ROMANCE: Bear Naked Passion (Billionaire Bear Trio Book 2) (61 page)

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Finding Faith

Finding Faith

Chapter 1

I walked along the rain-soaked streets of my home, the city. Tall buildings towered around me as the rain slashed down, splashing around my feet. My hair was matted to my face and I could barely see. The hood of my favorite yellow jacket offered no protection and was continually blown back by the wind, which buffeted me as though it was trying to prevent me from moving forward. Every step was a struggle. I tasted the rain on lips, I heard the swish of cars as they snaked along the road, spearing through the puddles and I was just out of reach of them, not that it mattered anyway since I was soaked to the bone.

I could feel the water seep down inside me, under my clothes, irritating my skin. I may as well not have been wearing shoes since my feet were damp and even when I dug my hands in my pockets I felt the cold moistness. It was everywhere, all around me, all around us for I was not alone as I walked along the sidewalk. There were other people struggling to hold onto some form of dignity, trying in vain to protect themselves from the onslaught of nature but it was futile. We were powerless when it came to the whims of the universe and there would be no salvation for us.

Through the pouring rain I looked at them in disgust. Some had umbrellas, but they were useless because the wind blew the rain underneath the protective surface, and the umbrella was caught by the wind, pulling them back. Much like life. Whenever we took a step forward it always seemed to pull us back, like it was trying to prevent us from actually doing what we wanted. I never used to believe in fate but I started to think that the universe was cruel and malevolent. That our existence here was just some sick joke, and if there was a god then he was sitting in a warm place, looking down and laughing at us, probably with a cigarette in one hand and a beer in the other, for are we nothing but entertainment?

Other people were holding newspapers above their heads. I hated those people. What an utterly pointless endeavor. As though being wet was the worst fate in the world. And then there were the people in cars and buses, laughing at those of us unfortunate enough to be caught in the rain. The relentless rain, which came down in its torrent, tormenting us and casting everything into chaos. But nowadays it always seems to rain wherever I go, and I'm just used to it now.

If truth be told I don't actually hate the rain. I find it kind of soothing. And on that particular night I didn't have to go anywhere. I chose to be out, facing the brute force of nature. Usually when it rained I would curl up on the sofa with a book or a movie and a hot chocolate, snuggle under a blanket and listen to the soft pattering of rain against the house. It was so relaxing, and of course all the best movie moments happen in the rain, and the most romantic, like the upside down kiss in
Spider-Man
. I remember my first kiss in the rain. I thought it would be amazing. I'd been wanting it for a long time and it was one of the few things that I hadn't checked off my list, but it was a rainy night when I met Alex...

He's the reason why I was out in the rain. We'd been having troubles lately, lots of issues, and we finally decided to call it quits. Well, he decided and I had no choice to agree. Is there really any such thing as a mutual break up? I've never had one. Usually, I'm the one who ends it, although I'm not sure whether I prefer being the one who broke up the relationship or the one who was broken. In the first instance you have to tell someone that you just don't want them in your life anymore, which is a cruel thing to do and there's always that look of comprehension that flickers in their eyes.
Did she say what I think she said? Oh... 
and they fight and try to convince you otherwise, reminding you of all the good times you had, but it only pushes you further away.

I wonder if I had done the same thing with Alex. Probably, although it was difficult to remember because the whole thing was such a blur. But then there's the pain of having been dumped. There's nothing quite like it, even when you can feel it's coming. It's like this deep gnawing thing in the pit of your gut that suddenly rushes through every part of your body and you want to run or hide or vomit but you can't do anything because you have to try and keep composed so the other person doesn't think you're a complete lunatic, even though they've already made it perfectly clear that they don't want anything to do with you anymore so why should you care what they think?

