Romance (5 page)

DEFENSE ATTORNEY:
What?

DEFENDANT:
I KNOW HOW TO BRING PEACE TO THE MIDDLE EAST!!

SCENE THREE

The
PROSECUTOR
is giving a speech to what appears to he an empty room.

PROSECUTOR:
In every time, this one or that, has introduced a New Thing. Never Before Seen Upon The Earth. And called it Bohemia. Radicalism. Freedom, this doctrine, of license, this notion that we are above the law. Based upon what? This brave announcement? The individual's sentiment of being Chosen. Laws, my friend, and laws, my neighbors, however, came into being as we learned, at long, hard cost, and both to our chagrin and to our education, that we cannot
trust
our senses.
{Pause)
See us, then calling crime “freedom.” And by any other name than that set down in Law. But the Law will find you. That which first was a reminder comes again as a
demand—a correction. For I, for you, no less than that man tempted, fallen, and now brought before you answers to the Law. And you who judge him must be still, and ask of yourselves honest and hard dedication. To that ideal, which
alone
can guide us— and it is a tree of life. To those who hold fast to it.
{Pause)
What do you think?
{Pause)
Tell me truly.
{Pause)
Go on.
{Pause)

(BERNARD
,
a young fellow, clad, perhaps, but in a leopard-skin posing strap, rises from the couch, where he has been hidden.)

B
ERNARD:
I don't know.

PROSECUTOR:
… Oh God.

B
ERNARD:
I just. I don't know.

PROSECUTOR:
Oh God.

BERNARD
:
I …

PROSECUTOR:
Spare me.
Spare
—

BERNARD
:
I …

PROSECUTOR:
Please. Please.
Spare
me your pity.

B
ERNARD:
It may will you wait a second … it may be, it's
possible
that…

PROSECUTOR:
… please …

B
ERNARD:
… will you let me finish? It's
possible
that it's just a bit too strong.

PROSECUTOR:
What in the
world
can that mean?
(Pause)

BERNARD
:
I …

PROSECUTOR:
What can you mean to tell me, that it is “TOO STRONG”?

B
ERNARD:
For
me.
Too strong for
me.

PROSECUTOR:
T
OO
strong for
you.

BERNARD
:
At
UilS point.

PROSECUTOR:
… how can it be Too Strong?

BERNARD
:
I …

PROSECUTOR:
Could I, do you think, would you just, for God's sake, say that you don't
like
it?

B
ERNARD:
No, that's not the case.

PROSECUTOR:
It
is
the case.
(Pause)

BERNARD
:
I …

PROSECUTOR:
(Simultaneous with above)
Do you have any notion how
humiliating
this is … ?
(Pause)

BERNARD
:
I …

PROSECUTOR:
(Simultaneous with above)
… to indulge in this
hypocrisy.

B
ERNARD:
I…
(Pause)

PROSECUTOR:
Well, fine, fine. What would you change?

BERNARD
:
I …

PROSECUTOR:
What? B
ERNARD:
I
do
like it.
PROSECUTOR:
That was not my question.

BERNARD
:
I …

PROSECUTOR:
Would you, would you please, for the love of God? Please.
(Pause)
Would you
please? (Pause)
For God's sake?
(Pause)
You follow me … ?

BERNARD
:
I …

PROSECUTOR:
Would you just leave me alone for a while?
(Pause)
Do you think?

B
ERNARD:
I'm sorry if I hurt you.

PROSECUTOR:
I'm sure that you are.
(Pause)
I know that you are.

BERNARD
:
I …

PROSECUTOR:
… seriously.
(Pause)

B
ERNARD:
Thank you.
(Pause)

PROSECUTOR:
If I could just be
alone
for a while,
(BERNARD
starts to speak.)
Yes. No. I know.
(Pause) Thank
you.
(Pause)
Thank you. I mean that seriously. I just want to be alone.

B
ERNARD:
I don't want you to be angry with me.

PROSECUTOR:
I'm not angry with you.

B
ERNARD:
I'm so sorry.

PROSECUTOR:
I'm not angry.

BERNARD
:
I …

PROSECUTOR:
It's all right. I'm, I'm, I'm a little up … B
ERNARD:
No. Truly I… I humbly beg your …

PROSECUTOR:
WOULD YOU GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE AND LEAVE ME ALONE? HAVE YOU ANY IDEA HOW HUMILIATING THIS IS …

BERNARD
:
I …

PROSECUTOR:
Bullshit.
Bullshit.

(A smoke alarm sounds from offstage. Pause.)

BERNARD
:
I …

PROSECUTOR:
Bullshit.
It's about
you.
It's all about
you.
How
contrite
you are. How little you demand, how…

{Alarm beeps twice.)

BERNARD
:
… yOU …

PROSECUTOR:
NO.
DON'T
say that.

B
ERNARD:
… you don't…

PROSECUTOR:
Yes. I do. This is, no. This is
not
“one of those things.” And I won't have it. Do you hear? What? Have I “hurt your
feelings”}

B
ERNARD:
… I…
(Alarm sounds again.)

PROSECUTOR:
I'm losing you. I'm losing you. I know it. Don't lie to me. Please please please, just tell me the
truth. For once, as if I were man enough to hear it.

(Alarm)

B
ERNARD:
You are man enough to hear it.

PROSECUTOR:
I am?

B
ERNARD:
Yes.
(Alarm)

PROSECUTOR:
T
O
hear it.

B
ERNARD:
Yes.

(Alarm beeps continuously. Smoke billows in.)

