Sara's Soul (4 page)

“It’s okay,” he said softly, stroking her hair. “Everything will be all right.”

As he said those words, Sara almost believed him. But her life experiences told her otherwise. Nothing was ever okay for her. Death was all there was.

“I really have to go,” she said again, wiping her eyes. Without thinking, the words left her mouth: “And Chip, I’m so sorry about your mom. I know you loved her very much. That was terrible what that man did to her.”

She kissed him on the cheek and turned to leave.

“Wait… Sara… How do you know about my mom? I never even mentioned her.”

Uh-oh.
Why did I say that? Here we go again,
Sara thought nervously.

“Trust me, you don’t want to know,” she answered.

“C’mon now, Sara. You can’t go saying things about my mother and not fill me in. That’s not fair.”

If this was goodbye, Sara really didn’t have anything else to lose. Except maybe his respect. Or his love. But she never really had that anyway. Though she felt connected to him, in reality he was nothing more than a sexy stranger. What did it matter what he thought?

“Please don’t hate me or think I’m crazy,” she said.

“I would never do that,” he said, putting his arm around her.

“I’m… well… you know… psychic.”

“I thought so,” he said matter-of-factly.

“You mean, you’re not scared off by that?” she asked, raising an eyebrow.

“No,” he said calmly. “I’m used to that stuff. I’ll tell you a little secret now.”

He leaned in close and put his mouth to her ear. She shivered as she felt his breath on her neck. “I talk to dead people,” he whispered. “Or rather they talk to me.”

“Oh?”

“I have a guardian angel named Connor who has been watching over me since before my mom died,” he continued quietly. “My mom visits me sometimes, too.”

“I’m a scientist,” Sara said. “I don’t believe in life after death.”

Chip looked at her with a puzzled expression. “What? How can you not believe in it? You’re psychic. I thought that came with the territory. Don’t you have encounters with spirits and angels, too?”

“No, actually, I don’t,” she answered bluntly. “I’m not that kind of psychic. My only encounters are with death. I see how people died, and I feel their pain. Then the visions end. There’s never anything more, so I have no reason to believe our spirits live on.”

“Oh, Sara,” Chip said, his eyes filling with tears. “That’s so unfortunate. No wonder why you’re so sad. Please let me help you.”

“I don’t know if you can. I don’t know if anyone can,” she said quietly.

“Well, maybe if I could help you see what I see or communicate with spirits, then you would know the beauty of the afterlife,” Chip said hopefully. “That would make seeing visions of death not so awful.”

“I suppose,” she said. “But I’ve never seen or heard a spirit. How do you know what you’ve experienced isn’t just your imagination? It could be a dream or wishful thinking.”

Chip paused, reflecting on her question. “I can’t answer that for you,” he said. “No matter how much I try to convince you, it’s almost impossible to believe one hundred percent until you experience it for yourself. When you do, you’ll know for sure.”

“You mean,
if
I do,” Sara said.

“C’mon now. Have some faith,” Chip said, patting her on the back. “Surely, you must know something about mediumship. Seeing how people died is all part of it. So tell me what you know, and I’ll see if I can help fill in the missing pieces.”

“Well, my mother claimed to communicate with spirits. She was psychic, too,” Sara said. “But she died when I was a teenager. I never saw what she saw. All I see is death. It follows me everywhere. No matter how hard I try, I can never escape it.”

“No one can escape death, Sara. It’s a part of life. What helps is knowing what awaits afterward. That and enjoying your life here. Maybe we can work on that.”

He winked at her and then smiled with a sexy, enticing grin as he wrapped his arms around her again. This guy couldn’t keep his hands off her. Normally, that would make Sara very uncomfortable, but she welcomed his touch as if he were already hers. Sensing her acceptance, Chip leaned in and gave her a tender, passionate kiss. Sara pulled away abruptly.

