Rockstar's Angel (8 page)

Tanya

I'm sitting in my living room facing my girls. I asked them all to come over so I can tell them everything that I've told Maisy.

I've just finished telling them everything Maisy knows, but they haven't said anything yet. They're all just sitting there staring at me. I drop my head, covering my face with my hands. I can't bear to look at them anymore. The guilt is eating me up! They all look so sad. I can't stand their pity. This is why I originally kept quiet about it all.

"Fucking little shit." Jessica finally growls.

"I can't believe he'd do something like that." Sophie is struggling to believe what I've told her, and more guilt eats away at me.

"Yeah, well he did." Maisy answers.

"I can't believe you were there." Kendal sounds sad. Out of everyone, she was the one I was most worried about telling my story to, mainly because I know she will blame herself.

"I'm sorry." I mumble into my hands.

I feel the sofa dip down beside me,  then hear Kendal's firm voice. "You have absolutely nothing to be sorry for." She wraps her arms around me. "I am so angry, Tan." I stiffen. "Not at you darling, I'm pissed at Leo, the fucking bastard. When I see that man I'm gonna have it out with him. How dare he do this to you?"

While Kendal mumbles about how she's going to handle Leo, the other girls join us,  each taking a turn  cuddling me. I try not to let my tears fall.

Jessica holds my head in her hands, looking straight into my eyes. "The only thing to be sorry for is that you didn't tell us sooner. We could have helped you."

I shake my head. "I couldn't."

I remove Jessica's hands from my face so she can't see the few tears that fall. Shit, this is what I didn't want to happen. I can't say anything else because I know I will cry.

Maisy does her best, repeating everything else I told her, and explaining why I felt I couldn't tell them. While she does this, I avoid eye contact with them all.

"I'm so sorry, Tan." Kendal whispers. I look up to see her crying.

"No, this isn't your fault." I try to reassure her, but her tears continue to fall.

"No, it is." She sniffles. "I took everyone's attention when we should have been helping you too."

I look up at her with what I hope is a stern look. "No, I didn't want the attention, and you helped me." She gives me a look that tells me she doesn't believe me. "No, you really did. Everyone was focused on you. It was a blessing in disguise for me. I didn't want anyone's sympathy, so I hid my pain behind yours. It looked like I was suffering for you."

"But you were suffering for yourself. That  was insane!"

Sophie shakes her head. "That's silly Tan."

After talking through it with them some more I think they finally understand where I'm coming from. Well, a little at least. They're still pissed at Leo, and annoyed at me for keeping it from them. I'm just glad it's out there now.

Leo trampled all over my heart without even knowing. I don't know what's worse. Him not knowing that I loved him in the first place and breaking my heart, or him knowing how I felt and doing it anyway!

When I've had enough of their kind words and sympathetic looks, I ask them to talk about something else, because it's bringing me down. They seem shocked that I don't want to trash talk Leo myself. I'm kind of shocked at that too, but I'm truly sick of it all right now. "I just want to forget about it all. Why don't we talk about the usual stuff? I wanna forget about all this shit."

Jessica shrugs her shoulders. "Fine."

"I already had a word with him anyway." Maisy chews on her nails, looking bored rather than having just told me she spoke to Leo about me!

"What!" I shout out. Why hasn't she told me this before?

She rolls her eyes. "I spoke to him after you left the club."

"What did you say?" My voice sounds harder than I thought it would, but I'm a little angry at her and need to know what was said.

"Basically that he's a dick, and he didn't and will never, deserve you." The girls giggle, but I'm not laughing. "Oh, and if he asks, we had a hot foursome with those sexy twins from the club."

My eyes widen and the girls’ laughter becomes louder.

"So, he treated you like that, then was all over you in the club, but still left with another girl?" Jessica asks. All the girls look at her with wide eyes. It's clear they didn't want me to know about Leo leaving the club with another girl.

"He left  with someone?" My voice sounds pathetic and sad. It's obvious the girls feel sorry for me.

Sophie nods. "Yeah, it was in the paper."

Perfect. I'm usually the first to know the latest celeb gossip, but because of my moods lately I haven't felt the need to care about it.

"James spoke to Sam about it this morning. He went back with Leo and Max to their place" Jess tells us. "He said he saw Leo disappear with some pretty little blonde."

The girls snicker about the fact that he only likes blondes because of me, but I don't laugh with them. There's a nauseous feeling in my stomach. It hurts me that Leo left with someone else after dragging me away from Marcus and kissing me. As soon as I'd gone he'd moved on to another girl. Same old Leo. I knew I was right not to give him a second chance. That's why he probably left Kendal and Jax's early, so he could go and see this slut he spent the night with. He hadn't so much as looked at me, or spoken a word to me. I thought for sure that he'd have at least tried to talk to me or look at me, but nothing.

