Roth (2 page)

“Are you sure you’re ready for this?” Hank asks, pul
ling the bucket away from me when I have nothing left. With the awful food we’re getting here, I don’t vomit for long. I’m not the only one whose stomach is refusing to accept the food we are given, either. It’s a bland, strange, white mush, and it smells as gross as it tastes. If I hadn’t agreed to go on the mission Hank told me about, I would probably stop eating altogether and give up. Some people here have.

It’s been weeks since I arrived on Roth
, and my body and mind have not accepted my new conditions at all. Apart from the awful food I have to eat, I can’t stop the headaches I keep having. The strange smell and weather are to blame, I think. The air has a metallic edge to it, which I have learned to hate and can’t ignore, and the weather is frustrating.

The two suns here are confusing and they aren’t in sync, so
we are never covered in darkness for long. What’s more, it’s impossible to tell time in relation to Earth time because I don’t think this system works on a twenty-four hour routine. The days feel incredibly long, but the nights are short.

When the two suns rotate close to Roth
, we are blanketed in hot days with stifling and stuffy heat. Then, like clockwork, after a week or so of unbearable heat, the suns drift farther away and it will become cold. It often rains and the winds are chilling, but we haven’t had hail or snow here yet. Maybe we won’t.

The cold weather lasts much longer than the heat, which is a blessing. The heat makes it too hot to even a
ttempt sleep. It’s uncomfortable, and since we don’t have many extra clothes for everyone, it means people stick to the same clothing and they smell. It’s sometimes so overpowering I feel faint.

I am
stuck in my same jeans and am ready to burn them, yet I still try to shower as often as I can. It gives me something to do, and when it’s hot, it is one of the only ways to cool down. My only annoyance is that I can’t take off the stupid vest Marduke gave me. I have tried touching every inch of it, but it doesn’t work. I need Marduke to be the one to take it off, and with him dead…

He’s dead. Knowing that doesn’t ever make it less hard to be reminded of it.

I have never lost anyone close to me before. A few years ago, our family dog passed away, and that had felt devastating. Although he had cancer and was fifteen, it wasn’t a shock he was going to die soon. Part of me had been preparing for the news, but to lose my parents? My sister? My best friend? My… lover? Boyfriend? I don’t know what to call Marduke.

Regardless,
I have known him the least amount out of everyone, but his loss feels just as horrific. We shared experiences no one else will ever understand. I have never felt the way I did about Marduke with anyone, and I don’t think I ever will feel that way about someone else.

I am
determined to avenge Earth and what has been done to humans. I hate Marduke’s people because of what they took from us, what they have destroyed. But I
despise
Ival for taking Marduke from me. If this was only about my friends and family, I would be determined to just get Earth back. I would want to just take down Marduke’s people and be done with it. That’s not all this is anymore, though. I want to find Ival. I want him to hurt for not only what he did to Marduke, but also Logan.

I loathe him
, and it is that anger and rage that keeps me motivated.

It is as if
we have been placed on Roth where they hope to break our spirit. It’s working on many people since there is nothing to do here. With no hope of being able to get away and most people now only focusing on what they have lost, it is depressing. The knowledge of all that is enough to cripple people, sometimes it feels crippling to me. However, I haven’t let it consume me. Instead, I keep my hatred alive and I refuse to let this go. I will not stop until I am dead.

For basketball
, I used to train with passion, with determination, and I was stubborn. I would set a goal and wouldn’t let myself rest until I reached it. I ran eight laps last time? Then I will run ten the next time. I did two hundred push-ups last time? Then I will do two hundred and twenty this time. I never let myself give up and those same principals are helping me right now.

I won’t give up until Earth is ours again, and I won’t ever stop.

“Mattie? Are you okay?” Hank whispers. His hand moves over to rest on my forehead, no doubt checking for a fever. He’s constantly worried about me, and I’m not sure why he isn’t used to me drifting off in my thoughts by now. It happens constantly. It’s easy to tell most people around here are stuck in their own heads. Hank, too, gets lost in his memories of Lisa when she is brought up. I just wait it out until he comes back to the present because, often, he’s remembering something good with Lisa, and I don’t want to rush him coming back to the crushing reality of her not being with him.

“I’m okay
. Sorry, I was thinking…” I mutter, pushing his hand away and taking a deep breath.

We’re in the middle of the cold
season; therefore Hank is sleeping next to me. In the hotter weather, we can’t stand to be near each other, yet through the cooler change, we cuddle up at night to keep each other warm.

I like to imagine when I drift off to sleep that Marduke has his arms wrapped around me and I am safe in his arms. I know Hank thinks of Lisa because sometimes
, just before he drifts off, he whispers her name, a smile forming over his lips at the thought of being with her. However, it doesn’t matter what we can convince ourselves of when we fall asleep, our nightmares will just remind us of the hell we’re trapped in.

I always see
the last day with Marduke and Logan. It plays out as if it is a disc that keeps skipping and replaying the same part over and over. Hank’s nightmares usually just involve Lisa being terrorised by the machines. Sometimes, the small girls who managed to find a place in Hank’s heart make an appearance. The one thing that is always the same is that Hank can’t get to them. He can’t help them. All he can do is watch them being killed while he is helpless.

I might wake up from my nightmares needing to empty my stomach, but Hank often wakes up in a rage. He storms out of our small tent and runs away, punching any solid surface he can find to take out his frustration and anger. It’s a miracle he hasn’t broken any bones, although a few of his knuckles and fingers don’t look quite right. He never co
mplains about being in pain, however.

“Mattie, are you sure you want to do this? You’ve been getting worse, more distracted.” Hank grabs hold of my hand and squeezes it, reminding me to stay present and to answer him. It gives me comfort to know I’m not alone in this.