“I can’t do this,” she said. Somehow this man who was unknown to her before that morning felt important to her. It felt perfectly natural to be with him, and that scared Sara. She feared that things would end badly. Her depression always got the best of her.

“Do what?” Chip asked. “You don’t have to do anything. Just let nature take its course. See what happens.”

He again wrapped his arms around her, this time kissing her softly on the forehead. He then gently stroked her hair and whispered in her ear. “Haven’t you ever heard of fate? I know you feel something, too.”

Her knees grew weak. Sara felt torn between running away from him and clinging to him for life. “It doesn’t matter what I feel,” she said. “You can’t save me. I’m already lost.”

Chip gazed into her eyes like he was searching for something. Sara was careful not to give him any indication that she wanted or expected anything from him. She didn’t want a therapist. She didn’t want to listen to his psycho babble. She just wanted out. She wanted the pain to go away. Not even Chip could make that happen. But still he stood there, quietly staring at her. Making her feel naked, vulnerable, exposed. He knew her secret. She had told him. But he didn’t know her. He didn’t know what she was thinking. He didn’t know that she felt so sad, yet still desperately longed for his touch. He couldn’t possibly realize that if he kissed her again, there would be no turning back. Sara would never be able to let him go, and he would one day suffer just as she had.

“I know,” he said.

His words startled her. Sara felt like he had peered into her soul. “You know what?” she asked.

“I know you feel lost and alone,” he replied. “But you’re wrong about one thing: I can save you. I already have.”

And with that, he leaned in again and kissed her with a passion that Sara had never known. Her body felt limp, and she fell into his arms, tears streaming down her face.

“I don’t want to hurt you,” she sobbed. “I don’t want you to suffer.”

“Well,” he said. “I just have one question then. How do you feel about me, Sara?”

Sara wiped streaks of mascara from her face with the back of her hand and looked up at him. “What? How should I know?” she lied. “We just met.”

“Just answer the question.”

“I can’t believe you’re even asking me that.”

“Okay. Fair enough. So let me speak first then,” he said. “When I walked into Starbucks today, I wasn’t looking to meet a woman. I was just grabbing a coffee. I had planned to turn on my laptop and work on my thesis. I had no interest or desire in mingling or picking up chicks. I’m a busy man. I don’t have a lot of time for dating.”

“Then why waste your time with me?” Sara asked.

“That’s just it. I don’t feel like I’m wasting my time. When I touched your hand, it was like a bolt of lightning came down from the sky and jump-started my heart. I feel something for you that I’ve never felt for anyone. I can’t explain it, but it’s powerful.”

“Okay. Go on,” she urged.

“I just want to know if you feel the same way. ’Cause I have a suspicion you do. So, do you, Sara?”

Sara looked down at the sidewalk, struggling to find the right words. “I… I… dammit.” She stomped her foot in frustration.

“It’s okay, Sara,” he said. “I don’t want to pressure you. You don’t have to answer me.”

“I do,” she said. “I mean… I do feel the same way. But I’m depressed. And miserable. And I have no business getting into a relationship.”

“But?”

“But I’m drawn to you. Don’t ask me how or why. I just am.”

“Then let me in,” he said. “Give me a chance.”

Chip put his arm around Sara, and they stood on the sidewalk just holding each other. It felt good to be in his arms. Sara never wanted the moment to end. Unfortunately, like most of her happy moments, it did.

A horn honked on the street in front of Starbucks, jolting them back to their surroundings. “Hey, Chip,” a guy around the same age called. “I’m heading to campus. You wanna ride?”

“Sure, buddy,” Chip answered. “Thanks.”

Sara followed Chip to the car and he gave her another quick kiss. Chip pulled a small notebook and pen out of his briefcase and scribbled his phone number on it. He then gave the pad to Sara and she did the same.

“I’ll call you soon,” he whispered in her ear.

She smiled and nodded.

“Oh, by the way,” Chip said to his friend. “This is Sara.”

“Nice to meet you, Sara,” the guy said. “You never told me you had a girlfriend, Chip.”