And then you can either go into a tailspin or you can just...harden your heart and endure. That's what I try to do. It's easier said than done.  I guess I liked being in the rain because it reminded me that I was alive, that I was a part of the universe, even though life was practically a joke and if I had the choice of going around again I'm not sure I would have taken it.  I walked aimlessly and tried to lose myself in the flashing neon lights of everything vying for my attention but I didn't want to be in the warm with other people for that would only have reminded me of how alone I was.

Chapter 2

As I walked along I couldn't help but think about the first time I and Alex had met. Was this the real reason I had ventured out into the rain? Was my subconscious just trying to torture me? Sometimes it's good to give into the pain. I passed the bar where we first met. I'd been drinking with a friend and she was the worse for wear so I sent her home. Funnily enough that was after a break up as well. I don't need to tell you whether she was the breaker or the broken. I was standing around debating what to do. I'd never drunk in a bar alone before but the night was still young and it seemed a waste to go home, plus I was at a point in my life where I really wanted some new friends. Then a guy walked up to me and started to talk to me about my friend and what was wrong with her. He was tall and had kind eyes, the kind of eyes that you could get lost in easily. I did.

He invited me back in for a drink and we ended up talking for ages. Then they called last orders and we couldn't believe that the night had flown by. I can't even remember what we talked about now. It must have been everything. Then we got outside and it was raining. All the taxis had been taken.  We looked at each other and burst out laughing. Neither of us said anything, we just both stepped out into the rain and let it pour down around us. We carried on walking and talking. It felt like the city was ours and we were the only people alive that night. We walked arm in arm, and there were moments when we wouldn't talk at all, but it was still all right because we knew that we had found something in each other. Something special. 

We stopped at a monument of a war hero, some soldier that was atop a horse, pointing his gun presumably towards the enemy.

“Would you ever go to war?” I asked him.

“For the right cause,” he said.

“And what would that be?”

“My country, my freedom, and the love of a beautiful woman.” As he said this he looked directly at me and our eyes were locked together. He placed his hand against my cheek and wiped the clear drops away. We leaned in and closed our eyes, and I was lifted up on my tiptoes as our lips met as the rain poured down us. We clung to each other as it soaked us through and I felt the drops trickle between our lips. We only stopped to laugh at how much of a cliché we were, and then carried on kissing until we ended up going home (and no I didn't sleep with him that night, I'm not that kind of girl).

So we were together and from the on the rain was always linked to happiness. But now it's back to being synonymous with sadness again. I looked up to the heavens and closed my eyes to feel the rain fall against me, as though it were trying to batter me into submission, but I resolved against it. I stopped and held out my arms.  I knew people were looking at me but I didn't care. They didn't know my story, or me and we were just strangers passing in the night, never to see each other again. I had nowhere to go and nothing to do. I was only out in the rain because it seemed like a better idea than sitting indoors all night with reminders of him everywhere.

He'd ended it because he said that it wasn't working anymore and it didn't feel like I was properly in the relationship, whatever that meant. I thought there was someone else because he’d been increasingly distant and very protective of his phone. When I brought it up he tried to deny it but I could see from the look in his eyes that he was right. I think that's the worst way to break someone's heart. 'Hey, yeah, I'm not really into you anymore and I've chosen this person over you because I just think they're better so thanks for all the time we spent together but I'm upgrading now.'

He even tried to blame it on me, the pig, and told me that I had pushed him into her arms. I don't know what he means by that, although now that I think about it, I suppose a lot of my relationship had ended the same way. They always tell me that I've changed and that I'm not the same woman they started going out with. I never notice though... I just tend to get bored and eventually things get stale and monotonous and I find myself craving something else. I'm not sure what exactly; I just know it's out there somewhere. Maybe I'm too much of a dreamer, or I just want to sabotage myself. There are a million things that it could be and all the thoughts are just swirling around in my head with no direction, like an orchestra without a conductor. I want to shout and scream and tell myself to shut up, but that seems like something a mad person would do.

