Rivulet (18 page)

A warm rush of air surrounded me, and the next thing I knew I was lying on the rug in front of the fire. As his lips moved down my neck, his hands urged my shirt up. I let the key I was clenching fall to the floor, daring to give in to him, daring to be his Genevieve once more.

This was the point where I always froze when the others held me, the point where I had to hold everything in, send my mind somewhere else, focus on anything but their touch, the emotions the moment demanded. It was the point where I turned on autopilot and built a wall around my heart and soul. And more times than not, this was the point where I said no, where I stopped myself from going too far. I had to. It was a physical lie, one I could not let my body speak.

I couldn’t force myself to do that now. Even when I told myself that I would freeze him solid if I didn’t—control would not come.

When I felt his hands on my skin, on my chest, I gasped as if it were the first time I’d ever been touched. I fought to pull his shirt off, to feel the fire of his flesh against mine, to feel someone for the first time.

We both sighed as our skin touched. We wanted more. We wanted everything.

I kept telling myself that this was wrong, that in life I didn’t know him, that I wasn’t this kind of girl, but my soul told me I was an idiot, that he was the only one I’d ever really known.

All at once, I realized what all the hype about being skin-to-skin with someone was about. I realized how insanely awesome a seductive touch was.

He couldn’t get close enough to me. We rolled across the floor, both demanding control of this passionate moment, only giving in for a second when one of us found that sweet spot, that touch that made our insides crumble with expectation.

I gasped, “Sebastian,” and that word ignited him. A desire that I didn’t even know was possible between two souls erupted. A few beats later, there was nothing between us but the night itself and we still weren’t close enough to satisfy either of us.

Every touch of his hands, every movement of his body left me yearning for more, to get closer. Dead or not, I’d never felt more alive.

For the first time ever, sweat glistened across my body. I was on fire. It felt so good to be on fire, not to be paralyzed by the cold, to be touched…it was almost painful, but it was a good pain, a pain I would yearn for a thousand times over.

This war of control, to see who could make who sigh and moan and how we could do just that, went on for an eternity, long enough for the fire beside us to dwindle to nothing.

Exhausted, we laid in each other’s arms. My fingertips traced every muscle across his firm chest as his long fingertips outlined the tattoo on my arm, my seven flowers, my seven devils.

A glance from him caused the fire next to us to come to life again, and the blanket across the back of the couch to wrap around us.

He rolled to his side, pulling my body against his, wanting to feel my skin against him.

A blush that made no sense for me to have came across my skin. “I’ve never felt warmth before,” I whispered.

An aching echoed in his gray eyes. “Yes, you have,” he promised, stealing a slow, tender kiss.

“We’ve made this worse, haven’t we?” I asked timidly. After what we’d shared, it would be impossible for either of us to deny a wish, a plea from the other, but neither of us wanted the same thing. I wasn’t prepared to die, and he wasn’t prepared to save me.

He pulled my leg across him and wrapped his long arm around my waist, holding me against him as tightly as he could. “Tell me you trust me.”

I raised my fingertips to trace his dominant profile. “I’ve had to learn to trust myself.”

“What happened after I left? How did you get here?”

That was a loaded question. Twin realities. Those two words were in my memories. They are side-by-side, one light and one dark. I knew there was a divide, one we called The Fall. I knew that The Fall was what our people were trying to close, that souls were moving through it; damaged, tattered souls. Bringing darkness to light. And now, apparently, according to Phoenix I’d moved this home to the dark side. I shivered as I remembered the last scene I witnessed in the North Wing, that awful howling noise coming from the dome room, the purple fire.

“I don’t know…flames. I know there were flames,” I said as I pulled him a little closer.

“Nothing in this house has shown you that time—the details of it?”

“I tend to avoid memories that are painful.”

“You never looked for me?” he asked with a tremble of jealousy in his tone.

“I looked for two beats.”

His jaw clenched with suspicion. “How many beats did Mason give you? Wilder, and the other one, Gavin?”

His hand settled above my heart. Whatever jealousy he was considering feeling faded when he felt the thunder of my heart through my skin.

Truth be told, Gavin never made my heart race at all. Wilder did a time or two, but only when he was angry, and I definitely never went this far with him. Mason was the only one that came close, and I can’t even explain why. Maybe it was because he lived on the edge of life but never intended to...maybe it was because he was just as playful as he was dominant and the shift in his composure always caught me off guard.

“Only one boy has given me two beats. I’ve only really felt his touch…” Pain filled his eyes. “And sadly, I never knew him when I was alive.” Relief took over the fire in his gaze.

“You’re going to have to let go,” he said as his hand reached to caress my bottom lip. “She knows who you are now. She will throw everything she has at you.”

“That’s nothing new.”

“This is a different plane.”

“Same game, though. I feel more vindicated fighting over souls than I ever did fighting over money.”

“I’ll find them, I’ll set them free…let go,” he pleaded.

“You want me to die in your arms? For you to pop in, have your way with me—then send me to the grave?” I all but yelled as I sat up and started violently pulling my clothes on. “Think again. You left before, and I survived. I’ll survive again. Go fight whatever war you’re fighting. Go run with whatever circle you and Skylynn are in. Let me be.”

I was dressed and standing by the time I finished my rant. In a beat, he was, too.

“What is it with this rage?” he asked, reaching for my waist, stopping me from gathering my key and continuing my hunt to find the lock it went to. He knew just as well as I did that the mood swings I was fighting were way out of character. “What happened when I left?”

I pushed away from him. “I don’t remember that part. I can’t get past you leaving in the first place. And I would appreciate it if you would quit trying to create another sad goodbye. Let me be.”

