Rocked Forever (4 page)

"Yeah. Once, early on, Dex went on a little bender, we didn't see him for a couple of days. Called a guy we knew in to play bass. Two shows, I think. It went fine, but we were glad to have that asshole back when he finally rolled in. The other time I remember, it was two years ago. We were actually in the damn venue already, and Rick fell down the stairs. His big dumb ass just went right over. Not drunk, just stupid. Looked hilarious. But he broke his nose, and the hospital made him stay a couple hours for observation. Insurance shit."

"Who filled in that time?"

Joe chuckled under his breath. "This dude from the other band we were touring with. Skinnier than me, this tiny little guy. He looked like a toddler behind Rick's drum kit, but he played all right. That was just one show." He shrugged. "It's part of the job. The show must go on, as they say."

"Of course."

Joe looked down for a long moment before speaking again. "It's funny. Or strange, really. To think of the band as something separate from us. As a thing that could exist without us. I… shit, I'm not even sure what I mean. But it's like, Dream Defiled isn't just ours anymore. It belongs to the fans. To everyone who listens to the music. Even though it's the same four guys who spent all night puking on a tour bus once thanks to a cheap seafood buffet in a town whose name I won't mention. We're the band, and the band is us. But it's bigger than us, too." He chuckled and shook his head. "That doesn't make any sense."

I smiled reassuringly. "It does, in a way. Seems like you've done a lot of reflecting on this lately."

"Yeah, I guess. Losing Ryan and now worrying about Matthew. Getting engaged. I think a lot about a lot of things these days." His expression was hard to nail down. Some combination of sad and hopeful.

I was about to ask another question when my phone beeped. "Damn. Joe, it looks like we're out of time for today. Thanks for doing this."

"My pleasure."

He stood as I shut down the camera and turned off the lights.

"Hey," Joe said. "I think what you're doing is great. Whatever happens, I'm behind you. We all are."

"Thanks. I just hope it turns out okay."

We said goodbye and he left the room. I packed up everything, made a phone call and then went back to my room. I transferred the footage to my computer and scanned through it quickly. Everything looked good, but I realized there was going to be a lot of work to turn this and everything else I had planned into a finished product, and there was only one person I trusted to help me with it. So I shot off an email to Steven, asking him to call me later. I had a message from Becca that there was a crowd of girls holding some kind of vigil outside the hotel, so I called her as I grabbed my stuff and headed down to shoot it for work and my little side project that was growing every minute.

Downstairs I had to push my way through a line of security to get outside. There were at least fifty girls – mostly teenagers, and a few older women. A core of them were standing in a circle holding hands and singing Dream Defiled songs a capella. A few were weeping.

I started recording and moved around them, getting as many angles as possible. Watching a bunch of sad girls belting out rock songs in a parking lot was definitely high on the list of strangest things I'd even seen, and I knew my bosses would love it, and so would
HSTV
site visitors.

Once I had a few minutes of coverage, I went over to a small cluster of girls outside the circle and asked if I could talk to them on camera. They all agreed.

"Thanks. Can you tell me what's happening right now?"

One of the girls, cute with bouncy ginger ringlets and a well-worn Dream Defiled t-shirt, answered me. "We're having a spirit circle."

"And what is that?"

She rolled her eyes like I was the biggest moron who ever lived. "It's to give the power of our spirits to the band so they can be stronger."

"I see." I didn't. "Who planned this event?"

"The managers of the Facebook group." Another eyeroll.

"What group? Do you mean the fan page?"

"Ugh, no." She tossed her head. "The ‘Stronger Together' group."

"Okay," I said.

"It's really important," another girl added. She was tall and had a really cute pixie cut in a variety of colors. "We're dedicated to supporting the band through this difficult time. In any way we can."

I had no idea this kind of thing was going on, and I was intrigued. "Interesting. Can you tell me more about this group?"

"Sure. It's like, like a positive thinking thing. Or good vibes I guess. Sending them out to the guys so they knew we love them. To heal what's broken." She nodded sagely.

