Rissa and Tregare (3 page)

"You what?" Scowling, holding a towel around him, Tregare emerged. He stared, then shook his head and laughed. "That's one on me. How long you been up?"

"For hours." She poured the coffee and set the additives handy to their reach. "Liesel and I have been dividing Number One between us and deciding which is to be my half."

"Yeah, I can imagine-just as well I slept in, for once." Haphazard, he slung the towel into the bathroom, then sat naked across from her and sampled his cup.

Again she noted the scars and welts that marred his skin. "Bran-I have never asked before and, if you wish, I wil not again. But I
am
curious-how is it that you are so scarred? In battles, or-"

His face tensed almost to snarling. Then he shook his head and made visible effort to relax. "Mostly not. This, and this-at Escape, when we first took the ship. This, and a few others, in various hassles since then. But most of it-" He shuddered. "-most of it at UET's Academy, before I ever got into space."

"They-"

"Some of it they caled 'discipline,' but the worst was caled 'training.' They'd send a group of us-officer candidates-into the arena to fight free-for-all, every hand against every other. Usually unarmed, sometimes with clubs or knives. The fight went on until someone was kiled."

"What if all
refused?
"

"Al died. One example taught us that. Then a group tried to be smart-ganged up on the smallest and kiled him fast. It didn't work; the rest had to do it ail over again." He put his hands to his face, then looked up. "I hadn't known it was possible to live in such constant fear.
Any
day they could-"

Her hand was to her mouth; she had drawn blood from a knuckle, unheeding the pain of her loosened teeth. "Tregare! That first day on
Inconnu-when
I asked if you were-afraid-"

He nodded. "Yes. I'd fought fear for so many years, the very word set me off. I'd thought I was done with that, but coming into Far Corner, two of my officers were down sick and I had to stand double watches. Got so tired that when I did sleep I had nightmares-and guess what about? Right the first time!"

She squeezed his hand once and let it go. "And to think when I goaded you until you hit me-I thought you were a weak man hiding behind hardness." His lips twitched but no smile came. "Who knows? Maybe I am."

"You, Tregare-Bran? No. If you were, you would not be here. You would not be alive." She went to him and clasped his head against her. "Bran? If you wish-perhaps today I am not really so sore after all." Through her clothing she felt his lips move against her up-per belly, below her breasts. Then, gently, he moved free of her and looked up. "No, Rissa-I can wait until you're truly healed. But you're quite a healer yourself-you know?" He stood, stretched and sat again, and refilled his cup.

She, too, sat. He looked better now, more like himself. She said, "What are your immediate plans? Can you tell me yet?"

"I'm waiting for information I can't move without. How long? I don't know-too many factors-except that whether a certain ship gets here or not, there'll be a day when I go to
Inconnu
or she comes here. And then I'll have to decide things.

"For now-first I have business in One Point One. When that's done, you'll have the tape off your ribs and be chewing again. And you and I go across the Hills to my scoutship for a while, if you like the idea ..."

"Yes. I do like it."

"Good." Careful of her damaged mouth, he kissed her. "All right-I'd better get dressed and go."

"If I could accompany you, you would have said so. Very well-when shall I expect you to return?" He was pulling a shirt over his head; the mesh fabric muf-fled his voice. "Two-three days maybe-I'll call you some-times." Now his head came free of the garment. "Or you call me. If I'm not at Maison Renalle, I'll code relay, when I can, to reach me."

"All right. If I am not here, I will arrange for relay also."

"What? Where are .you going?"

"How can I say? My plans are no more firm than yours."

"Plans? I didn't know you had any. I mean-"

"All my life, Bran Tregare, I have had plans. But only in the past two years have I had the scope to implement them." Fully clothed, he met her in a brief kiss and made his foot clattering way downstairs and out of her hearing. And to herself Rissa thought,
We will be a time, he and I, learning the limits of
each other-and how to loosen them.

after she heard the aircar leave, she dressed for outdoors, took a snackbag from the kitchen and set out walking. She started slowly, but as her muscles limbered she turned uphil and lengthened her pace; soon she was sweating freely, pant-ing against the tape that restricted her breathing. She stopped at a minor summit and turned to look down at the Lodge, and past it. The valley below fell into blue distances before it reached its lighter-colored floor, flecked with yellows.