Chip shrugged his shoulders and smirked, then got into the car.

“Bye,” Sara called after him.

“Bye, beautiful. I will see you soon.”

Sara walked back toward home. She was in an unfamiliar daze all the way through town. The curtain of despair had lifted, and all she could think about now was Chip—how safe and loved she felt with him. She pictured his beautiful calming eyes and charming smile. She could still almost feel his kiss and his embrace. There was something really special about this man. It was like she had been waiting her whole life to meet him. Could he really help her? Could she finally lead a normal life? Sara didn’t know if either of these was possible. But there was one thing she did know: at least for now, death had been replaced with love—and Sara liked it.

chapter 4

Taken away

Sara went to bed that night with a renewed sense of hope. Her mother had told her that she would meet a man and that she should trust him. Maybe there was something to the dream. Not a visit from her mother’s spirit. Sara still didn’t believe in that. But maybe it was a sort of hidden, unconscious premonition—a glimpse of what was to come.

As Sara stared into the blackness, her thoughts drifted and images began to slowly form. She closed her eyes and a dream began to take shape. Sara saw a girl with long, curly blonde hair riding a white horse through a field of wildflowers. The girl wore a flowing ivory dress and brown suede vest. She was free, independent, and full of love and kindness. Sara watched as the girl eagerly rode to a man. He seemed familiar to Sara, although she didn’t recognize him. He had dark hair, brown eyes, and a gorgeous smile. The two embraced.

Next, Sara saw a sword with blood lying in the grass. In the distance stood a gray stone building that appeared to be some sort of medieval castle. The man with the brown hair was being chained and taken away. The girl was crying and protesting, begging the men to release her lover. Two guards held her back. The man with the brown hair turned back to his love and cried, “Don’t worry. We shall meet again.”

Sara looked into his eyes and recognized him. Although his eyes and hair were a different color, they were unmistakable. The warmth, the compassion, the energy this man projected. He was the embodiment of Chip. “Merek!” the girl cried. “I love thee.”

“I love thee, too, Margaret,” he said, looking at the girl he was leaving behind.

Sara watched in silence as the men dragged their prisoner to the steps of the castle and into captivity. Standing to greet him was a burly, heavyset man with unkempt brown hair.

Sara observed the girl cry, her heart broken in two. And she couldn’t help but sob right along with her, for Sara, too, felt as if the most important person in her life had been cruelly and abruptly taken from her. Loss was all too familiar to Sara. Being left alone was her way of life. This scene, these emotions. They had happened so many times before.

She reached out to hug and comfort Margaret, the grief-stricken girl. Margaret extended her arms and grabbed ahold of Sara’s shoulders. She faced Sara with a seriousness that commanded attention and peered deeply into her eyes. And then she spoke:

Death is never the answer,
she said sternly
.

Sara shivered as she listened to the girl’s words and looked back into her sad eyes. Those eyes were all too familiar. They were her own. The thoughts and feelings, they were hers, too. Sara was looking at herself. She gasped and then awoke in her bed.

***

Sara was disappointed when Chip still hadn’t called three days later. Maybe she had mistaken his interest. Maybe he just felt sorry for her and decided not to get involved with her after all. She felt sad that her tiny ray of hope had been extinguished, but she was used to this. Men just didn’t stick around in her life. Actually, no one stuck around. She had been abandoned by everyone she had ever loved. Being lonely and isolated was her way of life.

She packed her books and headed to the university to study. She had a big exam coming up. A few days earlier, she hadn’t cared. She figured she’d be dead by now. But somehow meeting Chip changed something inside of her.

She pulled into the library parking lot and hurried out of her car. The campus was a flurry of activity. Students walked swiftly to their classes, backpacks loaded. Many proudly wore shirts with CMU’s colors, maroon and gold. Some stopped outside the red brick buildings and residence halls to socialize with classmates, while others flirted. Sara avoided all of that. She just wanted to get inside and find a secluded spot to study.

