RR-CDA (16 page)

“What are you doing here?” His voice cracked as the words forced their way past the lump in his throat. “I thought you’d left.”
Left me behind.

Steven put down the box he’d been holding and made his way closer. He stopped half a step away, but far too close for Cole’s liking. The younger man looked off. “Yeah. Then we came back.”

“What’s wrong?” He didn’t need to be told there was a problem. Steven wore his emotions on his face.

“Adam . . .” Steven shook his head. “I’d forgotten a few things about him. Some of which I didn’t miss when we broke up. Bad habits.” Steven reached out and ran a finger down the back of Cole’s hand. “How are you?”

Just peachy. You broke my heart two weeks before Christmas only to show up again when I’m doubting my maybe-relationship with my bartender. Fantastic!
“I’m living.”

“Cole, I’m so sorry. You know I never intended to hurt you that way. Adam didn’t either. He didn’t know I’d moved on.”

“Had you though? Moved on?” It wasn’t something he’d really thought that much about before then. “Adam had always been on your mind when we were together. Hadn’t he?”

Steven’s lips tightened into a line before he nodded. “I guess that’s true.”

“Where is he?”

“We went to Montreal after . . . the airport. I was able to get my ticket changed.” Steven shook his head. “Typical Adam. We went for five days and then had to come back. He’d forgotten about a meeting he had for his job, so here we are. It’s fine though, it’s given me time to think.”

No.

A sense of dread filled Cole and pooled in his stomach. He didn’t want Steven to continue, to say the words he knew were coming.

Steven swayed closer. “The irony is now that I have him back in my life, all I’ve been able to think about is you.”

Fuck.

“When I saw Adam at the airport, he was all I could register. When he smiled at me, when he proposed, that was all I could see. I’d forgotten about the way he’d get so focused on work that he’d forget to talk to me for hours on end. I’d blocked the way he’d flirt with other men right in front of me, even if it was something he didn’t intend.”

Steven reached out and took his hand. “When I got home the other day, my super had the box of my things you’d left for me. Seeing it brought a lot of things back. I’d forgotten how loved you made me feel. How you’d focus on me when I was talking, the way you listened. I miss that. I miss you.”

And there it was. The other shoe finally dropped.

Cole had fought his way through two weeks of heartache, insecure about his ability to have a serious relationship, all because Steven had impulsively left him for his old flame. It would have been horrible if Owen hadn’t been there to help him through the worst of it.

Owen . . .

No, he had to focus on Steven, had to see this through to the end. It was the only way he’d be able to move on.

He squeezed Steven’s hand. “Let’s not do this here. There’s a Starbucks in the food court. We can sit and talk.”

Steven brightened and smiled. “Awesome.”

They didn’t speak as they made their way through the crowds. Steven went in search of a table while Cole bought and paid for their drinks. It was the natural pattern of their relationship, one they didn’t even need to address. The time apart gave him the opportunity to catch his breath and think. Steven was engaged to another man, and Cole had no claims over him. He wasn’t even certain he wanted that any longer. Still, he owed it to both of them to have this conversation.

It took him a minute to find Steven in the sea of weary holiday shoppers. Weaving his way once again through the throng of people, he set Steven’s drink in front of him. “Here you go.”

“Thanks.”

They both sipped their drinks, sneaking glances at one another. He knew he’d have to be the one to start this, he was always the one who kick-started their conversations. He took a breath and cupped his coffee in his hands. “So, you’re engaged.”

“I am.” Steven blushed. “That sounds so weird.”

“It’s quite the Christmas present.” Cole looked at him, really looked hard. Steven was young and full of life, but lacked confidence. “You’re questioning your decision?”

Steven nodded once. “I’m twenty-five. I feel like I’m still figuring shit out. When I saw Adam at the airport and then he got down on one knee, all I could think of was: this is it, my dream come true. Then on the drive back to my place I kept hearing your voice in the back of my head saying, ‘Are you sure you want this?’”

At least he wasn’t yelling and crying in Steven’s memory. “
Do
you want this? I know Adam hurt you when he left you for the job, and I understand why you were happy when he came back. But this has to be right for you.”

Steven slid his hand across the table and pressed his knuckles to Cole’s. “You and Adam are so different. You’re thoughtful where he’s impulsive. He and I are so much alike, I keep wondering if I should have stayed with you. I need your balance to keep me grounded.”

Cole froze. What he saw was a man who didn’t know what he wanted from life. Someone who wanted someone else to be in charge of the hard decisions he was faced with. He didn’t want a partner; Steven wanted a manager. Two weeks ago, Cole would have been okay with that position, but not any longer.

“Steve, I care about you. I probably always will.”

Steven pulled back. “But?”

“But the last two weeks have put some things into perspective for me.” God, how to word this without sounding like an asshole? “When we first got together, I knew you were hurting. I wanted to make things better. I wanted to be the man to save you. That says more about me than you. I had this need to be a savior, because in my experience that was the way people saw me. You going back to Adam was a wake-up call for me. Being that man wasn’t who I wanted to be anymore. I didn’t want to be the rebound guy. I wanted to be the first choice.”

Owen had wanted him. Owen had been concerned for him, had been the one to put his needs ahead of Owen’s. It was the first relationship he had been a part of where that had been the case. Regardless of how little time they’d been together—how neither of them had been willing to call what they’d been doing a
relationship
—what he’d shared with Owen had been different, wonderful. While there were no guarantees that if they got into a relationship things would work out any better, at least they were starting in a place of mutual respect and want.

