Authors: David Mamet
Romance
DAVID MAMET’s
ROMANCE
“Fitfully funny…. Zestful…. Mamet stirs a goulash of ingredients: campy jokes, rococo slurring, sexual innuendo and frivolity over Middle East peace.”
—Time Out New York
“Mamet’s funniest play ever…. How wickedly and well Mamet puts everything together. It’s a dazzler.”
—The Star-Ledger
“Romance
mixes elements of W. S. Gilbert-style satire, Marx Brothersesque anarchy and, above all, Lenny Bruce like shock tactics.”
—The New York Times
“Deliriously funny…. Inspired. … In
Romance
, Mamet is at his most adept.”
—Associated Press
DAVID MAMET
David Mamet was born in Chicago in 1947. He studied at Goddard College in Vermont and at the Neighborhood Playhouse School of Theater in New York. He has taught at Goddard College, the Yale School of Drama, and New York University, and lectures at the Atlantic Theater Company, of which he is a founding member. He is the author of the plays
The Cryptogram, Oleanna, Speed-the-Plow, Glengarry Glen Ross, American Buffalo
, and
Sexual Perversity in Chicago.
He has also written screenplays for such films as
House of Games
and the Oscar-nominated
The Verdict
, as well as
The Spanish Prisoner, The Winslow Boy
, and
Wag the Dog.
His plays have won the Pulitzer Prize and the Obie Award.
ALSO BY
DAVID MAMET
PLAYS
The Voysey Inheritance
(adaptation)
Faustus
Boston Marriage
The Old Neighborhood
The Cryptogram
Oleanna
Speed-the-Plow
Bobby Gould in Hell
The Woods
The Shawl
and
Prairie du Chien
Reunion
and
Dark Pony
and
The Sanctity of Marriage
The Poet and the Rent
Lakeboat
Goldberg Street
Glengarry Glen Ross
The Frog Prince
The Water Engine
and
Mr. Happiness
Edmond
American Buffalo
A Life in the Theater
Sexual Perversity in Chicago
and
The Duck Variations
FICTION
Passover
The Village
The Old Religion
Wilson
NONFICTION
Jafsie and John Henry
True and False
The Cabin
On Directing Film
Some Freaks
Make-Believe Town
Writing in Restaurants
Three Uses of the Knife
South of the Northeast Kingdom
Five Cities of Refuge
(with Rabbi Lawrence Kushner)
SCREENPLAYS
Oleanna
Glengarry Glen Ross
We’re No Angels
Things Change
(with Shel Silverstein)
Hoffa
The Untouchables
The Postman Always Rings Twice
The Verdict
House of Games
Homicide
Wag the Dog
The Edge
The Spanish Prisoner
The Winslow Boy
State and Main
Heist
Spartan
Romance
received its world premiere on March 1, 2005, at the Atlantic Theater Company, New York. Neil Pepe, Artistic Director; Andrew D. Hamingson, Managing Director.
| THE PROSECUTOR | Bob Balaban |
| THE DEFENDANT | Steven Goldstein |
| THE DEFENSE ATTORNEY | Christopher Evan Welch |
| THE JUDGE | Larry Bryggman |
| THE BAILIFF | Steven Hawley |
| BERNARD | Keith Nobbs |
| THE DOCTOR | Jim Frangione |
| Director | Neil Pepe |
| Set Designer | Robert Brill |
| Lighting Designer | James F. Ingalls |
| Costume Designer | Sarah Edwards |
| Sound Designer | Obadiah Eaves |
| Casting Director | Bernard Telsey Casting |
| Fight Director | Rick Sordelet |
| Production Stage Manager | Matthew Silver |
| Production Manager | Kurt Gardner |
| General Manager | Melinda Berk |
A courtroom.
The
JUDGE
is on the bench. The
DEFENDANT
is being interrogated by a
PROSECUTOR.
The
DEFENSE ATTORNEY
sits at the defense bench. A
BAILIFF
stands at the side.
PROSECUTOR:
Who is this …?
(All turn to sound of siren
—
as of motorcade passing in the streets))
PROSECUTOR:
Who is the person in the hotel room?
DEFENDANT:
I have no idea.
PROSECUTOR:
Y
OU
were there. You were seen there.
DEFENDANT:
By whom?
PROSECUTOR:
Just answer the question please.
DEFENDANT:
Then, please may I be addressed with one?
(Pause)
Would you please address me with a question?
(Pause)
“You were seen there” is not a question.
PROSECUTOR:
Just answer the question as you've been directed.