Breeze cooled her; she found a sunlit, sheltered clearing and sat to eat the lunch she had brought. Now she was thirsty but had no water; she had drunk from streams by hand and the nearest was farther downhill than she wished to backtrack. Remembering a year at the Welfare Center when water had been available only twice a day, she shrugged. Lunch finished, she followed a narrow ridge that first dip-ped and then rose to join the next-higher hil. After a time of strolling, to let blood concentrate for digestion, again she walked fast and hard, swinging arms for balance and flexing her torso as she climbed, pushing herself nearer her current limits.

Underbrush hid the stream; had she not kicked a pebble and heard the splash, she would have missed it. The cool water, tasting of moss and mineral, pleased her. She drank sparingly, rose, and continued the climb.

When she stopped she pushed sweat-soaked hair back from her forehead and looked first up to the next summit, then back to the lessening height of the sun. She was disappointed-to reach the Lodge before dark, she would have to turn back now and make speed. She did so-and even hastening enjoyed the changing view.

inside the Lodge and walking toward the staircase, she met Liesel. "Well, Rissa-you look as if you had a good work-out." 

"I did, thank you. Even with Healing yet to come, I feel more like myself again."

"Good. Listen, now-I'm having some fat wallets here to dine-Council members. Hawkman and Sparline won't be here-or Bran, of course. What I'm saying is, the company wil bore you spitless. So if you want to eat in your room, or the kitchen-" She grinned.

"Besides, these are your new peers-as wel they don't see you first with an eye like sunset through dust clouds."

"Make up your mind, Liesel-is it my feelings or theirs you wish to spare?" She smiled. "No matter-if necessary, I would concentrate on learning strangers and being agreeable, but I am in no mood for it."

"Well enough. Shall I order dinner sent to your room?"

"No, I will do it-but thank you." She touched Liesel's shoulder in passing and went to the kitchen; inside she saw no one she knew by name. She approached the cook in charge and asked for a light meal to be brought to her room. "On a tray that wil fasten to the side of the bathtub, please."

The man smiled and nodded. "Yes, that's a pleasant way to eat. You've been hiking, I see-the grass stains, I mean. I don't get out enough anymore."

He turned back to his work. She went upstairs and ran the tub full, waiting in a robe until her food arrived. Then in the steaming water she sat munching slowly on the tidbits and staples, then sipping wine, while she thought. Thought became daydream, then almost trance; she came alert to find her hand rubbing her for pleasure's sake. She stopped, then thought-why not continue?-and did so. Afterward she dried herself and drained the tub and got into bed. She lay there, thinking how she had told Tregare he must free himself from his past-and that if ever she hoped to love fuly, even so must she free herself from hers.

Using the methods she had learned at Erika's, she breathed deeply and set her mind to remember, from the beginning. First the girl who tried to satisfy her as she satisfied her-self-Rissa could not recal name or face, only her voice and touch. Then Gerard's impersonal usage-she could recapture her discomfort and indifference, the disgust she sometimes felt-none of it seemed important enough to cripple her responses. She moved ahead to Erika's, and those who had taught her many fashions of sexual performance but little of how to involve her own feelings. Here her impressions were pleasurable but lacked intensity. Then Tregare, on
Inconnu,
where sex had been most often a joyless contest. And Ernol -she felt a brief glow, but she remembered her failure, and it died. A future with Bran Tregare? The thought brought only fleeting sensations; she could not hold them.

Stalemated, she shook her head and put attention to the present moment-she was panting, and sour perspiration soaked the bedclothing. Al right-she knew that was a good sign, but she was exhausted and frustrated. No point in bath-ing again this night-she dried herself on an already-used towel and got back into bed on Bran's side, where the sheets were dry. Before sleep came, she thought-well, if she had not found the answer, at least she had cleared a space that might hold it. Her first doze ended with a start, as something in her mind said that for her there was no answer. She pushed that some-thing, vague and unseen, into a compartment and closed it.

Then she slept.

the next days she divided between exercise and rest, and studying the business papers Liesel selected for her-deeds and contracts, development plans, articles of establish-ment-the lot. Liesel did not report on the meeting with Coun-cil members, and Rissa did not ask. Occasionally Tregare caled and twice she caled him, but the talk was of how-are-you, I'm-fine and I'11-cal you-tomorrow-as though, she felt, two recordings conversed. Most meals she ate alone, for she knew she was not good company. Bruises faded, cuts healed; her teeth solidified their roots again. And one day she pulled the tape from her ribs and could breathe freely.

