Rocked Under (26 page)

His mouth slammed down onto mine and I knew no way out. His lips and tongue opened my mouth savagely; his lips showing no mercy. He had never kissed me this intensely. I was losing myself, my thoughts of
 
refusing — fighting — were flitting away and were centring on him, his hands on my body. He gripped my butt firmly and lifted me. He was carrying me to the couch. His mouth still attached to mine and I couldn't think. I had no time.

He laid me down carefully and stood over me, watching me as his nostrils flared with deep breaths. I knew he was giving me a way out by the hopeless look haunting his eyes.

"Scott, I cant.” I whispered, my eyes never leaving his.

"Why?” his voice was a rough sound.

"I’m scared. I'm so scared." I pleaded with my eyes for him to understand.

His hands went into his pockets. "You're scared of me but you slept with
Adam?
"
 

"It's not like that."

"Like hell it isn't," he roared, the muscles in his neck growing.

He turned his back quickly and I watched in guilt as his hands went into his hair and he fisted. 

"Fuck," he muttered. "Fuck it!" he yelled and punched the wall.
 

I jumped into an upright position on the couch.

He placed his hands against it and rested his forehead on it. His breaths were heaving and guilt crushed me. I didn't want to see him like this, he looked defeated, lost and so sad.
 

I wanted to explain. "Scott–"

“Just fuckin' go.” He turned to face me, "Go, now." He looked strained and my heart went out to him.
 

I had really hurt him this time. I wanted to take it away. Erase that look from his face. I walked forward on shaky legs until I stood by him.

He went stiff and frowned at me before turning his head to the side and away from me.

I reached up one hand to cup his cheek, "Let me explain why," I whispered.

He looked down at me, his brows drawn, his mouth tight. "Take your hand off me and get the fuck out,” he sneered in a thick, strained voice that sounded unlike him.

It was like someone punched me in the gut, a physical pain. I removed my hand and left as soon as I could, my eyes stinging with the first sign of tears.

A loud thud coming from upstairs woke me.

"Noooooo!" It was painful and gut-wrenching and from Scott’s apartment.
 

Like I was on automatic, I jumped out of bed, pulled my pyjamas on quickly and ran up the stairs two at a time. I went straight into his apartment without knocking. I went through to the lounge not knowing what I was going to find. Maybe Scott on the floor in pain for some reason or someone else.
 

Scott was curled up on his knees on the floor sobbing without control, his shoulders quaking with the force of it. “No, it’s not real!”

My heart skipped a beat as fear shot through me, “Scott?” I went to my knees beside him, “What's happened?”

He didn't answer me but just kept moaning
no
over and over. I looked around for clues to what could have happened. I saw a mess; It looked as though he had ransacked the place. I also saw a bottle of empty whiskey on the floor not far from him.

“Scott?” I stroked his hair gently trying to soothe him.

He flinched and looked up at me as though he had only just noticed I was here. His eyes were bloodshot and puffy. His whole face was wet with tears. Anguish was in every line of his face as he stared at me as though he was a lost little boy.

“He’s gone.” His voice cracked out.

Before he could bury his head again I gently cupped his face. “Who’s gone?” my heart was in my throat and sickness swirled within my stomach.

“My dad — he's dead,” Scott closed his eyes tight.

I gasped and my hand closed over my mouth as tears started to sting my eyes. “My god, Scott.” My heart broke for him. I knew how much he loved his dad. He was all he had left. I got down closer to him and put my arms around him tight. He turned and buried his head in my chest while I cradled him like a child. “I’m so sorry.” It sounded lame but what else could I say? There was nothing that anyone could say to make this easier for him — nothing.

“He’s gone. I’ll never see him again. He’s all I have.”
 

I held onto him while he cried his heart out. His hands were holding onto me like I was his lifeline. Eventually, after what seemed like an hour his crying turned quieter. In that hour he had vomited twice in the toilet. I didn't know whether it was because he'd had a lot to drink or because he was so upset; it was probably both.

“Come on, lets get you iletwas nto bed for now. You need to rest, you can’t face anything tomorrow until you rest.”

I helped him up from the bathroom floor, where we had ended up, into his bedroom and took his jeans and shirt off before helping him into bed.
 

“Do you want me to get you anything?”
 

He was very quiet now and staring into space.

He shook his head, “Stay. Don’t leave me.”

I went to him, “I’m here, Scott and I'm not going anywhere until you want me to.” I stroked his face. He was tired and all cried out for now but I knew this was just the beginning of his gr
ief.

I wanted to take his pain away from him. The thought of him having nobody was more than I could handle and I vowed that I would be there for him from now on. I loved him and I wouldn't let him be alone now.
 

I got in bed next to him and he turned towards me. I held his hand while my other hand stroked his hair like my dad used to do to me to lull me off to sleep. He lifted my hand to his lips and kissed it sweetly. Tenderness overtook the sadness in his eyes for a second as he looked at me. I leaned forward and kissed his cheek. He squeezed my hand like he wanted more but grief and booze overtook him, exhausting him and he passed out cold. I watched him for a long time after he fell asleep. His features were creased and I smoothed the lines from his forehead.
 

"I love you." I whispered. There was no more denying it or hiding from it. I needed him in my life and he needed me.

Chapter Twenty-nine

“How is he?” I asked Newton. It was now nearing the end of march and I hadn't seen or heard from Scott since the morning after he had found out that his dad died.

