Rock My World (8 page)

Before the
elevator doors shut, Simon jammed his stubby hand through. His face was
different, the smooth salesman façade gone, revealing an angry Welshman who
looked a brass knuckle away from busting someone’s kneecaps.

“You listen
to me. Listen
good
. You’re
gonna
finish this tour. You’re
gonna
go on stage every night and bust your guts up
there. You’re
gonna
do it
whether you like it or not because if you don’t, the label will drop you. If
you don’t, all the time and effort and money put into this tour to make your
dreams come true will be refunded—out of your pocket. Or should I say,
your wife’s pocket. I’m telling you this for your own good. How do you think
wifey’s
gonna
like it when all this was for
nothin
’ and she’s the
laughing stock for marrying a loser,” Simon said, every muscle in his face
tense. “I’m just telling you how it is,” he finished in a softer tone.

Alex gulped and looked straight ahead at his
warped reflection. “Fine,” he said, feeling like a child caught in a tantrum.

“Look, mate,
I’m just
lookin
’ out for
ya
.
You and me both know you can’t afford that. Jenna wants you to be a success, so
give her that. You owe it to her.” Simon said, the tension in his face gone.
“And you know what else you can’t afford?
Lettin
’
your fans down. And me.
I been
your number one fan for
over fifteen years. You just
gonna
skip out on us
now?” Simon implored, friendly again, betrayed only by the vein still bulging
in his forehead. The elevator dinged. Simon held eye contact until the doors
closed and Alex was finally alone.

Alex could
feel every muscle in his body tense. His fists were clenched and turning white.
He wanted nothing more than to tell the label what they could do with his
contract. The anonymous backer behind the label that Simon refused to name was
a real hard-ass. But Simon was right. This tour was the only way to pay back
the label. And Simon. Simon had believed in his talent when everyone else wrote
him off. He owed a lot to him, even if their relationship had turned
antagonistic lately.

Short of
winning a four million dollar jackpot in Vegas, there was nothing he could do. Most
of all, he needed to prove to Jenna he could support them. And he would prove
that all her sacrifices were worth it. There was no other choice—he had
to finish the tour.
 
Alex swallowed
a mounting sense of dread.

He
remembered the summer between their junior and senior years of high school. Jenna
broke up with him shortly before school got out because he’d refused to get a
fake ID to go out to some new club. The
skeazy
owner
of said club invited her after she modeled for the grand-opening posters. Alex
had barely controlled his rage when he saw the photos, so he didn’t think it
wise to be close enough to hit the guy.

“God, you’re
so boring,” Jenna complained.

“I’m boring
because I don’t want to watch sleazy guys try to get in my girlfriend’s pants?”

“Ugh! Not
that again. Who cares if they want to sleep with me? I don’t want to sleep with
them. And what about all your stupid groupies? Huh? You don’t think that’s a
problem, do you?”

“That’s
different! God, that’s part of my career! Not just to prance around practically
naked.”

They seethed
at each other silently. “Just do what you want, Jenna. I don’t care anymore.”

“Fine! And
we’re done, by the way. So you know. When I’m prancing around with some random
guy, I won’t be cheating on you!” She narrowed her eyes, hands on hips. “Oh,
and modeling is a career too.” She stomped off, leaving him alone in the quad
with a slew of onlookers. Great, he thought, an audience.

***

During sound
check, with the cameras rolling for their behind-the-scenes DVD footage, he
went through all the motions, exchanged pleasantries, shook hands, signed
autographs, and decided on the set list with his band. He watched himself from
somewhere outside his body. He did everything he was supposed to do while his
Real Self floated around the ether, trying to find a way back to his wife. He
was desperate to wake up from this nightmare.

He knew she
had a point. He knew he screwed up. But why did she leave? She had to
understand he never loved
Airika
. Their brief romance
had been prompted by his jealousy, and after Jenna went away that summer, it
lasted longer than it should have. He never loved
Airika
the way he loved Jenna.
Airika
was just … different.
Fun and intense, more sexually daring and comfortable with her body
than Jenna.
She was a vixen, even then. He was a teenage boy with a
broken heart. It wasn’t hard to tempt him. But as soon as he saw Jenna in the
airport, he knew. He would only ever love her. And he’d been faithfully devoted
ever since.

She knew he
wasn’t just with her because he got her pregnant. Surely. If she’d just answer
her damned phone maybe they could discuss it like adults. At first he thought
she just needed time to cool down, but three days went by and she still hadn’t
answered any of his calls, texts or emails. It was beginning to feel a lot like
high school.

He needed to
know she was okay. Felicity was safely out of the line of fire at Shawn and
Anya’s, but other than a cursory call, the three of them were pretty
tight-lipped. The open communication he was used to with Felicity now felt
stifled, awkward.
 
Worse still was
when she gave him very parental sounding advice. “Give it time, Dad. Just give
her some space right now. She needs it”.

Great. Even
Felicity was talking to him like a small child. All he wanted was to make
things right and get his best friend back. He needed Jenna and didn’t think he
could act like everything was okay, knowing she wanted nothing to do with him.
Was there someone else?
 
He tried to
bury the thought, but it resurfaced over and over, plaguing him with visions of
her climaxing with some hot vegan yogi who owned an organic farm and mastered
the ancient practice of Tantric sex.

