Risking It All (17 page)

“I’ll get it!” Having left her shoes by the front door, Allie’s little feet pounded the hardwood floor as she streaked past the kitchen entrance.

Cecelia’s eyes widened, nausea churning in her stomach. Her heart pounded, half fear and all giddy excitement.

“Oh God, Becca.” She shook her head in panic. “I don’t know if I’m ready to see him yet. He’s going to have questions I don’t know how to answer.”

The mere sound of his voice as he greeted Allie, deep, rich, and familiar, brought up sensations she’d tried not to think about this week. Like his hot breath on her neck as he whispered in her ear. Or the storm in his eyes when he’d surged inside her.

She hadn’t even laid eyes on him yet. What would happen when they were alone, when Becca and Allie weren’t there to keep the distance between them? Okay, so he’d promised he wouldn’t push, but if she was thinking this stuff, she was darn sure he was, too. In which case, they were doomed.

Her stomach roiled, morning sickness seizing her.

“Excuse me.” She leaped from her seat and ran, heading for the bathroom at the end of the hall. She streaked past Kyle as Allie led him up the hallway, her mind registering the confusion and concern in his eyes.

***

Standing at the kitchen counter staring at the paper bag containing the dinner he’d brought, Kyle knew the instant Ceci returned to the kitchen. Her scent immediately pervaded the room. Soft and subtle, a lot like the woman, and he’d know it anywhere. It had haunted him this week. It was a scent he’d known for years, but getting to discover its source on her skin had been a different experience entirely.

As he opened the bag, determination streaked through him. Leaving her last week had felt wrong. Every night spent alone only served to increase the ache in his gut. His heart said she should’ve been in his arms, her warmth against him as they slept. At the very least, they ought to be spending time together.

Along with the determination, however, came the nagging guilt. He was still keeping secrets from her. It didn’t matter if he knew he’d made the right decision, that to keep her past from her was the best thing for Ceci and the baby. It was a bridge he’d cross if they ever came to it, but he wouldn’t be the one to bring that nightmare back to her. The guilt nagged anyway, because it still felt as if he was betraying her.

With a deep breath, he finally forced himself to turn and face her. She stood beside the table, her knuckles white from her grip on the back of the chair. She looked as nervous as he felt. Her eyes searched his. They held confusion, a healthy dose of fear and desire, muted, more like a smoldering fire than a raging inferno but there nonetheless. That she didn’t bother to hide the emotions from him set his entire body on alert. He ached to have her in his arms, her soft curves against him.

She looked beautiful, as always. She wore only a pair of faded jeans and a T-shirt, but the way the soft cotton outlined the shapes of her breasts made his palms sweat.

He swallowed a miserable groan. He’d far underestimated the power of being in her presence. He must have been out of his mind this afternoon to think he could be in the same room with her and
not
want to touch her.

He offered her a smile, in hopes of ridding them of the awkwardness that filled the room around them. They’d been telling each other everything since elementary school. Lately, there was entirely too much silence. “You okay?”

She echoed his smile, but hers came tight and uncomfortable. She rubbed a hand over her stomach. “Morning sickness.”

“Ah.” He nodded. In an effort to get a genuine smile out of her, he winked at her. “You keep running from me like that, and I’m going to get a complex.”

His attempt at humor didn’t have the desired effect. She didn’t say anything. Her mouth didn’t so much as twitch in response. Instead, she straightened, folded her arms and then bent her head and nudged something on the floor with her big toe.

“What’s this?” Allie’s high-pitched voice drew his attention, muffled slightly by the sounds of a chair scraping the floor. After climbing onto the chair, she peered down into the paper bag and then back up at him and wrinkled her nose in disgust. “It’s stinky.”

“Chinese food.” Knowing full well she hated Chinese, he reached into the bag, pulled out a carton, and wiggled it under her nose. “Want some?”

Allie frowned and shook her head, sending her little blond pigtails swinging from side to side. “Yuck.”

“More for me then.” He winked, set the carton on the counter, and glanced at Ceci. She watched him with a curious, almost wistful gaze. He didn’t have time to contemplate what the look meant, however, for Becca pranced into the room, whistling a happy little tune that immediately told him she had something up her sleeve.

