Roc And A Hard Place (33 page)

Kim remained seriously shaken, not to mention appalled and disgusted and afraid, but she had the common sense to grab her own soul before it floated away, and draw it back into her.  It was one of the good ones; it had not had time to get degraded.  She was whole again!

The two centaurs grabbed at their own souls similarly.

Then their sadness faded, and they smiled.  “You have saved us!” they told Kim.  “You are a heroine.” They spread their wings and flew joyfully home, no longer bound to the one who had stolen their souls and exploited them.

So Kim went home, feeling better, though she was sorry about losing such a handsome suitor.

Unfortunately, there was a wannabee in the neighborhood.

This bee liked to assume characteristics that didn't belong to it.  This time it assumed the mantle of Public Citizen.  It had seen her prick Dug, and reported her to the Better Business Bureau.  She was arrested and brought to trial.  Since there was no delectable corpse, they charged her with something else, because it wouldn't do to have a false arrest.

The Judge was a machine with a stern monitor screen who looked just like Com-Pewter.  The Prosecutor was a fierce black man resembling Sherlock.

“We shall demonstrate that the Defendant violated the Adult Conspiracy,” the Prosecutor said.

“But she didn't mean to,” the Defense Attorney protested.

She looked like Gloha Goblin-Harpy.

“Who says I did it?” Kim demanded.

“I do,” a winged monster replied.  “I am the Simurgh. With my omniscience I saw that when you rolled in the feathers with that man, you were careless about how your skirt hiked up, and a baby mouse looked out of its hole and saw your panties.  That is a violation.”

“But this is ridiculous!” Kim protested.  “I never even knew the mouse was there.”

SILENCE, the Judge's screen printed.  HOW DO YOU PLEAD?

“This is crazy!” Kim said.  “Here I have just survived having my soul stolen, not to mention losing my boyfriend, and all you care about is—“

IRRELEVANT STATEMENT DELETED, the Judge printed, and it was as if it had never been spoken, for reality was changed.

“I don't care what the Defendant knew or when she knew it,” Sherlock said grimly.  “I am prepared to bring the mouse in to testify to the crime.”

“But the Defendant is a person of good character, from a far land,” Gloha said.  “She had no knowledge of any such violation.”

“Ignorance is no excuse,” Sherlock insisted.

“And she restored lost souls to many folk,” Gloha said.

“I am prepared to bring in two centaurs to testify to that. Surely the good she has done outweighs any inadvertent evil.”

“She did the crime,” Sherlock said.

“She's a good person,” Gloha replied.

The Judge's screen flashed.  THE CASES HAVE BEEN MADE. THE JURY WILL NOW RENDER THE VERDICT.

Suddenly Metria was the cynosure of all eyes.  This was weird, because she wasn't even slightly sure of anything, let alone cyno sure.  “Who, me?” she asked.

YES,YOU.

“This is all just a crazy dream!” Metria exclaimed.  “This whole thing is just a house of cards.  I'm getting out of here.”

And she broke her way out of Jenny's dream.

Only to find herself in the middle of the Jury Room, still being watched by at least a dozen pairs of eyes.  NOW YOU MUST DECIDE, FOR WE CANNOT, AND WE MUST NOT BE A HUNG JURY, Com-Pewter printed, the image of a hangman's noose appearing on his screen, is THE DEFENDANT GUILTY?

“I'll do no such thing!” Metria said.  “I'm not even on this Jury.”

DEMONESS CHANGES HER MIND.

Metria found herself with her mind changed.  “Yes, of course I'll decide,” she agreed.  “Just let me ponder a bit.”

OTHERS RELAX WHILE DEMONESS PONDERS.  Musical notes appeared on Com-Pewter's screen, and Jenny Elf began to hum again.  Soon a new picture formed, with all the members of the Jury at the fancy castle, dancing in the ballroom.  Marrow did the Danse Macabre with a fine rattling of bones, while Gloha and Graeboe did pirouettes in the upper dome.

Stanley Steamer kept the beat by clacking his teeth, and the two gargoyles made stone circles around each other.  The rest formed a fine square dance, drawing Marrow in to make it complete, and then a round dance, followed by a triangle dance.  In this dream Dug was handsome in a formal suit, and Kim lovely in a flowing dress, and the rest looked great too.  They were all having a wonderful time.

