Rogues & Rascals in Goose Pimple Junction (Goose Pimple Junction Mysteries Book 4) (6 page)

He shook his head in disgust and turned his swivel desk chair so he could look out the window. It was a beautiful June day in Goose Pimple Junction. Flowerpots were brimming with flowers outside each business. Fresh fruit was displayed attractively outside Fern & Moody’s General Store. His office was one block off the town green, but if he sat in his chair just right, he could see most of the shops on the main block of Pearl Street. He whirled back around in his office chair when he heard an email alert on his computer. An evil grin came over his face as he began to read the email. He was annoyed when the phone rang and interrupted his reading. He picked up after one ring. “I tell you what, my woman is driving me crazy,” came the whiny voice on the other end of the line.

“Yeah, I hear ya. Mine too.”

“I’m damned if I do and damned if I don’t. Ya know? If I ask for a divorce, I’ll have to give up a fortune. If I stay, I may go insane,” whiny voice said.

“I know exactly what you mean, believe you me.”

“What are you gonna do?”

“I wish I knew. I wish I knew. But I’ll tell you one thing: make sure you know who to talk to about a divorce, if it comes to that,” penny loafer warned.

“Oh yeah? Is one better than the other?”

“One’s better than the other. But the other is the one you want if you know what I mean.” Penny loafer glanced over his shoulder to see if anyone was nearby. “Look, I’d rather we talk in person. You free later on this afternoon? I’ll stop by and see you.”

“Sure. I’ll be here,” whiny voice said before the line went dead.

Mama always said . . . It’s better to look good than feel good.

“O
h, honey, I am so sorry,” Caledonia’s best friend, Paprika Parker, said as they sat in her kitchen. A heavenly aroma of blueberry coffee cake wafted in the air. Caledonia had just told her friend about her husband trouble.

“You know what my mama always said though.” Paprika sucked on a lemon wedge before plopping it in her glass of tea.

“She said a lot of things. Which one are you talking about, Spice Girl?”

“If it’s got tires or testicles, you’re gonna have trouble.”

Caledonia smiled wearily. She was too melancholy to laugh. “You don’t think he’s having an affair, do you?”

“Oh, now darlin’, don’t you go thinking that way.” Paprika stood to check on her children playing in the yard. Satisfied they were all right, she returned to the table.

“What else am I supposed to think? He doesn’t pay a lick of attention to me. I can’t remember the last time he even touched me beyond the obligatory peck goodbye.” Caledonia swept her long blonde hair behind her back.

“He never has been the romantic type though, has he?”

“Well, no. He was before we got married. He was romantic
and
affectionate. Then we got married, and I guess he figured he’d bought the cow but realized he didn’t like milk.” She slumped back in her chair.

“Oh, you . . .” Paprika gently touched Caledonia’s arm.

“I tell you one thing. I know now what Elvis was talking about.”

“What do you mean?” Paprika’s brow wrinkled.

“I feel so lonesome I could die.” Caledonia’s eyes met her best friend’s, and Paprika could see the hurt in them.

“I think it’s ‘so lonesome I could
cry
,’” Paprika gently corrected.

“Well I could do that too.” Caledonia propped her arm on the table and dropped her chin into her hand.

“Oh, honey,” Paprika soothed.

“The few times we discussed it, if you could call it a discussion, Phil made it clear I was expecting too much. He said I wanted to live in a romance novel. He said I have it all: kids, a big house, I don’t have to work, I can buy most anything I want . . . ” Her voice trailed off.

“But what good is all that if you don’t have love and affection? If you don’t have genuine companionship?” Paprika said quietly. “You need someone to watch your back.”

“You know, I think if I stood naked in front of the TV, Philetus would tell me I was blocking his view. The only time he notices me is when his laundry isn’t done or his toilet isn’t cleaned.”

“Now you
are
bumming, aren’t you, sugar? Tell you what do,” Paprika said in her best Southern diction, “why don’t you bake up some of your famous chocolate chip cookies and Oreo fudge brownies and take some to his office. You could surprise him. He’ll love you to pieces for it.”

“You think?”

“I do. The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach, that’s what my mama always said.” She paused for several seconds and gave Caledonia a mischievous look. “Or through his chest with a shotgun.”

Caledonia laughed. “Did your mama say that?”

“No, I said that.” Paprika smiled sweetly.

