Rules of the Game (26 page)

Each of these personality types is associated with further behavioral traits, which can be researched online. Other systems worth looking into include the Enneagram and the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator.

Remember the Golden Rule
—
always tell the subject
what he/she wants to hear!
—
RAY HYMAN, “GUIDE TO COLD READING”

There are standard guidelines and principles that fuel every cold reading. Many have been around for centuries. Here are a few of them:

The key principle of cold reading is to never state an impression as a definite fact. It's far safer—and more accurate—to use conditional words and general terms.

If you say, “You are shy,” your listener can always respond, “No I'm not.”

But if you say, “You can be shy at times,” this is a lot harder to deny.

When you use conditional words, every line you say during a cold reading becomes practically irrefutable. Here are a few examples of words and phrases to preface your insights with when developing your own cold-reading material:
a part of you, at times, every now and then, somewhat, generally, now and again, occasionally, once in a while, frequently, tendency
, and
sometimes
.

If you have some idea of your partner's disposition or the universality of your statement, you can use words and phrases with a narrower range of interpretation—like
usually, often, rarely, seldom, many, hardly, normally, regularly
, and
almost never
.

Unless you know for certain that your information is accurate, avoid absolute words and phrases such as
always, completely, every, all the time, none of the time, entirely
, and
never
.

Though you want to avoid absolutes, this doesn't mean you can't punch up your reading with phrases that imply specificity.

One way to accomplish this is to use transition words like
because
, which imply causality even when a link doesn't exist.

Another way to make your reading sound specific is to affirm the listener's individuality by showing how her traits contrast with the norm. This can be accomplished by using a sentence structure like: “Though many people ___________, you tend to ___________.”

Act as if you're certain that everything you say is true. Even when you make a mistake or claim something that's not entirely accurate, if you say it with authority
most people will still believe it. On the other hand, doubt in your voice will create doubt in the listener's mind—even if what you're saying is true.

People are more likely to agree with a positive statement about themselves, even when it's not true. Conversely, they're less likely to agree with a negative statement, even if it's accurate.

Welding these two principles together helps create one of the most powerful and beneficial things you can do when talking to a woman: to recast what she or others believe to be her negative traits into more positive ones.

If she's shy, for example, tell her, “Though some people think of you as shy, the truth is that you just take a while to get comfortable around new people.”

Or if you're talking to a beautiful woman who's a little icy, you can tell her, “Some people think you're stuck up, but that's not true. You're just uncomfortable sometimes, and because of the way you look, people mistake your shyness for meanness.”

This is a simple technique that will make a big difference in a woman's judgment of your accuracy. Whenever you can, pause and get her either to agree explicitly with what you're saying or just respond with words like
yes
and
right
. The more yes responses she gives, the more her subconscious mind will accept you as an authority.

Some of the most powerful cold reads make a statement that contrasts two opposite qualities. For example: “At times you can be outgoing and social, while at other times you're more comfortable keeping to yourself.”

This may look completely meaningless on paper, but try it out. When said with authority and understanding, it can seem incredibly insightful.

An additional technique you can use when delivering statements that contain opposites is the two-hand comparison: Lift one hand and indicate to it when you recite the first personality type, then lift and present your other hand when you describe the second type. Typically, her eyes or nose will point to the hand she has more affinity with as she considers each one.

When cold reading, it's important to be acutely aware of her reactions and facial expressions. Check to see whether her body language is affirming what you say (associative) or denying it (dissociative).

For example, without even realizing it, many people nod their head up and down while you're saying something they agree with, and shake it from side to side when they disagree. They may blush when you say one thing, and frown when you say another.

Below are examples of encouraging and discouraging cues to look for:

Often, people will start talking when you're cold reading them. Be quiet and listen, nodding and smiling as if these are things you already knew about them. They'll usually offer all the information you need to craft an extremely precise reading.

When you're speaking face-to-face, you don't have to stick to scripted lines. Your eyes and ears can pick up a wealth of clues to help refine your reading. Pay focused attention to what she says, what she does, and the people with whom she chooses to surround herself.

A woman's age, ethnicity, speaking voice, style of dress, accessories, hairstyle, and jewelry are the most obvious signs of who she is. Look at her fingernails to see if they're clean or dirty, short or long, natural or painted. Notice the way she speaks, holds herself, and gestures. Does she do it with confidence or insecurity, and how does this relate to the way she looks?

Even where she's from—especially if it's a town associated with a particular university, company, or occupation—can give you extraordinary information. The more you notice, the more specific and accurate your cold reading will be.

It may just happen that as you're delivering a line, you see the woman you're talking to shaking her head negatively and folding her arms. If this happens, you need to recover. To do so, just stick to the rules: Assert your confidence and return to your conditional words. You can turn it all around through the power of just one word:
but
.

For example, if you're telling her, “You tend to be critical of yourself sometimes,” and she starts to disagree, don't get flustered. Just continue speaking as if she's interrupting before hearing the complete thought: “But most of the time, you're more accepting of yourself. And this is what makes you stand out from others around you.”

Be forewarned that there's one type of person you may come across who is invulnerable to cold reading. This person is what's known as a “polarity responder.” Whatever you tell polarity responders about themselves, they're going to disagree. They may even get upset or angry that you claim to know anything about them.

For example, tell a polarity responder that she tends to be shy, and she'll probably respond, “I'm actually very confident.” If you then simply repeat that she's confident, she'll say something like “Not always.” Why? Because polarity responders just don't want to be defined. They derive their identity through their unique, uncompromising, often argumentative individuality.

Trying to cold read this kind of person is like trying to grip an eel. Eventually, you have to use a net to catch the eel. And that's exactly what you're going to do. Just smile and ask: “So you're the type of person who doesn't like to be pigeonholed?”

There is literally no way she can answer this without agreeing with you. As you watch her forehead crease and the befuddlement begin, just laugh with her, tell her you're joking, and quickly move on to another subject that doesn't involve cold reading. If her personality is really unpleasant, extricate yourself politely with your all-purpose farewell: “Nice meeting you.”

There's a next level to this talent.

Imagine walking up to a complete stranger and saying, “Out of curiosity, were you raised in a military family?… Yeah, I thought so… And you're probably the oldest sister too… I knew it!”

As you practice cold reading, you'll develop a strong intuition for people. Eventually, you'll find yourself going far beyond the principles described here, and you'll actually be able to guess with decent accuracy whether someone is an oldest or youngest child; what she does for work; what type of environment she was raised in; and any number of specific facts about her.

And if you happen to be wrong, you'll have the cold-reading skills to explain what led you to your conclusion in a way she'll ultimately agree with.

Sound impossible? Well, you'll learn more about how to do this when you study calibration on Day 28.