But not Metria.  She was stuck with the Verdict.  They couldn't decide, so they wanted her to do it for them, and Com-Pewter had changed her reality so that she couldn't refuse.  She was supposed to decide whether Kim was guilty of showing her panties to a baby mouse, but she knew that this was just a Suppose story.  The real Verdict would be on Roxanne Roc, who had just as innocently erred.

How could a responsible Jury abdicate its responsibility like this, by assigning the decision to a slightly weird demoness?  This was a plain violation of its whatever.

In fact, this was a demons' beauty contest.  The issue would be decided not by those who had the debate, but by an innocent person who hardly knew what was going on.

That person was Metria herself.  “Hoist by my own petard!” she muttered angrily.

'Lift up what?' Mentia inquired, 'Did you say something dirty?’

'I'm caught in my own kind of scheme.  I helped arrange a marriage by setting up a demons' beauty contest, and now the Jury is making me decide their Verdict similarly.’

'I wonder what gave them that notion.’ A light bulb glowed.  The Demoness V(E/N)us!  This was her third effort to mess up the trial!  She had caused the duly appointed Jury to abdicate in favor of an unqualified creature.

Metria understood this now—but still couldn't change it, because of Com-Pewter's stricture.  It might be wrong, but she still had to do it.

Well, there was a way out.  She could just pop back to Judge Grossclout and tell him what had happened.  Com-Pewter wasn't watching her at the moment; she could escape before he overwrote her decision.

But what would happen then?  Grossclout would declare a mistrial—and that would probably represent the victory of the Demoness V(E\N)us, who was trying to disrupt the proceedings.  There had to be a Verdict—or the Demon X(A\N)'h would lose, and all Xanth would pay the price.  So Metria had to do it—even if it resulted in an unfair Verdict.

Bur not alone.  'Mentia!  Woe Betide!  You are in.  this too. You decide.’

'Sure,' soulless Mentia said.  'The law may be crazy, and I'm crazy, and I say she showed her panties and she's guilty.’

'No she isn't!' Woe Betide protested.  'She's a good girl who was led astray by a bad man.  He pushed her, he made her roll in the feathers.  He is the guilty one.’

'But he's not on trial,' Mentia said.  'Maybe they're both guilty.  We have to decide about her, no one else.  And she did it.’

'But there were ex—ext—exten—' Woe Betide stalled, unable to handle such an adult word.

'Extenuating circumstances,' Metria said.

'Yes.  So she's innocent.’ Mentia and Woe Betide were on opposite sides, making another hung jury.  So it was up to Metria after all.  She couldn't let all the others get hung.

The case, as presented to her, was against Kim Mundane, who had been deceived, led astray, deprived of most of her soul, and arrested when she fought back.  Instead of charging her with the crime of killing an evil predator, they had trumped up a ludicrous incidental indictment they thought would be easier to prove.  Because Kim had acted in selfdefense, and helped many others recover their souls, so should be praised rather than condemned.  So she was on trial for something irrelevant, because someone wanted a conviction.  The tactic reeked.

And Roxanne Roc had given almost six centuries of loyal service, doing as well as any creature in Xanth could have.

Yet instead of being requited as she deserved, she was put on trial for a trifling technical violation.  Why?  So as to avoid the need to reward her?  That gross unfairness was surely what had hopelessly divided the Jury, and it divided Metria too.  She wanted to praise Roxanne, not punish her, but the situation had been so crafted that she couldn't.  She had to decide on the basis of the limited technicality.  Oh yes, the Jury had re-created the situation, in the guise of a different story, so that no one could say that an unauthorized person had made the decision about Roxanne.  But in fact, they had dumped the outrage into Metria's lap.  She had to decide.

Why had the Simurgh done this?  Why did Grossclout and the others go along with it?  Where was there any fairness in any of this business?  Metria had only half a soul, yet she could see that this entire thing was a travesty.  The Jury saw that too.  Why couldn't the Simurgh?  She was supposed to be an extremely fair-minded and wise bird.  Was she actually just a mean-spirited creature determined to welsh on a deal?

But the Simurgh was not on trial.  Roxanne Roc was.  Metria had to address the issue before her, not the issue she wished she could tackle.  Maybe the Demoness V(E\N)us figured that the Jury would refuse to address that issue, and would win if that happened.  And if Metria herself refused, what mischief might she be doing to all Xanth?

She struggled, going round and round, but finally she came to an unwilling conclusion.  “It's crazy, it's wrong, it's ludicrous, it's a blot on us all, the law is a mule, but technically Kim is guilty of the charge against her,” she said.

The dance abruptly stopped.  All the living Jurors looked stricken:  But it was clear that they had made a deal, and were honoring it.

