Sacred Hart (12 page)

“You were. Six pounds and four ounces and just seventeen inches long.” I pushed off the wall and walked over to where she was sitting. “You were perfect.” I leaned down and kissed the top of her head.

I was just beginning to gather up all the torn pieces of wrapping paper that had been shredded and thrown across the carpet when a light knock sounded on the door. Cornelia looked at me, and I shrugged. “Someone probably forgot something.” I gave a quick glance around the room as I headed to see who it was.

Soft brown eyes met mine as I opened the front door, and the scent,
his
scent, of cotton and soap spilled across the threshold.

“Am I too late?”

He wasn’t just asking about the party. Ryan ran his hand through his hair and rubbed the back of his neck. His anxious eyes locked on mine, and they were
open
… he was ready.

“Maybe.” Each breath came faster than the next as he stepped closer.

“Tony gave me directions and… I’m…” He lifted his hand, and I wanted him to touch my face. I’d missed the rough sensation of his fingertips, but he paused and my heart dropped into my stomach. His hand fell to his side, and I noticed he was holding a gift bag with
The Hulk
on it in his other hand. “I wanted to give her this.” Ryan smiled as he held up the bag.

“Thank you. She’ll love it, especially the bag.”

“
The Hulk
. I think she said he was her favorite.” He chuckled.

I nodded with a half grin. “Yeah, she’s sort of a fangirl for the Captain at the moment, but
Hulk
is her all-time favorite.”

He watched me quietly, waiting for me to make a choice, waiting for me to say it was okay for him to come in. “Ryan, I—”

“I’m sorry, Maggie. I shouldn’t have—”

“Who is it, Mom?” Beth’s voice broke through our private bubble, and I sighed.

I stepped to the side and pushed the door open fully. “Come on in.” I swallowed as he stepped into my home. He’d never been here before, and letting him in — it felt right.

He was a mighty wave, and I was the fragile sandy shore being pulled into his depths.

Maggie’s house smelled like cinnamon and sugar, and as I stepped into her living room a flood of nostalgia settled over me. The birthday decorations, that particular scent… all of it almost had me stepping back into time, but I held tight to the present. And as I moved past Maggie, I deliberately let my hand graze hers. I’d missed her skin, and I’d spent the better part of the past few days trying to remember how it had felt. The light touch sent a shock up my arm and was enough to prove my memory did her no justice. I’d fought with myself time and time again. I was stuck between guilt and need. What I wanted had never been important to me, not anymore… not after Belle. I’d vacillated so many times tonight, keys in hand, coming here. It was the first battle I’d won in a very long time, and as I walked into her home, I was glad I decided to fight.

There was a woman sitting on the couch next to Beth, and for a minute, I thought I recognized her.

“Ryan, this is Cornelia. She’s the one who is so gracious and helps me practically raise this little rug rat.”

My smile pulled easily across my face at Beth’s scowl.

“I’m not a peanut or a rug rat.” Beth folded her arms and had a pout on her lips.

Cornelia laughed openly. “It’s nice to meet you, Ryan. I come into Red’s from time to time, but I don’t think I’ve ever officially met you.” She stood and offered me her hand. She gave me her firmest grip, and I imagined she was protective of Maggie. It was a good quality to have. “I’ll give you guys a minute while I pack a bag for Beth.”

“Thanks again for taking her tonight. It makes my morning so much easier.” Maggie exhaled as she sat next to Beth. “My shifts are all over the place lately. I worked twelve to twelve yesterday, and now seven to seven tomorrow. I’m burning my candle at both ends.”

“I say call in sick tomorrow. Do something for you, Maggie. You deserve a break.” Cornelia walked past me and gave me a secret smile. “I’ll be right back. Beth, I’ll grab your book bag, too, Honey.”

As she left the room, my nerves spiked. I was beginning to reconsider this whole just showing up idea I’d had. She’d asked me to stay away, but the longer I tried, the more it became clear I wasn’t capable of staying away from Maggie. Her eyes were distant as they trained on the fireplace behind me. She was withdrawn, and I deserved the chilly reception. Beth, on the other hand, she was practically bouncing on the couch, her eyes on the bag in my hand. I had to give it to her. For a small child, she was very polite and patient. My lips spread involuntarily, and the warmth I felt just being here, for now, had to be enough.

