Roc And A Hard Place (30 page)

Maybe a Rocky Mountain Goat, because it would carry her swiftly up the nearest rocky mountain, and she would be able to hide behind the rocks if she needed to.

She opened her mouth as she exerted her summoning talent.  “Roc—”

Then Snide crashed through the wall of her house.  Actually “crash” wasn't a good description; it was more like a squish, ripping a sagging hole.  The suddenness of it startled her, so that she didn't complete her word.  Besides, Snide was already reaching for her, and he smelled sickeningly fresh.  It was probably time to scream.

But her talent had been invoked, and it oriented on the nearest animal of the type she had named.  Unfortunately she hadn't named an animal, but a bird, and she didn't do birds because a peculiarity of her talent was that—

Too late.  Suddenly she was flying.  She sailed right out through the hole in the mush wall and up into the air.  She knew what had happened:  She had attempted to summon the wrong kind of creature, so instead of bringing it to her, she was being brought to it.  Because it was a type of bird, she was flying to it.

It was her own messed-up magic doing it.  She just had to hope that wherever she landed was not worse than being caught by a fresh man.

Lo, she found herself flying right up into a cloud.  Her talent had never backfired this badly before.  But of course, she was going to wherever the nearest roc bird was, and it must be flying high above the clouds, as they tended to do, so that the magic of perspective would make them seem like much smaller birds.  For reasons she wasn't quite clear on, the big birds tended to conceal their presence, so that human folk seldom encountered rocs close by.

Then, astonishingly, she saw a building on the top of the cloud.  A castle in air!  And she was flying right into it.  What a misadventure!

She came to light in a huge inner chamber, before a roc bird sitting on a huge stone nest.  The bird was fearsomely large, but seemed as startled to see her there as she was to be there.

“Squawk?” the bird inquired.

Pheira didn't understand bird talk, but took this as a question.  She started to explain how, her talent had gotten fouled up, bringing her involuntarily here.

“Squawk!” the bird said, evidently miffed.

“Freeze that frame,” Grey Murphy said.

The scene stopped where it was.  Grundy turned to the Witness, who was sitting right where her illusion self was standing.  “Repeat exactly that Roxanne Roc said to you.”

“She said 'Squawk?' and then 'Squawk?' and then she—”

“Those were the very words?”

“Yes.  And then—”

Grey turned to Grundy.  “And what do those words translate to, in human terms?”

“The first is 'What?' and the second is 'Darn!' “ the golem said.

“Are you sure?”

“Of course I'm sure!  I speak and understand the language of all living things.  That's what I was made for, before I achieved living status.”

“And what is the nature of the second word?”

“Objection!” Ida cried.  “Conclusion!”

Grey turned to the Judge.  “This is in the Translator's line of expertise.  He is qualified to define the word.”

The Judge nodded.  “Overruled.  The Translator may answer the question.”

“It refers to the process of mending torn cloth by means of rows of stitches,” Grundy said.  “The process is tedious, and the result tends to be unsightly, so is usually not appreciated.  A darned item is neither as pristine nor as valuable as the original.  Thus when anything is accused of being darned, or when anyone is told to darn—”

“Get to the point,” the Judge rumbled.

“It is considered an objectionable word,” Grundy said.

“One not suited for the delicate young ears of small children.”

“A word not suited for small children,” Grey repeated with emphasis.  “One which would be a violation of the Adult Conspiracy if uttered in the presence of a very young child.”

“Exactly.  Of course, it's only a mild transgression—”

“Thank you.” Grey turned to the Judge.  “I am done with this Witness.” He stepped away.

“But what's the relevance?” Metria asked.  “There wasn't any child there!”

The Judge's glower swiveled to cover her, but she passed her hand across her mouth, leaving it visibly zipped shut, and he let it pass.  She knew she had better not speak out of turn again.

Ida approached the Witness.  “Was there a translator present when you encountered Roxanne Roc?” she asked.

“No.  I didn't understand her squawks.”

“So you did not realize that she had spoken an unfortunate word.”

“That's right.”

“In fact, until this time you had no notion why you were summoned to be a Witness at this trial.”

“Objection!” Grey said.  “Irrelevant, immaterial, and beside the point.”

“Sustained.”

“What happened then?” Ida asked.

“Objection!  Relevance.”

“It's relevant to my Defense!” Ida snapped, with unusual asperity for her normally sunny nature.  Her moon looked similarly annoyed, though not actually eclipsed.