SO BE IT.  Com-Pewter printed.  DEMONESS, INFORM JUDGE GROSSCLOUT THAT THE JURY HAS REACHED ITS VERDICT.  YOU WILL SAY NOTHING OF THE MANNER OF IT.  And the Others nodded grimly.  This was their secret—and hers.

Had she just saved Xanth—at the expense of a noble and really innocent bird?  Metria was much afraid that she had.

She popped out.  Grossclout scowled at her.  “The Jury is ready,” she said grimly.  And wished she could sink into some other realm.

The Judge called the court to order.  The various celebrants ceased their efforts and quickly returned to the main chamber.  The audience had swelled in size, because of the arrival of King Dor, Queen Iris, and the rest of the Castle Roogna personnel.  Even the Good Magician Humfrey and the members of his household were here now.  Metria was amazed.

She had delivered Grossclout's general summons, but it was still astonishing to see it honored so completely.  The Good Magician almost never left his gloomy study.

The Jury returned to its Jury Box.  Metria saw that several of the female members were dabbing their faces with handkerchiefs, and several males looked unhappy.  They had not liked their decision any better than Metria had.  Only Com-Pewter looked smug with a smiley-face on his screen.  He must have been the only one to insist on guilty, forcing them all to face the threat of being hung.  And Metria had sided with him.  What a disgrace!

“Have you reached a Verdict?” Judge Grossclout inquired rhetorically, through a glower.

“We have.  Your Honor,” Sherlock said.  He was evidently the foreman.  “We find the defendant, Roxanne Roc, guilty as charged.”

There was a gasp of dismay from the audience.  Princess Ida looked stunned, and her moon turned its bright face away, becoming dark.  In the adjacent chamber Roxanne's beak dipped; if she had hoped for better, it had been in vain.

Yet somewhere distant there was a sinister vibration as a powerful demoness cursed and departed.  Metria thought she knew who that was.  CORRECT, DEMONESS, the Simurgh's thought came.  YOU HAVE SAVED XANTH.  THE DEMONESS V(E\N)us BET WAS THAT ROXANNE WOULD NOT BE CONVICTED.

SHE BELIEVED THAT NO JURY COULD BE FOUND TO DECIDE STRICTLY ON THE BASIS OF THE EVIDENCE.

She had indeed saved Xanth.  But at what price?  Metria's half soul was hurting.

Judge Grossclout nodded.  “Roxanne Roc, you have been found guilty of violation of the Adult Conspiracy to Keep Interesting Things from Children.  Because this may prejudice an extremely important chick, I sentence you to a continuation of your obligation to care for this bird until such time as the Adult Conspiracy no longer applies to it.”

“Objection!” Ida cried.  “That could be centuries!”

The Judge ignored her.  “You will continue to place the welfare of this creature before all others, until it is grown and independent.  No other desire or obligation will take precedence over this mission.” He glared in her direction.  “Do you understand and accept this sentence, Roxanne Roc?”

Slowly her head lifted.  “Squawk.”

“She understands and accepts,” Grundy Golem translated.

“She will do her best.”

“So let it be,” the Judge said, banging his gavel on the desk.  The sound was so sharp and loud that it made the entire castle reverberate.  Then he turned to face the Jury and audience.  “The supreme importance of this mission made it necessary to verify the constancy of the one selected to perform it.  A pretext was established for this purpose.  I have five rhetorical queries and a statement to issue.”

He paused a moment.  It was surely for effect, because the Demon Professor never had any hesitancy about anything.

“Here is the statement:  No other desire or obligation in all Xanth will take precedence over this mission.”

His baleful near eye fixed on the Jury Box.  “You, Che Centaur, will in due course be summoned to tutor this chick in all the things needful for it to know and understand.  It is for this purpose you came into existence:  winged so as to be able to fly with it, a centaur so as to command sufficient intellect for it.  You will for a time share its destiny.  Do you understand and accept this mission?” Che Centaur's mouth had fallen open, as had those of the other Jurors.  They were beginning to realize that the Verdict they had just rendered had more significance than they had thought.  “I—I do,” Che said.  His word was, of course, inviolate, because he was a centaur.  Yet he was dazed; he had just learned the purpose in his life.

The Judge focused on Grundy.  “The chick and roc will on occasion need to communicate with other creatures.  You, Grundy Golem, will provide your service as translator as required.  Do you understand and accept?” For a moment even the big-mouthed golem was flustered.