Save Me From Me (19 page)

She tries to play it off, but I’ve grown to know her well enough to know something is eating up at her. I’ll find out what it is, if she wants to tell me. I’m pretty sure that we confide in each other with almost everything. I’ve never had someone that I could just be so completely open with and not worry about being judged. Even with Jesika, I never fully opened up. That was mainly because of the feelings I had for her. I still need to tell Dani about her, and what went down between us. It’s not that I have to, but for some reason, I want to. I want to be transparent with her. What you see is what you get. Take it or leave it. I’m hoping she takes it.

“Dang, Holden. I’m all about being one with nature and all, but how much further do we have to walk?” she asks as we break through the clearing.

The openness as we step onto the loose rocks leading to the river is breathtaking. The sun is starting to pop through the clouds and highlight our surroundings. The walk to get here has been dark with all the tall trees blocking out the sky. It is dim and wet from the storm that came through. It’s as if we’ve walked into a whole new place.

“Wow! It’s gorgeous here.” She walks around and then stops, slowly spinning around to take it all in. “Are you sure we’re allowed to shoot out here? I think it’s too pretty,” she says, causing me to laugh.

“We aren’t going to make it ugly or anything. And yes. I asked beforehand,” I say as I find a spot to set all of our stuff down on. I shove my pants in my boots and wade through the shallow river to place the target on a tree. Walking back over, I watch as Dani keeps her eyes on me. She seems like she isn’t fully here, but when I eye her suspiciously, she smiles, hoping to reassure me. I walk up to her and wrap my arms around her.

“You look sexy all countryfied,” she says.

“Oh yeah?” I ask as I bend down to kiss her, enjoying her arms around me. “You look sexy all the time, Darlin’.” She smacks my ass. “Ow!” I yelp jokingly since it’s obvious that her smacking could never hurt. “I’m sure that hurt you more than it did me.” I turn around, sticking my ass out at her. “Ass of steel, Baby.”

“I’m gonna kick that ass of steel,” she says as she tries, but I run off before she can.

“What’s up with you today?” Holden says as he comes up behind me, using his arms to straighten mine out properly. “Make sure to keep a firm grip and stance as you aim for that target.”

I pull the trigger, feeling the force of it tingle through my arms. My ears have now become accustomed to the booming sound. I keep an eye in the direction that I just shot, watching as my bullet hits the target.

“YES!” I exclaim. “‘Bout time. I’ve nearly went through half a box of bullets.” Without thinking, I jump around excitedly, facing Holden with my gun in my hand, not aimed, but not being safe by any means.

“Easy there, killer,” he says as he reaches for my gun. My excitement is gone all too soon and quickly overshadowed by my rampant thoughts.

“Sorry, you’re right. I’m a bit out of it today,” I admit as I sit down on the big rock near the shallow water.

“Wanna talk about it?” he says, taking a seat next to me. That’s something I’ve really come to enjoy about Holden. He never pressures me to talk about shit. That makes me want to tell him even more anytime that something bothering me.

“I ran into Loralee today.” I eye him to see if he understands whom I’m talking about. Recognition of who she is washes over his face immediately, so I continue. “I ran into her as I was leaving Wal-Mart. She had a little boy with her. Apparently, he is her younger sister’s.” I sigh as I bend over, grabbing a few loose rocks to toss in the running water.

“So, what’s eating you up about it?” he asks as he bends down to join me in my rock throwing.

“Well, we had a bit of a heart to heart. She’s been in love with Gage since high school. I guess they’ve been fuck buddies while I was gone. It pisses me off that Gage would do that, knowing how I hate her, but I don’t blame him. I did break his heart.” I throw the last rock with extra force as anger starts to set in. “What makes me mad is her pointing the finger at me and blaming me for why Gage won’t settle down with her. She said that I ruined him, and she was finally getting closer to him on another level, and then I had to show back up and mess it all up. Mess him up.” I sit there thinking about the two men in my life, and contemplate how much I should tell Holden. I mean, shit, some of the stuff Loralee said was true.

“Okay, so you’re upset about her and Gage, or what exactly?” He moves in closer to me and I lean my head against his shoulder. The firmness of him by my side is a much needed feeling. He’s my strong tower. He never wavers and is always here for me. He’s the one constant I have right now. But for how long? I can never seem to fully shake that question. It’s a nightmare that constantly haunts me. Knowing that there will be a day that he ups and leaves is a thought I don’t like to think about. Sometimes, I think if I don’t think about it, then it won’t happen. Yeah, right.

“No. Not fully. I mean, I’m not sure how to feel about it, but her telling me that I’m dragging him around is what pissed me off.” I pull back to look Holden in the eyes. His arm stays wrapped around me. “I’m not doing anything to him. I told him upfront that I wanted no title, no expectations, nothing, but friendship. I told him I couldn’t risk the chance of hurting him again when I don’t even know what the hell I’m doing with my own life. I can’t help it if he keeps holding on to what might be false hopes.”

“It’s not your fault if he continues to torture himself. You were upfront. That’s all you could do.” His arm wraps around me, gripping me by my shoulder, pulling him tighter into his warm body.

“She also said that I was selfish because I have two guys that want me, and I’m playing tug-a-war with you both.” I sigh as I finally admit the part that’s really been eating at me.

