ROAR (44 page)

“Look! There they are! Aren’t they incredible?”

He glanced at the far-off beach, but only saw tiny black blobs from this overlook. He wondered if they’d be able to get any closer to them.

“I’ll take some photos here, but the best shots will require a much longer hike.”

“I’m up for a hike if you are.” The longer it took, the better chance he’d have to get her to talk about whatever was bothering her, although she seemed to have relaxed now that they weren’t navigating any closer to her mom’s.

After taking some telephoto shots of the seals at the first lookout, they continued on a bit before veering off to the right at a fork in the trail. Twenty minutes later, they found themselves trudging through dry, loose sand dunes.

The muscles in his legs were getting a workout. “Man, not as easy as walking on a wet-sand beach.”

Pamela laughed. “True. I was afraid to warn you about it, because I really wanted you to see this, but be prepared to feel the effects in your legs tonight and tomorrow. Better than the workouts we’ve been doing at the country club these past couple of days.”

“Never mind my legs. What about yours?” he asked.

She grinned up at him. “It’s not my legs that hurt. You swing a mean tawse, Sir.”

He laughed, feeling some of the tension disappear. He’d wondered how her ass was doing after that paddling.

After what seemed an eternity, they reached a boardwalk that made the hike much more enjoyable. At a curve, a park ranger had set up an information station with binoculars mounted on a tripod to give visitors a closer glimpse at the enormous elephant seals.

He and Pamela took turns sharing the scope and drinking water while she took more shots. From here, the now-giant blobs of blubber sunning themselves on the beach were much more visible—and comical. Every now and then, one would lumber over another sleeping seal before plopping in exhaustion and falling asleep. Out in the water, a fight of some sort seemed to be under way. The ranger explained that those were some of the young pups involved in play that would help them fight off predators and even competitors when they were older.

“I’ve never seen anything like it. Thanks for suggesting we stop here, Pamela.”

“Glad you liked it.”

Watching the seals, otters, and ocean birds, while learning more about them from a wildlife expert, had been an eye-opening experience. Tori would have enjoyed this excursion. Too bad they hadn’t ventured far from Sonoma during their visits.

But exploring with Pamela was a treat. They had been out here over an hour, so they decided not to continue on to the farthest vantage spot, given they still had a way to go to reach Carmel. They also wanted to stop for dinner along the way.

While he hated to break the spell, it was time to go. “We’d better head back.”

His leg muscles nearly groaned when they arrived back at the sand-dune stretch. They hadn’t really had much of a chance to talk, trying to conserve their energy for walking.

She was breathing harder than usual, too.

He reached for her hand. “Hey, we’re in no hurry. Let’s stop and rest.”

“If you need to, I’m all for it.”

He grinned. She wasn’t going to concede that she could use a break, too. Pamela never wanted to appear weak, sometimes to the detriment of taking care of herself by pushing too hard.

She pointed ahead. “How about that footbridge?” They traversed the remaining yards, and as she went to sit, a lizard of some sort scampered from its sunbathing spot. “Darn! Wish I had my camera ready for the umpteenth time today. I’ve missed so many shots.”

“But you must have captured at least a thousand other images.”

She laughed and plunked down on the sandy plank. “Ow!” She wiggled her ass to try to find a comfortable position. Kristoffer smiled as he joined her.

Catching their breaths, they listened to the distant barking of the seals and watched the wind ruffle through the grasses in the dunes.

“Kristoffer?”

When she didn’t continue, he prompted, “Yes?”

“About my mom.” Was she finally going to open up to him? “She’s…well, kind of a free spirit.” Nothing surprising there from what she’d told him before. “As I’ve come to know her a little better as an adult, I have the feeling she’s searching for something, but doubt she’ll recognize it even if she finds it. For a long time, she seemed to be anxious all the time. I do think Mom attained a sense of peace with her dogs in recent years, though.”

“Any idea what she’s looking for?”

“No clue. I love her dearly, even if I can’t understand her sometimes. I’ve always wished she’d been a little more…family-oriented.” She shrugged and smiled at him. “You two are polar opposites.”