“But this is a Prosecution Witness.”

“Sustained.”

“Then I'll call her when my turn comes,” Ida said, walking away.

“The Witness may step down,” the Judge said.

Pheira returned to the audience, evidently somewhat bemused.  The scene faded.

Grey smiled grimly.  “Second, the matter of the presence of a child.  The Prosecution calls the Simurgh to the Witness Seat.”

There was a murmur of awe at this, causing the Judge to issue a general-purpose glower that silenced the sound.

THE SIMURGH REQUESTS PERMISSION TO RESPOND IN PLACE, OWING TO THE LIMITED SIZE OF THE STAGE.

Grossclout almost smiled.  “Granted.  The Special Effects Officer will generate a small illusion to be addressed in the Witness Box.”

Sorceress Iris nodded.  A small image of the Simurgh appeared, perched on the back of the Witness Chair.  If anyone thought such a representation humorous, he had the sense to stifle his reaction.

Grundy Golem approached.  “Do you swear to tell the truth, no matter what?”

I DO.  The answer seemed to come from the bird in the Witness Box.

“The Witness is duly sworn,” the Judge said.

Grey Murphy approached.  “What is the nature of your employment?”

“Objection,” Ida said.  “Relevance.”

Grossclout frowned.  “Is there relevance?”

“Yes, Your Honor.  It will be apparent in a moment.”

“Then proceed.  The Witness may answer.”

I AM THE OLDEST AND WISEST CREATURE IN THE UNIVERSE.

I HAVE SEEN THE DESTRUCTION AND RESURRECTION OF THE UNIVERSE THREE TIMES.  I AM AMONG OTHER THINGS THE GUARDIAN OF THE TREE OF SEEDS.

“Do you find this tiring?”

AFTER A FEW MILLENNIA, IT DOES GET DULL.

“Are you considering any way to alleviate that dullness?”

I HOPE IN DUE COURSE TO PASS ALONG SOME OF THESE CHORES TO MY SUCCESSOR, WHO WILL EVENTUALLY BE AS WISE AS I AM.

“And who is your successor?”

MY UNNAMED CHICK.

“Where is this chick?”

IN AN EGG BETWEEN A ROC AND A HARD PLACE, HERE IN THE NAMELESS CASTLE, WHICH WAS ESTABLISHED FOR THIS PURPOSE.

“And where precisely is the egg now?”

UNDER ROXANNE ROC.

There was a murmur in the chamber, despite the Judge's glare.  This was news of enormous import.

“How long will it take your chick to hatch from the egg?”

SIX HUNDRED YEARS.

“When was the egg delivered to you?”

SIX HUNDRED YEARS AGO, IN THE YEAR 495.  

“Then it must be due to hatch this year.”

YES.

“What is the state of the chick?”

THE CHICK IS SENTIENT AND SAPIENT.

“That is, alive and intelligent,” Grey said.  “Can the chick hear words that are spoken in the nesting chamber?”

YES.

“So when Roxanne Roc spoke that forbidden word, the chick heard.”

YES.

Roxanne, listening in the adjacent chamber, jumped.  It was clear this was a revelation to her.  That wasn't surprising, there was a glare-stifled murmur in the audience, and a muted exchange of glances in the Jury Box.

Grey turned away.  “Your Witness.”

Ida approached the image, and her moon inspected it curiously.  “Since you are the wisest creature in the universe, why didn't you anticipate this infraction and prevent it?”

WISDOM DOES NOT EQUATE TO FOREKNOWLEDGE.  PHEIRA'S VISIT TO THE NAMELESS CASTLE WAS ESSENTIALLY A RANDOM ACT THERE WAS NO WAY TO ANTICIPATE.  THE DAMAGE WAS DONE BEFORE I COULD ACT.

“So you did nothing?”

I INITIATED THE SEQUENCE OF EVENTS LEADING TO THIS TRIAL.

“Even though you knew that the Defendant had no awareness of her violation?”

“Objection!  Argumentative, conclusion.”

“The Simurgh knows everything,” Ida said evenly.  “She is qualified to give an opinion.”

“It's still argumentative,” Grey argued.

The Judge pondered briefly.  “Rephrase your question.”

“Do you believe the Defendant was aware of her infraction?”

NO.

“Then “why did you—”

“Objection!  The Witness is not on trial.”