His
perspective felt distorted, reflected in a fun house mirror where he couldn’t
find his way out without her. He hadn’t told her about his issues with his
label or Simon’s increasing secrecy because he wanted to show her he could take
care of them. She didn’t show any interest in the business, never asked
questions or offered to help out, so he kept it to himself. He wanted to make
her proud. It was humiliating for her to lose all her friends and see herself
as tabloid fodder (“The Trappings of Celebrity: Teen Pregnancy”, “Teen
Pregnancy: Trendy?”) and she deserved better—so much better. She was his
moral compass and support system—the one he counted on to make him feel
like he wasn’t a loser who knocked up his girlfriend and ruined their lives.
That he wasn’t a bad guy. And she’d left him.

Chapter 14

After she’d
hung every frame just so, stocked the fridge, cleaned the kitchen and bathroom,
swept the deck and raked the sand on the beach, Jenna sat. She sank down into
the couch, inert. Her body refused to obey her mind that was screaming at her
to get up and keep moving. For a moment, she felt relief. Then, of their own
volition, tears began to fall, glassing over her blue eyes, pooling on her
cheeks, cascading down to her lap. She felt nothing. Nothing at all, except for
the damp of the tears soaking through her pants to the skin underneath.

The one
thing that propelled her was her sense of duty. She could feel a complete
breakdown coming on and had one last thing to do for Felicity. She called
Alex’s voicemail to tell him where Felicity was so he wouldn’t worry. She may
not be speaking to him, but he was still entitled to know where his daughter
was.

“Jenna?” He
answered.

Crap!
She thought, wishing she checked
his schedule before calling.

“Hi,” she said, unsure where to go from there.

“I’m so glad
you called.”

“I thought
I’d get your voicemail.”

“Oh,” he
said, frowning. “I know you’re mad, and you deserve to be. I just … miss you.
You’re the only one for me. How do I make this right?”

How indeed?
She did believe him, didn’t she? Yes, she knew he was telling the truth.
 
That he didn’t have feelings for
Airika
. That she kissed him. But still … something niggled
at her, making its way just under her skin.

“But you did
sleep with her. And you dated her behind my back,” she said in a
bitchier-than-intended tone.

“That was so
long ago. And I never cheated on you.”

Technically,
what he said was true. It didn’t stop the deceit from hurting, though. She felt
like all her memories of them together were now spoiled, like rotten fruit.

“After
everything we’ve been through. All the sacrifices and hard times—we can’t
throw all that away for something so insignificant. Just when things are
starting to go our way?” he said, voice wavering.

“Your way,”
she corrected, suddenly seeing things crystal clear.
 
“I made sacrifices while you pursued
your career. I was the one sidelined because I gave up my body for our baby. I
supported you when no one else did.”

He was stunned
into silence.

“What have
you ever sacrificed for me?” she asked, genuinely curious.

“I … ” he
started.

“Nothing.
And you know what? It’s my fault. I never asked you for anything.”

“Jenna, I’ve
done nothing but love you. I’ve been honest and faithful to you. I had no idea
you felt you sacrificed so much for me. But you’re right; you should have said
something.
 
I can’t read your mind,”
he said, righteous anger piercing his normally calm demeanor.

She ignored
it. “Well, I’m saying something now. I want you to get out of your record
contract. Ever since you signed it, you’ve been different, distant.”

“What?”

“You heard
me. If you want to make this relationship—and our family—work, then
we need you home with us. We need to know we come first.”

“Jenna, you
know I can’t do that.”

“You could
if you wanted to badly enough. We don’t need the money. But if you won’t, then
we don’t have anything else to talk about.”

“Please
don’t trivialize my career. You know it’s not that simple. I only have a month
left. Are you telling me you won’t wait one month?”

“I’m done
waiting.”

“Fine. I
guess there’s nothing I can do then.”

“I guess
not,” she seethed.

“And I think
I need to hang up before either of us says something we can’t take back.” With
that, he hung up.

The silence
felt heavy around her. Her hands shook with frustration, but she was torn
because a part of her felt … what? Free. Shouldn’t she be sad? Shouldn’t she
curse his name?
 
Bitch to
girlfriends about him? Weren’t there supposed to be pints of ice cream and
chick flick marathons involved in this sort of thing? And then, that anvil
teetering high above flattened her again.

It wasn’t
him, it was
her
.
Yes, Alex was her best friend in the way that he was her partner. They shared a
life together, and a child, a bond like no other. But really, a girl’s true
best friend was always another girl. It was like losing true
North
on a compass. Without her, everything else felt arbitrary.

It could be
the girl she grew up with or the girl she met in college, or even the girl she
met at work. It didn’t matter where she met her—what mattered was that
she had someone to share her inner thoughts with.
Someone to
be trusted with her inner demons.
Someone who could take those demons
and tell her she was “absolutely right” and that whoever wronged her was “just
jealous.” The girl best friend could be trusted with the kind of nitty-gritty
talks she’d never share with her partner because she might hurt his feelings or
he might take something out of context. Those sticky things that would flare up
his insecurities made for easy, over-a-cup-of-coffee conversation with the girl
best friend. That was what made her indispensable.

When teenage
Jenna sunk to the bathroom floor with that wretched plus sign glaring up at
her, telling her that life as she knew it was over, she called
Airika
.
Airika
sat with her,
brought her food and magazines, painted her toenails, and told her it would all
be okay. Jenna would have fallen apart left to her own devices. She probably
would have walked straight over to the women’s clinic and had the abortion
she’d been contemplating if it weren’t for
Airika
.
She’d come bounding into Jenna’s room the day after they found out, thrusting a
teddy bear out in front of her. It wore
a
onesie
that said, “My mommy’s hotter than your mommy.”
Inappropriate, yes, but thoughtful too.
She’d gone on and on
about how cute Jenna and Alex’s baby would be; and Jenna didn’t take that trip
to the clinic. Part of her felt forever indebted to
Airika
.
So how could she reconcile those memories with this new information?