I knelt down in front of Beth and handed her the bag. Maggie finally brought her gaze to mine when Beth squealed. The blue pools of Maggie’s eyes shimmered, and her full, pink lips pulled into a dimpled smile. The pressure in my chest lifted, and it took all my restraint not to touch her cheek like I would’ve if I hadn’t fucked up. I wanted her to feel me, to feel how much I missed her.

Beth’s gasp broke our stare.

“Mom! Look!”

The shiny necklace dangled carefully in the air as Beth held it up for display. The tiny honey bee charm swayed from the center of the silver rope.

“Ryan.” Maggie’s tone was breathless. “It’s perfect.” Her eyes spilled over with tears, and her lips trembled as she tried to reign in her reaction.

“May I?” I lifted my chin to the piece of jewelry in Beth’s hand, and she nodded appreciatively.

The silver felt fragile in my large hands as I struggled with the tiny clasp, but once it was secured around her neck, Beth jumped from the couch and hugged me. Her small arms wrapped around my neck and her face burrowed into my shoulder. I inhaled, and her scent of strawberries pulled into my lungs. Maggie watched with a smile, her cheeks were wet and she mouthed the words thank you. All the reservation I had… finally… finally disappeared. This was where I wanted to be. They were the ones I wanted in my life. This woman… this little girl… they were just as much mine as Belle had been, and as Beth pulled away and kissed my cheek, my heart nearly stopped. It wasn’t perfect, it sure as hell wasn’t what I ever expected, but it felt good. Beth crinkled her nose and wiped at her mouth with a giggle, and I laughed.

“What?” I asked, the humor in my tone magnified Maggie’s smile.

“Your beard is kind of gross.” Beth’s nose was wrinkled, and the corners of her lips danced as she fought a smile.

I laughed again and asked, “But you like the necklace, though? Right?”

“I’ll never take it off.” Beth brought her hand to the charm that sat a few inches from her neck. “Thank you.”

“I say a man who buys you jewelry is a keeper in my book,” Cornelia said, and I stood from my kneeling position.

“It looks like you got everything,” Maggie said as she stood as well.

“I packed it all. Beth, just grab your new blanket if you want to bring it.” Cornelia’s hands were full. She had a backpack and a knapsack balanced with a pillow and a large stuffed
Hulk
.

“You need a hand with that?” I offered.

“No, I’m a professional,” she said with a grin.

“Aww, Mom, I want to stay with you guys,” Beth whined, and Maggie laughed.

“It’s easier this way. Unless you want to stay and get up at the crack of dawn, I suggest you go have a sleepover with Mrs. Samson.”

Beth rolled her eyes and grabbed the blanket that was laying on the couch. She hugged her mom and seemed reluctant to let go. “Don’t worry, Bee, I have the next four days off after tomorrow.”

Beth gave me another thank you, and her smile was huge as she moved to leave.

“I’ll see you around eight tomorrow night?”

Maggie groaned. “Yup, hopefully no later. Thanks again. I really need the rest.”

“Anytime, I enjoy having her over. We have lots of fun and girl talk.” Cornelia ruffled the top of Beth’s head, and Beth giggled. “See you tomorrow, Maggie.”

“Bye, Mom. Love you.”

“Love you, too, Honey Bee.”

Cornelia opened the front door, and I wondered if maybe I should be leaving too. “I should let you get some sleep.”

Maggie shook her head. “No, it’s okay. I want to talk to you.” She smiled at Beth and blew her a kiss just as the door shut behind them.

She wanted to talk, and I had so much to say. I just hoped I actually had the fucking strength to get through it.

Maggie’s eyes found mine, and she wiped at the stray moisture from her cheeks. “I want full disclosure, Ryan, or you can just leave.” She exhaled sharply. “Sorry, that was—”

“Deserved.” I took a step toward her, and her posture stiffened. She was bracing herself already. My stomach churned. I’d give her full disclosure and then I’d leave with the small memories I had, knowing that at least I had tried, that I had given her the real me. I couldn’t expect more than that. “Maggie, I’m sorry.” I placed my hand on her shoulder and she relaxed.

