Safe Haven (21 page)

He had to get away from Amber. He didn’t know why he’d come, and as he stared at her, his stomach was in knots.

“Are you okay?” she asked.

“I shouldn’t be here,” he said. “I shouldn’t have come.”

“It’s a little late now,” she said.

“I have to go.”

“Just like that?”

“I’m married,” he said again.

“I know.” She gave a weary smile. “And it’s okay.”

“No, it’s not,” he said, and after getting dressed, he left her apartment and raced down the steps and jumped in his car. He drove fast but didn’t swerve because the guilt he felt was like a sharp tonic to his senses. He made it home and saw a light on at the Feldmans’ and he knew they would peek out their window as he pulled in his driveway. The Feldmans were bad neighbors and never waved at him and told kids to stay off their lawn. They would know what he’d done because they were bad people and he had done a bad thing and birds of a feather flocked together.

When he went inside, he needed a drink but the thought of vodka made him sick and his mind was racing. He’d cheated on his wife and the Bible says
His shame will never be erased
. He’d broken a commandment of God and broken his vow to Erin and he knew the truth would come out. Amber knew and Todd knew and the Feldmans knew and they’d tell someone who’d tell someone else and Erin would learn what he had done. He paced the living room, his breaths coming fast because he knew he wouldn’t be able to explain it to Erin in a way she would understand. She was his wife and she would never forgive him. She’d be angry and she’d tell him to sleep on the couch and in the morning she would look at him with disappointment because he was a sinner and she would never trust him again. He shivered, feeling nauseated. He slept with another woman and the Bible says
Have nothing to do with sexual sin, impurity, lust, and shameful desires
. It was all so confusing and he wanted to stop thinking but he couldn’t
.
He wanted to drink but he couldn’t and he had the feeling that Erin would suddenly appear at their doorstep.

The house was messy and dirty and Erin would know what he’d done, and even though his thoughts were jumbled, he knew those two things were linked. He paced the living room frantically. Dirty and cheating were linked because cheating was dirty and Erin would know that he’d cheated because the house was dirty, and the two of them went together. Suddenly, he stopped pacing and he strode to the kitchen and found a garbage bag beneath the sink. In the living room, he dropped to his knees and crawled around, filling it with empty takeout containers and magazines and plastic utensils and empty bottles of vodka and pizza boxes. It was well past midnight and he didn’t have to work in the morning, so he stayed awake cleaning the house and doing the dishes and running the vacuum that he’d bought for Erin. He cleaned so she wouldn’t know, because he knew that cheating and dirty went together. He put the dirty clothes in the washer and when they were done he dried them and folded them while other loads were washing and drying. The sun came up and he pulled the cushions from the sofa and vacuumed until all the crumbs were gone. As he worked, he glanced out the window, knowing Erin would be home any minute. He scrubbed the toilet and washed the food stains from the refrigerator and mopped the linoleum. Dawn turned to morning and then to late morning. He washed the sheets and opened the drapes and dusted the frame that held the photograph of their wedding day. He mowed the lawn and emptied the clippings in the garbage can and when he was done he went shopping and bought turkey and ham and Dijon mustard and fresh rye bread from the bakery. He bought flowers and set them on the table. He added candles. When he was finished he was breathing hard. He poured himself a tall, icy glass of vodka and sat at the kitchen table and waited for Erin. He was happy because he’d cleaned the house because it meant that Erin would never know what he’d done and they would have the kind of marriage he’d always wanted. They would trust each other and be happy and he would love her forever and never cheat on her again because why on earth would he ever do something as disgusting as that?

27

K
atie got her driver’s license in the second week of July. In the days leading up to her test, Alex had taken her driving regularly, and despite some pretest jitters, she’d passed with a nearly perfect score. The license arrived in the mail within a few days and when Katie opened the envelope, she felt almost dizzy. There was a photograph of her next to a name she’d never imagined having, but according to the state of North Carolina, she was as real as any other resident of the state.

That night, Alex took her to dinner in Wilmington. Afterward, they’d walked the downtown streets holding hands and browsing the shops. Every now and then, she saw Alex regarding her with amusement.

“What?” she finally demanded.

“I was just thinking that you don’t look like an Erin. You look like a Katie.”

“I should look like a Katie,” she said. “That’s my name and I’ve got a driver’s license to prove it.”

“I know you do,” he said. “Now all you need is a car.”

“Why do I need a car?” She shrugged. “It’s a small town and I’ve got a bike. And when it’s raining, there’s this guy who’s willing to drive me anywhere I need to go. It’s almost like having a chauffeur.”

“Really?”

“Uh-huh. And I’m pretty sure that if I asked, he’d even let me borrow his car. I have him wrapped around my little finger.”

Alex cocked an eyebrow. “He doesn’t sound like much of a man.”

“He’s all right,” she teased. “He seemed a little desperate in the beginning, what with all the freebies he gave me, but I eventually got used to it.”

