Save Me From Me (27 page)

“I can’t believe I’m even saying this, but I’m glad to be back at work,” I say to Adyn as I clock in behind her.

“Why?” she asks in disbelief.

“You try being stuck in my mother’s house, under strict doctor’s orders, with my siblings there.” I huff. “It was hell. My sister loved being able to torment me. She also loved rubbing it in that I can’t have kids,” I say out loud, and then throw my hand over my mouth as I remember that I haven’t told her.

“Oh my goodness. Hunny, come here.” She pulls me into a tight embrace. Her hold on me is comforting, and I let her soothe me.

“It’s okay. I’ll be fine,” I say to reassure her, but know that I’m trying to reassure myself more than anyone.

“Okay, girls.” I hear Joy from the kitchen area. “Bonding time is over. I don’t pay—”

Adyn pulls her head up, glaring in Joy’s direction. “Yeah, yeah, you don’t pay us diddily squat, you old bag. Why don’t you go get laid already, instead of making all of our lives a living hell.” I start giggling, and Adyn looks back down at me. “I hate that witch.”

“I can tell you one thing. I definitely didn’t miss her,” I say as I wipe the last stray tear away.

“As soon as she leaves, we are talking,” Adyn says sympathetically, and I nod in response.

Instead of trying to explain it all to her at work, I wait until we are both off, and have her follow me to the place I feel most comfortable. We sit side by side in comfortable silence, watching the waves lazily roll in from the boat that just went by. She pulls out a cigarette and lights it.

“Can I get one?” I ask, and she holds out her pack out to me. I slide one out and take the lighter from her.

“I didn’t know you smoke,” she says.

“I don’t. Well, I use to, for a while. I only do it when I’m super-stressed. Something about it calms me down.” I light it, inhaling the smoke, and let out a contented sigh as I slowly blow it out.

“That something wouldn’t be the nicotine, would it?” She laughs.

“Either that, or my mind playing tricks on me. It seems to do that a lot these days.”

“Have you heard from him?” Adyn asks, not needing to mention his name.

“No. I know what he thinks. He thinks I changed my mind. That I didn’t want him. He probably even thinks I chose Gage over him.” Talking about Holden makes me sad. Knowing that I was going to have his baby makes me sadder.

“He knows you better than that, Dani. There’s no way he can think that you’d change your mind like that last minute. If he does, then he’s stupid. Most men are. I haven’t talked to Rusty since they left either. That boy was something else.” She laughs shaking her head.

“I miss him.” I finally say it out loud.

“I know you do. I wish I could go strangle him by his dangling doo dads and drag his ass back here to straighten this shit out.”

“Dangling doo dads?” I question her as I laugh.

“His balls. Duh!”

“My bad,” I say as I hold up my hands. “Anyways.” I let out a huge breath. “I had a miscarriage. I didn’t even know I was pregnant. The doctor said I was around 6 weeks. I’ve had problems with my ovaries and periods growing up. They’ve always given me a new type of birth control, hoping it’d straighten it all up. Well, after this incident, the doctors figured out the cause of it all.” I glance over at Adyn who is fully engulfed in my words. “They said I have endometriosis.” I start crying, and Adyn wraps her arm around me, pulling me sideways. “They had to remove one of my ovaries. They told me I’ll probably never be able to have kids, and the problems will most likely keep persisting until I get a full hysterectomy.” I sob louder, not wanting to come to full terms with this. Keeping it all in makes it seem as if it’s not real, but when you let it all out, it makes it all real.
Like in your face real.

Needing to change the conversation, I turn it on Adyn. For the most part, I know she’s still living with her mom, but I have no clue why she keeps working at the damn store.

“How’s things been going at your mom’s? Have you heard from James at all?”

“Mom’s house is great. She doesn’t bug me like I thought she would have. I haven’t heard from James’ stupid ass at all. At first, it made me sad, because I had hoped he actually cared, but now, good fucking riddance is all I say to that.”

“I’m glad you’re doing good with that. Any future plans? You plan on staying in this crazy town with me the rest of your life?” I say, laughing but hoping she doesn’t. She deserves so much more, and she’s young enough to go after it.

“For now, I’m just enjoying life. Making new friends and going out without worrying about anyone but myself has been something I missed out on. I guess that’s what happens when you marry your high school sweetheart.”

“Party it up for the two of us, Muffintits.” I laugh, throwing one of her many crazy nicknames back at her.

“Maybe one day, you’ll take me up on my offer to go out.” She gives me a hopeful smile.

Yeah, maybe one day, I will. Maybe.