“Since you two obviously have plans tonight, we’ll get out of your hair.” Becca caught his gaze, her mouth curling into a mischievous grin, and linked her arm through Ceci’s. As she left the room again, she darted a glance over her shoulder. “Come on, Allie, honey, we have to go. Daddy’s meeting us at our house.”

“See you later, munchkin.” Kyle smiled at Allie and held his arms out for a hug.

“’Bye, Uncle Kyle.” Allie flashed that sweet smile, hugged him tight, and then jumped off the chair and skipped from the room.

Kyle kept busy for the next several minutes pulling out plates and silverware. He needed the time to gather his wits. He had to behave himself tonight, reset those boundaries and be the friend Ceci needed. A difficult task because he couldn’t forget the last time he was here or stop the images and sensations from invading his mind. If he closed his eyes, he could still feel the soft heat of her bare skin. The cry that tore from her throat as she shattered around him still echoed through his head.

With a heavy sigh, he turned and carried the place settings to the table. The front door finally clicked closed, and the silence engulfed him, taunting him with the fact he was now alone with her. When she reappeared in the archway, every muscle in his body tensed to the point his shoulders throbbed.

He couldn’t resist glancing at her. She stood frozen again, her hands clasped tightly in front of her, her back a little too stiff. As if she were afraid to let her guard down. Nevertheless, fire smoldered in her eyes again, and the boldness with which she studied him made his heart pound. God, he was in so much trouble. How was he supposed to behave when she looked at him like that?

He turned back to the bag on the counter and reached inside to pull out one of the three remaining containers, pretending nonchalance. “I promise I won’t bite.”

“I didn’t think we’d be seeing each other tonight.” A little too casual, she sidled up beside him and plucked open the carton on the counter with the tips of her long fingernails.

The action caught his attention. He distinctly remembered those nails scraping his back and then digging into his shoulders at the exact moment her body tensed beneath him. Right before she came.

He swallowed. Hard. Drawing on willpower from God only knew where, he concentrated on pulling the other two containers from the bag. It gave his hands something to do besides grabbing her and dragging her against him. “Correct me if I’m wrong, but I believe we have a standing Saturday night date.”

“
Date?
”

The obvious unspoken question in her tone made him turn to her. A white carton clutched in her left hand, she stared at him, that soft heat flaring in her eyes.

“Yes, date.” He narrowed his eyes and opted for the playful route. The tension ramping up between them drove him crazy. If he didn’t do something to ease it, he’d go insane. “Even friends have dates. Up until a few weeks ago, the term wouldn’t have bothered you.”

She peered into the carton for a moment, as if contemplating something, then pivoted and carried it to the table. “Is that the only reason you came over?”

Although her voice was quiet, her question was a bold one. He’d been here for barely five minutes, and already he’d glimpsed sides of her he didn’t know she had. Bold sides that threw him off course. How did she want him to answer? Then he decided on honesty.

“No. I came because I wanted to see you.” That was the truth at least. He shrugged a shoulder and shot her a grin, hoping to appear calmer than he felt. “Figured if I came with food, you wouldn’t be able to resist me.”

That Chinese was her favorite couldn’t hurt his chances, either.

She stood silent for a moment. “Who says I’d be able to resist you even without the food?”

Her voice drifted across the kitchen soft and shy, more the Ceci he knew, but still a bold side he hadn’t anticipated. His fingers tightened around the carton in his hands. Remembering it contained very red, very sticky sweet and sour sauce, he quickly deposited it onto the counter.

“Care to repeat that?” His heart pounding, he studied her back as she spilled a small pile of chicken lo mien onto her plate.

The answer hit him square between the eyes. She was digging for something, but her natural shyness kept her from saying it outright. The thought immediately sobered him. It was high time to stop playing games and get the truth out of her. He’d go insane before she ever got there. He grabbed two of the remaining cartons, carried them to the table, and dropped into a chair.

“Whatever it is you want to know, Ceci, why don’t you stop beating around the bush and just ask?” He forced himself to concentrate on opening cartons and filling his plate, trying desperately to appear as normal as possible.