Thankfully the girls listen to me and start talking about other topics. It's not long until the baby talk begins. Sophie doesn't want to know the sex of her baby, and Kendal's just found out that she and Jax are expecting triplets! I join in the happy chatter as best as I can, but Leo is on my mind as I watch Kendal mindlessly stroke her already swollen stomach. Sophie is nearing the end of her pregnancy, giggling at Jessica's face as she lets her feel the baby kick. I watch my friends glow with happiness from the miracle of life thats  growing inside them. I feel a twinge of jealousy. I watch them stroke their bellies with huge smiles, talking about their experiences of pregnancy. My hand unconsciously covers my lower belly, my fingers softly stroking my belly over my shirt. Memories flood back, along with the pain. Without thought, my tears fall and I can't stop them. The girls immediately stop whatever it is they're talking about, looking at me with a mixture of shock and concern. They try to comfort me, they think they know why I'm crying, but they really have no idea. I haven't been completely honest with them. I cry harder,  thinking about what I still need to tell them. I can't keep this to myself anymore. I need to tell them, now is the right time. No more lies.

I sit up straight, looking at each of my closest friends. "I haven't been completely honest with you."

They all look at each other, then back to me. "So tell us now." Maisy encourages.

I take a deep breath to steady my nerves and my sickly, churning stomach. "When I left Leo that day, I didn't just leave with a broken heart. I didn't find out until about a month after."

I take in their shocked faces. Kendal looks a little pale. "Are you saying what I think you're saying?"

More tears fall as I nod. "About a month after, I found out I was pregnant. They'd already left in their tour and I didn't know what to do. I had no way of getting in touch with Leo, and I didn't know how to tell you all."

"Oh my God" Maisy cries, grabbing me in a tight embrace.

They all stay quiet, but I know what they're thinking. There's no baby, so obviously I terminated the pregnancy. That's not true. I look back at them all. "I didn't have an abortion girls. I hadn't thought about my options, I was in too much shock." I start to cry again, they each comfort me in their own way. There’s a hand stroking my back, someone holding my hand, a pat on the knee and another hand running through my hair. "I'd finally decided I was going to keep the baby. I just needed to tell you all, but it wasn't meant to be. The next day I woke up in a pool of blood. I was so scared."

Jessica has tears falling down her cheeks. "Oh Tan, why didn't you tell us?"

I watch the girls wipe away their tears. "I couldn't. I knew you'd be disappointed. I was fine. My mum took me to the hospital. Turns out, I was further along than I thought. I was actually four months gone, and had no idea!"

My sobs become louder. The girls hold me tighter. "My baby was taken away from me, my beautiful baby!"

My tears are uncontrollable as they fall. It feels good to let all of this out. I'd lost my baby after four months carrying it, even if I hadn't known the whole time.

The girls finally calm me down, their tears begin to stop too. They share my pain, and somehow that helps.

Kendal and Sophie go home to their men once they know I'm ok, while Jessica and Maisy decide to stay with me. They order take out, get out the wine and put on a movie. It helps takes my mind off things.  I've had enough for one day, I need to go to bed. The tears and emotions have tired me out, so I head off to bed. Before I fall asleep, I can hear the girls talking about me. They're worried, and understandably shocked. My eyes become too heavy to listen anymore and I fall asleep, my hand on my flat stomach, and dream of what might have been.

Tanya

After a week of the girls caring nature and overprotective ways I decide I've had enough. I tell them to stop, wanting us to get back to normal. I know they were just being my friends and caring for me, but it was grating on my last nerve. Literally every night, at least one of them was at my house or had invited me to theirs. Well I say invited, it was more like demanded I go over. I'd felt smothered and trapped, so told them in the nicest way possible to fuck off and act normal. They took it well. I can now relax knowing that if I even sneeze they won't jump on my ass. Trust me I'm not exaggerating!

Right now I'm sitting with Maisy in my kitchen. She allowed me one day by myself. She's come over today for a catch up.

A catch up, honestly? I don't say anything though, letting her have her way.

"Sooo." She drags out the word, flashing me a smile. "Have you thought about telling Leo?"

I nearly fall off the stool I'm sitting on. Is she for real? "Why would I want to tell him?"