He wasn’t sure why contrasting the two of them mattered, but she didn’t elaborate. “I’m looking forward to meeting her. Perhaps I’ll learn a little more about you from observing and listening to her.”

Her eyes opened wider as she turned sideways to face him. “Oh, I doubt that!”

“Why?”

“We’re nothing alike. I tend to be more pragmatic and family-oriented, like my dad. Mom wasn’t in touch with either of us for a long time after she left. She was completely absent from our lives until I went to college. Her solitary life out here is removed from most of the activities I’m a part of.”

“Tell me more about your parents’ personalities.” He assumed one day she’d introduce him to her dad as well. He wanted to learn what to expect from each of them. “Start with your mom, since we’ll be seeing her today.”

“Mom’s driven by many passions in life that I don’t understand, because she doesn’t talk much about them. As a preteen, when she first left us, I used to imagine she was a covert spy for some secret government agency.” She grinned, shrugging away the notion, but the pain her younger self must have experienced trying to understand why her mother had left made him ache to comfort Pamela. He reached out to squeeze her shoulder.

She placed her hand over his. “I wish I could explain why she’d just leave like that, so abruptly. Fueling the flames of my imagination, a cloak-and-dagger atmosphere surrounded her before she left. A room I was never allowed to enter, phone calls she’d get freaky about if I happened to overhear.”

Trying to lighten the mood, he suggested, “Perhaps the room that was off limits was filled with kink toys or sex furniture.”

She seemed to consider the possibility before shaking her head. “I don’t think so—and really don’t want to have that idea planted in my head. Thank you very much, Sir.” She smiled, though, which pleased him.

“Anyway, my visits with her after the divorce were nonexistent for the first five or six years. When I went to college, we’d meet in places far from either of our homes. My mind was eager to fill in the blanks. If she were on a mission to save our country or something, it might make more sense as to why she had to leave us.”

She shrugged again. “We’ve tried to make up for it since my college years, but we may never be able to relate to one another the way normal mothers and daughters do.”

“There’s no such thing as normal.”

“Okay, I’ll give you that. But there are
norms
. My family didn’t fit
any
of those.” She pursed her lips and glanced down at the sand a moment, whether actually seeing something or merely needing some space to regroup after baring her soul. “She’s become more accessible in recent years, thank goodness.” Pamela didn’t appear to have any more answers to her many questions now than she had as a teen.

She smiled. “But I think fostering abandoned and abused dogs fills a void in her heart.”

Sounded to him like she discarded dogs the same way she had her daughter. “She doesn’t keep any of them?”

“Mom has trouble making emotional attachments. With the exception of the unadoptable ones, she keeps most only until they can find a permanent home.” She paused. “I never really thought about it, but maybe taking them through the healing process is why she does this work. Not everyone is strong enough to do that.”

“A healer, like her daughter.”

Pamela beamed for the first time all day. “Maybe we have something in common after all.”

“Anything else you want me to know going in?”

She became quiet, perhaps choosing her words. “Mom can be exuberant at first then kind of cools off and becomes more distant.”

“Does she still distance herself from you?”

“I never really thought about it, since we’re closer now than we were in the nineties. But you’re right. She’s somewhat detached.” Pamela bit her trembling lower lip, and this time he pulled her into his arms. No wonder she was nervous about today. She and her mom had a lot of unfinished business.

Sitting up and moving away from him after a moment, she forced a smile. “My mom loves me the best way she knows how. It’s hard to relegate childhood hurts to the past sometimes.” Pamela drew a deep breath. “Mom once told me leaving me was the best thing she could do for me at the time. While I don’t pretend to understand those words, I know she believes that. Maybe someday I’ll understand.”

She stood abruptly. “But I assure you we won’t be getting into any of that on this visit. I hope my revelations don’t make you uncomfortable around her. Trust me, she’s great at keeping conversations superficial, so I’m sure we’ll find plenty to talk about.”