Her eyes searched my face. “Who’s Belle?”

The name fell from her lips and the grip of each letter squeezed my throat. The tight pain took my breath away, and my breathing became erratic. Panic… it always consumed me. I swayed, and she grabbed my arm.

“Ryan?” The fear in her voice shook me.

I closed my eyes and shoved the anxiety down. My chest moved heavy with each breath. “She’s my daughter.”

The silence was profuse and substantial as I opened my eyes. Maggie’s cheeks were wet again with fresh tears. “Your daughter? You… you have—”

“She’s dead.” The two words tore me open again like they had the first time I ever uttered them. A sob escaped my chest, and my legs almost gave out. Those two fucking words had destroyed me for so long, but to see them hanging between Maggie and me, out in the open, it was a relief. I never wanted her to have to save me, but without knowing it, I’d let her throw me a line.

Maggie closed the distance between us, resting her head on my chest. The heat of her cheek and the dampness of her tears seeped through the white cotton.

“H-how?” she stuttered the word as she tried to catch her breath.

I brought my cheek to the top of her head and closed my eyes. The surroundings were too much of a reminder of my reality. If I shut my eyes and let the words be free, maybe I could live again. Maybe I could open my eyes, and this room wouldn’t feel so suffocating. “Belle was three years old when she died. She used to sleep walk, open doors. It was crazy. I never worried, though. She’d never left the house before.” I sucked in a ragged drag of air and continued as Maggie’s arms held me firmly in place. “The night she died, it had been raining, and it was the only time she’d ever gone outside while sleep walking. She was struck by a vehicle, killed instantly…” my voice was barely a whisper as I staved off the tension brewing in my gut, “…it was a hit and run.”

Maggie pulled back, and I opened my eyes as I lifted my head. She placed her hands, in
her
spot, just above my heart, and when her eyes found mine, they were filled with more than tears, more than sorrow, they were filled with the knowledge of loss. “Did they ever find—”

I nodded my head, and a small cry sounded from Maggie’s lips. “It was a drunk driver. But, that’s the messed up thing, Maggie. I don’t blame him.”

The crease between Maggie’s eyes deepened. “What do you mean?”

My hands moved to her waist. I needed to be close to her, to feel the security of her touch. Otherwise, my temper, my anger… it was combustible, and Maggie shouldn’t have to witness that. “I blame my ex-wife. She was having an affair with my best friend from the firehouse. She was fucking him that night, left the front door unlocked for him after I left for my shift.” I wanted to break something, and I realized my grasp on Maggie’s waist was too tight. I dropped my hands and turned away.

“Don’t shut down, please… please look at me.” Maggie pleaded and wound her arms around my body.

The side of her face rested on my back and her palms laid flat on my chest. My jaw ticked as I stared straight forward. The hold I had over my emotions began to slip and all the pain, the deep searing reality of what I’d done nearly choked me silent. Angry tears spilled down my cheeks as I tried to summon the strength to continue.

“I came home to tell her, to tell her what had happened to our baby girl. It was pouring, and I was soaked from the rain and Belle’s blood.” I choked down a sob. “The front door was left open, Maggie, wide fucking open, so when I pulled into the driveway, I grabbed my gun from the lock box in my car. I thought maybe an intruder could have been in the house, but instead, I found them… in our bed. I was already gone the minute I held Belle in my arms, but when I caught them, I’d lost any sense of right and wrong, and in the heat of the moment I pulled the trigger. I shot him.”

Maggie released me from her embrace, and as I turned to look at her, I was met with a fearful gaze. “You shot him?” I nodded, and she brought her shaking hands to her lips while the tears streamed down her cheeks. “Did… I mean… is he—”

“Dead? No.”

She exhaled.

“But I wish he was. I wish they both were, Maggie. I’d do life this time instead of ten years in prison. If I had a chance to go back and repeat that moment, I would’ve aimed lower. They killed my daughter.”

The fury I’d felt that night hadn’t diminished with time, but finally speaking the words, and letting her see the rotted wound of what I’d become—it was cathartic.