Part of me wanted to roll my eyes are the New Agey talk, but there was something in her words that struck me as real, and serious. I thought about what Joe had said, about the band being bigger than its members. These fans were participating in their own way. What it actually meant was unimportant. The intent was remarkable.

"All right," I told the girls. "Tell me more about your goals. What is broken that you want to help fix?"

The girl with the ringlets spoke up again. "The energy. All these bad things are happening because the energy field around the band is wrong. We're helping to make it right again."

"Why?"

She sighed, clearly exasperated with my ignorance. "Because they're the coolest band in the world and they need our help."

"Gotcha."

She frowned and stepped forward, pointing her finger in my face. "You and everyone else just want to take, take, and take from them. Get enjoyment from their music and then just abandon them when things get bad. We're not like that. We're giving back what we can. Anything we can. Tickets when there are shows, merchandise, buying the albums. And now, when they're in need, we give our strength. What are you doing to help them?"

Of course, I couldn't tell her, but the point was well made. My cynical side knew these fervent fans would be great for website traffic, but my heart was warmed by their actions, and part of me wanted to stay and see if there was something to this so-called spirit circle. But I had things to do, things I hoped would help too. Maybe these girls and I had more in common than I thought.

I thanked them and handed out releases for them to sign so I could put the footage on the
HSTV
site. While I waited, I scanned the crowd. It was growing in size and volume. Some were watching the circle. Others seemed to just be hanging out. I spotted a couple of paps and swore under my breath. Once I had all the releases back I ran back to my room to send the footage off, and write some copy for the site, hoping we'd be the first to get the scene online. Because it would matter to my bosses, but also to frame the spirit circle right. Not just as a joke about obsessed fans, but about humans caring for strangers they admire. It was a strange point-of-view for me to take, but it felt important, and I realized that Steven was right. I was more invested, and changed by this tour in ways I hadn't noticed, and still didn't fully understand.

The next six weeks went by in a flash. Once the tour started up again, everything moved so quickly. New city, new hotel room, new fans, new footage. Late nights uploading and communicating with my office. Early mornings working on my side project. Checking in with Steven, who was being amazing. Editing footage and listening to my half-delirious ranting, he kept me focused and laughing.

I was working every waking minute, and dreaming about work as well. And in general, I was having a ball. As long as I didn't stop to think too long. Or let my mind wander enough to remember. Remember the way Matthew's hair smelled when it fell over his eye and I brushed it away. Remember how the rough pads of his fingers felt as they slid gently over my skin.

Working with the band so closely, I really began to think of them as my friends. Even when I accidentally walked in on Rick and Julia having sex on a hotel roof deck, it was just a thing we all laughed about. When Dex and Becca argued, she came to me and we spent hours creating revolting ice cream sundaes from everything available in a hotel gift shop.

In the back of my mind, though, there was always the calendar. Counting down days until Vegas. Every logistics update email. Every schedule outline. I'd find myself sitting, staring at the dates. A flight. Two free nights. Two back-to-back shows. And the reunion of Dream Defiled's official members. Matthew's return.

When we heard he was doing well enough to come back, everyone else was happy. Hell, I was happy. But I was nervous, too. Would he be able to look at me, let alone talk to me? Every time I felt myself obsessing, I went back to work on the project. But soon, that too just lead to more worrying. Would he like it? Think I was a stalker? Would it even come together? Would it mean anything to anyone but me? Had I wasted all this time for nothing? My brain nearly boiled from the tumultuous thinking in my rare free moments.

Three days before Vegas, I called Steven to check in. I had a full day coming, and wanted to make sure everything was on track, and catch him before he got busy with his freelance work.

"Hey, brat. What's up?"

"Stop calling me that," I said, slightly grumpy. My head hurt from lack of sleep.

"Never. What's up?"

"Not much. I've got a meeting with the band in a few minutes but I just wanted to make sure you got the files yesterday."

"Oh, yeah, I got them. Sorry I forgot to write back. I had, uh, a thing last night. Went kinda late."