The Charles V. Park library was a unique circular structure surrounded by windows. Unlike some of the other more traditional brick buildings, the library had a modern, futuristic feel to it. Sara especially loved the inside. It was an escape from her usually dark world. All floors overlooked a large atrium, and the staircases, railings, and balconies were trimmed in patriotic red, white, and blue. The abundance of light that streamed in through the many windows and sky lights was energizing and inviting.

“Sara!” a voice called. “Sara! Wait up!”

She kept walking. There were a lot of Saras on campus. Certainly, no one could be calling her. She quickened her pace.

“Sara!” she heard the man call again, his voice getting closer.

Suddenly, a breathless man rushed up beside her. It was Chip. “What’s your hurry?” he asked.

“Just eager to study,” she replied.

“I’m so sorry I didn’t call you,” he said.

“Don’t worry about it. Like you said, you’re busy. You’re working on your thesis. You don’t have much time for dating.”

“No, that’s not it,” he objected.

“You don’t have to explain anything, Chip,” she said. “I get it. No hard feelings.”

“I want to go out with you,” he said.

“But…” she added.

“But the last couple of days have been rough.”

“Oh?” Sara said, putting her hand on her hip.

“One of my clients from the university clinic was hospitalized.”

“Is she okay?”

“For now,” he said, looking grim. “She tried to kill herself.”

Sara shuddered. Chip had thwarted someone’s suicide attempt. It reminded her of the all too familiar feelings of hopelessness and despair that often plagued her own life. She knew what it was like to want out so badly. She knew what it felt like to want to end the pain, no matter the cost. And she also understood that this girl had no control over her urges. In that moment, Sara felt deep empathy and sadness for her. Chip’s suicidal client was very much like Sara.

A tear slid down Sara’s face and she grabbed Chip’s hand. “At least you were able to save her,” she offered. “Maybe there’s hope for this woman after all. Maybe you can help her get her life back together.”

“I sure hope so,” Chip said. “She’s a kind person. She’s just been through a lot in her life. And she’s reached her breaking point. I’m having daily sessions with her at the hospital to help her work through the trauma of her past. She’s got a lot of work ahead of her, but I’m optimistic.”

As Sara held his hand, images began to form once again in her mind. The girl Chip described was screaming in an empty room, a flood of tears pooling into the curve of her neck. For a moment, Sara became her. She felt like someone had just ripped her soul out of her body. She was wounded. She was afraid. Someone had hurt her badly. And then she realized that the empty, dark room was locked and the fear cut deep into her being. She was imprisoned there. A twisted man had kidnapped her and was holding her captive, beating her daily and raping her whenever the mood struck him. He was cold and heartless, and he left her feeling worthless and damaged. She felt empty, ashamed. If she ever escaped these confines, she never wanted to face another living person again. She just wanted to die.

A razor sharpness sliced through Sara’s pelvis. Her breasts throbbed, as if they had been beaten. Her tongue was laced with the putrid taste of stale cigarettes and whiskey. She wanted to throw up. Her head spun into a dizzy frenzy.

Sara collapsed onto the campus walkway, overpowered by the girl’s feelings. “Sara! Sara!” Chip cried, scooping up her limp body. “Someone call 911!”

His voice was a distant echo and the buzz of students rushing to see what had happened barely seemed recognizable. Sara imagined them as a swarm of bees swooping in to sting her. Instinctively, she reached out her arm to swat them away.

“She’s moving!” Chip cried. “Give her some space.”

Sara opened her eyes and struggled to bring everything into focus. Chip was still holding her in his arms, his body pressed tightly against her as if he were shielding her from harm.

“Thank you,” she croaked. “For saving her… for saving me.”

“Are you okay? What happened?” Chip asked.

