Rouge (31 page)

He didn’t answer, instead he glanced at me with warmth in his eyes, sadness, too. My stomach tightened as I realized what he’d never said, the things he’d never spoken, but he’d demonstrated in so many other ways.

“You stayed for me.”

He shrugged and tried to swagger. “Well, not
entirely
for you. I also had this fabulous offer to be the musical director at a… hmm, somewhat decent cabaret in town.”

“Somewhat decent,” I repeated.

“You have to admit, darling, between your voice and my songs we really took the old girl over the top.  Take tonight, for example. You were phenomenal.”

“You didn’t trust Gavin to keep his promise. You stayed to make sure I was safe.”

Roland sighed and patted my hand. “Gavin was weak when it came to his brother. Too much water under the bridge, too much guilt.”

I frowned. “Guilt?”

“And besides, your mother got me out of more trouble.” His voice became tender. “She saved me.”

I studied his handsome face. There was so much he knew about my past that I didn’t, and now I was leaving him in a terrible position.

“I can’t leave you like this. I can’t put you at such risk.”

“I have always been at risk. At least now it’ll be easier. I won’t have to be constantly watching your back, too.”

He tried to laugh, to act cavalier, but I wasn’t convinced.

“There’s nowhere else for you to go,” I whispered, and for a moment he didn’t answer. But with a wave of his hand, it was gone.

“Now that sounds very dire indeed.” His smile returned along with his
playful
arrogance
. “I prefer to look at it as limited mobility.”

I shook my head and looked down. He put an arm around my shoulders. “It’s hard for you to see anything clearly right now, but that’ll pass.”

“I don’t know what you want me to see.”

“That I love this city. I love to make music. And dance.” He waved his hands and rotated his slim hips. I watched his nimble steps as he lifted my arm and tried to do a little spin. He was as graceful as Frank, but I didn’t feel like dancing.

“I’ll handle this, and I’ll be fine. Don’t you trust me?” He pulled me to him by my waist, and I closed my eyes, leaning my forehead against his cheek as we swayed back and forth.

“I do.”

“I’m more worried about the show now,” he said. “You’re my muse, you know.”

The thought of saying goodbye to him overwhelmed me. My first love who always made me smile. My gallant music man who taught me to survive.

“Oh, Roland, I wish I could be more like you.”

“Darling, I wouldn’t change a thing about you.” He leaned forward and kissed my nose. “Now come on. We’ve got to find Beau.”

We picked up the pace, and he led me to an avenue that was bright and filled with music and laughter. It was good to be surrounded by so many people unaware of what I’d done. I could almost pretend I hadn’t done anything.

Roland went to the bar, and I looked around the room. Men and women in evening attire laughed and danced in a bouncy motion as a band played in another part of the room. It was similar to the music I’d heard with Beau, and our night together flooded my memory.

Everything about this plan was a mistake. I hadn’t been thinking clearly when I’d agreed to come here looking for him. Beau knew I was leaving, and now I had no choice. I couldn’t stay. He couldn’t know what I’d done, and if I hadn’t come here, he’d simply move on, believing I had rejected him.

The thought made me ache. The memory of his broken expression on the catwalk before my finale brought tears to my eyes. Perhaps if I just told him, gave him a better reason for my departure…

Roland broke my thoughts, handing me a glass of champagne. “To the end of a nightmare.” He clinked his glass against mine. “And your future in
France
.”

I forced a smile and took a sip, thinking again that this was a mistake.

“He’s got to be here,” Roland said, scanning the room. “Several of the men are. Let me wander around a bit and see if I spot him.”

“I don’t know. I think we shouldn’t have come.”

But he was gone, making his way through the crowd. My shoulders were tense as I also scanned the room. Jeffrey the new stage hand was here, as was another of Mastiff’s men, Punk or Bubba. They all had ridiculous nicknames. He was grasping a patron’s arm and laughing loudly.

I turned back and there he was, the figure I knew so well, hunched over a pint of beer. Beau
.
I looked closer and his cheeks were wet, the hurt I put there evident on his face.

“Oh!” The sound was out of me before I could stop it. I wanted to run to him, comfort him, but I didn’t.

“Perfect.” Roland was back at my side. “Shall I leave you now or wait to be sure you’re all set?”

Fear clutched at me again. I ducked into Roland’s side. “I can’t stay. We shouldn’t have come here.”

“He’ll take you back.” Roland’s voice was low. “Just try.”

“I can’t hurt him more. Not when I have no choice but to leave.”

I bit my lip and tried to sneak another look, but Beau’s eyes caught mine. Instead of his normal happiness at seeing me, pain was all I saw, and I took a hiccupped breath as he turned away, placing his elbow on the bar and using his hand to hide his face.

I couldn’t help myself. Tears were in my eyes as I watched him struggle with his own, and I had to go to him.

“Beau?” I placed my hand on his arm.

“Why are you here?” His voice was husky, and he wouldn’t look at me. “Shouldn’t you be preparing for your trip?”

“I can’t right now.” My voice was thick, too.

“Why not?” He looked at me, his blue eyes so sad, I almost couldn’t bear it.

“Oh, Beau,” I whispered. “I wasn’t expecting to see you. Ever again. But…” I turned to the bar and saw an empty shot glass beside his pint. “Don’t do this,” I said. “Don’t go back to this kind of life.”

He moved his arm away and picked up the glass. “What business is it of yours?”

I dropped my head. No words could tell him how I felt.

He stood and seemed ready to leave, but then he stopped and turned back, catching my arm. I didn’t resist as he led me toward the door, even when Roland stood and searched my face for whether I needed help. I shook my head and followed as we went outside and around the corner into a wide alley lined with boxes and trash cans.

