Sanctity (26 page)

When we got home the driver
helped first Danielle and then me out.  We thanked him and
remembered the envelope Margaret had given us to cover the cost of
the limo and the tip for the driver.  Dani handed it to him
and took my elbow as she guided me inside.  Kaley was waiting
for me and Margaret was up as well.  She asked us about our
night and I prayed Danielle registered my 
don’t say a word
 squeeze.

“Best night ever!!”  She chirped.

“We had a great time, Aunt Margaret, thank
you for everything.”

Dani stifled a yawn and muttered how sleepy
she was, “Me too,” I concurred and we trudged upstairs to get ready
for bed.  I hastily changed out of my dress and into some
lounge pants and top.  I decided to take Kaley for a quick
walk.

“I’ll be right back,” I held the leash up
for Margaret.

“OK, I’m heading up to bed myself.”

I took Kaley to the greenway and back and
gave her a good night hug.  Margaret had gone to bed just as
she had said she would.  I popped open Danielle’s door to say
goodnight but her snores greeted me and I quietly snuck away. 
When I got to my room I noticed the window was open and wondered if
Margaret was airing my room for me.  I stepped over to close
it but stopped midstride.

Michael was sitting on the edge of the bed
opposite me with his head in his hands.  “Elayna, I think
tonight may have been a mistake.”

“Oh, God, no,” I fell to my knees.  I
felt like I was about to lose my insides as he gathered me
close.

“You are my whole world Elayna, the only
reason I am still here, still alive,” he started to explain. 
“It’s just not the right time for us; you must know that, surely
you feel the truth of it.  You are so young; there is still so
much you need to do.  I can’t keep that from you, I can’t keep
you from living a normal life.”

“Well, you’ve done that already, now haven’t
you?!”  My sorrow was quickly replaced by anger as I reflected
on all the times he had slipped into and out of my life.  I
thought about my family; my mother and father, whose memories he
tucked away into a corner of my mind where I couldn’t retrieve
them.  I thought about Victor and how Michael’s preoccupation
with me brought about Victor’s wrath and my family’s
demise. 

All the little walls were crumbling and
everything was coming back to me.  I was so angry and so
resentful.  “How could you do this to me, how could you make
me love you after,” I was sobbing uncontrollably. 

“I love you,” he said simply enough. 
“I shouldn’t have, I knew I shouldn’t have.  After…After
Victor…I couldn’t stop myself.  I was so different after he
did this to me.”  He held me even tighter to his chest, “I
didn’t make you love me, though.  I wanted you to, yes, I
have always wanted you to love me but I never made you.  When
you were a little girl, that night I came to you.  You were so
brave and you shared your story with me.  You comforted me and
made me feel as though I could be forgiven for all that I had
done.  You gave me the courage to resist, the strength to live
with restriction even though you never realized you were doing
it.  When you held me I could feel your little heart beating
against mine.  You were so good and trusting and your
convictions were so strong.  Then I wanted you to love me, I
could think of nothing else but wanting to be worthy of your love
from that day to this.  I am guilty of that and of hoping,
knowing the woman you would become that if I was patient, if I
waited you would love me, too.  If you do, I swear, it is
because you want to and not because I made you.  It doesn’t
work like that. Not for you.”

“How can I possibly believe you?  I
know what you are capable of; I’ve seen what you are capable
of!”

“No, no, not with you, not since, not
since,” he was shaking with the effort to express himself, “not
since the first time, when we met, at the fountain, all those years
ago.  Elayna, when I didn’t…” he paused, breathed deeply,
“something happened that day.  It always happened, somehow I
would feel,” he searched for the word, “attached to the person I
planned to…” another deep sigh, “take.  But when I didn’t, I
couldn’t take you, that link, that bond, whatever it is, it was
never broken.  I can’t force anything on you.   I
haven’t been able to, not since then.  Not without hurting
you,” he cautiously added.  He was putting images in my mind,
giving me back the memories of that long forgotten night.  It
was not just my memories though; he was sharing his own, showing me
his fears and regrets from the same events but through his
eyes. 