“I don’t know.” Caledonia slumped into her chair. “I’m kind of tired of trying anymore. I’m thinking I should have just gone into Louis P. Howe’s law office instead of buying that dress.”

“California, you stop all that negative talk right this minute,” Paprika cried.

“I’d rather be a Carolina than a California.”

“Too bad. California sounds more like Caledonia, and besides, you of all people should know you can’t pick your own nickname.” She stood. “Tell you what. You think Pickle would mind the kids while you and I treated ourselves to a girly lunch?”

Caledonia’s face broke into a smile. “He’s a good boy. He does what his mama tells him to do.”

Paprika and Caledonia walked into the diner, bringing a blast of hot air in with them.

“Is it hot enough for y’all?” one of the old men at the counter said with a smile.

“I’ll tell you what, Clive,” another old man said. “It’s hotter than a spanked baby’s butt.”

“It is that, you old fools,” said Paprika.

Slick called out from the kitchen, “If you think it’s hot out there, you should come slave over a hot stove all day. Then you’ll know hot. It’s hotter than five fat old biddies in an Escort back here.”

“Don’t you worry, Chef,” Caledonia called out good-naturedly, “we won’t order anything . . . ” her voice trailed off, and her eyes widened as she spotted her husband dining with a woman near the back of the diner. It didn’t appear he had seen his wife come in. He and the woman looked to be deep in conversation.

Paprika’s eyes followed Caledonia’s. When she saw the problem, she finished her friend’s sentence for her. “We won’t order anything requiring the griddle today, Slick.”

“You girls are mighty kind,” Slick said, dipping his head to resume his cooking.

“’Scuse me, I see somebody I need to have a word with.” Caledonia straightened her spine and walked toward her husband’s table with a forced smile pasted on her face. Most of the eyes in the diner followed her, both for the view and the show that was bound to unfold in front of them.

“Well, hi, y’all,” Caledonia drawled when she walked to their booth.

Phil looked up, startled out of his conversation. A slight hint of surprise followed by annoyance flashed across his face before his eyes narrowed. “Caledonia. What are you doing here?”

“Well, sugar, I expect the same thing as you. It
is
lunchtime, you know.”

Phil glanced at Dee Dee and said, “Yes, we do know.” He wagged his finger from one plate to the other.

“Hi, BB, hireyew today?”

The other woman sized up Caledonia thoroughly. “It’s Dee Dee. And I’m just fine, Caledonia. But you look a little tired. Are you okay?”

Caledonia swallowed the slight and said, “Yes, darlin’, but you’re so sweet to worry about me, bless your heart.” She wanted to say,
And you look like a little Dutch Boy
, but her mother had taught her never to show anger in public. She must act like a lady.

She shifted her weight to her right leg and propped one hand on a hip. Awkward silence permeated the air. Finally, Caledonia said, “That looks good,” pointing to the cheeseburger and fries on Phil’s plate.

“Where are the children?” he asked, ignoring her comment.

“Pickle’s watching Peanut and Spice Girl’s little ones so us girls could sneak out for a quick lunch.”

Phil grunted. “I tell you what. When I die, I want to come back as a GPJ housewife.”

Dee Dee laughed too loud. “Not me. I’d die of boredom.”

After moments of awkward silence, Phil stated more than asked, “You don’t want to join us, do you?”

Caledonia felt the brush-off but quickly recovered. She flopped her hand in the air. “Oh no, darlin’. I’ll just go join Spice Girl. Y’all have a good lunch.” She flashed a shaky smile.

“We intend to.”

Caledonia stood there, stunned. She realized she’d been dismissed. She looked around and saw all eyes on her, so she adjusted her purse on her shoulder, raised her chin, and returned the smile to her face before going to join her friend.

“What was all that about?” Paprika leaned toward her friend.

Before Caledonia could answer, Willa Jean was at their table. “I’m sure that’s nothing, honey,” she soothed. “They’re in here all the time.” She saw the expression on Caledonia’s face and realized how it sounded. “I mean, it’s a normal everyday occurrence, nothing clandestine or untoward.”

“Every day?” Caledonia said.

“Well, purt near.” Willa Jean swallowed visibly. “But I’m sure there’s nothing going on between the two. I mean, two bodies don’t come to the diner every day if they’re carrying on a romance.” She touched Caledonia’s arm and added, “Which I’m sure they’re not. They work nearby, so it’s natural they’d eat together.”