“You have a heart of gold.”

“Obviously,” she said. “I’m pretty much one in a million.”

He laughed. “I’m beginning to think that you’re finally coming out of your shell and I’m beginning to glimpse the real you.”

She walked a few steps in silence. “You know the real me,” she said, stopping to peer up at him. “More than anyone else.”

“I know,” he said, pulling her toward him. “And that’s why I think that somehow we were meant to find each other.”

Though the store was as busy as ever, Alex took a vacation. It was his first in a while, and he spent most afternoons with Katie and the kids, relishing the lazy days of summer in a way he hadn’t since childhood. He fished with Josh and built dollhouses with Kristen; he took Katie to a jazz festival in Myrtle Beach. When the fireflies were out in force, they caught dozens with nets and put them in a jar; later that night, they watched the eerie glow with a mixture of wonder and fascination before Alex finally opened the lid.

They rode their bikes and went to the movies, and when Katie wasn’t working evenings, Alex liked to fire up the grill. The kids would eat and then swim in the creek until it was almost dark. After they’d showered and gone to bed, Alex would sit with Katie on the small dock out back, their legs dangling over the water, while the moon slowly traversed the sky. They sipped wine and talked about nothing important, but Alex grew to savor those quiet moments together.

Kristen particularly loved spending time with Katie. When the four of them were walking together, Kristen often reached for Katie’s hand; when she fell down in the playground, she’d begun to run to Katie. While it warmed Alex’s heart to see those things, he always felt a pang of sadness, too, because it reminded him that he could never be everything that his daughter needed, no matter how hard he tried. Still, when Kristen came running up to him and asked if Katie could take her shopping, Alex couldn’t say no. Though Alex made a point to take her shopping once or twice a year, he tended to view it more as a parental duty than an opportunity for fun. By contrast, Katie seemed delighted by the idea. After giving Katie some money, Alex handed her the keys to the jeep and waved from the parking lot as they left.

As happy as Katie’s presence had made Kristen, Josh’s feelings weren’t quite as obvious. The day before, Alex had picked him up from a friend’s swimming party, and he hadn’t said anything to either Katie or Alex the rest of the evening. Earlier, at the beach, he’d been subdued as well. Alex knew that something was bothering him and suggested that they get out their fishing poles, just as dusk was settling in. Shadows began to stretch across the blackened water and the creek was still, a darkened mirror reflecting the slowly drifting clouds.

They cast their lines for an hour while the sky turned violet, then indigo, the lures making circular ripples as they splashed into the water. Josh remained strangely quiet. At other times the tableau might have seemed peaceful, but now Alex had the nagging feeling that something was wrong. Just when he was about to ask Josh about it, however, his son half-swiveled in his direction.

“Hey, Dad?”

“Yeah?”

“Do you ever think about Mom?”

“All the time,” he said.

Josh nodded. “I think about her, too.”

“You should. She loved you very much. What do you think about?”

“I remember when she made us cookies. She let me put the frosting on.”

“I remember that. You had pink frosting all over your face. She took your picture. It’s still on the refrigerator.”

“I think that’s why I remember.” He propped the rod in his lap. “Do you miss her?”

“Of course I do. I loved her very much,” Alex said, holding Josh’s gaze. “What’s going on, Josh?”

“At the party yesterday…” Josh rubbed his nose, hesitating.

“What happened?”

“Most of the moms stayed the whole time. Talking and stuff.”

“I would have stayed if you wanted me to.”

Josh dropped his eyes, and in the silence, Alex suddenly knew what he hadn’t said. “I was supposed to stay, too, wasn’t I. Some parent-child thing.” His tone was more a statement than a question. “But you didn’t want to tell me because I would have been the only dad there, right?”

Josh nodded, looking guilty. “I don’t want you to be mad at me.”

Alex slipped an arm around his son. “I’m not mad,” he said.

“Are you sure?”

“I’m positive. I couldn’t be mad at you for that.”

“Do you think Mom would have gone? If she was still here?”

“Of course she would have. She wouldn’t have missed it.”

On the far side of the creek, a mullet jumped and the tiny ripples began moving toward them.

“What do you do when you go out with Miss Katie?” he asked.

Alex shifted slightly. “It’s kind of like what we did at the beach today. We eat and talk and maybe go for a walk.”

“You’ve been spending a lot of time with her lately.”

“Yes.”

Josh considered that. “What do you talk about?”

“Just regular stuff.” Alex tilted his head. “And we talk about you and your sister, too.”

“What do you say?”

“We talk about how much fun it is to spend time with you two, and how well you did in school, or how good you are at keeping your room clean.”

“Will you tell her that I didn’t tell you that you were supposed to stay at the party?”

“Do you want me to?”

“No,” he said.

“Then I won’t say anything.”

“Promise? Because I don’t want her to be mad at me.”

Alex raised his fingers. “Scout’s honor. But just so you know, she wouldn’t be mad at you even if I did. She thinks you’re a great kid.”

