Rock My Heart (14 page)

“Does Gisela know this?”

“I suppose in her own way she does but our situation is complicated, Kaz. I’ve got two kids by a woman I don’t love and getting rid of Brianna isn’t the easiest thing to do. I want Declan and Caitlin though so she is going to have one fight on her hands that will easily be solved with a little payoff money and a one-way ticket back to Ireland.” Cillian finished gathering his gear and took a break by sitting on the sofa.

Kaz walked over and sat beside him but made sure there was plenty of room between the two of them. “You know Brianna will never go back to Ireland, Cillian. You can set her up in Las Vegas though and at least know she’s on the opposite end of the state…I’d help. Consider it trying to ease the pain for what I did to you regarding Caitlin—”

“You didn’t do anything. You merely fucked my wife while she was pregnant with my daughter but you aren’t the father so calm down.” Cillian pulled a wallet out of his back pocket and took out a picture of his two children.

He was thirty but he’d married young. Declan, a strapping lad with his mother’s gray eyes and his dad’s brown hair, was ten and already was growing out of the boyish look Kaz remembered. Caitlin was a beauty; she had her mother’s natural dark ginger hair with pale ginger-blonde streaks running throughout, ivory complexion and gorgeously bright hazel-green eyes. Her features were a mixture of Brianna’s…and Trey Lennon.

“Holy fuck!” Kaz exclaimed.

“Yeah, she grows to be more like that son of a bitch each day but he is also our half-brother so it’s not so bad. Plus, if Trista and Talia are anything to go by, that family has some great genes. Too bad that only makes her three quarters Irish but she’s my daughter, Kaz, and I won’t give her up for anyone in the world. I am the only person she has ever called Daddy and I intend to keep it that way.” Cillian stood and put the photo away.

“Every time we talk, there is a point to your speeches and I would like to think you’re trying to give me some brotherly advice here.”

“I am.” Cillian sighed and looked away before he sat down again and faced his brother. “I lost Gisela because I was a fucking asshole. I listened to what our tribalistic and racist Da said. She wasn’t good enough because she had a touch of the tar brush and was half-kraut. She would break my heart. She would ruin the bloodline. I also lost her because I made her do something I still regret to this day. I have to raise Caitlin because who the fuck is raising our kid in Ireland? When Raymond and Da conspired to do that together…I think both Gisela and Drake hated Dad. I think him getting Misty pregnant and leaving her was in direct response to what I did to his sister only she didn’t have a caring family to hide behind. Our son is somewhere in Northern Ireland, living a pampered fuckin’ life but he’s fourteen years old and if I passed him on the street, I wouldn’t know him.

“I didn’t ever get over losing Gisela and if you’re foolish enough to let Syd walk away, you won’t get over losing her either. It will be a pain that you will feel so deeply, no amount of booze, drugs and sex ever makes it go away. It’s an ice pick shoved into your heart and every time you breath, you feel the heartache. Don’t let her be the one that got away just because I had to extract a little petty revenge on you for what you did to me seven years ago. She’s special and you’ll know I never treated her like a whore or a slut because she isn’t one.”

Kaz didn’t know what to say. Instead he merely said, “You want me to walk you out? I’m going by Talia’s to see Syd so I don’t mind seeing you off.”

Cillian smiled. “That would be great, little brother.”

“Okay, let me go get changed and then we can say our goodbyes and you can be on your way. That club business you had to handle…were you able to get it done?”

“Yeah. It wasn’t anything dangerous and no one got shot if that’s what you’re asking. Dad wouldn’t have sent me down for a reason like that anyway. It was simple enough.”

“What was it? This club business?”

“I just had to check on Jaden and make sure his head was screwed on correctly. Bad news travels fast and Dizzy was pissed when he heard about Faith and what happened on tour. He wants him to make a decision and stop pussy-footing around. Actually, he wants him to take responsibility for Talia and finally make her his old lady. Cox babies aren’t supposed to be born out of wedlock and the way he is leading both women along is disconcerting for Dad. Who knew he had a heart in that cold, dead chest of his after all?”

