Rocked Forever (7 page)

Matthew jumped to his feet and whirled around. "Owe you what, exactly? You want me to thank you for betraying my trust?"

"I did it to save you. I was scared you could die."

"I know! Don't you see, I know that. Knew it as soon as I left your room that morning. But it still hurt."

"So that was your solution, never speak to me again?"

"I wasn't thinking that far ahead. I just knew I had to get well, get myself together. I figured if we were over, why not let it just be over."

"How could you forget about me so fast? How could you stop caring just like that?"

"I didn't. I never could. I never will."

"Then why get me fired as soon as you get back? Were you trying to punish me?"

"Never. And I swear, it wasn't supposed to be like that. And I…"

Shaking, I jumped in as soon as he paused. "You what?"

"After we kissed, I talked to Becca. Told her everything would be okay."

"I don't believe you."

"Call her. Ask her." He held out a hand and then slowly let it drop. "I read your email. Watched some of the video you sent."

"That was days ago."

"I know. I just opened it." He sighed. "You're right. I am a coward. I couldn't do it before. I didn't think I could bear you looking at me like you are right now. Hating me. Shutting me out."

"You're the one who shut me out."

"I know, and I'm sorry."

"It's too late for sorries."

"I know that, too," he said, voice thick with emotion. "But come on, be honest. You weren't exactly trying hard to get in touch with me while I was away."

"Why would I? You made it clear the last time we talked. You wanted nothing to do with me."

"I was angry. I didn't really mean what I said."

"Could've fooled me." I narrowed my eyes.

He shook his head. "God, you're so sure you're unlovable, it's like you're just waiting for everyone to abandon you."

"Maybe I am. And what was your method to disabuse me of that ludicrous idea? Oh yeah, I remember. You
did
abandon me. You swore to never forgive me and walked away for months. What a silly fool
I
was to take you at your word."

"I'm not saying I handled it well, but can't you see it from my side?"

"I did, and I could have understood. But you didn't get in touch. You could have called me a million times – but you didn't. Whenever you came to your senses you never said a word to me. You can't put this on me, Matthew. I'm not the one who gave up on us. I'm not the one who threw everything we had away. Everything I've never felt before with anyone. I have never felt so safe and vulnerable with anyone, not even my brother. You did that. You changed me and then you just walked away."

He made a movement as if to come towards me and I held up my hand to stop him. I was shaking.

"You're the sensitive one, the nice one. Tell me what to do here. Tell me how to forgive you. Tell me how to stop hearing your words echoing in my head every time I talk to you. Tell me how to not see that look on your face every time I see you." A sob escaped. "Tell me, Matthew. Tell me how and I'll do it. Because the only thing worse than being without you is this. Being so close to you and feeling like this. Feeling the loss of it all again and again. Every cell in my body is crying out for you but I can't make it stop. I can't forget. I don't know how to let it go."

I fell to my knees, weeping.

Matthew came around the bed and stood next to me, but didn't touch me. "Maybe you never can get over this," he said softly.

"Then you should get me fired. Because then there's no point to being in the same place. No point in causing each other so much pain if it never stops."

He knelt down next to me and put a hand on my head, drawing my eyes up to meet his. "There is a point. Because you're right about me. Everything you said is true. I was an asshole. I was terrible, and it was unforgiveable. And the worst part is, it wasn't even about you, really. Not about what you did. I felt so unimportant that I thought everyone would be fine without me. Even you. But the time away was good for me, in the end. I got my head together. And I missed everyone so much. I missed things I usually hate."

Matthew sighed. "That doesn't excuse my behavior, I know. But you're wrong about us being here. Seeing you – even when you despise me – is better than not seeing you. Even if you never forgive me I'll be happy to have spent every second I could with you. Happy I'm back and that you're here. Even if I can't get back the time we lost – the time I wasted – every minute now is better. Every second of my life since I met you, even the terrible ones, every single one is better than all the years before I knew you."

I shook my head. "That's ridiculous."