DEFENDANT:
Well, you ask the questions, and I will attempt to answer them.
DEFENSE ATTORNEY:
Your Honor, my client is endeavoring …
PROSECUTOR:
Excuse me?
DEFENSE ATTORNEY:
…to respond to the questions.
PROSECUTOR:
Oh,
please …
DEFENSE ATTORNEY:
“Oh, please?” Your Honor? I must object. This scurrilous, this sad …
PROSECUTOR:
May we be spared the …
DEFENSE ATTORNEY:
This sense of “weariness,” this false, adopted, what is it? A “charade” ? A “vaudeville” …?
PROSECUTOR:
Your Honor, I object, I most strenuously object.
JUDGE:
One moment. May we not have Peace?
(Pause)
Is that such a strange word? You will forgive me if I pontificate a moment. Will you? If I speak of Peace. Is that not the theme of the week?
PROSECUTOR:
It is the theme of the weak. The theme of the strong, Your Honor, if I may, is truth.
JUDGE:
Yes. Thank you. The theme of
this
week. This week's theme. Is it not peace? If not, why are they gathered here? Why are they all come here, if not for peace?
PROSECUTOR:
It is a signal Honor, may it please the court. To welcome them.
(Sound of sirens. All listen.)
JUDGE:
And there they go. And there they go. The great men. On their way to the Peace Conference …
(General murmur)
JUDGE:
Mark your calendars, people. It's a Red Letter Day. Indeed it is.
DEFENSE ATTORNEY:
Indeed it is.
JUDGE:
It Honors our fair city, and it Honors us. To see those who have come so far.
(He sneezes.)
BAILIFF:
Gesundheit.
JUDGE:
Thank you. And. On our way to work today. The faces. Lining the streets. Perhaps you saw them? This man or that woman. Enemies, perhaps, certainly no more than strangers. Reaching out. Because of our Visitors. Yes. Yes. We have strife. But, but, their presence here …
(Almost sneezes, but holds it)
I'm sorry, did I take my pill?
BAILIFF:
Y
OU
did, Your Honor.
JUDGE:
Thank you. Instructs us, that perhaps, the aim of strife is not Victory. No, but simple peace.
ALL:
Mmmm.
JUDGE:
(Pause)
I'm sorry to've taken your time. Continue.
(Pause)
PROSECUTOR:
Thank you, Your Honor … did you contact … ?
DEFENDANT:
N
O.
PROSECUTOR:
I must ask you to … refrain from interrupting.
DEFENDANT:
Might I have a glass of water?
JUDGE:
Get him a glass of water.
DEFENDANT:
Thank you, Your Honor.
(The
BAILIFF
brings the
DEFENDANT
a glass of water)
PROSECUTOR:
Let me begin again. Did you physically contact a person in Room …
JUDGE:
… and could someone get my pill, please … ?
BAILIFF:
Your Honor, you've taken your pill.
JUDGE:
I took my pill?
BAILIFF:
Your Honor, yes.
PROSECUTOR:
D
O
you require me to repeat the definition of “contact” ?
DEFENDANT:
I do not.
PROSECUTOR:
I will ask you once again. Do you require me to repeat the definition?
JUDGE:
I took my pill, then why do I have to sneeze?
(The
BAILIFF
brings a vial of pills. The
JUDGE
sneezes)
BAILIFF:
Gesundheit, Your Honor.
DEFENSE ATTORNEY:
Gesundheit.
JUDGE:
Thank you.
PROSECUTOR:
Your Honor, I do not wish to descend to the “picayune,” but as my colleague has wished you Gesundheit, I feel that I must wish you Gesundheit.
JUDGE:
Thank you.
PROSECUTOR:
In fairness to the State.
JUDGE:
Thank you.
PROSECUTOR:
Gesundheit.
JUDGE:
Thank you.
(Pause)
Where were we?
PROSECUTOR:
(TO
the
DEFENDANT)
D
O
you require me to repeat the definition of…
JUDGE:
Because, I don't know about you people, but I'm moved. Yes. Yes. One becomes callous. But yes, again, we may learn. When we see Two Warring Peoples, Arabs and Jews, an Ancient Enmity. Opposed since Bible times, I'm sorry. I'm moved. Did anyone see the parade?
DEFENDANT:
I did, Your Honor.
PROSECUTOR:
I did, Your Honor, too.
JUDGE:
I was moved, I'm sorry.
(Sneezes)
ALL:
(Pause)
Gesundheit.