“Yes, I need to do this,” I tell him, watching as he stares into my eyes, searching for something. He often does that. I think he’s trying to convince himself to insist I don’t go with him. He’s looking for a weakness he can latch onto and prove I should stay behind, though he never voices this. Not to me.

As much as he doesn’t want me to be involved in our mission, he also can’t stand the thought of losing me, too. Right now
, we’re all each other has, and we are each other’s strength through this.

Actually
, Hank isn’t alone on this planet. His father and brother made it to Roth. They’re both strong, no nonsense men who have been pillars of strength through this transition. They have helped a lot of women and men by keeping people calm and deciding to set out jobs.

We don’t have anything to do here, but slowly
, they have been bringing us things from Earth. The tent we’re in right now is from Earth. They have also brought tools, and since they don’t damage the machines enough to harm them—they’ve tried many times to kill them—they have set to work cutting down trees in the forest and attempting to make shelters and cabins out of them. No one here wants to make Roth their home, but the work is tiresome and long and some people need to wear themselves out.

I’ve often accompanied the women and men who make their way into the forest to cut down the trees, but the bright greenness of the forest freaks me out. It feels unnat
ural and the quiet that comes with no animals is strange as well. It’s a strong reminder we’re not anywhere on Earth.

“I know we don’t really mention it to each other, but we both know this mission
… well, it’s not going to… I mean, we’re going to die, Mattie. At best, we’ll take down some machine assholes, but that’s it. Getting Earth back…” he trails off then I watch him take a deep breath. “...I don’t know if it’s possible. It’s definitely not for our small army of five.”

Yep, five people.
Sadly, that is actually counting Marduke and me. After the hope and confidence Hank had when I first got to Roth when he spoke his impassioned speech, we are down to an army of five.

In some ways
, going through with this mission sounds ridiculous, but I think we’ll have an advantage with such a small number. We will be able to sneak under their radar, we will be able to blend in easier, and hopefully, it will be enough to get me close enough to Ival to end him.

“This isn’t a suicide mission,” I lie because we both know it is. “We’re going to make them pay.” I lean in and hug him, resting my head
on his shoulder. I often do this, just needing the physical contact. His arm moves around me and holds me to him, his chin leaning on my head.

Hank is the brother I never had
. He’s my only friend on Roth as well as my rock. Without him, I likely would have gone mad. He’s given me a way to focus my anger and has kept me from wallowing in self-pity.

“You two are idiots if you think you’ll live through your plan long enough to make a difference. We lost this fight
. The sooner you realise that and accept it, the sooner you can start to let this bullshit go,” Hank’s brother, Brick, snaps.

We share a small tent with him and his father, Andy. They usually sleep through my screams while I
have a nightmare. After the first few times of trying to calm down Hank after his nightmares, they just let him go now as well. I usually hear their combined snores soon after I have woken up. It’s not that they are heartless or bad people, but we are all going through our own stuff. Brick was separated from his fiancée, and Andy is still stuck in his cop-mode. Andy ignores his own pain and focuses on doing his job.

“Shut up, just because you’re too pussy to
—”

Hank is ripped from my side, his brother grabbing onto his shirt and holding him down to the ground, leaning over him.
“I’m not a selfish fuck like you. I’m not suicidal, and I know what we need right now is patience and to be calm. You guys spurting out your crap about starting a war and winning us Earth back is bullshit. You’re getting people’s hopes up and for nothing. You won’t even make it off this stupid planet, and you’ll be killed for your trouble. Dad is just barely holding it together, and you want to throw your life away. How do you think Dad will deal with that? How do you think I will?” Brick hisses, however I can already see his Dad sitting up, watching his two sons arguing.

“I’m throwing what fucking life away exactly? Roth has no life for us, and I’d rather go down fighting for what I believe in than live a
nother fucking boring second on this planet, waiting for a chance that will never come to fall in our laps,” Hank snaps, pushing Brick off him.

Brick falls back easily
, giving up this fight. It’s an occurrence that has happened many times already and the outcome is always the same.

“Boys, just take a breath
,” Andy states calmly, his pain evident on his face. His affection for his kids breaks my heart because he reminds me of my own dad when he looks at his sons lovingly.

Brick storms out of the tent, this time he needs to vent.

Hank makes a move to follow, his anger still evident, but I grab his arm and pull him back down to my side. The last thing any of us need is a fight. “Just leave him.”

I hate that our mission is putting a wall up between Hank and his family.
I would give anything to be with my family again, yet would I be able to let go of my anger? Let go of the hate I feel over what happened to Marduke and Logan?

I’m not sure I could, and Hank definitely can’t. He and Lisa might have only just recently admitted their feelings out loud for each other, but I know
they have been in love with each other since they first met. Lisa couldn’t stop gushing over the “drunken guy” at the frat party. She was immediately smitten with him.

What’s more, e
ven drunk, Hank realised she was something special to him. Once he found Lisa, he never let her go, insisting he hang out with us every spare chance he had. He might have been slow to admit his feelings for her, and yes, it took the end of the world for him to man up, but there is not one part of Hank that doesn’t know he and Lisa will end up together. When you think you have all the time in the world, you tend to get a little bit lazy and over-think things. Hank’s future is Lisa, and there is no one that will stop him from being with her.

He has a chance to find Lisa, even if it’s tiny. Me? I have no chance of finding Marduke. I know this, which is why my heart is only full of hatred. I want revenge because even though
, deep down, I knew there was no chance of a future for me and Marduke, I hoped for one. I wanted to see where things would go for us. I wanted to stay in his arms and hear his stories. I wanted a life with him that was impossible.