Roads to Quoz: An American Mosey (72 page)

Still, I confess, had I come upon a vessel of any sort going farther south, I’d have signed up for much the same reason I’ll go once into a Bible Factory Outlet store, which happens to be the same reason the bear went over the mountain.

I won’t argue that the local promoters who’ve dubbed Route A1A the “Paradise Highway” are no longer correct, most areas now more verified than otherwise, but I will say, to each his own heaven — or fresh hell. Sometimes it’s a choice between a congestion of vehicles or flying teeth, city black rats or marsh rice-rats, spartina or sports bars, gunkholes or eighteen-hole golf courses. Youse pays your money and takes your choice.

My choice, my Happy Isles, was three-thousand leagues of ragged and sometimes submerged coastal plain, a country sometimes called Low, a tidal world of blackwater rivers, muddied creeks, rank flats; a soggy, stormbound border cursed in at least one place to keep whites from ever making a dollar off the land, a widely unverified area of brackish water where terra firma is more the exception than a given, a spongy maze of runnels and gutters that defy roads and concrete foundations; a slender realm of fluvial and marine emergence where the controlling, inceptive sea usually lies beyond, unseen although eternally there as the intricate isles are not. To travel such a forever temporary continental-edge is to enter a few leagues of a kingdom come, a land of quoz rich in native booty.

Valedictories

An Infinity of Sundry Forms

In a day to come, world weary, people will no longer regard Creation as entitled to admiration and reverence. The unexcelled All, which is goodness and the greatest of what has been, what is, and what shall be, will slip into danger of perishing, for then people will consider Creation a burden, and they will no longer revere the Whole of the Mystery — this incomparable work, this glorious construction made from an infinity of sundry forms, each part an instrument of the Cosmos which without bias pours forth favor on each of its works from whence is assembled entireties in harmonious diversity. Within every one of them exists everything worthy of veneration, praise, and love. And in that grimness to come, then darkness will be preferred to light, and people will think it better to vanquish than to seek harmony, and they will turn their eyes away from Creation, and the generous-of-heart will be thought fools, the intolerant rational, the destructive brave, and the self-serving clever. And all that attaches to the indefinable soul of Creation will be scorned and reckoned nonsense.

—
The Asclepius of Hermes Trismegistus

Third Century A.D.

(Free translation by WLH-M)

FROM THE NEW QUOZINARY OF THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE

(WITH ILLUSTRATIVE QUOZTATIONS)

Quoz (kwoz), n. Anything, anywhere, living or otherwise, connecting a human to existence and bringing an individual into the cosmos and integrating one with the immemorial, thereby making each life belong to creation, and so preventing the divorce of the one from the all which brought it into being.

•   
The Ancient Abyssinian Book of Quests:
“Seek thee therefore the quoz of thy life that thou mayest find abundance surpassing understanding.”

•   
The Gospel According to the Cosmic Travailleur:
“Unto you is given potential according to the measure of the gift of curiosity through which you shall find strength. Wherefore the Cosmic Travailleur saith, Be ye alert that quoz, like stardust from which it ariseth, come unto you and grace your days.”

•   
A Natural History of Invisibilities:
“Upon the pintle of a quoz do our lives pivot.”

•   
Navigating the Gulfs of Heaven:
“A quoz is a snubbing post to hold fast the smallest coracle in the severest gale.”

•   
Field Guide to the Third Planet:
“Pull the cotter pin of a quoz, and watch plenitude slip away like a lost propeller in deep waters.”

•   
The Nodgort Manual of Diagnosis and Therapy:
“In a human spiritual anatomy, as in existence itself, quoz are ligatures conjoining the heart to the brain.”