She was silent for so long he wondered if she’d ever say anything. When he finally glanced at her, Ceci had moved to the sink. She stared out the window, her back as stiff as steel. As if sensing him watching her, she slowly faced him. The effort the small action took showed in the way her hands fisted at her sides. “I was just curious why you came over. Given everything, I . . . hadn’t expected it.”

He set the carton back on the table and stared at her for a moment. Finally, he had to know. “You want to the God’s honest truth?”

She remained in the same spot, staring back. Uncertainty, fear, even a touch of desire played in her eyes. Finally, she dropped her gaze, seeming preoccupied with pulling open the lid of another carton. “I always want you to be honest with me.”

His heart thumped his rib cage. Well, she asked for it. “I came because I miss you. Frankly, not spending Saturday night with you feels wrong. Not being with you period drives me crazy. It always has. You’ve been a major part of my life since I was ten. When I had the chicken pox, you had them with me. We rubbed calamine lotion on each other, you remember that? The first time I asked a girl out, I told you first. When I graduated from the academy, you were there. Suddenly we treat each other like strangers. I don’t like it any more than you do.”

“How can you come over here acting like nothing’s changed?” She drew her brows together and shook her head. “I don’t understand how you can do that, just . . . shut it off. I’m still struggling with this. It’s why I haven’t called you. I don’t want to be cruel, Kyle. I hate knowing I’m hurting you, but—”

He shook his head. “I’m a big boy. Like you said, I’d rather you be honest with me. We can get through honest. We can’t get through keeping things from each other.”

As the words left his lips, guilt twisted in his gut. He’d meant them as a reassurance, but they left a sour taste in his mouth. He wasn’t telling her everything. At all. And what he kept from her would destroy everything they had. He was a goddamn hypocrite, in so many ways.

“It’s not easy pretending this doesn’t bother me. All I want right now is to hold you. But you asked for space, and I’m determined to give it to you. But neither can I pretend that not spending time with you isn’t killing me. I came because I had to see you. Even if all we do is watch a movie, I had to see you.” Okay, so that was honest. But he was still keeping things from her. “Care to tell me why you’re asking?”

“That’s not what I want, either.” She shook her head. Her voice filled with frustration and confusion. “I know that’s confusing. It’s jumping back and forth again, but it’s the truth. It’s all I can think about.”

“Then what
do
you want?”

“You.” A fierce blush stole into her cheeks, but she held his gaze. The softness in her eyes matched the tone of her voice. Like it was a vulnerable admission. “I want you.”

“I’m sitting right here.” His heart pounded against his ribs so hard he half expected it to burst through his chest, and only sheer force of will kept him sitting in this chair. She was on the edge of something, he could feel it, and he wanted to know what it was. “What’s stopping you?”

“I don’t know anymore. That’s the problem.” She let out a long, heavy sigh, and her shoulders slumped. “I told Becca. I told her everything. Lord, I couldn’t help myself. It felt so good to tell someone else. You know what she said? ‘Sometimes you just have to take a chance, jump in with both feet.’”

Well, now he knew why his sister had given him those odd looks.

“Becca’s right.” He darted a glance at her as he picked up the carton of the fried pork nuggets.

“What happens when it ends? Where will we be then?” Her voice ended on a harsh whisper, and she turned to stare at the floor. “I don’t know if I could stand seeing you with someone else.”

Ah. Now they were getting to the heart of the matter. Her words lodged in his heart, and the need to touch her, to hold her, became too great to ignore any longer. He stood, closed the distance between them, and lifted her chin with two fingers. “What makes you so sure it
will
end?”

Her tear-filled eyes searched his. “What makes you so sure it won’t? You’re all I’ve got. Maybe it’s stupid and naive and childish, but . . .” Her voice wobbled. Her lower lip trembled. Ceci lowered her voice to a soft, vulnerable whisper. “I can’t lose you.”

“It’s not childish. It’s normal. I get it, sweetheart. I really do.” He stroked his thumb over her trembling chin. God, he wanted to hold her so bad his arms ached, but it had to be her choice. “The very thing you’re afraid of losing is what gives us an advantage.”