“I had a vision,” she said quietly, careful not to let the nearby students hear her secret. “That girl you told me about, the one who tried to commit suicide, I became her. I was trapped in a dark room and couldn’t escape. A man was keeping me there against my will. He was torturing me. It was dreadful. The pain and fear, it overcame me. That’s why I collapsed. Is that what happened to her?”

Chip just stared at her. He didn’t speak. But Sara knew she was right. Chip’s client had suffered exactly the way she had described. No wonder she wanted to kill herself. No one knew that kind of hopelessness—that deep pain and isolation—better than Sara.

Within minutes, paramedics arrived and quickly placed Sara on a stretcher and loaded her into the back of the ambulance. Chip jumped in with her, clasping her hand all the way to the hospital.

***

The hospital kept Sara overnight for observation. They ran a battery of tests to make sure she didn’t have a seizure or neurological disorder. Chip stayed by her side the entire time. When she slept, he pulled out his laptop and busily worked on his thesis while sitting in the cold vinyl hospital chair. When the nurses came in to take her down to the lab for tests, he left for a bit to go check on his suicidal client. But mostly, he was there, right with her, until they released her the next day, confident that there was nothing wrong with her. Sara had never seen such devotion in a man before, especially one she had only known a short time.

The doctors concluded that Sara had passed out from stress and urged her to take it easy for a few days. They prescribed a mild tranquilizer and asked her “husband” to keep a close eye on her.

“Oh,” Sara said, snickering and feeling the warm rush of embarrassment covering her face. “We’re not married.”

“My mistake,” the doctor said. “He just seemed so devoted, so concerned for you. I assumed you were married.”

“It’s okay,” Chip said. He put his arm around her. “Maybe someday.”

Sara’s heart fluttered. She couldn’t believe he said that. “I’m ready to go home,” she said.

The aftermath of her vision had left her once again feeling totally drained. A deep and profound sadness had also settled in, and she wanted nothing more than to sleep the rest of her life away.

“You got it,” Chip replied as he pushed the wheelchair out of the hospital. “By the way, Sara, you sure do have a funny way of getting out of a date.”

The two burst into laughter as they reached the car. “I promise I’ll have that lunch with you soon,” she said. “Just give me a few days.”

chapter 5

soul mates

Lunch was just the beginning for Sara and Chip. They soon began meeting between classes. They studied at the library together, having long late-night conversations about anything and everything when they could no longer focus on their studies. They also enjoyed walking hand-in-hand across campus and observing the wildlife that would scurry out between the trees. Sometimes, they would stop to steal a quick kiss when no one was looking. Other times, they would sit in the student center and snuggle close as they watched a movie. On occasion, Sara would surprise Chip and bring sweet and sour chicken and egg rolls to his office at the university counseling center. This went on for months.

Chip and Sara had quickly become best friends. And even though her disturbing visions of death hadn’t vanished, they became less frequent. When she had them, Chip was usually with her and often talked her through them. Instead of being in a continual state of hopelessness and depression, Sara now swung back and forth between contentment and sadness.

As the days and weeks went by, Sara’s and Chip’s feelings for each other intensified. What started out as simple love and magnetic attraction became a rich, deep partnership, with a strong trust and a sense of completeness. Through it all, Sara looked forward to their time together. It brought her much-needed solace from her sorrow and the visions of death. When she was with Chip, things seemed a little lighter, a little more hopeful.

One day, Chip suggested they go out on a “real” date, outside of school. She agreed. “I’ll call you tonight,” he said as she got into her car to head home for the day. He brushed a strand of her hair behind her ear and planted a sweet kiss on her lips.

***

As Sara pulled into the driveway of her house, she spotted Mr. Benson sitting outside on his porch. He gave her a worried glance and then waved, motioning for her to come over.

What does he want?
she wondered.
Is he going to throw some garlic at me?

“Sara,” he said. “I wanted to apologize… for the way I treated you when my wife died. I said some terrible things. I was pretty harsh.”

“Apology accepted,” Sara said, extending her hand. Mr. Benson reached out to shake it, but then paused and embraced her.