ROAR (31 page)

Yet here was Pamela wanting him in more vital ways—with needs he could meet knowing she’d be aware that he’d met them. His sessions with Rick had helped him to come to terms with some of his feelings of guilt. Still, he couldn’t be hers or she his in his current situation. Why lead her on? Some might consider his being with her like this to be cheating, but he’d come to see it more as an emotional joining of their minds, not their bodies. He hadn’t abandoned his wife.

Still, how long would he be kept imprisoned along with Tori? One of them had survived the accident.

Yeah, keep justifying this shit, and you’re going to find yourself up to your knees in it.

Pamela turned her face upward and smiled. “This is nice. Thank you for indulging me.”

“I’m enjoying it, too.” The word “sweetheart” almost came out, but he wouldn’t use that endearment with anyone but Tori.

“I probably should head home soon, though.”
Before I get us both into trouble
.

She sat up. “I understand.”

That’s the problem; you’re too understanding.

“I wish I didn’t have to go, to be honest, Pamela, but I’m having a hard time reconciling being here like this with you.”

“Please stop feeling that way.” She laid her hand on his thigh. “We’ve done nothing wrong.”

Not tonight, maybe. Not yet, anyway.

“Yeah, but if you knew how much I want to do something I shouldn’t…” Her eyes grew smoky with lust, and his balls tightened in response.

Damn it. Don’t look at me like that.

“Why do you waste your time with me, Pamela? You should be with someone who can love you one hundred percent. I don’t know if or when I’ll ever be free to be with you.”

“My needs are rather simple. This is the perfect evening, if you ask me. Sitting here together watching a movie, having your hand stroke my hair or talking about…well, whatever. These evenings make me happy.”

“Don’t you get frustrated?” He certainly did.

“That’s just physical. I’ve been taking yoga classes at the gym and learning to channel some of that frustration in other ways.” She laughed, somewhat embarrassed. “We’re both healthy adults. We know how to take care of our basic urges and rid ourselves of pent-up sexual frustration.”

He didn’t want to think about her pleasuring herself at the moment. Not that he could banish the image without a struggle.

Luckily, she continued. “We have a strong emotional connection. Look at you and Tori. It’s not a physical love you share with her now, but don’t you still gain something from your time with her?”

“Yeah. I need those visits every day, even though I’m not sure what either of us gets out of them anymore. But with you, it’s different.”

“It has to be. No two people can share the same dynamic.” She nibbled on her lower lip, making him want to kiss her.

You need to go home, man.

But before he could act on either, she went on. “Tell me about your marriage. What was it like before the accident?”

Did he really want to remember those times? He’d blocked them out in order to be able to function with reality and make it through each day.

Perhaps he could share a less personal account. “I suppose we had a fairly traditional marriage. She wanted to stay home and take care of me and our home. I was driven to make money for my clients and spent long hours working. I didn’t work solely for Gunnar at the time.” He’d lost most of his other clients through inattention in the first year after the accident. “But Tori always made all my worries vanish when I came home. I could forget about work for a few hours.”

“You didn’t have children.”

“No. It was a mutual decision to delay having kids. Tori didn’t think she was cut out to be a mom, and I never thought about fatherhood one way or another. We decided to wait and see if our feelings changed, and then…well, it was too late.”

“I’m sorry.” She stroked his arm.

“Don’t be. I don’t know that I could have been emotionally present these last four years for any children we might have had. Even worse, what if our kids had been in the car at the time of the accident?”

He couldn’t even think about that possibility.

Enough about him. “How about you? Did you ever think about being a mother?”

She sighed and returned her head to his lap. “Not seriously. Never found anyone I thought would make a good father.”

An interesting choice of words. He should drop it, but was intrigued now. “What was your own father like?”

“Wonderful. Treated me like his princess. Until my mom moved away, at least. We were alone for almost a year while I took care of him and the house.”

“How old were you?”

