Rules of the Game (4 page)

When it came to meeting women, my biggest enemy was me.

I used to look at myself—five foot six, scrawny, bald, and big nosed—and think there was no way I could compete with all the tall, good-looking guys out there. I was so unhappy that I considered plastic surgery.

But once I started approaching women in streets, bars, clubs, and cafés, I discovered that looks don't matter nearly as much as I'd thought. As long as I was well groomed, all I needed in order to attract just about anyone I wanted was the right personality.

Although it's a dubious achievement to be named in the media as the best pickup artist in the world, one thing it taught me was that I didn't need to change the way I looked. I was doing just fine. In fact, I usually had it easier than big, muscular, square-jawed male models because I was much less threatening and intimidating. I could come in under the radar. In the end, then, my problem wasn't my looks, but my limiting beliefs about my looks.

A limiting belief is something that you believe about yourself, other people, or the world—and although it isn't actually true, the fact that you
think
it is holds you back from experience and success. Any time you tell yourself you “can't” do something that's within the realm of human possibility—that's a limiting belief.

Dispelling limiting beliefs is very easy: Just ask yourself, “Was there ever a time when…” and insert your limiting belief. For example, if you believe that you get uncomfortable around beautiful women, ask yourself, “Was there ever a time when I was comfortable around a beautiful woman?” Name just one time, and you've disproved your limiting belief.

Nearly everyone is held back by some limiting belief, whether he's conscious of it or not. So before I send you running around the streets talking to strangers, let's clear the air and dispel a few of the most common limiting beliefs about dating.

LIMITING BELIEF: If I talk to her, she'll ignore me—or, even worse, say something mean that will embarrass me.

REALITY:
Here's something that may surprise you: The harder it is for you to approach women, the less likely it is that you'll be rudely rejected.

Why is that? Because most people have been raised to be courteous and polite, unless they feel threatened—and a shy guy isn't too likely to intimidate anyone. The worst thing that's likely to happen is the woman will politely say she's having a private conversation, or simply excuse herself to go to the bathroom. Playing negative what-if scenarios in your head is detrimental to your emotional health. Instead, get out of the house and start approaching women, and you'll discover that most of the things you imagine going wrong will never happen.

LIMITING BELIEF: People are looking at me, judging me, or making fun of me.

REALITY:
This is half right. People may notice you, but they're not necessarily judging you—most of them are too busy worrying about what other people are thinking of them. Once you realize that most people are just like you—and that they're actually seeking your approval—you'll start to become socially fearless.

Besides, most bystanders who see you approach a girl or a group assume that you know the people. So act like you do. Not only will it ease your worries about what everyone else is thinking, but it'll also make your approach more effective.

LIMITING BELIEF: Women aren't attracted to nice guys. They like jerks.

REALITY:
This is one of the oldest myths about dating. And, fortunately, it's inaccurate. The dating dichotomy isn't actually between nice guys and mean guys, or good boys and bad boys. It's between weak guys and strong guys. Women are drawn to men who demonstrate strength—not necessarily physical strength, but the ability to make them feel safe. So if you're a nice guy, you can still be nice. But you must also be strong.

However, make sure you know what nice means. Most guys who define themselves as “too nice” only behave nicely because they want everybody to like them and don't want anyone to think badly of them. So, if this is you, get off your nice high horse. Don't mistake being fearful and weak-minded for being nice.

LIMITING BELIEF: I'm not good-looking, rich, or famous enough to be with a beautiful woman.

REALITY:
There are plenty of rock stars and multimillionaires who have the exact same problems with women that you do. I know because I've coached many of them. And, in the process, I learned that money, looks, and fame—while they certainly make things much easier—aren't actually necessary. Fortunately for men, the way we look doesn't matter nearly as much as how we present ourselves. And this requires only good grooming, and clothing that conveys an attractive identity. When it comes to wealth and fame, simply displaying the desire and ability to achieve them can be just as powerful. Like talent scouts, many women are attracted to men with goals and potential. And in the next ten days, we'll be sharpening your appearance, goals, and perceived potential.

LIMITING BELIEF: There's this one girl…

REALITY:
There are many incredible women in this world. If you're hung up on one particular girl you just can't get out of your mind—and she hasn't given you any sense that she shares the feelings—then recognize that's not love you're feeling, but obsession. And that obsession is likely to scare her away. The best thing you can do for yourself and for her is to go out and interact with as many women as possible, until you realize that there are plenty of people out there for you—some of whom are capable of recognizing your worth and reciprocating your feelings.

LIMITING BELIEF: Some guys are born with the ability to charm women. Other guys just don't have it and never will.

REALITY:
Fortunately, there is a third type of guy: one who can learn it. That's me. And once you understand how attraction works and have a few successful approaches under your belt, it'll be you too. Any problems you may currently be having aren't the result of who you are but of what you're doing and how you're presenting yourself. Those problems can be fixed easily with the right knowledge and a little practice. If you stick with the program after the Challenge, you'll even start doing better than the so-called naturals you once envied.

LIMITING BELIEF: All I have to do is “be myself,” and eventually I'll meet the right woman who likes me for me.

REALITY:
This works only if you know exactly who you are, what your strengths are, and how to convey them successfully. Most often, this statement is used as an excuse not to improve. What most of us present to the world isn't
necessarily our true self: It's a combination of years of bad habits and fear-based behavior. Our real self lies buried underneath all the insecurities and inhibitions. So rather than just being yourself, focus on discovering and permanently bringing to the surface your best self.

LIMITING BELIEF: To figure out what women want, just ask them.

REALITY:
This may be true sometimes, but not as often as many people think. It wasn't until I started trying behaviors that seemed counterintuitive that I discovered a key principle of the game: What women want isn't necessarily what they respond to. Furthermore, what women
say
they want may be what they want in a relationship, but it isn't always what attracts them during the courtship period. That said, most women will give you the information you need to attract them, but it's usually found between the lines.

LIMITING BELIEF: If I approach a woman, she'll know I'm hitting on her and think I'm lame.

REALITY:
This is only partially true—women think this only when men approach them
badly
. This includes men who make them uncomfortable, creep them out, or seem to have an agenda. The biggest mistake a man can make with a woman is hitting on her before she's attracted to him. And though this describes the so-called technique of most men, it's a mistake you'll avoid if you follow your daily missions. Few women will resent meeting someone who is warm, funny, sincere, interesting, engaging, makes them feel comfortable, and isn't going to stick around talking their ear off.

LIMITING BELIEF: Women don't like sex as much as men do. They're mostly interested in having a relationship.

REALITY:
If you believe that, you haven't spent enough time around women. Here are a few facts that may help dispel that belief: It's women, rarely men, who have an organ solely made for sexual pleasure: the clitoris, which has twice as many nerve endings as a man's entire penis. And it's women, not men, whose orgasms can last minutes or longer. Most men have just one orgasm and then lose their arousal; most women can have orgasm after orgasm and many different types: clitoral, vaginal, blended, full-body, and psycholagnic (look it up).

In short, good sex is even better for women than it is for us. So doesn't it make sense that they want it more?