Not ready to let it go as easily, he stared up at her. “It must have been hard for you going through your teen years without a mom.” Her chin quivered before she regained control. He wanted to comfort her before getting behind the wheel again. “Sit back down, stretch out, and put your head in my lap.”

She crossed her arms in defiance a moment but acquiesced. He rubbed the furrows from her forehead and stroked her hair, watching her body relax over the next few minutes. Soon her words flowed again, more easily this time.

“I wouldn’t be the person I am today if not for both my parents. I got my strength and sense of order from my dad, and my independence and a desire to save the world from my mom. While I was in elementary school, she immersed herself in taking college classes and doing homework and was a role model to me for lifelong learning. But I think because I didn’t understand Mom’s motivations and actions at all until later, I leaned more toward emulating my dad.”

“How does he differ?”

“He’s very regimented, of course. There are rules and protocols for everything in the military.”

“To win his acceptance and love, you learned to obey?”

“Maybe to a degree. But I think I learned about service from both of them.”

He wondered if some of her service orientation might be her search for the unconditional love she didn’t receive in her teenaged years.

She went on. “But Dad’s also loving and demonstrative. He always gave more hugs and kisses than Mom did. Maybe because Mom was so young when she had me, she just seemed overwhelmed a lot.”

He brushed a strand of hair from her cheek and tucked it behind her ear. “I’m looking forward to meeting both your parents. And I don’t care if your mom’s nothing like me, if that’s what you’re worrying about. Life would be terribly boring if we were all alike.”

She tilted her head back. “I’m not worrying!”

Kristoffer tapped her on the nose. “Yes, you are. You have been ever since we left Sonoma this morning. Perhaps not about me so much as about seeing your mom again. However, now that I understand your mood a little better, I’m looking forward to this visit even more.”

“You are?”

“Yes.” Maybe he could help Pamela find answers in what he learned from her mother. “But we’d better think about how we’re going to explain this.” Once again, he held up his hand and indicated his wedding band. “I’m fond of touching you in ways inappropriate for a married man to be touching someone not his wife. I don’t want her thinking badly of you for being with me.”

She seemed to give it some thought. “Honesty would be best, if you’re open to that. I wouldn’t tell her we’re dating or anything. But trying to pass you off as a friend would come across as false. Are you okay with telling her about Tori?”

He nodded. “That’s probably the best thing to do. I’ll wait for the right time, assuming she notices the ring at all.”

“That’s a big if. I don’t think she pays any attention to marital status of the men around her. One thing I know for sure is that Mom
isn’t
looking for is a man.”

The mystery of this woman who birthed Pamela became more intriguing by the moment. He helped Pamela to sit up. “We’d better get going if we’re going to turn up in Carmel tonight.” They stood and began their hike again.

They’d left Sonoma many hours ago, and she hadn’t had much to eat at breakfast. He retrieved two energy bars from the bag and handed one to her. “Where would be a good place to eat?”

“Santa Cruz has a nice pier with a number of restaurants.”

“Sounds great.” They plodded the rest of the way through the shifting sand back to the paved path that took them to the parking lot. After using the facilities and texting her mom their ETA, they were soon on their way.

The drive to Santa Cruz had Pamela asking him to pull over a couple more times so she could snap photos of the coastline, a kite surfer, and other sights. He wondered if she was stalling still, despite their talk, but he enjoyed seeing the places they stopped at and figured she probably just wanted to share her love of the drive.

Their seafood dinners were deliciously fresh. Seated at the window, they watched a sailboat regatta returning to the marina.

After dinner and a walk on the pier, their drive to Carmel-by-the-Sea passed faster than the GPS estimated. He navigated down Ocean Avenue past late-night shoppers and jay-walking pedestrians before driving past a couple of blocks of residences.

“It comes up pretty fast,” Pamela said, learning forward to look. “There it is!” Damn, didn’t these people know what a wonderful invention the street light was?

He turned onto the narrow, one-way Scenic Road a few blocks down. Lighting was sparse here, too, making it difficult to see house numbers. They still had the top down, and he heard the ocean waves crashing against the shore directly below them. The evening had grown chillier since entering Carmel.