I haven't seen Leo since I told the girls why I hate him and can't forgive him. I know it sounds stupid, but I feel like he left me to deal with all that shit by myself. He didn't know I was pregnant with his child, fuck I didn't even know until after he left! But for some fucked up reason, I have it in my head that he left me on purpose. I was left not only with a broken heart but a broken womb. I'd cried over Leo leaving and the loss of our baby. I could have told my friends and let them help me, but I didn't want their concern. If I'd had to see the pity in their eyes it would have broken me even more. I couldn't have that. Instead, I chose to recover in private. I had to watch Leo make a success of himself, while I dealt with my pain. He'd no idea what he'd lost, but I knew. The longer I left it, the harder it became to tell my friends. So I kept quiet, helping Kendal recover, then being there for her through her pregnancy and motherhood. I'd thought it would hurt seeing Finley when he was born, but it didn't at all. I was overjoyed for my friend.

"It's the right thing to do, Tan. Look at all the shit Kendal and Jax went through."

My eyes nearly pop out of my head. This is completely different. Isn't it?

Why should I tell Leo about a baby that didn't survive? Why should I have to dig up past hurts?

"This is different. I don't have a secret baby." I take a deep breath. Maisy moves a step closer. "I just can't. Ok?"

She nods her head, and I breathe a sigh of relief. The last thing I need right now is the girls forcing me to tell Leo. I really don't see the point. I may be wrong, but I don't want him to know. He'll probably get all emotional over me losing our baby. I can't have that. I had to deal with it alone because he couldn't handle everyone knowing about us. Maybe things would have turned out differently if he had known, or maybe not, it still doesn't change what happened.

We go into the living area and drink our tea. Maisy's got something else on her mind, I can tell. "Spill it Maisy."

She smiles shyly. "What are you doing about the gig?"

"Gig?"

She rolls her eyes. "Yeah, Decoy's gig in London tomorrow night?" She raises her eyebrows. "Fucking hell, how could you not know?" She giggles.

"I did, I guess I just forgot."

She stops laughing, looking me straight in the eye. "You've had shit on your mind. Are you going to go?"

"Are you?"

"Hell, yeah!"

I laugh at the thought of Maisy at a rock concert. She doesn't like the music at all, that's why she never went in their early days. Now she knows the guys a lot better. I guess she just wants to show her support. I'm not so sure about going though. "I dunno, it's going to be awkward."

"Tan, Sophie and Kendal are going, and they're preggers! You have to go. Just stay with me, you'll be fine."

As I finish my drink, I think about it. I guess I can just avoid Leo. Besides, he'll be on stage most of the night. "Fine, I'll go. I can't not go if those fatties are, that would just be embarrassing."

"Exactly!" Maisy laughs.

After discussing what she should wear Maisy leaves, a weird look on her face. She assures me that I'll be fine tomorrow, and should seriously think about talking to Leo. I tell her to back off, then we kiss goodbye.

Maisy's words play in my head after she leaves. They scare me. The thought of Leo’s baby growing inside me warms my heart. Tears burn my eyes, then I realize Kendal and I would have both been in the same situation, raising secret rock star children.  It's both scary and funny.

***

I've just finished eating my dinner when my apartment intercom buzzes. Who could that be?

I walk to the phone beside my front door, lifting it slowly to my ear. "Hello?"

A deep sigh comes from the other end, and my body tightens. I've a weird feeling I know who it is. "Hey."

Shit, it's Leo! How the fuck does he know where I live? Maisy's guilty face flashes in my mind. The traitor!

"What are you doing here?"

"Can we talk?"

I lean my head against the wall. I can't tell him.

"Please Tan, let me talk. You don't have to say anything, just listen."

I suppose I can do that. "Fine." With shaky fingers I press the button to let him into the building. I look down at myself, cursing. Leo is here and I look like a bag of shit! I run into my room and quickly apply some blush to my cheeks and a little mascara. I don't have time to change out of my PJ's because there's a knock on my door.

As I walk to the door to let him in, my heart is beating like crazy in my chest. I get like this every time I see him. He still has this affect on me. I love and hate him for it.

I open the door. Leo's standing there, filling my entire doorway. He's a big man, strongly built and muscular. His thumbs are hooked into his jean pockets as he stands looking at me. I watch as his eyes scan my body, praying to god he doesn't notice my hard nipples.

"Come in." I step away, gesturing for him to enter. He does, as he passes me I'm surrounded by his scent. My god, he smells amazing.

I close the door, turning around to see Leo slowly taking in my apartment. "Nice place."

"Thanks." I follow him into my living area. Leo sits on one of the sofas so I decide to sit on the one opposite him. There's no way I'm sitting right next to him.

Leo smiles at me as I sit. "It's a lot nicer than our old flat back in the day." He chuckles to himself, my body heating up from the memories that old flat brings back.