“He’s not in a good way, Em.” The concern in Newton’s eyes was worrying.

“What do you mean?”

“I talked to him last night and he was distant, you know, not really there.” He frowned as if trying to work out in his own head why his friend would be like that with him.

“But did he say he was okay?” 

“Yeah, thats just it, he said he was cool but he sounded pissed at the same time.”

“Did you ask him when he's coming back?” 

“He doesn't know yet, says he needs more time and he's got his dads shit to sort.”

I huffed moodily. “Where is he? Why wont you tell me?”
 

Scott didn't want anyone to know where he was. He didn't want to speak to or see anyone except for Newton.

“He wants to be left alone. Just give him some time.”
r s

The morning after Valentine's Day, I woke up to Scott rifling through his drawers, shoving things into a suitcase. Mumbling to himself and rubbing his eyes.

“How are you?” I had asked, my voice still thick with sleep.

He didn't look at me, he just carried on with what he was doing. “You should go.” His voice was scratchy and he looked pale and withdrawn with puffy, bloodshot eyes.

I wanted to comfort him but I could tell that he was still angry with me and he had far more important things on his mind. Did he remember last night?

“Are you going away?” I hoped not.

“I'm going for a while, yeah.” He still didn't look at me.

I didn't want him to go. And why wouldn't he look at me? “Scott, please look at me.” I asked in a soft voice.

He stopped what he was doing. His hands gripped the cabinet and leaned on it lowering his head and shaking it. “I can't do this now." He took a deep shuddering breath, "I–" He shook his head swallowing the words. "Please go." His scratchy voice was barely-there but I heard it.
 

My heart broke. Tears threatened but I had no right to cry, none at all.

I wanted to put my arms around him, tell him it'll all be okay but I knew that he didn't want me here.

I got up and hesitated, "I'm here if you need anything or if you need to talk." 

He nodded but he didn't turn to look at me.

As I got to the door, I looked back. He watched me leave with a sadness on his face that wouldn't be erased from my mind easily. It was as though he was saying goodbye to me. I couldn't shake the feeling of finality.

"Earth to Emma," Newton was waving a hand in front of my face.

I blinked back to the present, "Sorry, what were you saying?"

Newton shook his head, "It wasn't important,
Dweeb
."

Ash joined us a few moments later with her hair wrapped in a towel after her shower. She and I had had a long talk a few days after Scott left. After I spent days crying over him and the way that he had looked at me the last time I saw him. Ash cornered me in my room with tea and biscuits. She had sat down next to me and opened her arms sympathetically, "Come here, honey."

I didn't know whether it was her gentle voice or her sympathy but I started sobbing on her shoulder like a baby.

"What's going on? Why've you been crying so much? Don't tell me it's nothing, I won't accept that this time." She was firm.

"I love him, Ash. I went and fell in love with him."

"Oh, honey," she hugged me tighter.

"Why does it hahy does ve to be him?" I sniffed, "You know what he's like, Ash, he can't be what I need."

"Does he know?"

"That I love him?"

She nodded.

"No, I don't want him to find out either."

"I won't say anything but," she paused and I looked at her, "I think he feels the same way about you."

I pulled away from her shoulder and looked at her, "Has he said anything?" I wiped my nose on my sleeve.

"No, but Newton has."
 

My eyes widened and before I could say anything she carried on.
 

"Scott hasn't said anything but Newton has. He knows Scott more than anyone and he thinks that Scott has some deep feelings for you. He reckons that Scott watches you all the time and he asks questions about where you are and who you're with. Newton's never seen him like it and I must say that I haven't either." She frowned, "I don't know why I didn't notice earlier but it was obvious really."

To me that didn't mean much, it only meant that he wanted me. "That doesn't mean he loves me. He just wants me so much because he hasn't got me yet. I'm a challenge to him. When did you ask Newton anyway?"

Ash didn't look sure, "Only Last night because I'm worried about you and I remember what you said at Macy's the other night."

I shook my head. "It doesn't matter anyway, it's never going to happen for us."

"Why not? Do you know how many girls want to be in your position?"

"That's just it, Ash," My shoulders slumped. "One day he'll get bored of me and move on. I don't think my heart could take it."

"Yes, it can. You have to take risks if you're ever going to be happy and a relationship is always a risk."

"I know that and you're right – I know you are — but I expected to fall in love with someone totally different from my dad, you know?"

"Emma, it doesn't matter who you're with. Anyone can break your heart."

I knew she was right. "How can I trust him when all he does is sleep around?"

"Perhaps he hasn't found the right lady." She teased now.

A ghost of a smile played at my lips and then it disappeared again, "It doesn't matter now anyway. He doesn't want me anymore." That final look came back to haunt me. It was like an image that had been branded in my mind and I knew that I'd never forget it. In the three days since he'd left, I hadn't had a call or a text from him. It only drove home what I already thought.

"Why do you say that?"

I told her about our last time at Macy's and then what happened after and in the morning when he left.

She stayed silent fayed silor a while considering what I had said, a frown marring her features. "Just give him time. Things will work out in the end."

"You 'kay?" Ash asked me as she sat down next to us at our dining table and picked up the coffee
 
had made for her.

"Yeah, I'm fine." My fake smile came out but it was useless, Ash knew it well lately.

"Have you heard anything?" She asked.

I shook my head. Still no word from him. It had been five weeks now. Did he ever think about me? I thought about him constantly. He was my first and last thought in the day.