Sapphire Beautiful (18 page)

“Better?” Dante’s voice is still filled with concern.

“A little.”

“Do you think it’s the flu?” he asks.

I shake my head. “I never get sick. I haven’t thrown up since I was a kid.”

“Are you sure you want to go to work?”

“I have to go. There’s a difference.”

“Text me if you need anything. I can be at your office in two minutes.”

“I will.”

“Promise?”

“I promise.”

“Y
ou don’t look good,” Lucy states as she enters my office.

She carrying two cups of coffee, which would normally delight me, but right now the smell is making me sick.

“Take it away,” I tell her then put my hand over my mouth to keep myself from throwing up.

“Take what away?” She sounds genuinely confused.

“The coffee. Please take it out of my office.”

“Sure.”

She exits my office and reenters a few seconds later sans coffee. “What was that all about?”

“I’m sick,” I tell her. “The smell of the coffee makes me want to throw up.”

She frowns. “Seriously?”

I nod. “Seriously.”

“But you love coffee.”

“I know. And I’m starting to get a headache from caffeine withdrawal. But I don’t want to vomit again. I did enough of that this morning.”

“You’re never sick.”

“Thank you for stating the obvious.”

“Did you try eating crackers?” she asks.

“I had some biscuits and tea this morning.”

“Did it help?”

I nod.

“Try eating some crackers again,” she instructs.

I rummage around in my desk drawer until I happen upon a stash of Ritz crackers I keep as an emergency snack for those few days right before my period when I tend to get famished.

Then it hits me that I haven’t had my period yet. It’s not something that I keep very close track of because I can’t get pregnant, but just then it occurs to me that the last time I had a period was right before I met Dante.

That was two months ago.

Lucy and I both stare at each other for a long moment. Then she closes my office door behind her and sits down.

As I nibble on a Ritz cracker it does seem to settle my stomach again.

Then tension in the air between us grows thick, but neither one of us says what we’re thinking, even though it’s pretty obvious to both of us that we’re thinking the same thing.

Finally Lucy says, “Is there any possibility you might be pregnant?”

Even as I shake my head deep down in my heart I think she might be right. 

“You’ve been dating your mystery man for—what— two months now. I’m sure the two of you have been having sex.” She raises a questioning eyebrow at me.

“Of course we’ve been having sex. A lot.”

“Do you use protection?”

I heave a sigh. “You know I can’t get pregnant.”

“You couldn’t get pregnant with Doug. Maybe the problem was with his swimmers and you just didn’t know it.”

“The doctor told me that it wasn’t possible for me to conceive.”

“Doctors make mistakes. It happens all the time. That’s why there are malpractice attorneys. A lot of them.” 

I place my head in my hands. “Oh, God...”

“We’ll go to the drug store at lunch and get a pregnancy test, okay?”

When I look up at her I’m blinking back tears. “I’m applying for tenure. I can’t be pregnant.”

“You put your application in next month. If you are pregnant I doubt you’ll be showing by then. You probably won’t pop out until long after the tenure committee makes its decision.”

“Oh, God...” I say again. “This can’t be happening. There’s no way I’m pregnant.”

“We’ll find out for sure at lunch.”

I’m surprised when Lucy takes my hand in hers. She’s not the nurturing type and rarely shows any physical affection, even to the people closest to her. “Does he love you?”

That’s when I lose it. Tears start to stream down my face. “I’m fucked.”

“If you are pregnant, I would say that’s accurate. You have been fucked.”

“You don’t understand.” I swipe at the tears rolling down my face. “He’s a student in our department.”

Her jaw drops. I can see the wheels spinning as she tries to figure out which student I could possibly be fucking.

“It’s Dante McNally.”

“Wow.” She blinks a few times clearly shocked. “I didn’t see that coming. I would have been willing to bet money that you were screwing around with Andrew.”

“You can see my dilemma.”

“First let’s figure out if you really are pregnant and we’ll take it from there.” She rises from her chair. “Meet me at my office at noon. We’ll walk over to the pharmacy on the south corner of campus.”