He laughed. "Yeah, it is. And that's love." He cupped my cheek in one hand, wiping away my tears. "I love you, Ellie. And I always will, even if I'm terrible at it and you never love me back."

"I don't even know what love is," I whispered, closing my eyes, unable to meet his gaze.

"Yes, you do. This is love."

Now I looked at him. "It sucks, then."

"Sometimes." He held my hand tightly in his. "I'm sorry. I will spend the rest of my life apologizing to you if that's what it takes. I couldn't see the truth before. And I was afraid of it. But I'm not afraid now. I can't promise I won't mess up again. I can't promise anything but that I love you. Have loved you for a long time. And will love you forever, no matter what happens." He shrugged. "Sorry I don't have more to offer you. You do deserve more. You deserve everything."

I swallowed past the lump in my throat, looked up, and drowned in his big hazel eyes. "More?" Tears streamed down my face as I surrendered. For the moment, pushed all the pain away. Let go of my fears and just let my heart hear his words, see his face. "There is nothing more. This is everything." It wasn't brave of me to say or weak to admit. It was just the truth. Maybe had been since the first time I saw his sweet smile, heard that first kind word.

Everything I am knew before I could ever admit to myself. Matthew owned my heart and though he'd battered and bruised it, it still beat for him. For us. For the women I've become because of our love. And so, there was no decision to be made, not really. Just a promise, like the one he'd just made. A promise to try and be strong enough to get through the pain. Together.

I blurted out something of this jumbled mess, unsure if it made any sense at all. But as his lips pressed against mine and his arms encircled me, I knew that he understood. He knew what I meant and how I felt, and he always had. And as usual, Matthew was right. Even the worst moments since we met were worth it for this, and I was more alive than I'd ever been before.

"I love you, too," I murmured against his mouth. The words were part admission, part pledge. They changed everything, and changed nothing.

Part of me wanted to sit there on the floor just holding each other forever. But the feeling of Matthew's body against mine again after so long, and the emotional release of finally being completely honest awoke other needs. The scent of his skin triggered a powerful response in me, and I didn't need to fight it anymore.

I turned my face to his and kissed him. Tenderly, almost tentatively at first. But as our bodies shifted together, fitting curves to flat plane, softness to firmness, the kiss deepened. With lips and teeth and tongues we reunited wordlessly. While my heart still ached from the long time apart, my body ignited like he'd never left.

I moaned against Matthew's mouth as I ran my hands over his chest and back. He was different. Harder. Lean muscle had twisted into something stronger and more solid, but still familiar.

As my nails dug lightly into the skin of his lower back, he hissed and I pulled away with a gasp.

"Did I hurt you?"

Matthew smiled. "No."

Concern managed to drown my desire for a moment. "Are you sure?"

"I'm sure."

I looked into his eyes to make sure he was being honest.

He sighed. "I swear, I'm okay. Clean bill of health. Trust me, a team of doctors prodded and poked everything I've got before I could even get on a plane to come back."

"Okay."

He kissed the tip of my nose. "I love how you worry about me, I do. But you can stop now. I'm fine." He lifted his shirt off over his head, displaying what I'd felt with my hands. "See?"

What had once been pale was tanned and chiseled. "Oh, yes," I breathed.

Matthew chuckled from deep in his throat. "Yeah, I did a bit of working out. Even after physical therapy ended. Worked with a real trainer to…" his voice trailed off as my hands slid up his bare chest. "Excuse me, I'm trying to talk to you."

"Uh-huh." I leaned down and kissed his stomach and up over his abs.

"Don't you want to hear the details of my recovery?"

"Later." I raised my head and looked at him. "Unless there are things you need to tell me?"

He smiled and stood up, pulling me along. Wrapping his arms around my waist, he held me tight against him. "Nope. Stronger than ever. Let me show you."

I laughed and tucked my head in the crook of his neck. "How? Want to arm wrestle?"

"Not exactly." He grabbed my hips and lifted me off my feet, tumbling us both back onto the bed.

I yelped and clung to him, breathless. "Impressive."

He rolled us over so he was on top of me, resting between my legs. "Just wait."