THE NEW QUOZICON ONE-QUARTER-THOUSAND QUOZO-NEOLOGISMS

FIRST EDITION

quozabaly

quozability

quozable

quozage

quozagonize

quozaic

quozal

quozality

quozamic

quozanalia

quozancholia

quozancy

quozarama

quozarchy

quozardic

quozarkable

quozastic

quozataneous

quozathesia

quozation

quozbibber

quozbiquitous

quozbitionist

quozbolic

quozbolism

quozbotic

quozbrasive

quozcentric

quozception

quozciple

quozculiar

quozcumbent

quozcurism

quozdantic

quozdatic

quozdelity

quozdemity

quozdom

quozdratic

quozdulgence

quozdurate

quozebration

quozedly

quozegory

quozelous

quozemia

quozemic

quozemplate

quozendary

quozendence

quozendental

quozenious

quozennium

quozentical

quozentient

quozenuity

quozeration

quozerdotal

quozery

quozescent

quozession

quozeteer

quozeum

quozevation

quozevision

quozevotion

quozfibber

quozfliction

quozformation

quozfuddle

quozfully

quozgestic

quozhound

quoziastic

quozibilate

quozibly

quozicable

quozicant

quozication

quozicide

quozicize

quozicord

quozicular

quozicum

quoziety

quozificial

quoziform

quozify

quozigence

quozigentsia

quozigraph

quoziland

quozilation

quozilential

quozilient

quozilious

quozilize

quozillance

quozillion

quoziloquence

quozilusion

quozily

quozimate

quozimatic

quoziment

quozimony

quozimythical

quozinarian

quozinary

quozinate

quozinct

quozineer

quozing

quozinity

quozinize

quoziosity

quoziotic

quozipatetic

quozipation

quoziptal

quozisect

quozism

quozistence

quozistible

quozitality

quozitant

quozitary

quozite

quozitecture

quozitical

quozition

quozitis

quozitism

quozitive

quozitration

quozitudinous

quoziture

quozity

quozlery

quozless

quozlet

quozlibrium

quozlicity

quozlingual

quozliterate

quozlitic

quozlivion

quozmania

quozmanship

quozmantic

quozmatic

quozmic

quozmire

quozmonious

quozmute

quoznalysis

quoznify

quozniscient

quoznoiter

quoznonymous

quozocracy

quozodical

quozoficient

quozographic

quozoholic

quozoid

quozolary

quozolate

quozologer

quozologic

quozologist

quozology

quozolonious

quozolution

quozomancy

quozomation

quozomental

quozometer

quozomics

quozompense

quozonaire

quozonasm

quozonastic

quozonomy

quozontal

quozopedia

quozophile

quozophobe

quozopolis

quozopoly

quozordinate

quozorial

quozorious

quozorium

quozory

quozosive

quozosopher

quozosophy

quozosphere

quozotic

quozotive

quozotypical

quozparate

quozpeccable

quozpendent

quozphonic

quozpiration

quozplex

quozplicable

quozpondent

quozpostolic

quozquence

quozquibbler

quozquisition

quozrogate

quozscape

quozsensate

quozship

quozsome

quozsplendent

quoztalgia

quoztarian

quoztation

quozterious

quozterity

quozterminate

quozterpolate

quozticulous

quoztificate

quoztility

quoztiquity

quoztiste

quoztival

quoztraction

quoztributor

quoztronic

quoztropic

quoztrusive

quozuberance

quozumbent

quozvangelist

quozvergence

quozvermental

quozversary

quozversation

quozversible

quozvert

quozvocate

quozways

quozymoron

quozynthesis

ACKNOWLEDGMENTS

In addition to those people mentioned in the text, I want to thank Geoff Shandler, Karen Landry, Junie Dahn, Karen Andrews, Michael Pietsch, Terry Adams, Keith Hayes, Denise LaCongo, and Mary Tondorf-Dick at Little, Brown and Company. Also designer Laura Lindgren and indexer Ruth Cross. Across America, I’m indebted to:

Jess Abney

Margaret Abney

William Abney

Judy Agrelius

Ed Ailor

Susan Ailor

Kelly Archer

Stephen Archer

Steven Archer

Bill Atkins

Pam Bagnall

Brad Belk

Sarah Bishop

Carolyn and Darwin Britt

Julie K. Brown

Larry Brown

Matthew J. Brown

Philip A. Brown

Sandra Brown

T. Rob Brown

Roger Brunelle

Marjorie Bull

Bill Caldwell

Norman Caron

Paul Cary

Schery Case

Andy Collins

June DeWeese

Joel Dicentes

Stephen Easton

Stephen Edington

Norma Elliott

Maggie Engen

Shellie Bell Finfrock

Marlene Fry

Tim Gallagher

Andy Gardner

Tim Gay

Steve Green

Ron Hall

Deborah Harmon

Sheridan Harvey

Hilary Holladay

William Iseminger

Trebbe Johnson

T. R. Kidder

Pat Lesser

Barbara Luczkowski

Maurice Manring

Mike Mansur

Bruce McMillan

Scott Meeker

John Meffert

Galen Moyer

Patrick Muckleroy

Stanley Nelson

Bob Poepsel

Philip Rivet

Greg Robinson

Jim Ross

David Schenker

Ernie Seckinger

Bill Shansey

Joel Silver

Leslie Simpson

Jennifer Smith

Dora St. Martin

Mike Stair

Saundra Taylor

William A. Thomas

James Wallace

Doris Wardlow

Kip Welborn

Steve Weldon

Karen Witt

George Wylder

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

William Least Heat-Moon, the pen name of William Trogdon, is of English, Irish, and Osage ancestry. He lives near Columbia, Missouri, on an old tobacco farm he’s returning to forest.

His first book,
Blue Highways,
is a narrative of a 13,000-mile trip around America on back roads. His second work,
PrairyErth,
is a tour on foot into a small corner of the great tallgrass-prairie in eastern Kansas.
River-Horse
is an account of his four-month, sea-to-sea voyage across the United States on its rivers, lakes, and canals. His three books of travels have never been out of print. Heat-Moon is also the author of
Columbus in the Americas,
a compendium of the explorer’s adventures in the New World.

^*
Contextual footnote for those offended: Gus Kubitzki said he once visited the opolis of Halfway, Missouri, to see about joining the Halfway Christian Church, figuring it accurately described him, but his aged mother (who forbade him to use the word
Devil
in her presence lest evil be called forth) told him he’d be better off in Peculiar where maybe they had a Christian church for his kind. I have all this on his authority.
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^*
Anyone thinking Southern speech is slow has not traveled enough among the magnolias, for a true Southerner can roll out the words as fast as any Brooklynite about to miss the F train; in truth, below Mason and Dixon’s Line, most verbal slowing down is for narrative punctuation, an art the youth of Yankeedom could well stand to learn.
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^*
In the year I write of Gus’s dust, 827,000 gallons of embalming fluid and 100,000 tons of metals will be put into the soil to make newly deceased Americans comfortable. Kubitzki’s cadaver remains even yet to turn in his coffin at the refusal to give him a green burial. He wanted nothing more than a cotton shroud.
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^*
Pickle Pie: 5 eggs; 2 cups sugar; 1 tsp each of cinnamon, nutmeg, and lemon extract; 2 tbsp cornstarch; l cup and 2 tbsp light cream; 1/2 cup melted margarine; 12 ounces sweet pickles, drained and ground; 2 pie shells. Beat eggs and sugar until lemon-colored and thick; beat in spices, extract, cornstarch, cream, and margarine. Stir pickles into mixture and pour into 2 pie shells. Bake at 350 degrees for 60 to 75 minutes or until a knife into the center comes out clean. [Q tip: Add a soupçon of
diced
sweet pickles for crunch.]
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