He tensed. “That is what you see? In your mind right now. Me walking away from you?”

“No, only when you look at me like it’s the last time you are going to see me. Sebastian—Phoenix, I have a responsibility to stop this woman. I am owed vengeance. I do not need a knight in shining armor to deliver that for me.”

“Genevieve, you are not an angry soul. Stubborn, but not angry. Do not give her the victory of allowing you to turn into a vengeful soul.”

He acted as if that were the only option. As if what Skylynn proposed, him turning me into whatever he was, was not an option. That hurt. That sliced me in two. Why was he so set on walking me to the grave?

“You lived next to this demon most of your life, you survived, you won. I’ll finish it for you.”

“Newsflash: I didn’t survive her.”

“Why will you not let me do this for you?” he bellowed.

“Because you are not the one that promised my grandmother that you would set her son free, get that woman out of our house, I did. That was
me
. And don’t say it doesn’t matter because I was dead. We were both dead when that promise was made. She knew I was gone and still asked for that vow. I’ve never passed the buck in my life, and I’m not about to start now.”

“Pick a war, Love. One second you want to freeze her, the next you’re unlocking something. Now, now you want her out and to set some uncle free—an uncle you lost long ago.”

“I didn’t know I lost him. I thought he was whipped. I want all of the above. You cleared up the confusion, that key unlocks trapped souls—my uncle is one of those—and if Rasure is dead, then she is out of my house.” I reached down and grabbed the key. “I’m fine. You can go do whatever the hell it is you have to do. My brother Ben is not going to let them pull the plug on me. He will buy me the time I need to figure this out.”

I was in his arms before the next beat of my heart. “How many times do you think you can crash into that lake, live this day over and over? How many times can your friends withstand that? It
will
break you. Tear your mind into shreds. You’ll forget your ambitions, only to remember them again and twist and twist in this vicious cycle.”

I glanced at the floor to the spot we’d lost ourselves in for hours, to where I felt warmth for the first time. A vague smile played at the corners of my mouth. “You’re telling me that I will relive this day over and over, these last few hours.” My eyes rose to meet his. “I’d dive in that lake a million times over if it lands me here, and in-between those points, I’ll figure this out.”

He cupped my face with his strong hands. “Why do you have to make this so hard on me? It’s bad enough that I found you, only to lose you again.”

I reached for his hands. “I’m not the one who left, then. I’m not going to leave now. You make whatever choice you feel like you have to.”

“You’re not playing with me? You really do remember me?” he questioned.

“What kind of girl do you think I am? Do you think I would have even let you kiss my hand if I didn’t have memories of you?” I nodded to the floor. “Do you think I would let the walls I’ve always hid behind down for just anyone?”

He let his hands fall from my face and brushed his fingers through his hair as he clenched his jaw.

“Why does that make you mad?” I asked, feeling rejected, embarrassed that I’d revealed so much to him.

He let his arms fall and gazed at me. “When I found you, my plan was to ease your transition into death. It was going to be painstaking for me because I remember every breath, every poetic movement of your body…but it was supposed to be nothing for you. I would stand by your side through the cycle of your last moments, then walk you to death, send you safely on your way. You weren’t supposed to feel the pain I feel.”

I reached for his hand. “I don’t understand what war you’re fighting, but I know it has to be important, that you would have never left us if it wasn’t. Fight it. Leave me be…maybe one day we’ll both win.”

His painful stare dove into my soul. “When I left you before, it was not for the war I’m fighting today. When I returned, our home was burning. I could see you in the fire, hear you call my name. When I ran into that fire, you were not there and I became what I am today. The war I fight now was weaved from that point, every spell, every plot, every deal made with the devil had one underlying purpose: for me to find you.” He moved closer to me. “When Skylynn handed me that scarf, I felt alive again—whole. I knew that you were real, not some distant dream that I’d fabricated to give me peace. That moment was shattered when she told me you were in the veil, when I realized I was too late once again.”

“Better late than never,” I said gently. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to die, and I plan to avoid the aftermath at every cost.”

“You don’t how dangerous that is.”

I swallowed nervously. “I’m scared, Sebastian. I don’t want to die, and fighting Rasure gives me an excuse, a reason to hold on.”

“She’s the only reason you want to hold on?” he asked as anger and jealousy masked his flawless image.

I knew what he was looking for: a declaration of love, for me to tell him that I didn’t want to leave him now that I’d found him, that I couldn’t bear it…but I’d never told anyone I loved them in this life, never begged anyone to stay with me. I didn’t know how, and I was too scared to try.

I clutched the key in my hand and turned to inspect the clock on the mantle, but as I reached for it everything around me shifted and changed.

Chapter Ten

I was standing behind the bookcase that led to my room. My insides fell into a thousand pieces…I’d expected Phoenix to appear in front of me and demand that I tell him what I was too scared to say, demand it the way Mason, Wilder and Gavin had—only this time, I would be able to say such things. This anger—this quick switch in my emotions was scaring me. I’m sure it was scaring Phoenix, too. As he held me, he solidified those memories in the North Wing. I knew in the life we lived together I was the calm one. He was the one that lived on the edge, which was more than likely why he was doubting if all of me was still here. At this point, I even doubted it.

When he didn’t appear, my breath turned to fog. I felt cold and confused. I slid down the wall, holding my legs to my body, and squeezed my eyes closed as layers of ice began to appear around me. I was standing between the life I had as Phoenix’s Genevieve and the Indie I was in this life, and right now I had no idea what I was fighting for. I just knew I didn’t—I couldn’t let go.