Burning for him, I said, "I think we've both waited long enough."

As a sign of agreement, he leaned down and kissed me hard on the mouth before sliding down over my chin, neck and chest. He lifted my top out of the way, exposing my bra and belly. His hair tickled the tender skin between my breasts as he kissed my stomach, sliding his tongue and fingers over the generous swell.

Softly, muffled against my skin, he said, "Just like I remembered. Perfect softness I could get lost in."

I sighed and tangled my fingers in his hair. This was home. Everything I ever wanted.

Matthew's mouth moved up to my breasts, planting soft kisses over the lace of my bra, as his hand slid between my thighs, pressing against my heat that seemed like it should burn through my panties and clothes.

"Off," he said, breath caressing my skin. "All of this has to come off right now."

I nodded and we grappled ridiculously, trying to shed our clothes without losing contact with each other's body. Finally, as my panties were flung through the air to who knows where, we were both completely naked.

Matthew looked down at my body, his hot gaze sweeping over me. Through his eyes I saw my own beauty and it overwhelmed me. I closed my eyes and sank back into the bed as his hands followed the paths his eyes had traced. The calluses on the tips of his fingers from playing guitar were softer now.

"I really missed you," I murmured.

"Me too," he said, sliding farther down my body. He spread my thighs and buried his face between them. "You can't imagine how often I've thought of this. Being with you again. Tasting you again."

I gasped as his tongue swiped across my wet folds, and my back arched.

He held my legs apart firmly, swirling his tongue across my clit, then retreating teasingly while I writhed. The pleasure was agonizing and all I could do was hang on, fisting my hands in the sheets while his talented mouth devoured and delighted me.

Pressure that built and built released in an explosion as the tip of his tongue entered me. I screamed and bucked, but he held on tight, never stopping, never letting me catch my breath.

For a million years he sucked and nibbled and flicked, drawing out my climax until I sobbed and begged him to stop. Every nerve ending in my body was firing at the same time. So much pleasure it was almost pain.

When he released me, I was panting and half-mad. Matthew rose up and buried his face in my neck. His engorged cock rested between my thighs, further heating my enflamed flesh.

Through labored breath, I said, "That was…"

He nipped at my throat. "Only the beginning."

"Promise?"

"Yes."

I took his face in my hands and kissed him, trying to regain my composure.

He returned the kiss and it turned hungry, insistent. I rolled my hips, enjoying how the thick length of him fell heavily against my sensitive skin.

Matthew groaned and ran his hands under my back, grabbing my ass and grinding against me.

"Please tell me you have a condom," I said, running my fingers over his muscular back.

"Lots." He chuckled and reached over me to his bag. After smoothing one over his cock, he sat back on his knees and looked down at me with hooded eyes.

"What are you waiting for?" I asked, impatient and overcome with desire.

"I wasn't sure I'd ever get to be here again. Savoring the moment."

"Savor it while you're inside me, please."

He laughed again. "Since you asked so politely."

My smile turned into a raw shout as he slid quickly inside, filling me.

Matthew's gaze locked on mine as he began to move slowly but relentlessly. My core clenched, holding him inside me. He bent down and took one of my nipples between his teeth, tugging gently as he pressed fully inside me and then moved back only to do it all over again. Each thrust opened me more as my body became accustomed to him again. Lust and love overcame me and I stopped thinking altogether. As he reached between us to rub my clit between strokes I stopped being a person, succumbing to the pleasure, existing only as desire personified.

Matthew took one of my hands in his and entwined our fingers as he fucked me deeper and harder. My heart raced and my eyes glazed over. Digging my nails into his knuckles, I bucked and swore as he thundered into me faster and faster.

My entire body coiled tighter and tighter until I couldn't see or hear or feel anything, and then a tsunami of ecstasy crashed over me and I screamed.

At the same time, Matthew plunged in once more, filling me completely and shouting his own climax. After a long moment he collapsed on top of me, his skin hot and damp. The comfortable weight of him soothed me and I held him tightly, silently.