“Sustained.  The Witness does not have to answer.”

I WILL RESPOND NEVERTHELESS.  I REQUIRED THIS TRIAL BECAUSE IGNORANCE IS NO EXCUSE.  A VIOLATION HAS OCCURRED, AND IT MUST BE DEALT WITH.

“Even though—”

“Objection!”

“Sustained.”

Ida shrugged, not looking frustrated.  Metria understood why:  The members of the Jury, both human and monster, understood the nature of the unvoiced objection, and were being swayed by it.  “I am done with this Witness,” she said.

“The Witness may step down.” The small image faded from the chair.

Grey Murphy stood.  “The Prosecution rests,” he announced.

He had called only two Witnesses, but they had been enough:  They had established that the Defendant had uttered a Forbidden Word, and that a minor had heard it.  Roxanne Roc was in deep dung.

The Judge's devastating gaze swept across to Princess Ida.  “Is the Defense ready?”

“Yes, Your Honor.”

“Proceed.”

“The Defense calls the Simurgh to the stand.”

“Objection!  She said she was done with that Witness.”

“I was done for cross-examination.  Now I want her as my Witness.  That's a different matter.”

The Judge rolled one eye expressively, but allowed it “Overruled.”

The image of the Simurgh reappeared on the chair.  Ida addressed it.  “You have stated that your egg was delivered six hundred years ago, and that you arranged to set up the Nameless Castle for its incubation.  When did you assign Roxanne Roc as eggsitter?”

THE YEAR 500.  

“So that was five years after you received the egg?”

YES.

“You had to take care of the egg yourself in the interim?”

“Objection!  Relevance.”

“I am establishing the importance of the Defendant's duty. This relates to her character.”

Grey shook his head.  “Importance and character have no necessary interconnection.  Prosecution will stipulate that the job is important.  So important, in fact, that any default is a most serious—”

“Objection!  The Prosecution's case has already been made.”

Judge Grossclout's dour mouth quirked in a hint of a suggestion of a thought of a faint unfrown.  “The Defense's objection is sustained.  The Prosecution's objection is overruled.

But do not try the limited patience of this Court with too free an interpretation of your mission.”

Ida smiled sweetly at the Judge.  Metria realized that she looked very nice when she did that.  Probably she believed that she was making a marginally favorable impression, and so it was true.  Even her little moon seemed to glow.  That was bound to have more of an impact when she addressed the Jury.  Then she returned to the Witness.  “You took care of—”

YES.

“Was it difficult to eggsit while also guarding the Tree of Seeds on Mount Parnassus and attending to your other duties?”

YES.

“So you decided to get an eggsitter?”

“Objection!  Defense is leading the Witness.”

“This Witness can't be led against her will,” Ida retorted.

“Overruled.”

YES.

“Was the egg important to you?”

There was a ripple of mirth through the audience as the Simurgh answered YES.

“So you did not seek just any creature to do the job.”

TRUE.

“In fact, didn't you seek the most qualified creature available for that most important task?”

YES.

“And that creature was Roxanne Roc.”

YES.

“So by your judgment, which is by definition the most authoritative one available, Roxanne Roc was a highly qualified bird.  In fact, a creature of excellent competence and character.”

YES.

“And did she perform in the manner you required?”

YES.

“For almost six centuries.”

YES.

“And does she remain so qualified today?”

YES.

“So your pursuit of this infraction does not imply that the Defendant is in any way deficient in competence or character.”

AGREED.

“And you still trust her to sit your egg.”

YES.

There was another subdued murmur in the court.  The words and action of the Simurgh herself were the best possible endorsement of Roxanne Roc's character.

“Thank you.” Ida turned to smile at Grey Murphy.  It was a try to dispute THAT expression, but her moon brightened prettily.  Metria worried about its effect on a man who had been too long betrothed without result.  “Your Witness.”

Grey approached the chair.  “But the Defendant did violate the Adult Conspiracy.”

YES.

And there was the crux, Metria realized.  It hardly mattered how great a person Roxanne was; she had done the deed.

And it hardly mattered how fetching Princess Ida became, Grey's talent nullified that magic.

He nodded significantly at the Jury.  “Thank you.  I am done.”

The image faded.  Ida faced the audience.  “I call Gwendolyn Goblin to the stand.”

The pretty little lady Chief of Goblin Mountain stood and came to the stage.  She was duly sworn in.