***

T
he sleeve of Ritz crackers I slipped into my book bag was the only thing that kept me from getting sick during my first class. Luckily most of the students were Snap Chatting or whatever it is that students do on their phones these days, and for once I did nothing to stop them.

Lucy is waiting patiently next to her office when I arrive.

“Let’s roll,” she says as soon as she spots me.

“This could just be the flu, right?” I say as we head toward the drug store.

“Sure, because you get the flu so often. And how old were you the last time you threw up?”

“Six.”

She rolls her eyes at me. “It’s definitely the flu and not morning sickness.”

“Funny. And why do they call it morning sickness if it lasts all day? It’s afternoon and I still feel like I want to puke.” 

“Cracker,” she reminds me.

Luckily the drug store is practically deserted when we enter. The last thing I want to do is run into a student while I’m buying a pregnancy test.

The place is tiny, and there are only a few brands in stock, so I pick the Big Blue Stick because it seems the most obvious. If the stick turns blue when you pee on it you’re pregnant.

“Do you have a restroom?” I ask the young woman at the registers as she rings up my purchase.

She nods and points to the back of the store.

“You want to do it here?” Lucy whispers to me.

“Oh yeah.”

The bathroom is small with just two stalls. I take one and Lucy takes the other. It takes me a few moments to read the directions and get the Big Blue Stick out of the box and in position.

Once I pee on the stick I hold my breath while I wait for the results.

“I’m waiting,” Lucy calls from the next stall.

“This is science,” I reply. “It takes time.”

When the Big Blue Stick really does turn blue I let out the breath I’d been holding.

I’m pregnant. And Dante’s the father.

“Still waiting,” I hear from the next stall.

When I shove the Big Blue Stick under the stall wall Lucy grabs it.

“Wow,” she exclaims.

“I know.”

“What now?” she asks.

“I was hoping you could tell me.”

***

T
he rest of the day is a complete blur. I drop into another drug store on the way home and purchase ten additional pregnancy tests just in case.

I’m obviously still having a difficult time coming to terms with the idea that I’m pregnant.

When I get home I pee on ten more sticks and every one of them turns blue. I take all my sticks with me and toss them onto my bed, sit in the middle of them, and cry my eyes out.

The only thing that interrupts my cryfest is Dante’s voice when he gets home. I’ve been dreading telling him because I have no idea how he’s going to react. He’s only twenty-two. I feel like I’m ruining his life before it’s even started.

“Where are you?” Dante calls from downstairs.

“Up here,” I yell back.

“Are you still sick?” I hear him hurry up the stairs.

He furrows his brow when he enters the room. “What’s going on?” He looks at the Big Blue Sticks strewn all over the bed. “What are those?”

“Pregnancy tests. They’re all positive. Every one of them.”

“Where did you get them?”

“The drug store.”

“I mean where did the positive tests come from?”

It occurs to me that he thinks they’re someone else’s tests.

“I peed on them, Dante. Every one of them. They’re my tests. I’m pregnant.”

It takes several seconds for this to sink in. “Oh, my God,” he whispers.

My stomach knots as I wait for him to continue.

Then he looks at me. “You’re having my baby?”

“I’m sorry.”

He sits down on the bed with me and takes me into his arms. “Why are you sorry?”

“I didn’t think I could ever get pregnant, so I didn’t use birth control. And now I am pregnant. We’re not even married. We’ve only been together a few months. I feel like this is going to ruin your life. You’re only twenty-two.”

“Aren’t you happy?”

“I’m freaking out. I’m still in shock. I have no idea how this happened.”

“I know how it happened. We had sex. A lot.”

“I mean biologically. The doctor told me I couldn’t conceive.”

He places a soft kiss on my lips. “I want to marry you.”

“No.” I shake my head. “You don’t have to do that. You just started graduate school.”

“I know I don’t have to. I want to. I want to be with you. I want to be with our baby. I want us to be a family.”

I rub my temples. “I just need some time to think.”

He picks up one of the Big Blue Sticks and stares at it for a few moments. “My baby is having a baby.”