The air was cold and wet, and the metallic stench of stale beer, old food, and faint urine met my nose. He released me and we stood apart with him facing the street outside the alley. It was filled with the noise of tavern music and laughter and the sound of carriage wheels. I studied his back, his broad shoulders, his light brown hair.

“Now explain it to me,” he said, walking closer. “Explain how all the things we said, the things we did, meant nothing to you.”

I glanced up at him, but I couldn’t tell him the truth. “I never wanted to hurt you,” was all I could say.

I couldn’t tell him that I ached to take him back to his big, white room and help him into bed. That I wanted to love him and then stroke his sweet brow and hold him close, let him sleep in my arms and tell him it would all be okay in the morning.

Because it wouldn’t be okay in the morning. The clock was ticking on what I’d done, and when the sun came up, I had to flee
New Orleans
.

“I wish I could explain. You just have to believe that there’s a very good reason for what I’m doing. It really is for the best.”

“For the best,” he said. “So many secrets. So much I can’t know about.”

“I’m so sorry. When I met you, I knew to stay away.”

“You never intended to give us a chance.” He caught my arms and pulled me close, his voice breaking. “Why did you lead me on?”

I wouldn’t meet his eyes, and as I struggled to hide my tears, it all came out. “You weren’t supposed to happen. I had a plan, a promise. And I couldn’t fall in love with you.”

His fingers relaxed and he gently rubbed my arms before stepping back. He watched me a moment, thinking. “But you did fall in love with me.”

I turned away. “I can’t think of just myself. I never could. I have to look out for Teeny, and now… Now something’s happened and I have no choice. We have to leave.”

“Tell me what happened. For once. Is it about her?”

I studied him, his earnest expression, but I couldn’t say it. I couldn’t drag him into this and risk his life, his future. His freedom.

“No, it’s something I’ve done. But the result is the same. I have to go, and I have to take her with me.”

“Then let
me
take you out of here.”

“It’s not that simple anymore. Freddie can take us far away, across the ocean. Where no one will find us. Ever.”

He caught my chin and gently lifted my face. His blue eyes searched mine for anything he could grasp. Anything he could change.

“You weren’t sick those two days,” he said. “You were with Guy. Is he threatening you again?”

I moved away, turning my back as I crossed my arms around my middle. “No. He’s gone.”

“Did he hurt you? Is that what it is? I’ll kill him.”

“It doesn’t matter anymore. It’s over.”

Silence filled the ally, and somewhere off in the night, a dog barked.

“What do you mean?”

“I mean it’s over. And now Freddie’s the only one who can get me far enough away to be safe.”

“Does Freddie know?”

I shook my head. “Of course not.”

In the tense silence, Beau walked to me and gently pulled me into his arms. “Oh, Hale,” he whispered. “What have you done?”

My arms slid around his body, and for a moment, I let him hold me again. My eyes were damp, but a few breaths and I started to relax. I rested my head on his chest as his hand smoothed my hair. It was just like before, like always.

“There’s no way you can help me with this. I wish you could, but you’ve got to move on and stop thinking it’s your job to protect me. Or that we’re somehow…” I couldn’t think of the right word.

“Connected?”

“No,” I shook my head. “I mean, yes.”

But it was almost unbearable to speak. I didn’t want him to ever stop thinking those things. We were connected, and I never wanted to break that. But I couldn’t change what had to happen. If I stayed, if I were arrested, what would happen to Teeny then? What would happen to me?

“You have to forget about me,” I whispered.

He was silent for several moments. Then he shook his head. “It won’t happen,” he said. “I’ll never forget about you. I love you.”

My shoulders drooped and I exhaled, lifting my hands to my face. He reached forward and pulled me into his arms again, his mouth searching for mine. I gave in and slid my hands around his neck, into his soft hair. For a moment, I tasted his sweet kisses, now mixed with the harsh syrupy flavor of the whiskey. I held him as he kissed me again and again. At last he broke away and rested his face against mine.

“You still love me.” I could hear his smile.

I was half drunk from his kiss and from fatigue, and I found myself nodding.

“Please don’t go.” The ache in his voice matched the one twisting my chest, and with a painful breath, I broke away.

“You are so stubborn. And you refuse to listen.” I was frustrated that I’d given in again, even for a moment. “I have to go. I don’t have a choice. We have to leave
New Orleans
. We have to leave the country!”

He looked down, and for a long while he was quiet. Then he looked up at me. “Okay.”

I was speechless. I couldn’t believe it. “What?”

He stepped forward and took my hands. “Do what you need to do to keep yourself and Teeny safe.” He paused and looked directly into my eyes. “But know that I’m coming for you.”

I blinked. “I don’t understand.”

His eyes fixed on mine as if in defiance of my words, of my future. “I’ll let you go to
Paris
if that’s what you have to do, but I’m not letting you go. I will come for you. And if you’re not married when I arrive, you’ll be mine.”

I shook my head and started to turn away, pain radiating through my chest. “How can you say that to me? You must know how it hurts me.”

“How can you come here tonight and expect anything less?”

“You’ll never find me. Even if I waited, it wouldn’t matter.
Paris
is a huge city.”

“I have a feeling someone as rich as Freddie Lovel won’t be hard to find.”

“But how long will that take? And what if you never come?”

“I will.”

I squeezed my eyes closed trying to think of all the arguments, the impossibilities of what he was saying. “And if something happens to you?”

“Nothing will happen to me.” His face was so calm, so certain, it made me want to believe him.