“Twelve.” Both remained silent a moment as he smoothed her hair away from her forehead. She continued. “He remarried soon after the divorce came through, I guess, because Monica was in the family by the time I was fourteen. Anyway, he didn’t need me anymore then.”

Kristoffer stroked her hair, trying to absorb some of the sadness of that little girl who’d been left behind by her daddy. How did that factor into her decisions about later relationships?

“Like you, I’m glad I didn’t bring kids into the world. It isn’t fair to a child to run off to Timbuktu and leave them behind while you pursue some need to save the world.” She expelled a puff of air as if frustrated.

“Like your mother did to you?”

She blinked as though she hadn’t connected the dots yet. “I suppose.”

The hurt in her eyes made him fight the urge to bend down and kiss her in an attempt to take the pain away. Instead, he feigned fighting back a yawn. “I think I’d better hit the road, Sprite.”

She sighed as she sat up again.

Without intention or good sense, he leaned forward and placed a kiss on her cheek. “Thanks for being you.”

“Who else can I be?”

“No one. Stay true to yourself.”

She stared at him so long, she made him uncomfortable. Then she grinned, confusing him further. “No worries. I’m finally beginning to figure out who I am and what I want.”

“Good for you.” They discussed tomorrow’s assignment, and he headed home. She’d given him a lot to think about tonight.

During his appointment with Rick the next afternoon, before visiting Tori, Kristoffer talked a bit more about Pamela. Still no mention of his role as Roar. He wasn’t sure yet if Rick was kink aware.

Out of the blue, Rick asked, “When’s the last time you spent time away from Denver?”

“I go to Breckenridge once or twice a week.”

“No, I mean really away, where you aren’t within a few hours of Tori’s bedside?”

Kristoffer thought back and realized he hadn’t left Colorado since the accident except for two visits in recent years to his mother. “Tori and I used to travel all the time, but I haven’t had any interest in going anywhere in a while.” Not since the accident.

Rick nodded. “Is it that you truly lost interest in travel or that you feel guilty about going places now without Tori at your side?”

“Probably both.”
Where’s the fun in traveling alone?
“I think what I loved most about our ventures was sharing the experiences with her.”
And reminiscing about them for years to come.

“What do you think Tori would say to you if she were able to participate in this discussion right now?”

“She’d tell me to find someone and go.” Her words rang out in his mind as though she were speaking to him. He smiled. She’d always told it like it was.

“Listen to her. A vacation—a change of scenery—could help you gain a new perspective.” Rick leaned forward in his chair. “You love Tori. Nobody doubts that. You two share a soul-deep love very few people experience. Nothing can break that.”

Kristoffer’s eyes stung, and he shifted his gaze to the window behind Rick where the mountains formed not only a backdrop, but a kind of barrier that represented the walls he’d put up between himself and the rest of the world these past four years.

“Kristoffer, Tori wouldn’t want you to stop living life to the fullest. What happened to her was an accident. Hang on to the memories of the good times before the accident and keep those in your heart, but consider taking a few steps forward. Create some new memories. If the tables had been turned and you were the one confined to that bed, what would you want her to do?”

When he put it that way, even though Kristoffer had heard the same question put forth from Gunnar over the years, the words somehow made sense. He wouldn’t wish what had become of his life on anyone, much less his beloved Tori had their roles been reversed. So why then was it supposed to be acceptable for him?

Rick continued, “From what you’ve shared here, Tori loves you too much to have you give up on living.”

Unable to speak to the truth being laid out before him, Kristoffer merely nodded.

Perhaps the time had come for him to make some changes in his life. No, more like time for him to
get
a life, period.

*     *     *

Pamela let Kristoffer into her apartment and placed his suit coat on the coat rack in the hallway. He seemed more subdued than he’d been lately.

“How’d your day go?” she asked.

“Same old.”

He didn’t seem himself. “Is everything all right with Tori?”

“Yeah.”

He didn’t seem to want to talk about whatever was on his mind.

She’d read a lot online about patients in a persistent vegetative state to try and understand what he was dealing with and what the prognosis for the future might be. Tori could live this way until she reached a ripe old age unless some infection or disease claimed her first. No wonder her pneumonia had him so concerned.