That afternoon brought a cloudless sky. Satiated with details of business on Number One, she set the papers aside and put on walking shoes. Outside, she found the sun hotter than she had expected, and chose to stroll rather than hike. She passed the gate to the clearing where she and Ernol had practiced combat. It was ajar; turning back on whim, she entered and followed the winding path. Ahead she heard a brief cry. She emerged to see two naked persons thrashing on the ground. For a moment her mind insisted she saw com-bat. Then the man roled to one side and the woman rose to straddle him, and she realized they were coupling. Quickly she dodged through the bushes and back onto the path-reaching the gate, she paused and closed it. She walked farther up the hil until she found a dry, sunlit place to sit. There she thought of what she had seen.

She hoped she had not been seen in return. For in this place she did not know the implications of it-the man had been Er-nol, and the woman Sparline.

after a time she resumed her walk. As nearly as she could, she kept a level course along the hillside, seeking a pond she had glimpsed from her window but had not seen at close range. But she did not find it; her route led her into an area of thicker underbrush. Eventually she gave up fighting it and turned back toward the Lodge, taking an alternate path that avoided the gate she had found open and left closed.

She went to her room by way of a side entrance and the rear stairway. She opened her door and stopped; Sparline sat waiting, upright in a straight chair, hands folded in her lap. The tall woman said, "Why not come in and close the door?" Rissa did so and sat facing her, within touching range. "I guess Ernol forgot to shut the gate."

"Apparently. I hoped you had not seen me."

"Rissa! It's all right-nothing shaken."

"Then why are you here?"

Sparline laughed. "Partly I'm just happy and need to talk about it. And partly to be sure you know how things are."

"And how are they?"

"
Will
you get that grim look off your face? Well, I've taken Ernol to me as lover, obviously. He's not the first, I should hope-there's no problem about that. I mean, what he does in bed doesn't affect his career." Her lips moved as if to spit. "One man, once, thought differently-but we can't afford that sort of intrigue. It's no fun, having to rid yourself of someone..."

"What happened to him?''

A shrug. "He had trouble finding work at first-everyone's leery of a reject. But he found a place-he
is
capable. Last I heard, he was doing wel enough."

"Then what else is it that I should know?"

"Something you mustn't tel Liesel. Rissa-I think I want to marry Ernol!"

Rissa thought. "Is there, here, some reason you should not?"

"Only if Liesel says not. But at this point, she well might. Ernol hasn't proven himself yet-except to me, of course. Oh, he
is
a lovely romp.'. Well, more than that, of course-or I wouldn't consider marriage."

"He proved enough to me-twice-against Blaise Tendal. I have looked for him, to give him my thanks, but-"

"Oh, Hawkman's been giving him a quick tour of the prop-erties. Liesel did say she was promoting him-remember?"

"Yes. And-his hand is healed?"

"Good as new, nearly." Sparline paused. "You understand why marriage is so deadly serious with us? It's inheritance-in some ways we're feudal as hell."

She leaned forward. "It'd be safe enough, far as genes are concerned, if I had a Hulzein one-parent child. But we have the techniques without the technicians, so Liesel said we'd bet-ter do it the regular way this generation. And she's dead set on choosing for me, or at least having veto power."

"I see." Rissa nodded. "You need time for Ernol to build stature with Liesel before giving hint of your intentions."

"That's right-but I had to talk with
someone!
You under-stand?"

Rissa did not-she was experienced in keeping her own counsel-but she said, "Of course. And in any way I can, I wil help."

"I was sure you would-wel, almost sure." Sparline stood, gripped Rissa's shoulder a moment, then went to the door. Opening it, she paused and said, "I bet we looked pretty funny, didn't we?" Grinning, she closed the door before Rissa could find answer. it was time, Rissa decided, to come out of her uncommunicative shell. She joined Liesel and Sparline for dinner; at the end of it, Hawkman entered. "I've eaten," he said, but sat for coffee and a liqueur. No one commented on Rissa's bout of seclusion; the conversation touched many subjects, some per-sonal and some business. More than not, Rissa enjoyed it, and afterward found pleasure in the card game, though after an initial spurt of winning she barely broke even.