Kaz shook his head. “Jaden does exactly what he wants to do and no amount of persuasion in the world is going to force him into a decision before he’s ready. I don’t know what kind of hold Faith has over him but he needs to get rid of her and stop playing this silly little high school games.

“It’s part of the reason why I took that Vegas gig for us. Both Grant and Will agreed so it’s majority rule. Either he can join us or we have to start looking for a new lead guitarist. Hopefully the distance between the two will put this whole situation into perspective for him. He knows Talia can’t leave but they can work things out a lot better if there are just two of them in the relationship as opposed to a third party looking to cause nothing but trouble.”

“Agreed, little brother.”

Kaz walked up the stairs and to his suite where he changed into a pair of black jeans that were slightly baggy and a vintage Nirvana t-shirt. He finished off his ultra-casual look with a pair of black Chuck Taylor’s and ran a comb through his hair just to rid himself of the bed-head look.

As soon as he walked down the stairs, he was surprised to see Sydney home. She talked with Cillian and laughed at something he said before she embraced him.

A surge of jealousy raced through him and made him stomach do miniature flip-flops. It was hard not to imagine the two of them in the throes of an intimate act he had no wish to store in his mental rolodex. In fact, he didn’t want to think about them fucking, period.

When she turned to look at him, her smile was diminutive and her blue-gray eyes were slightly frosty. “Hello, Kasper. How did you sleep?”

“Fine. Let’s just say it was much needed after that long drive from Vegas.” He grabbed the car fob to the SUV. “I have to drop the vehicle off at the Hertz location at LAX. Would you mind following me so I don’t have to take a taxi home?”

“Not at all.” She grabbed her Birkin and followed him outside while he slightly trailed his brother.

It took Cillian no time to load up his Harley CVO Road King before he turned toward his brother and embraced him.

“I’m shocked Dizzy doesn’t make you ride one of the classics you spent all that time restoring for all the old school MC members.”

“New generation, new bike, brother. It’s still a Harley and although I bought it off the show room floor, I
have
customized it. I never get any trouble, not even when I wear my cut and it’s inconspicuous. I just look like some rich, Silicon Valley yuppie with a motorcycle fetish.”

Kaz whistled as he checked out the bike in black onyx. The paint job was perfection and like everything else Cillian owned, it was a beauty to behold.

“I think I want one of these. I miss that…more than anything. The freedom of long drives with nothing but the sound of the wind and the bike…I miss the brotherhood and although I love what I do, sometimes I wish I could go back to being anonymous.”

They embraced quickly and Cillian slapped him on the back with enough force to drive the air from his lungs. “No you don’t. It’s ‘the grass is always greener’ metaphor. You think I wouldn’t trade places with you in a heartbeat? I’d rather have your problems
than
my own. Both you and Jaden need to realize how lucky you are. You got out of the life and that is no small feat. It’s a love/hate relationship with me, man. I just hope I get passed up for the gavel...to be honest, I just don’t want it and I’m not sure I want this kind of life for Declan and Caitlin. They deserve better, know what I mean?”

“Only too well.”

Syd walked over and embraced Cillian again before she whispered in his ear. He only looked at her and smiled before he kissed her forehead. She backed away and stood next to Kaz; he slid an arm around her waist and felt her tense up before she relaxed again.

They both watched in silence as he got on his bike, started it and took off down the circular driveway.

Syd turned away and walked back into the house as Kaz walked to the rental and got in after he disengaged the alarm.

There had to be some way for him to get through to her but even after all the advice Cillian had given him, he was lost, now more than ever.

Chapter Thirteen

The End of Us

I FOLLOWED KAZ to the Hertz Rental office at LAX where he dropped off the SUV he’d rented. I should have gone with him inside but to be honest, after the euphoria of sleeping with Cillian, I had plunged back down to the cold, hard ground without a parachute and my whole world seemed to be falling apart.

Part of me wanted that passion I knew Kaz was capable of showing but I knew he was afraid to show it after hitting me the previous Friday. He couldn’t be scared of his emotions because if he didn’t communicate them with me then how did I know he cared at all?