Kristoffer took his wedding vows seriously, and without anyone else to care for his wife, he would always be an active part of her care and life, no doubt.

If I were in Tori’s place, would I want that kind of undying commitment from my husband?
Perhaps. What a testament of his love for her.

Be real.
No way would she want anyone to go through that on her behalf. Being trapped in a shell of a body that many years and putting her family through such anguish would be unbearable to her soul, even if she didn’t know what was happening.

Of course Tori had no idea of the sacrifices her husband made for her every day, namely giving up his own happiness in order to remain by her side. While honorable, such devotion had taken a toll.

He seemed resigned to his fate, but was nowhere near happy. Kristoffer didn’t seek love or even sex elsewhere.

Would she be satisfied in the long run to spend evenings like this without any physical intimacy? Did he crave anything other than friendship and providing her with guidance as her Dom or Top? She admired his faithfulness, but not his stubbornness, if that made any sense.

Actually, nothing made sense to her anymore.

Better to continue playing it safe with Kristoffer and not test the waters any further. Tonight, she’d give all thoughts about the future a rest and stay in the moment.

Inside the kitchen, she pulled the salad from the fridge. “I hope you’re hungry. I’m trying something new tonight”

He smiled. “Sounds good. Can I help with anything?”

“Why don’t you take the lamb out of the oven?”

While it rested, she prepared the bread to go in, enjoying working side by side with him like this. Her feelings for him grew deeper every moment they spent together—and the thought of his leaving later tonight hurt her heart.

You’ve got it bad, girlfriend.

She filled him in on her day. With so little going on other than her visits to the gym, though, that didn’t take long. Bored didn’t begin to describe how she felt these days. She’d caught up on medical journals, read some books for fun, and reorganized her pantry. Whatever Kristoffer would be comfortable doing with her, she would welcome.

Even if all they could do was continue to spend quiet nights cuddled on the couch, she’d try to be content. He made her feel cherished. He hadn’t promised her anything more than friendship and training.

“Why don’t we start with the salads?”

After dishing them out, she carried them to the table. Shaking the homemade vinaigrette into a frenzy, she poured some over her salad and passed the bottle to him.

They ate in tense silence until the smell of bread wafted to her. “Oh! I almost forgot!” She jumped up and ran to the kitchen.

Luckily, she rescued it before the loaf burned, although it might be crispier than she preferred. While in here, she removed the leg of lamb from the pan and transferred it to a platter then checked on the vegetables.

“What can I do?”

“Why don’t you slice the roast?”

As he did, she plated their vegetables and then the meat. “Mint jelly?”

“How else does one enjoy lamb?”

A man after her own heart.

“I think everything’s ready.” Pamela picked up the basket of bread slices and butter, while Kristoffer carried their plates to the table where she’d already set out the silverware and napkins.

“Now we can sit and enjoy the rest of our meal without interruptions.” Perhaps she was a little preoccupied tonight. Normally, she’d have no trouble having everything served at one time.

Soon, they were seated together again.

He seemed quiet tonight. Before taking her first bite, Kristoffer’s gaze drew her to him like a magnet. “I need to ask you something, Pamela.”

He sounded deadly serious, causing her to set down her fork. “What is it?”

Was he about to tell her they could no longer continue to meet like this?

He took a deep breath, making her worry even more. What on earth was the matter? She needed her couch time more than ever and hoped it wouldn’t be a thing of the past.

“How would you like to take a little vacation with me? For a week or so?”

Excitement stirred in her once more as she released the tension that had been building up all evening. “Sounds awesome. What did you have in mind?”

“I thought maybe we could go out to Sonoma Valley, enjoy fine wine, good food, and reliable sunshine. Can you do that?”

“My next hospital assignment has been postponed until mid-August at the earliest. And we can handle anything that comes up with the equipment purchases through the Internet while on vacation. So, yes, I’d love a chance to get away.”
With you
.