"Yeah, that place was a shit hole." It really was.

He laughs, nodding his head. The sound of his laugh, and those dimples, are making my stomach do flips.

"How did you know where I live?"

That stops his laughter, his face suddenly becoming serious. "Maisy said we needed to talk. She offered to bring me, but I already knew where you lived."

He looks down at his hands, it's obvious he's feeling a little awkward. My anger at Maisy goes to the back of my mind as I look at Leo. In my fucking living room, "How?"

He rubs his face with his hands in frustration. “I followed Maisy here once."

My eyes widen, then I surprise myself by laughing. Leo looks shocked. I don't blame him. "You followed Maisy to see where I live?" I laugh again, because it really is stupid.

"I had to do what I had to do." He shrugs his shoulders.

I can't help but feel a little let down that he knows where I live and has done nothing about it.

"So, why does Maisy think we need to talk?" He looks right at me, and my breathing halts. I can't tell him. "Okay." He continues. "I know what I need to say."

We stare at each other. I begin to think that it was a bad idea letting him in. I rub my forehead, beginning to feel a little hot and sweaty. I see Leo about to get up. He's frowning at me. "Tan I-"

"No, don't." I hold my hand out and he sits back down. "Stay over there. You said you wanted to say something, so say it." I may sound like a bitch, but I'm feeling really weird right now.

"Alright, but you gotta promise to let me finish. No interrupting."

"Fine, whatever." I just want him to say what he has to, and leave.

"I have no idea why you hate me, Tanya,  I need to know why? It fucking kills me that you look at me the way you do, and shut me out. I don't know what I've done to you. I talked to a few of the girls. They told me to think back to the last time we were together, and I have. I've fucking thought about it ever since I came back here! I thought this was what you wanted, but I come back and you can't stand the sight of me!"

I'm confused by what he's saying. I open my mouth to talk, but Leo carries on.

"I don't know what happened that day Tan, you never answered my calls. Why did you run away?"

I don't know whether to talk or not. He said he didn't want any interruptions, but he just asked me a question. I want to scream at him that I left because he was being a dick. He didn't want anyone to know about us, so I left.

"Why, Tan? Why did you go?"

"Because of what you said."

He looks puzzled. "What did I say?"

Fucking hell, this is embarrassing. Fucking idiot doesn't even remember what he said! "You said you were done! You didn't want anyone to know about us!"

"No, I fucking didn't!"

I scowl over at him. "Yes, you did! We listened to Kendal and Jax then you said this means we're safe now, or something like that anyway. You were glad that Kendal left Jax, because that meant we were over."

His eyes widen. "The fuck? Why would you think that?"

I stand now, pointing at him. "Because you said it!" He sits in silence, looking up at me. "You'd had your way with me like always, and you were worried about your fucking friends finding out about us! You listened to Kendal end it with Jax, and you were relieved. Them breaking up meant that we wouldn't have to see each other again. What a great thing for you Leo. You had enough girls to tend to anyway."

He stands, not taking his eyes from me and walks over, stopping right in front of me. A lone tear falls down my cheek, and he wipes it away. This is too much. What the fuck is he doing here?

I step away, and Leo frowns at me. "I think you should go."

"No, I don't think so. I still have shit to say."

I look up at him through wet eyes. My stomach tightens, my emotions twisting at the things he still doesn't know. He doesn't know that he created a child with me, and he doesn't know that he could have been a father. I hold back my tears, listening as Leo starts to talk again.

"I don't know what the fuck you're talking about, but this is what I do know. You're gonna listen to what I have to say." He takes a deep breath, looking right at me. "I wasn't glad Kendal ripped Jax's heart out. I don't know who the fuck you were listening to, but you weren't hearing me. I don't even know what the fuck I said.  I do know that I wasn't happy never say anything about us. I never wanted to keep us a secret in the first place! That was all on you!" His eyes are wide, and I stay quiet. I'm too shocked to think about what to say right now. "I didn't want you to go. I was a little relieved that maybe, because Kendal had broken it off with Jax, she wouldn't be as pissed at me for sleeping with you. Maybe that's what you misheard? I don't know.  What I do know is that I never wanted any of those other girls. I only wanted you, but you were too ashamed to tell anyone about us. I didn't blame you. You're fucking gorgeous Tan, an angel. You were always my angel, you still are. I'm just a drummer in a band. You could have done so much better than me. I wanted you to be all mine anyway. I used those other girls to make you jealous, I wanted you to get mad at me. I wanted you to tell everyone about us! I wanted you to be mine, and only mine! I wanted to be yours. I didn't want those fucking groupies. It was you. Angel, I still want you."