Why did I suddenly feel like we were square dancing and it was one step forward yet two steps back? Now, I was the one who was cold and aloof. I hated how my feelings had changed because underneath it all, I still loved this man. He was the air that I breathed and I wanted us to be so very happy together. We were expecting a baby but all I could think about was that this pregnancy couldn’t have come at a worse time.

There was too much we had to sort through first and God knows we didn’t need to bring a child into this mess we’d both helped to create.

I blamed myself more than Kaz because he never hid who he was; sure he may have omitted parts about his past but if I were honest with myself, I wouldn’t have wanted to hear it anyway. Part of me wanted to believe in happily-ever-after and love without conflict or angst but that wasn’t real life.

Real life was ugly and painful and I realized I could still love Kaz even when he disappointed and irritated the hell out of me. I still had to love myself too and care about my wellbeing and now, a child’s. Could I walk away even though my heart and mind told me I was being a coward? I knew I should fight and I needed to stay because I didn’t want to end up like my mother and the best part of the situation was I didn’t have to either. If I left, it was because I was too damn stubborn to compromise and that wouldn’t be anyone else’s fault but my own.

Kaz climbed into the Escalade and I didn’t realize I was gripping the steering wheel so tightly, my knuckles had gone white.

“Babe, you okay?” he questioned as he looked at my hands and then his gorgeous aquamarine eyes drifted my way.

“Yes, I am.” I started the SUV and pulled out of the parking lot.

There was complete and utter silence between us until we got on the freeway and I navigated slowly through the parking lot that happened to be the 405.

“So, how was your trip to Vegas? You were so tired this morning, you didn’t get a chance to tell me what happened.”

The radio played low in the background and if I had to hear “Payphone” by Maroon 5 one more time, I would scream. It always reminded me of how terrible I was acting toward Kaz and vice versa.

“Well, the contracts have been signed and starting December of this year, we’ll have a two year gig at the Vogue Hotel & Casino. Three times per week with holiday time included of course,” he explained in an excited voice. “It’s a great opportunity because Chyna Bleu also signed a similar contract. We trade off days of the week. Tuesdays are held open for special performers or when no performers are scheduled but it’s a great deal.”

“The contract must be fabulous if you signed it and everyone thought it would be okay, including Dominic at Introspect Records.”

“Hell, they’re thrilled. Dom’s already spoken with the owner of Vogue Hotel, Rory Krieger. They are thinking about doing an exclusive deal between the casino and the record company.”

I didn’t want to damper his enthusiasm but it had to be said.

“I can’t move to Las Vegas.”

Kaz was quiet for a moment. “What do you mean you
can’t
move to Las Vegas?”

“I don’t want to move to Las Vegas and I think this is a great time for us to maybe take a break. It’s obvious we moved too fast and you’re not ready for all of
this
yet again so soon.” I ran my hands through my hair in frustration. “I think it’s great you were offered this deal in Vegas and I wouldn’t ever want you to turn it down but I want to stay here for now because it’s where all my friends are and I don’t feel like starting over again.”

“You can make new friends, Syd. You’re not starting over and Vegas is only a forty-five minute plane ride from your friends—two who are
actually
making the move there with their spouses.”

“Yes, I know that but I’m very close with Talia and I don’t know what I would do if I couldn’t see her.”

“Is that why you cheated on me with my brother? Was that your way of pushing me away? Furthermore, what are you talking about when you say I’m not
ready
for this? Ready for what exactly? You being my wife? Another child? I’m a bit confused as to why you’ve had this change of heart.”

I didn’t miss the bite in his tone but it didn’t deter me.

“There was never a change of heart, Kaz. You never asked me how I felt and you never discussed this deal with me until after the fact. I was an afterthought, someone you just assumed would accompany you because I am pregnant with your child and your fiancé. Newsflash, sweetheart, you’re the one who changed the dynamics when you callously threw your ring on the bureau and walked away.”

I sighed and tried to slow down the beating of my heart. “Perhaps you’re not ready to share your life with other people or have a family. Two people in a relationship have to communicate and there must be compromise. Why is it in our situation, the only person doing the compromising is me?”