I could see the anguish in his expression,
his eyes glistening in the dark and I knew he was telling the
truth.  “I’m sorry Michael.  I just… I’m so angry because
I can’t bear the thought of losing you again.”

“I know, I can’t stand it either.  But
Elayna, you can’t imagine what you’d be missing, there is so much
for you to look forward to; college, career, marriage, a
family.  You don’t understand what you’d be giving up.”

“I’m not sure I want those things if I can’t
share them with you.” 

“You wanted them before tonight, if I hadn’t
needed to see you, if you hadn’t remembered me, you’d want them
now.”

“I’d want them, yes, but you know Michael,
there has never been anyone else, I’ve never been able to care for
anyone the way I care for you.  I’m not sure that I can.”

He lifted me up and sat down on the bed with
me on his lap.  I used my cuff to wipe away his tears as I
kissed his cheeks and brow.  I tried a sympathetic smile and
put a gentle kiss on his lips.  As it lingered the tension
between us melted away.  I started to pull back but he held me
tighter and any semblance of reluctance was futile.  There was
no madness this time, just a gentle controlled exploration of one
another, a complete and emotional exchange of affection.

“Why did you come back Michael, why
tonight?”

He shook his head and nervously laughed,
“It’s a little ridiculous.”

“Try me,” I said as we lay together my head
on his chest, his arm curled around my shoulder.

“I wanted to see you and I came by one night
with that intention but I lost my nerve and couldn’t face my
mother.  Then, I had a dream,” he sounded reflective as he
tried to recall it.   My heart skipped a beat and I had
an intuitive feeling of what he was about to say, “I saw you
walking Kaley.  She had gotten away from you somehow and she
ran to me, nearly knocked me over.  As you came to me, she lay
down at my feet and I took you in my arms,” I trembled as I
recognized the sequence of events. “I kissed you, here,” he
caressed my collarbone, “and when I looked up, Victor was standing
near the end of your driveway.  That is all I remember but
afterwards, I just needed to know that you were safe.”

“I came as quickly as I
could.  I did visit my mother the day you were biking with
Charlie.  She told me you had an 
episode
 she called it, the very
same night.  Kaley woke her and she found you passed out in
the hallway, you said you had a headache and were trying to make it
to the bathroom but you exerted yourself too much and blacked
out.”

“I didn’t remember any of that at the time
but Michael, the dream, I had the same dream too, though there was
more to it than that.  Victor, he pointed at you and he said
“I haven’t forgotten.”  What does that mean Michael?”

“It was just a dream, we,” he kissed my
temple, “we shared a dream that is all,” he didn’t sound
convincing.  “Are you sleepy,” suddenly I was very sleepy, my
eyes heavy, my body relaxed.

“Wait, no, I know what you’re doing
Michael!  Please don’t.  Not yet.”

“It’s safer Elayna, safer for you to be
Lily.  I can’t be in your thoughts.”

“No!  You can’t keep taking this away
from me, you have no right!  I won’t let you!”  I tried
to rise up, to run away but he quickly blocked my escape.  He
held me to his chest as I vainly attempted to push him away from me
and tried to shut my mind to him.

“Please don’t fight me,” he coaxed. 
“It has to be this way.  I don’t want to hurt you but if you
won’t let me, if you force me to do this it will.”

I looked up and saw how grief stricken he
was.  He took my face in his hands and brushed the tears from
my cheeks with his thumbs. 

I sighed and clenched my jaw and tried to
force a wall up around my mind, “I love you,” I said believing that
he was lying and would never hurt me. 

“Elayna, please, don’t make me do this.”

I was trembling and begging, pleading with
my eyes for him not to take my memories again.  As I closed my
mind to him Michael seized me by the shoulders and in an instant he
was not Michael, the man I loved but someone else, something
else.  I was paralyzed as he sunk into my neck. 
Instantly I understood why he was so angry with me.  He was
afraid of what he would become if I was not with him, reminding
him, helping him to be strong.  I saw Brenda from the ballet
and the horror he felt at what he had done to her all those years
ago when I left him.

“Oh, what have I done?  I’m sorry
Michael, it’s my fault,” I whispered, “I’m sorry, I love you, come
back, oh, please come back.”