Josh sat up straighter and began reeling in his line. “Good,” he said. “Because I think she’s pretty great, too.”

The conversation with Josh kept Alex awake that night. He found himself studying the portrait of Carly in his bedroom as he sipped his third beer of the evening.

Kristen and Katie had returned to the house, full of energy and excitement as they showed him the clothes they’d purchased. Surprisingly, Katie had returned nearly half the money, saying only that she was pretty good at finding things on sale. Alex sat on the couch as Kristen modeled an outfit for him, only to vanish back into her bedroom before returning wearing something completely different. Even Josh, who ordinarily wouldn’t have cared in the slightest, set his Nintendo game aside, and when Kristen had left the room, he approached Katie.

“Could you take me shopping, too?” he asked, his voice barely above a whisper. “Because I need some new shirts and stuff.”

Afterward, Alex ordered Chinese food and they sat around the table, eating and laughing. At one point during dinner, Katie pulled a leather wristband from her purse and turned toward Josh. “I thought this was pretty cool-looking,” she said, handing it to Josh. His surprise gave way to pleasure as he put it on, and Alex noticed how Josh’s eyes continually flickered toward Katie for the rest of the evening.

Ironically, it was at times like tonight that he missed Carly most. Even though she’d never experienced nights like these as a family—the kids were too young when she died—he found it easy to imagine her being at the table.

Perhaps that was the reason he couldn’t sleep, long after Katie went home and Kristen and Josh were asleep in their beds. Tossing back the covers, he went to the closet and opened the safe he’d installed a few years earlier. In it were important financial and insurance documents, stacked beside treasures from his marriage. They were items that Carly had collected: photos from their honeymoon, a four-leaf clover they’d found while vacationing in Vancouver, the bouquet of peonies and calla lilies she’d carried on her wedding day, ultrasound images of Josh and Kristen while each was still in her womb, along with the outfits that each had worn on the way home from the hospital. Photo negatives and camera disks, chronicling their years together.

The articles were heavy with meaning and memories, and since Carly’s death, Alex had added nothing to the safe, except for the letters that Carly had written. One had been addressed to him. The second had no name on it, however, and it remained unopened. He couldn’t open it—a promise, after all, was a promise.

He pulled out the letter he’d read a hundred times, leaving the other in the safe. He’d known nothing about the letters until she’d handed the envelopes to him less than a week before she died. By that point, she was bedridden and could only sip liquids. When he carried her to the bathroom, she was light, as if somehow she’d been hollowed out. He spent her few waking hours sitting quietly beside her. Usually, she would fall asleep again within minutes, and Alex would stare at her, afraid to leave in case she needed him and afraid to stay in case he might rob her of rest. On the day she gave him the envelopes, he saw that they had been tucked into the blankets, appearing as if by magic. Only later would he learn that she’d written them two months earlier and her mom had been holding them.

Now, Alex opened the envelope and pulled out the much-handled letter. It was written on yellow legal paper. Bringing it to his nose, he was still able to discern the scent of the lotion she often wore. He remembered his surprise and the way her eyes pleaded with him for understanding.

“You want me to read this one first?” he remembered asking. He pointed to the one inscribed with his name and she nodded slightly. She relaxed as he pulled the letter out, her head sinking into the pillow.

My dearest Alex,

There are dreams that visit us and leave us fulfilled upon waking, there are dreams that make life worth living. You, my sweet husband, are that dream, and it saddens me to have to put into words the way I feel about you.

I’m writing this letter now, while I still can, and yet I’m not sure how to capture what I want to say. I’m not a writer, and words seem so inadequate right now. How can I describe how much I love you? Is it even possible to describe a love like that? I don’t know, but as I sit here with pen in hand, I know that I have to try.

I know you like to tell the story of how I played hard to get, but when I think back on the night we first met, I think I realized even then that we were meant to be together. I remember that night clearly, just as I can recall the exact sensation of your hand in mine, and every detail of the cloudy afternoon at the beach when you dropped to one knee and asked me to become your wife. Until you came along, I never knew how much I’d been missing. I never knew that a touch could be so meaningful or an expression so eloquent; I never knew that a kiss could literally take my breath away. You are, and always have been, everything I’ve always wanted in a husband. You’re kind and strong and caring and smart; you lift my spirits and you’re a better father than you know. You have a knack with children, a way of making them trust you, and I can’t express the joy it has brought me to see you holding them as they fall asleep on your shoulder.

My life is infinitely better for having you in it. And that’s what makes all of this so hard; it’s why I can’t seem to find the words I need. It scares me to know that all of this will be ending soon. I’m not simply scared for me, though—I’m scared for you and our children, too. It breaks my heart to know that I’m going to cause you all such grief, but I don’t know what I can do, other than to remind you of the reasons I fell in love with you in the first place and express my sorrow at hurting you and our beautiful children. It pains me to think that your love for me will also be the source of so much anguish.