"Is that code for a date?" I rolled my eyes. My brother went through women so fast I never bothered to even ask about them. By the time I could even get a name out of him, he'd moved on to the next one. He wasn't a womanizer, he was just always looking for something he could never seem to find.

He barked out a laugh and then cleared his throat. "It most definitely was not a date. Just a thing."

I narrowed my eyes. "Why are you being so secretive?"

"I'm not."

"You really are."

Steven groaned. "Sis, calm down. You're delirious."

"Oh my god," I said, actually getting upset now. "You are hiding something. Damn it, I thought we promised – no more secrets. One hundred percent honesty, from now on."

"We did. And I'm not hiding anything." His voice went soft. "El, really, I swear. Nothing is going on, I just went out for drinks."

"Okay." I rubbed my forehead. "Maybe I am delirious. I'm sorry."

"Don't worry about it. You've been a pain in my ass for a long time, I'm used to it."

"Thanks a lot."

"Anytime." He laughed. "Look, get to work, okay? I'll send you some edited footage tonight. I think you're going to like it. The stuff you got, the old concert stuff? It really works."

"Yeah, thanks. I hope this thing comes together."

"It will." He paused. "It already has. No one will be able to watch it without seeing how brilliant we both are."

I grinned. "We'll see."

We said goodbye and hung up.

I went over to the closet and grabbed some clothes. I wasn't going to be on camera today so it didn't really matter what I wore. I pulled on a pair of old jeans that were as soft as my pajama pants and a black t-shirt, gave my hair a quick brush, shoved my feet into cute flats and left the room with time to spare.

The elevator was waiting for me, and I got up to the band's floor a few minutes before the meeting was scheduled to start. The security guard smiled at me and pointed at Becca's door, which was open a crack. I could hear voices inside, so I pushed it open quietly to avoid interrupting. What I saw made me freeze in place.

Becca was on a video conference call, projected via her computer to the large television on the wall. One part of the screen displayed a conference room somewhere, with a few people in suits. The other side was filled with Matthew's face.

He was beautiful. His soft, kind hazel eyes were full of joy as he pushed a lock of sandy hair out of his face, laughing. "Yeah, pretty good. Not that I had much of a choice," he said lightly. His voice was like a dagger to my heart. I'd avoided reading much about him since he left. I had to report on a few things to keep from making my boss suspicious, and I'd convinced myself that I was okay. That I was getting over him. But now, even though a video-link, seeing him again shattered that illusion and I struggled to stay on my feet.

The conference continued for a few minutes, but I didn't understand a word that anyone said. I couldn't look away from his face. His mouth that had kissed mine so tenderly, and then so hungrily. Seeing him smile and laugh and be… Matthew. I was so happy, and so sad at the same time.

His skin was a bit flushed, but in a healthy way. There was so sign of the pained pallor he'd worn when I last saw him. His hair was a bit longer, and lighter, probably from the sun. The room he sat in was bathed in a warm glow from the big window behind him. In that moment I realized I didn't even know where he was. In the Los Angeles area, but was it a hotel, his place, a secret sun-kissed bunker in the hills?

A soft whimper slipped out before I could choke it back, and Becca's head turned. She grinned, looked back at the screen, and then back at me. The pity in her eyes made me furious enough to overcome my shocked paralysis.

"Sorry, I'll come back," I muttered and then backed up. I caught a glimpse of Matthew's face as he cocked his head to the side, probably at hearing my voice. I didn't wait to see the rest of his reaction. I fumbled with the door, left the room and slammed it behind me before running down the hallway to the elevator.

As I reached the elevator, the doors opened on Julia and Rick, laughing. I froze, wishing for the floor to open up and swallow me.

"Did we miss the meeting?" Julia asked.

I shook my head, unable to speak.

She smiled. "Are we meeting here in the hallway?"

I tried to contort my mouth to match her expression, but only managed a pained grimace.

Rick pushed past me, heading towards the room I'd just fled. "I need to piss."

I turned to watch him, and saw Becca rushing toward us. I shrank back, feeling trapped.