It seemed too late, though, our connection,
it was unwinding, faster and faster, leaving me and tangling itself
around Michael.  I imagined myself grabbing it and pulling it
back but it was slipping and I was slipping, falling into some
unimaginably deep abyss.

“Michael,” I faintly heard someone scream as
the door burst open.  A massive bundle of fur toppled us,
growling and snapping at Michael.  Kaley had his arm in a
death grip and was yanking him away from me.

He let go of my shoulders and I fell to the
floor.  Michael turned in instant awareness and surveyed the
damage that he had done.

“Mother, I,” he sunk to his knees.

Margaret rushed to where I
was laying and checked my pulse and my breathing.  “She’s
still alive, oh, thank God, she is still alive.  Go,
Michael, 
go
!!”

He didn’t know what to do.  He crawled
to where Margaret and I were sprawled on the floor.  She was
looking at him with tears streaming down her face, “Michael, you
have to go, now!!”

He took his fingertip and made a little
gnash in it.  He smoothed a drop of blood over the punctures
in my neck and they immediately begin to heal and seal themselves
back up.  He absently wiped the blood away. 

Margaret was awestruck and helplessly
watched until Michael tried to put his fingertip to my lips. 
“No,” she shouted and grabbed his wrist.   “I won’t let
you!  She’s had enough of you!!”

Michael drew away from us and before anyone
could see in which direction he went he was gone.

Margaret looked up and saw Danielle standing
in the doorway.  She motioned her to come in.  “Please
help me get her to bed.”

“I heard Kaley, what happened?”

Margaret tried to hide her fear and wondered
how much Dani might have seen or heard, “Kaley was just trying to
wake me; she was worried about Lily.  Sometimes Lily gets
migraines, some residual damage from the crash and if she exerts
herself, she blacks out.” 

Danielle nodded, “Oh, how sad,” she was
clearly satisfied with the explanation. 

They piled me into bed and Margaret tucked
the covers all around me.  “She’ll be alright Danielle, she
just needs to rest.”

Danielle was staring at me in concern, “She
never told me,” she said.

“I don’t think she remembers, once she comes
to it’s like it never happened and she is completely unaware.”

“Wow,” Danielle shook her head in
disbelief.  “I’m so sorry Margaret, I feel so badly for her
now.”

“Don’t, please, it will only upset her. 
I have tried to give her a good life, a happy life, not a life
of pity and regret.”

“I understand,” Dani said and reached out to
squeeze Margaret’s hand.

“Here, let’s let her rest,” Margaret urged
Danielle to the door and called to Kaley.  Kaley was defiant
and made it clear that she was not going anywhere.

“Very well,” she closed the door and dropped
Dani at her bedroom.  “I’ll take you home in the morning; she
will most likely sleep through the day.  When she is feeling
better I’ll have her call you but please remember not to talk about
this, not to Lily, not to anyone.”

“Yes, Mrs. Donovan.”

“Thank you Danielle, you’re a good
friend.”

I slept for two days in a fitful state,
sometimes half awake, sometimes half asleep, always frightened and
always heartbroken.  Margaret checked on me every few hours,
she would try to soothe me and forced me to take sips of water or
juice.  Occasionally she would notice the fresh tears that
were drying on my cheeks and she would just sit beside me stroking
my hair while whispering her apologies to me.  I didn’t know
what she was sorry for, other than that I felt so badly and there
seemed very little she could do.

By Monday evening Margaret was ready to try
and get a doctor to make a house call but when she came to check on
me she noticed that I was sleeping soundly; my color looked fresh,
the dark circles around my eyes fading and I had a somewhat relaxed
and peaceful expression of rest on my face.

“Oh, Lily, thank goodness,” she sighed and
left the room happy and though not free from worry, decidedly less
fearful.

When I woke up Tuesday morning I tossed back
the covers and questioned why I was still in bed.  I believed
it was Sunday morning and when I glanced at my clock it said
10:47.  I couldn’t imagine that I slept so late especially
since we napped before the formal and really didn’t stay out all
that late.  I felt a little disoriented and a bit woozy as
well.  I sat up and wondered if Danielle was awake and whether
Margaret had made her breakfast and kept her company while I
slept.