Salvation (18 page)

I toyed with the idea of calling in sick but decided that would be a huge mistake. I couldn’t avoid Nate forever. He owned the fucking company, for God
’
s sake. I drank my coffee in silence staring vacantly at the wall. Then I took a long shower and spent forever deciding what to wear, having no real interest in doing any of it.

I didn’t even care when I locked the apartment at 8.45 a.m.
—
the time I typically arrived at work. I trudged down the stairs and out the door, double-checking my gym bag contents as I headed down the path towards my car. When I glanced up to see where I was going, the last person I expected to see was in front of me.
Nate.

My breath caught in my throat, my stomach lurched. Then my heart began to pound wildly.
What the hell was he doing here?

Leaning against the Mercedes, ankles and arms crossed, he stared at me, his face expressionless. Those big blue eyes, however, burnt with passion, hunger, need. Wasn’t he content with screwing me over once? Did he think he could commandeer me for another quick fuck before work?

For a long minute I glared at him, rubbing at the tightness in my chest whilst figuring out my next move. I was also irritated because even though I was mad, the rush I got from seeing Nate again caused me to feel unbalanced on my feet.

He pushed off the car and prowled towards me.
“
Kara.
”
The way he purred it so damn sexily got my attention. How his expression promptly altered, from unabashed lust to empathy, sorrow, even more so.

The dark shadows beneath his usually bright eyes made it clear he hadn’t had much sleep last night either. With us both dressed head-to-toe in black, our outfit choices reflected our sombre moods.

“
Why are you here?
”
I choked out. The unexplainable hold he had on me strengthened the closer he came. Nate waited until he was a few inches away before responding.

“
I came to talk.
”

I snickered.
“
You walking out yesterday means there
’
s nothing left to say.
”

“
Me walking
back
means I have plenty to say.
”

I scanned him up and down some more.
“
Sorry, but you wasted a journey.
”
I pushed past him, not interested in hearing his excuses. Nate grabbed my upper arm and urged me firmly against him. He smelt amazing.

“
Give me a chance to explain,
”
he implored. He may as well have shouted the words in my ear instead of whisper because the effect was the same. The softness rumbled through my chest and shook my soul.

“
I
’
m already late, I don
’
t have time to chat.
”

“
Get in the car, we can talk on the way.
”
Nate
’
s cautious eyes held mine, quietly pleading.

“
You
’
ve said enough.
”

He stood tall and lifted his chin.
“
We can do this here on the sidewalk or in private. Your choice. But either way, you
’
ll hear what I have to say.
”

My brow arched.
“
Where do you get off ordering me around?
”

He didn’t reply, merely waited. He wasn
’
t going to let this go until he
’
d said his piece, but I didn’t have time to stand and argue. I peered over his shoulder at the Mercedes. There was no way I would be arriving at work in his car with him, providing the workforce with enough gossip to last for weeks.
“
I
’
ll get in the car if you drop me a block away. I
’
ll walk in by myself.
”

Nate cocked his head.
“
Am I that embarrassing?
”

No! God no!
“
I don’t want everyone knowing I
’
ve fucked the boss.
”

Nate
’
s eyes widened. Then he leant closer.
“
We didn’t just
fuck
, Kara,
”
he snarled.

“
Didn
’
t we?
”
I stuttered, shaken by his menacing tone. It pained me to say it because I
’
d given myself to him wholeheartedly. Calling it a fuck didn’t convey the intensity in the slightest.

“
Don
’
t pretend what happened was merely a convenient interlude for both of us. As much as it was raw and passionate, it went far deeper than that, and you damn well know it.
”
He cupped my cheek, his voice softening.
“
We made love.
”

I looked into his eyes and that
’
s when I saw it. Our time together had affected him more than he
’
d wanted it to. I swallowed past the ache in my heart left by his fear as it fluttered in my chest.

“
Let me explain, Kara.
”

I gripped my car keys so firmly they dug into my hand.
“
After what you did yesterday, you
’
re lucky I
’
m even considering a lift.
”
I gave a nonchalant shrug and stared him in the eye.
“
Take it or leave it.
”
I sounded assured and in control, but never had I been so terrified of walking away from something in my life.

Nate
’
s eyes worked over mine fast, trying to read me. Eventually, he took a deep breath and sighed.
“
Fine.
”
He relinquished his grip of my arm and opened the rear door.
“
Now get in the fucking car.
”

It was a good ten minutes before either of us spoke. I had plenty and nothing to say, but Nate needed to go first. Ross raised the glass dividing screen so we had some privacy. After fumbling agitatedly with my two bags, I set them between us on the seat.

Nate promptly removed them, placing them by his feet. Then he angled his body towards me and took one of my hands.
“
I
’
m appalled by my behaviour yesterday. I know how big of a deal it was for you, and
—”

“
Clearly not that much of one for you,
”
I spat.

