in court, so I didn’t have to try too hard to avoid him at every turn.