PROSECUTOR:
(Spoken over alarm)
To hear what?
(Pause)
What are we talking about? Oh, my God, now I am lost. What are we talking about? My whole world is a mass of pain. The ground is shifting under my feet, and I know, for the first time, I know what they mean. When they say, uh … uh …
(Pause)
Uh … what the fuck is that?

(Phone rings as
PROSECUTOR
storms off.
B
ERNARD
answers the phone)}

B
ERNARD:
(On phone)
Hello? He's in the kitchen.
(Pause)
Because the roast is burning is why. Because I forgot to turn it down.
(Pause)
Because I'm a dunce, all right?
(Pause)
Well, I was born that way. I suppose it's genetic.
(Pause)
A lot of people say that.
(Beeping

ends
,
PROSECUTOR
reenters holding the offending smoke detector))
There's a phone call for you.

PROSECUTOR:
Fuck you.

B
ERNARD:
Fuck you, too.

PROSECUTOR:
And fuck you,
too.

B
ERNARD:
And
fuck you.

PROSECUTOR:
(TO
PHONE)
Hello. No. It's a fine time. It's swell. What do you want? I can't talk to you. Tell it to me tomorrow. Well, what is it you're going to
tell
me tomorrow?
(Pause)
To Suspend the prosecution? Why?

B
ERNARD:
The roast is burnt.

PROSECUTOR:
Fuck you.
(Pause. To phone)
TO DROP THE CHARGES? YOUR GUY IS AS GUILTY AS THE LORD KNOWS HOW TO MAKE HIM.
(Pause)
I don't
want
to give him a cont… I don't
want
to give him a continuance. Why should I give him a continuance?
(Pause)
TO TAKE PART IN THE PEACE PROCESS?

B
ERNARD:
Tell him to go with God.

PROSECUTOR:
Fuck you.

B
ERNARD:
Fuck you, too.

PROSECUTOR:
And fuck you,
too.
You little two-bit piece of fucking INTELLECTUAL FLUFF.

B
ERNARD:
Oh, oh, oh, did you marry me for my
mind}

PROSECUTOR:
Fuck you.

B
ERNARD:
So that we could discuss
Proust}
Was that what had you GLUED TO THE SMALL LEATHER-GOODS COUNTER AT SAKS, DAY AFTER DAY???

PROSECUTOR:
Fuck you.

BERNARD:
MoOfliflg …}

PROSECUTOR:
(Tophone)
He's going to bring peace
how
… ?

B
ERNARD:
I'm like, “hey, buy a
wallet…
”

PROSECUTOR:
Fuck you.

B
ERNARD:
You cheap
fuck.
Where do you buy your clothes?
The garbage?
“Oh, I love you, Bunny.”

PROSECUTOR:
Fuck you.

B
ERNARD:
“Please, please, I know I'm fat. I know I have the taste of a Midwestern fucking pet-shop owner … I know I'm unworthy of you …”

PROSECUTOR:
… go on.

B
ERNARD:
“I know I have the contours of a
pear
, and I'm ashamed of myself and I'm no good in
bed.”

PROSECUTOR:
Ah ha …

B
ERNARD:
“And you're the loveliest thing that I've ever
seen
, and I'm unfit to even Gaze upon you,” night after night. “You're like a fine beer.” AND MY FRIENDS LOOKED AT YOU LIKE I'D BROUGHT HOME SOME TV
WEATHERMAN.
But, no no no, “I love you, Bernard. And I'll make a
home
for you, and I'll
protect
you …”

PROSECUTOR:
Are you crying?
(Pause)
Oh, are you crying?

B
ERNARD:
Oh, do you think that's some Cheap Girlish Trick?

PROSECUTOR:
(To phone)
One moment…

B
ERNARD:
Do you think that's “unfair” ? To have “feelings” ? “Feelings” ? … now I've lost my contact.
(BERNARD
starts crawling around on the floor.)

PROSECUTOR:
… go on …

B
ERNARD:
… I've lost my contact…

PROSECUTOR:
… go on …

B
ERNARD:
I don't want to go on. I want to be left alone.

PROSECUTOR:
Bunny …

B
ERNARD:
Leave me alone.

PROSECUTOR:
Bunny I'm over here.

B
ERNARD:
I don't care where you are. Go back to your work. Go to your priceless phone call. Go, go on with your “if it please the court,” sick Macho
bullshit:
Mumbo Jumbo, Habeas Gumbo … I've lost my contact… Put the World in Prison. Maybe that will compensate you for your lack of self-esteem. I'm done. I'm done … I've burned the roast.
You
clean the fucking pan. I'm sorry for you.
(He exits)

PROSECUTOR:
(TO
PHONE)
Hello?
(Pause)
A friend. What business is it of yours?
(Pause)
Yeah, I heard you.
(Pause)
And how would that bring peace to the Md-dle East?
(Pause)
Well, too bad, ‘cause you get your ass and your client's ass into court tomorrow at ten A.M.
(Pause)
The judge is not sick, he has hay fever. He'll be there and
you
be there … I don't give a fuck about the Mddle East.
Fuck you.

B
ERNARD:
(Reentering)
Just two things: One,

PROSECUTOR:
Yes?

B
ERNARD:
I'm sorry for you.

PROSECUTOR:
Are
you?

B
ERNARD:
And two: Yes, I am. And two: A paste of baking soda and water left in the pan will scrub it clean effortlessly, overnight. Fuck you.
{He exits.)

SCENE FOUR