“Because this is my career, Sydney!” Kaz finally exclaimed with anger in his tone though he managed to keep his voice down. “You knew what you were signing up for when you went on tour with me and agreed to marry me. Why are you acting like what I am asking of you is such a hardship? I didn’t force you to get a job—you wanted one—and I have given you everything your heart has desired—even permission to fuck another man even though I was appalled by your behavior.”

He ran his fingers through his hair before he looked my way and I tried to focus straight ahead on traffic. “What exactly do you want from me because I can’t give you anything if I don’t know what it is you’re missing. I know what I did Friday night was beyond the pale—I shouldn’t have hit you and I’m so sorry I did. If I could take it back, I would. But you have to understand where I’m coming from—the stress I’m under is of epic proportions. I’m responsible for you and the band and Jaden, who can’t seem to make up his fucking mind about anything anymore. I am also worried about you…and lately, you have been trying to break away from me as if you want freedom but don’t you understand you already have it?”

I could feel a headache coming on and I was tired of fighting with Kaz. “I’m not going and to be honest, I really don’t feel like I have to justify myself to you.”

“Then there is no you and I, Sydney.”

He’d said it, not me, but the result was just the same.

“I don’t want to do the long distance thing with you. I would have done it for the tour because I know how stressful they can be but I refuse to do it for two years. I want a woman by my side and I need to know that I can depend on you. Right now, you aren’t giving me anything to hold on to…what am I supposed to think? It sounds like you don’t love me but merely were infatuated with me and now that your interest in me has worn off, you’re ready to move on.”

The tears burned my eyes and I tried to concentrate on driving but Kaz had said his piece and all I wanted to do was crawl inside a dark hole and hide because I did love him, couldn’t he see that?

The stubborn bastard couldn’t say it even now.

All I needed him to say was to ask me to go with him to Vegas. If he had just said the magic words then none of us this would be happening. The bastard still wouldn’t ask me and when push came to shove, he accused me of using him and considering him a passing fancy. That couldn’t be further from the truth but what did he care?

It wasn’t reality that mattered to Kaz but his perception of it that counted.

“That’s not true!” I finally exclaimed after a prolonged silence. “Why can’t you just
ask
me to come with you? Is it truly that hard?”

Kaz breathed loudly but it was more out of defeat than anger. “Would you go even if I’d consulted you? I think you’re using this as an excuse to leave me. You’re an adult and I can’t stop you but if you believe I am going to forget about my son then you have another think coming. We will split custody and I won’t be shut out of his life the way Damira has shut me out of Xander’s.”

“You know I would never do that, Kaz.”

“Yes, you would. You were hoping I would just forget about my son the way you
want
me to forget about you. But I’m telling you right now that isn’t going to happen.”

I hated how well he knew me because I was hoping he’d forget about our child. Not because I didn’t think he wouldn’t love our baby but because I knew I would be better off on my own. In the end, I was my mother’s daughter after all.

I don’t know how I managed to get us home in one piece but I did and when I finally stopped the Escalade, I stepped out and ran into the house. I needed to get away from him as fast as possible and that meant just grabbing a bag, stuffing it with a few choice items and leaving the same way I came.

Kaz tried to stop me by grabbing my wrist. “Syd, please, let’s talk about this. If it means that much to you then I will see what I can do about breaking the contract. Please don’t leave like this. We can work it out. We’ve always been able to talk to one another. What’s wrong with you?”

Although my lips moved, no words came out. There were so many issues I could have addressed but I acted like a spoiled bitch, snatched my wrist from his grasp and ran down the stairs.

To hell with the consequences. I didn’t need him and it was obvious all I was to him was a nice piece of arm candy he could order around. I wasn’t that stupid, naïve little girl who’d come on to him at my birthday party. Being around him had made me grow up and become a woman and I knew what I wanted. What I didn’t want was to be treated like some vacuous bimbo who needed him because he had money. I had plenty of my own and would never be dependent on a man.

Love sucked and I’d fallen head over heels for the man who had destroyed my ability to feel it for anyone else.

We weren’t meant to be together and since there was no talking anything over, we were through.

I’d killed it.

There wasn’t going to be any more talk of “Kaz and Syd” because we were over, done, dusted;
finito
,
ferdige
,
fini
, finished, no fucking more.