“Well, she’s right,” Holden says, causing me to gasp. “You do have two guys who want you. I told you that from the get-go.”

“Holden, I want you. You know that. But what happens when you leave? Gage is constantly throwing that in my face. Reminding me that you won’t be around for long, and that he’ll be the one here when you take off.” The thought makes me sad. I realize the pain Gage must have felt when I left.

He takes my hand in his and runs his thumb along the top of it. It’s soothing, but it doesn’t calm these thoughts that won’t clear my mind. Stupid inevitability. It’s inevitable that he will be leaving. And, it’s inevitable that I will be staying.

“Dani, I wish I had the answers for everything. Since meeting you, you’ve awakened something within me. Something I lost a long time ago.
Hope
. Hope, that maybe after all the bullshit that we must go through, that in the end, it works out the way it’s supposed to. And no matter what, I have to hold on to that. Because, I know no matter what, I don’t want whatever this is between us to end. And if you feel the same, then I’m very
hopeful
that this will all work out.” He looks down at me with his eyes full of hope and happiness, and I can’t help but reciprocate the feelings back as I lift my head to kiss him.

“About the other night…” I say, not really sure where I’m going with it, but feeling like it needs to be somewhat addressed.

“What about it?” Holden says nonchalantly.

“I can’t stop thinking about it. About how close we were.”

He turns me to him with a look of concern on his face.

“Do you regret that we almost had sex?”

With a hint of a smile, I shake my head. “No way. I regret that we didn’t get to,” I shyly say. I know my cheeks have to be all sorts of rosy from this admission. By the look of his cute smile, they are.

“I’m glad to hear that, Hot Shot. I can’t get it out of my mind either. Do you want to know what I think?”

“Uh huh,” I say, biting my lip and nodding.

“I think that when the time is right, it will happen. I know we both want it bad, and no matter when it happens, it will be great. But I believe that it will happen at the perfect time. There won’t be any interruptions, second guesses, or anything to get in the way.”

“So, you’re not going to tell me where y’all are going to be taking us?” I ask Holden through the phone. He just now called me, warning me that he and Rusty came up with something for us four to do this weekend. Ever since Adyn and her fiancé split, Rusty’s been hanging around town more, trying to get me to drag Adyn along for everything. For the most part, I do invite her anytime something’s going on because I don’t want her to sit and sulk at home, but I’m also not trying to push Rusty down her throat, literally.

They seem to mutually like each other, but still, with her recent break up and all, I’m trying to be cautious of her feelings.

“No, I’m not going to tell you. But you need to wear jeans, maybe long sleeves, and tennis shoes. Don’t be getting all foo foo’d up.” He laughs.

“Oh, I see how it is. You’re gonna be playin’ dirty, huh? Well, don’t come crying to me when you get some of that same dirt thrown in your eyes.”

He laughs harder. “That’s something else I love about you, Hot Shot.” He pauses for a moment, realizing he just said
the
word, but quickly recovers by finishing his thought. “You’re so competitive. It’s actually very hot and will come in handy Saturday. Let’s just hope your friend is up for the challenge as well.”

“I’m pretty sure the odds will be in our favor. We have valuable assets we can always call on if we start slipping.”

“Oh, no. Not the distractible assets. You don’t play fair, my dear.”

“I play to win.”

Walking back into the store from my break, I walk right up to Adyn to inform her of our weekend plans.

“So, the boys are up to something. I’m not really sure what. But whatever it is, we have to bring our A game.”

A mischievous smile takes over her face as she crosses her arms. “Okay, what’s going on?”

“Shit if I know. Holden’s being all secretive. Wear jeans. Wear long shirt. Wear tennis shoes. Don’t get all pretty,” I say in my robotic voice.

“Hmm.” She taps her chin, as she looks deep in thought. “We should be able to narrow down the possibilities. I mean, it isn’t winter, and yes, nighttime can still get chilly, but for the most part, it’s not jeans and long sleeved weather. They want us all bummed out looking, so it means they aren’t taking us somewhere to be impressed or to impress others. They wouldn’t take us out publicly like that. So, it has to be something outdoorsy is my guess.”

I think about everything she’s said, crossing ideas off my mental list as well. “That sneaky sum bish,” I say out loud as I realize what they are taking us to do. “That boy must have a death wish.” I laugh.

“What is it? Did you figure it out?” Adyn eyes me with curiosity and excitement.

“Yes!” I exclaim. “The other day when we were driving, we passed this sign for this new course that had just opened. Holden got all excited, saying how he hadn’t played paintball in years. I didn’t really think anything of it. But if I was a betting woman, which I am, I’d say that’s what them boys have planned.”

“Ohhh,” she says, retracting the excitement that had previously been prominent as she acts like, all of a sudden, she has busy work to do. “I don’t know about that, Dani. I mean, yeah, I like to decorate my body with tattoos, but I’m not really looking to decorate it with colorful bruises all over. I heard that shit is painful.”

“Don’t go being a wuss, Adyn. We have the upper hand now by knowing what they have planned. Which means, we can go practice.”

Go practice what? Hiding? Because that’s what my ass will be doing the whole time.”

“No, we’ll go practice shooting. They won’t even know what hit them… literally.”