”Have you encountered the Defendant?” Ida asked her.

“Yes, once.”

“State the circumstances of that encounter.”

“Well, I was rivaling my bratty little brother Gobble Goblin for the Chiefship of our tribe, and he arranged for me to have to fetch what was between the roc and the hard place.”

As she spoke, the Sorceress Iris animated it, so that the scene in Goblin Mountain appeared.  Gwenny Goblin was with her Companion Che Centaur and her friend Jenny Elf, both of whom were now on the Jury.  The three of them struggled to grasp the meaning of the requirement, and realized that they would have to somehow find their way to the Nameless Castle in order to fetch the precious roc's egg.

The scene shifted past the complicated route they took to reach the Nameless Castle.  It was in fast forward, so it looked as if they were feverishly dashing across Xanth and scrambling upward toward the Castle.  They reached the main chamber where Roxanne sat on the nest.  Gwenny used her magic wand to lift the supposedly sleeping bird off the nest, exposing the beautiful crystalline egg.  Then Che touched it.

And Roxanne squawked.  “Stop!” Grundy translated.

“That's the Simurgh's egg!” And on her command the entire castle was suddenly sealed shut, so that the intruders couldn't escape.

There followed a chase, as the big bird sought to catch and confine the three, and they sought to escape.  They managed to get Roxanne into one of Jenny Elf's shared dreams, and had a dialogue with her, and learned how she had run afoul of the Simurgh and lost her power of flight.  She had finally petitioned the Simurgh for release from her grounding, and the Simurgh had assigned her to community service in the Nameless Castle, where she had to remain until she hatched the egg stored there.  She did not know that she had actually been chosen for this important labor; she thought it was a rebuke rather than a privilege, but she did her best regardless, because she was that kind of person.

And there she remained for almost six centuries, guarding and warming the egg.  She was allowed to eat only those intruders who threatened the egg, and since she didn't want to make a mistake, she was very careful.  In this case she had waited until one of the intruders actually touched the egg.

Then she had acted.

Metria remembered.  She had passed that scene at that time, while on game-duty for Professor Grossclout, and seen Jenny and Che in the cage the roc had put them in.  Gwenny Goblin had been fending off the bird with her magic wand, so it was an impasse, but it didn't look good for the intruders.

“So the Defendant defended the egg loyally,” Ida concluded.

“Oh, yes!” Gwenny agreed.  “She was a terror.  But we came to understand that she was just doing her job, and we came to respect her for that.  In the end we reinterpreted our requirement, and took one of Roxanne's old shed claws, because it had fallen into the nest beside the egg, so was also between the roc and the hard place.”

Ida next called Okra Ogress to the Witness Stand.  She testified that she and her friends Mela Merwoman and Ida Human had been sent by the Simurgh to rescue the stranded trio, and had done so, with the help of a Seed of Thyme and some negotiation.  Because Roxanne had been out of circulation for several centuries, she had not learned that Che Centaur was to be protected by all winged monsters, so that he could in due course change the history of Xanth.  Once she learned this, she honored it.

There was another murmur in the audience as the animation showed Ida herself in the scene, along with two of the members of the Jury and three Witnesses.  But an all-purpose glower by the Judge stifled it, as usual.

Okra agreed that Roxanne had acted in an honorable manner, and had certainly protected the egg to the best of her ability.

Mela Merwoman, the next Witness, was wearing her legs instead of her tail.  She took time to settle her comely posterior in the Witness Chair so that the males in the audience could complete their gawking, then endorsed the ogress' testimony.  In the end they had given Roxanne the Seed of Thyme, and the big bird had not used it to destroy them, as she readily could have done.

“So the Defendant proved to be a creature of her word,” Ida concluded.

“Yes.  She's a good person.”

Pheira was the next Witness.  “So you heard the Defendant squawk, but did not at that time know the meaning of her exclamation,” Ida said.  “You were not aware that she said a word that was forbidden in the context she didn't know existed.”

“Objection!”

“I'll rephrase.  It was just a squawk to you.”

“Yes,” Pheira agreed.

“Perhaps an exclamation of surprise or dismay, when she realized that you had arrived there accidentally and that it might be a chore to get you clear of the Nameless Castle.”

“Yes.  That is the way I understood it.”

“And indeed, that is exactly the way she intended it.  She could understand your speech, because most animals take the trouble to learn human speech despite being unable to speak it themselves, in contrast to the ignorant attitude of most humans.  Her frustration was that she was unable to explain to you how to return to your home.”