“I’m going to see if I can get an appointment to see the doctor tomorrow afternoon after class.”

“I’m coming with you,” Dante says without hesitation.

“You don’t have to do that. I know you have a lot on your plate.”

“I’m coming with you,” he repeats. He sounds adamant.

“Okay, fine.”

“Good.

As he slides to the back of the bed and rests his back against the headboard he takes me with him so I’m between his legs resting my back on his chest. Then he puts his arms around me and pulls me tight like I’m in a Dante cocoon. “I’m going to take care of you, Mary. And I’m going to take care of our baby.”

It’s a wonderful sentiment for the fantasy world we’ve built inside of my townhouse, but I have no idea how that would work in the real world.

***

L
uckily when I phone my doctor’s office first thing in the morning they are able to squeeze me in at four o’clock. I think his assistant heard the urgency in my voice.

Today I’m armed with a huge thermos of ginger tea and enough crackers to feed two large kindergarten classes. Stuffing my face with crackers before I even got out of bed staved off the vomiting this morning. I hope they will do the trick for the rest of the day.

For the first time in my life I have dark circles under my eyes. I don’t feel like I slept more than I few minutes the entire night. My mind was racing with all kinds of wild and random thoughts. Fortunately I have three nieces and I’ve been intimately involved in all aspects of their lives, even when they were still in the womb. Maybe my awareness of how much work and sacrifice it takes to raise a child is making me even more anxious. 

I don’t have the luxury of the first-child-ignorance-is-bliss feeling that Dante seems to have.

There’s no doubt that he’s brilliant. Everyone is right about that. And he’s a loving, caring and kind person with a huge heart. But in some ways he’s still like a child himself.

I know it’s not fair for me to force him into such a huge responsibility at such a young age.

And what will his parents say? I have no doubt they’ll blame me for ruining his life. His siblings already thought I was some gold digging slut who was trying to trap him into marrying me. This will just confirm their suspicions.

And what about my tenure application? And the not-so-small fact that he’s still a student in my department, the recipient of the prestigious graduate research fellowship. Talk about scandals. The press would have a field day with that one. I can just imagine the headlines.

Then there’s Claudia. What am I going to tell Claudia? On a positive note she’ll probably kill me. That that would solve every one of my other problems.

I’m already exhausted by the time I reach my office and the day hasn’t even started yet.

When I see Andrew marching down the hallway with two cups of coffee I try to duck into my office, but he’s too quick for me. The smell of the coffee is already making me gag as he approaches.

I hold up a hand. “I can’t take that.” Then I cover my nose with my palm.

Andrew’s nose scrunches and I can tell he’s confused. In the five years we’ve been working together I’ve never refused a cup of coffee. Just the opposite. I’ve always made him feel like he was a savior bringing me much needed sustenance.

“Just get rid of it,” I plead. I feel like I’m going to barf.

“Sure,” he replies, concern in his voice.

He tosses the two cups of coffee in the trash and turns back toward me. “Are you okay?”

I shake my head. “I feel like I’m going to throw up.”

“Do you want to sit down?”

As I head into my office I’m disappointed that Andrew follows me. I was hoping he’d leave me alone and let me be nauseated in peace.

“Do you have the flu?” he asks, keeping his distance from me. “Maybe you should go home.”

I shake my head. “I can assure you what I have is not contagious.”

His features soften as he takes a seat. Then he leans in close and whispers, “Is it cancer?”

It takes me a moment to process his question. Did he really just ask me if I have cancer? “What would lead you to that conclusion?”

“You’re nauseated.”

“I’m not having chemo. I’m pregnant.”

His eyebrows shoot up to his hairline.

“How do you think the tenure committee will take news like that?” I ask him.

“It shouldn’t matter one bit. The university cannot discriminate due to any medical condition. And I would think being a pregnant widow would evoke a lot of sympathy.”

It occurs to me that he might believe that Doug is the father of my child. I realize Andrew and his wife never had children, but for someone who is a brilliant scholar he doesn’t seem to know a lot about biology.

“Just so we’re clear. Generally speaking women only experience morning sickness in their first trimester.”