First, he needed to make sure Steven was okay. “I know you never meant to hurt me. I’m not mad at you for going back to Adam. But it all happened quickly. You need to take time to make sure he’s the right one for you. That you’re making this decision because it’s what you want, not what you think you need. Since I’ve met you, you’ve let others take control, Steve. This is on you now. To stay or go.”

“Go back to you?” The hope in his eyes was heartbreaking.

“No. You leaving me opened my eyes. I’ll always be there for you, but only as your friend. I can’t give you more than that. We’re not good for one another. Not really.”

Steven sat back and looked away. “So what do I do?”

“Take some time. Think about what you want from your life. You’re engaged, but that’s not the end of the world. Don’t get married for a year. Or two. You talked about wanting to go back to school. Go do that. If Adam loves you, then he’ll support you. You need to figure out where the pieces of your life go, otherwise you’ll never be happy, no matter who you’re with.”

He’d never been one to take his own advice, but this time Cole knew he was right. He wanted a partner, not just a lover. He wanted someone who enjoyed hockey, who was willing to try new things, but not afraid of routine. He wanted a best friend he couldn’t keep his hands off. Of all the men he’d been with over the years, Owen had been the first person to fit into all those roles.

Cole had been blinded by his broken heart, blinded to the gem of a soul who’d reached out to him in his time of need. He wanted Owen.

If Owen was willing to have him.

Steven cleared his throat, drawing his attention. “You look like you’ve come to a decision yourself.”

“Yeah, I think I might have.” The dread that had built up in his stomach dissipated, washed away with the last gulp of his coffee. “I just hope things aren’t too late to make them right.”

“Well, you told me that if things were meant to be, then they would work out. I have a feeling the universe owes you this one.” Steven got to his feet and placed a kiss to Cole’s cheek. “Take care. And if you’re okay with it, I’m going to keep your number. Just in case I need some advice.”

“Sure. Merry Christmas, Steve.”

He watched Steven disappear into the crowd and knew that things were over between them. He hadn’t realized how much he’d needed that closure. To know that despite the way they’d broken up, it was in fact the right thing. The weight of uncertainty had lifted, and he was able to move on.

He knew in his heart that what he’d shared briefly with Owen was better than all the months he’d had with Steven wrapped together. Sure, Owen had held things back from him. They weren’t officially dating and had only had a fling for two weeks. He was an idiot to think that there wouldn’t be things Owen would want to keep to himself. That didn’t mean Cole didn’t want to know, to learn what they were.

Time was working both for and against them. He wanted more of it with Owen, but he was terrified he’d screwed things up. It was also a day and a half before Christmas, not the best time of year to be laying his heart on the line. Still, it was better to be up-front, give Owen time to think, and find out if he wanted to take the chance and see where things could go between them.

Jumping to his feet, he knew what he had to do. The bar was going to be open until 2 a.m. and then Owen would be gone to spend the day before Christmas with his parents. Cole would grab a gift for his mom and then he’d go see Owen.

Maybe, just maybe, he’d get his holiday wish in the form of a sexy bartender.

The bar was packed, which meant Owen had all hands on deck. He, Jane, and Moe were behind the bar, getting drinks to the servers and patrons as quickly as they could. His cheeks ached from the perma-grin he’d worn for hours. As he shoved a full tray of cranberry vodka twists to the edge of the bar for pickup, he glanced at the clock. Twelve forty. He’d been working since open, and he was more than ready for closing time.

Jane bumped into him, a weary smile on her face. “This is busier than last year.”

“I guess all our promotions are actually working.” A little too well given the state of his staff. “I’ll have to hire more help next year.”

“Can’t hurt. It will give us more opportunities to switch off. Plus you look like shit.”

A customer asked for a pitcher of draft, pulling Jane away.

The last thing he wanted to do was get into a conversation about how he was feeling. She didn’t know that it had nothing to do with the bar, working crazy hours, or even his dad. Since Cole had walked out on him, he had felt like he looked. It was weird how much he missed the other man. If he hadn’t been so worried about protecting Cole, he would have talked about his problems with him.

He cleared his throat. “Last call, everyone!”

A collective groan went up through the crowd before a flurry of final drink orders came rushing in. Thirty minutes later, the crowd started to dissipate and they were able to breathe. He didn’t want them to be around too late, knowing his team had more than earned their tips and time off after the past week. They’d get through their cleanup and he’d send them all home at a reasonable hour. Then they’d have to get ready for New Year’s Eve and the insanity that would ensue.

It didn’t take too long for them to usher everyone out the door. There were a few stragglers, but Moe was on bouncer duty tonight. His punishment for avoiding puker duty two weeks ago. That freed Owen to take a quick inventory and sort out the cash. He had just enough energy left to close things, and then he planned to collapse in his bed and sleep.

“Boss?”

Owen managed not to groan. “Yes, Moe?”

“We have a . . . straggler. He won’t leave the booth.”

God, if someone could cut me some slack, it would be awesome.
“You’re a bouncer, Moe. Go bounce.”

“Trust me, I’ve tried. I think you’ll have to deal with this one.” He at least had the decency to look embarrassed. “Sorry.”

“Fine. Where is he?”

“Back booth. Near the bathrooms.”

Owen shoved the inventory sheets at Moe. “Finish this please.” And he was off to kick the merrymaker out of his bar.

This was the last thing he needed, but it came with the territory. “Hey, buddy, the bar is closing up. Time to head out.”

“I was hoping I could speak to the owner.”

He stopped dead at the sound of Cole’s voice. He was sitting in the booth, a nearly full glass of beer in his hand.

“What are you doing here?” Okay, that came out harsher than he’d intended. “I mean, I thought you were with your family.”

“I will be but not until Christmas morning.” He swallowed down part of his beer. “I know you’re busy, but I was hoping we could talk.”