“Yes.”

“In fact, she might even have made an analogy to a sock that had been torn, that would need tedious and imperfect mending, because the sock doesn't understand the problem.”

“Why, yes,” Pheira agreed, brightening.  “In that sense, it wouldn't be a bad word at—”

“Objection!”

“Sustained.  Jury will disregard that comment.”

The Jury, however, looked as if it wasn't sure it wanted to forget the comment.  Ida was doing a remarkably apt job of swaying the members of the Jury, perhaps because of her talent of belief.  She probably had the Idea that she could save Roxanne, and what she truly believed always came to pass, because she was a Sorceress.

“But she did get you safely home, didn't she?” Ida continued.

“Yes.  She had a chip of reverse wood.  I held it, then exerted my talent to summon the roc again.  It reversed the thrust, and sent me flying right back the way I had come.  It was exactly what I needed.  In fact, it even helped me get rid of Snide.  I'm sorry that I never had the chance to thank her, or to return her chip of wood.”

“So the Defendant, once she understood the situation, treated you with helpful courtesy.”

“Yes.  She was great.  She could have eaten me, but she didn't.”

Metria could see that this made another impression on the Jury.  By rights, Roxanne could have chomped Pheira, for intruding where she didn't belong.  But the bird had acted compassionately rather than viciously.  But still, she had uttered the bad word.

Ida was finished with the Witness, and Grey had no further questions; the damage to his case was already quite enough.

“The Defense calls Roxanne Roc to the Witness Stand.”

Judge Grossclout spoke.  “Are you aware that if the Defendant testifies on her own behalf, she will become fair game for the Prosecution, who may cause her to incriminate herself?”

“Yes, Your Honor.” Ida's moon looked serious.  “But I feel the risk must be taken.”

“Proceed.  The Witness may answer from her present location.”

Ida faced the other chamber.  “Roxanne, please relate what befell you during the Time of No Magic.”

There was yet another muted murmur.  The Time of No Magic had occurred in the year 1043, fifty-two years before, and a number of the participants of this trial had not been on the scene at that time.  To them it was History, and therefore boring.  What relevance could this have to the present case?

But Grey Murphy did not object.  Either he saw some relevance, or he was curious himself.

Roxanne began squawking.  Grundy Golem translated, and the Sorceress Iris animated the scene.  It was of the Nameless Castle on its cloud, floating serenely above the Land of Xanth.  Roxanne herself was snoozing, as she sometimes did during the somewhat tedious centuries, and in .that state she looked as if she were a great stone statue.

Then, abruptly, the magic ceased.  This was because Bink Human, participating in an aspect of the Demon X(A/N)th's reality, had given the Demon leave to depart.  The Demon had done so in half a trice, going somewhere far from Xanth, and taking his magic with him.  For all of Xanth's magic stemmed from the ambience of the Demon, representing that trace that leaked out, much as the heat of an animal's body leaked out to the surroundings.  Some magic remained for a while, in the manner of some heat, slowly diffusing from Xanth's larger concentrations, but it was so scant as to be virtually unnoticed.

Immediately the cloudstuff of which the castle was made began to soften, and the cloud itself lost its buoyancy.  It sank rapidly toward the suddenly bleak land.  Roxanne had no idea of the background cause, but did realize that the cloud and castle would crash and be destroyed if she didn't do something quickly.

She leaped off the nest and ran outside.  She peered down past the fragmenting brink.  There lay Xanth, spread out much as usual, but twice as dreary as usual.  It looked almost as bad as Mundania.  Not far away was Lake Kiss Mee, looking as if it had been kicked instead of kissed.

Maybe she could get the castle to splash down into the lake, instead of wrecking on land.  It would still be one awful collision, but the cushioning effect of the water might enable her to save the egg.  That was all that mattered.

She dug her talons into the loosening cloudscape, stood up straight, and spread her giant wings.  She couldn't fly, because the Simurgh had deprived her of her power of flight for the duration, but her wings still could beat the air and make a strong backdraft.  If she could just push the castle toward the lake…

The castle moved—in the wrong direction.  Of course; she was facing the lake.  She angled her wings, and caused the cloud isle to spin around until she was facing away from the water; Then she pumped as hard as she could.  Already the castle was much lower, because it had continued falling.