Nate winced.
“
I get you
’
re pissed off, and I deserve everything you have to throw at me, but let me speak before you start accusing me of things that aren
’
t true.
”

“
I was stupid enough to fall for a line,
”
I huffed, freeing my hand and crossing my arms.
“
I
’
m sure I wasn’t the first. I
’
m
certain
I won’t be the last.
”

“
None of it was a line. I meant every word, I still do. Sex has been straightforward lately.
”
Nate glanced up front to get his bearings, then checked his watch.
“
It’s the only way that
’
s worked. A fuck with no meaning.
”

“
Gee, thanks,
”
I muttered,
“
you make lousy apologies.
”

The half-smile lifting a corner of his mouth was his only reaction to my sarcasm. Nate reached for the few tendrils of hair hanging loose from my ponytail and stroked them off my face. I inhaled sharply at the intimacy before his hand went to rest on the seat back by my head.

Self-doubt flooded back into my thoughts. Stuart had broken an already fragile woman
—
I
’
d become a stranger to myself. I shuddered at the memory and turned to Nate. Yesterday,
he
’
d
shattered me again.

“
Was the reality of sleeping with me that disappointing? You clearly had high expectations of me. Didn’t I give you enough excitement? I mean, I know it
’
s been a while, but was it really that bad? Was I frigid and
—”

“
Christ, stop it!
”
Nate thumped the headrest in anger. I scrambled away to the corner in fear. His face was ravaged with fury.
“
I
hate
that I
’
ve made you think that way. Stop degrading yourself. You did
nothing
wrong, it was
—”

“
You?
”
I finished his sentence.

“
Yeah.
”
Nate let out a sigh of defeat and sagged back into the seat.
“
Me.
”

“
Wow.
”
I shook my head, disappointed and disillusioned.
“
And I thought that clich
é
was only used in films
…”

“
Is it the English reserve that makes you appear all shy and reticent? Because you
’
re not afraid to let me know how badly I
’
ve fucked up when it counts, are you?
”

Rolling my lower lip between my teeth, I raised my eyes to meet his. The tiny sparkle of amusement in them tugged a little smile to my mouth. Nate didn’t speak, watching me worry the ring on my finger; a nervous habit when I was agitated and upset.

“
I don
’
t like not having control,
”
Nate went on after a few minutes.
“
Of anything, but especially my emotions. They complicate things. You made me
—”
His jaw ticked as he shook his head.
“
I
’
d willingly lose control of everything, but there
’
s no way in hell I
’
m losing you.
”

What?
Hadn’t that already happened? I allowed Nate to watch me as I quietly worked over what he
’
d said. The man was giving me a headache.
“
You
’
re not making any sense.
”

“
I know,
”
he said softly, stroking my brow to ease the worry.
“
I lost count of the number of times I picked up the phone to apologise. I even drove back to your apartment and sat outside for hours.
”

Hearing Nate
’
s confession gave me hope.
“
Why didn’t you come up?
”
I asked quietly, reaching for his hand. I turned it palm up, and rubbed my thumb along the base of his long fingers that talked to me with their caresses.

“
I didn’t know what to say, how to make it right. I was too scared I
’
d fuck up again. I couldn
’
t risk that happening.
”

“
You could
’
ve brought me white tulips and begged for my forgiveness,
”
I suggested with a hint of humour.

Nate
’
s eyes flickered with surprise and joy.
“
You did your research?
”

I nodded.

“
Kara, I lay awake all night trying to understand how you
’
d gotten into my head so fast.
”
Both of Nate
’
s hands covered mine and squeezed gently.
“
I failed, in case you were wondering.
”

His arched brow made me smile. His worry had abated, but anguish still clouded his eyes.
“
I
’
ve
never
been so frightened by a feeling as I was when I gazed into your eyes as we made love.
”

My stomach flipped at the confirmation he
’
d felt it, too. I let my head fall back against the headrest and sighed. Was he scared of losing me or his own identity, the way I had when I tried conforming to another person
’
s idea of who I should be? I had to be strong but wasn
’
t sure if that meant giving us a chance or walking away.
“
You really hurt me, Nate.
”

“
I know.
”
Nate traced the shell of my ear, fingering the diamond stud in my lobe.
“
God, I know.
”
I felt his touch in my breasts when the shiver hardened my nipples against my bra. Then he leant closer and whispered,
“
I
’
ll do everything in my power to make it up to you. I need you to forgive me, Kara.
”
He stroked his nose along my jaw.
“
Please accept my lousy apology. For both of us.
”

This time I felt it in my heart. I massaged the twinge in my chest and took a deep breath, hoping to slow my racing heartbeat.

How could I want him as much as I did right now? After what he
’
d done? I must have a death wish because the only place I could see us heading was to a major crash and burn. Yet despite all Nate
’
s warnings, all my insecurities and driving need for commitment he knew I wanted, but we both feared wasn’t possible, I chose to grasp hold of the tiny bit of hope he
’
d offered me.
“
Is there an us?
”

“
I hope so, baby. I really hope so.
”

The car stopped and Ross stepped out. When I spotted the deli I often used for lunch I realised we were only a block from the office.
“
But I still want a proper relationship and you don’t,
”
I said, facing Nate as I unclipped my seat belt.

“
I
’
m not averse to the idea.
”
He waited a beat, then said,
“
If it
’
s with you.
”