I continued walking through the rain and brushed my hand against the walls of the buildings that had been there far longer than I had existed and would still be standing long after I departed from the earth. The bricks were rough in texture and felt scratchy against my fingertips. Many things in the world were hard and coarse, made to protect our own skin, which was soft and weak. It's a wonder we've managed to survive this long as a species. There are so many things out there trying to kill us, not least ourselves. Why are we always so cruel to each other?

Chapter 3

When I look back on my relationships I always try to figure out where I've gone wrong so that I can learn from my mistakes and do better in the future but with Alex I really don't know. Things seemed wonderful between us and I didn't think that I was pulling away but apparently I was. We had a good sex life, although I admit that over the last few months things had slowed down somewhat although I wouldn't have put that wholly on me. I think that's something the both of us could have worked on. But now when I look back on it I'm not sure if it was as good as I remember being. Perhaps I was lulled into a false sense of security while I was actually in the relationship, or maybe I was just denying the disaster as it crumbled around us.

I called him earlier today to try and talk with him. It didn't go well. I could tell that he was with her and that's always the worst thing. I was there in my empty apartment trying to figure out what to do with my life while he was already way ahead of me, starting on the next stage. I was already just part of his past and he was making his own future. He told me to just get on with my life and that he wasn't what I wanted. As if he knew me better than I knew myself. Where did he get off? It just put me in a bad mood and I didn't want to be cooped inside so I went outside in the rain but the city seemed too big and I could see myself getting lost in it.

It was a horrible feeling.

I didn't know who I was anymore. I'd been through so much and I don't know about you but when I was younger I always had a plan for myself, and things hadn't worked out like that at all. I felt aimless and my existence was empty. I looked around at the drenched city and I felt so alone. It didn't feel like home to me anymore. Everyone I saw was a stranger, only out for himself or herself. Most of the buildings were closed at the time of night and the only ones that were open were the ones that wanted your money, and I didn't have enough to give to them. So I stayed outside in the pouring rain, feeling like I was going to melt in it. The wind was getting more strength, whipping my face, but I stayed out like a true warrior, feeling like if I could endure it then at least I had accomplished something.

I made a checklist of my boyfriends. I was approaching thirty (which I tried to ignore I mean, age is just an arbitrary indication of how long we've spent on the earth, that's what I told myself anyway) and I've had six people who I would have considered boyfriends. There was Matty. He was my first. We went out in the last year of high school. Didn't last long but at least I had a prom date. We went off to college though and we tried to make it work but we both knew that it wasn't going to. Then there was Craig, he was the first boy that I was properly ga-ga over and we had some amazing times. I mean, we barely left the room but the times were amazing, although it turned out that I wasn't the only one he was seeing and as good as he was I couldn't allow that so we broke up. I was glad of that too because afterwards he said he only screwed me to get a BBW off his checklist. Took a while before I was ready for something else after that because it really shot my confidence. But then Tom came along and he was really sweet. I regret him actually because I was a bitch to him in the end, there was just no fire, no passion, so that fizzled out.

Miguel was next. Oh Miguel, the one that got away. He was only over for a summer and what a summer it was. I often wonder about him and whether things would have worked out between us if he had stayed. Probably not because he could barely speak English, but when you had a tongue like his then who cares? Steven was another serious boyfriend and we were together for a long time until the same thing happened with Tom. I looked at him one day and it sounds harsh but I couldn't remember why I fell for him in the first place. Once you start thinking that there really is no going back. Patrick was the same, and then Alex. Did I just do it to myself? Was I ultimately the one responsible for my own unhappiness? I was the common denominator but it was a difficult thing to admit.

There was one other common denominator though, the city. It felt like it had got its clutches in me and I wasn't allowed to be myself, or discover who I really was. The world was so loud and noisy and fast-paced that I had no idea what I should be doing or who I should be doing it with. There was a lot of pressure on me to be
something
and somewhere along the way I had lost a sense of freedom. As I looked at the dark buildings with the bright lights streaming on top I was reminded of a prison, a bleak existence, and I knew that it was time for me to escape.