I stay out at the dock later than I should have. Adyn has been gone for a good hour or two, but I still sit, deep in thought over life and where mine might be heading. Of course, I have my camera, since I never leave home without it. I could never get tired of taking pictures out here. Every day is a new canvas. Something new and different is always up for grabs to capture. Making my way over towards the park area, I take a quick detour and sit down on the same swing that Holden and I had. It seems like it was just yesterday. I can easily picture and feel the warmth of his body against mine, and his reassuring words,
‘I won’t let you fall’.

That night, I cry myself to sleep. So many things haunt my mind. The child that I lost, the ones I’ll never be able to have, and my broken heart. Losing Holden has put a huge gap in my heart.

The next day, I take the memory card out of my camera and head to Wal-Mart to print off all the pics. Or at least all the ones that I want to hold onto so desperately right now. Maybe it’s stupid and girlie, but I want to hold Holden so bad right now that I’m willing to settle with a picture of him in my possession.

As I’m scanning through what seems like a gazillion pictures, I smile at each and every one of them. No memory of him is sad at all. Each one brings a smile to my face and brightness to my eyes as I take each in, and relive the memory as I do.

From the night that we laid on his hood, staring at the stars and talking about constellations, to the night that we went to the fair and had a stranger take our picture in front of the merry-go-round before having our silly faces drawn by an overpriced artist. All memories of Holden and what we had are real, great memories of a love that I will never forget. To make sure that I never forget, I make my way to the scrapbooking section after printing out the fifty or so pictures.

You’d think that I’d be a scrapbook making fool with the pictures I like to take, but I’ve never had the inkling to do so until this very moment. I want my own personal book to hold what we had safe and sound. Like my own diary of our love, but a visual version. Who needs words when a picture alone says a thousand?

I get home to an empty house, walk straight back to my room, and lock the door behind me. I don’t want to chance anyone just walking in. Not that I have anything to hide, but this is for me, and me alone. I empty the contents of my sacks onto the bed and sort through them. I went a little overboard, but my memories deserve nothing less. Stickers, glue, shape-cutting scissors, glittery pens, scrapbook paper, an actual book to put it all into, and my photos lay organized on my bed as I start sorting out what to put where and place them in order that the events played out.

Creating fun and sweet quotes make me smile and laugh as I write them next to the pictures.

“Get your big pole away from my bass.”

“Hot Shot.”

“You see that bright star way up there? The one that’s extra bright? I’m naming that one Dani Jo, because just how it brings extra light to the night sky, you do the same for my life.”

After shedding many tears and smiles, I finally finish my beautiful memory book and slide it under my bed. Then I clean up my mess and get ready for another shittastic night at work.

When I walk in the house later that night, I see that my bedroom light is on, but the rest of the house is dark. This isn’t a good sign. I know what I will find once I make my way back there. My room is trashed, and Brandy sits on my bed, flipping through the pages of my scrapbook. I lunge at her, grabbing it away from her before she can destroy it. She destroys everything that I care about, and I know she’d rip this to shreds in a heartbeat.

“Awe, how sweet,” she snarls. “Baby Sister is in love.”

“Fuck off! And get the fuck out of my room.”

“Tsk, tsk, Baby Sister. Just tell me where the pills are, and I’m out.”

“What are you talking about?” I ask.

“The pills, Dani. From when you had your miscarriage, you worthless piece of shit.” She says that to hit me where it’ll hurt most—my heart. The thing that she apparently was born without. I am done with her. DONE. WITH. HER. She can see it in my eyes as she starts to slowly back out of my room.

“Too late, Bitch,” I say as I lunge for her again, taking her down to the ground. Tonight, there will be blood, and it will be mostly hers. After that, I’m not really sure what will take place, but in this moment, I just don’t get a fuck.

Having her pinned beneath me feels good, but her words have my fist stopping before it has a chance to enter Pound Town.

“No, Dani, don’t! I’m pregnant!” I ease my way off of her, back up to the far wall, and sit on the floor. Who knows who baby daddy number three is. I’d say if she was lucky, it’d be her other kids’ dad, but he’s not any better off than she is, so that wouldn’t necessarily be lucky.

She stands to her feet, adjusts her shirt, and looks down at me with victory in her eyes. “It’s funny how that all works out, huh? Mom is so excited that I’m pregnant since you can’t have kids and all.” She turns around, laughing as she walks out of the room.

It’s like the universe is playing a horrible trick on me. Brandy proudly spilling the beans that she’s pregnant with her third child is just another nail in the coffin for me. It makes me hurt for myself, and for the baby she’s carrying. I’ll never stop praying to have a baby of my own one day, but right now, I’m praying for that baby that’s growing in my doped-up sister. Praying she/he makes it out alive and well, and is given the life she/he deserves.

I can’t be here any longer. Not while she’s here. No way can I keep putting myself through this shit with her. It’s a given that she never plans to change.

I stand in front of Gage’s door, crying. I’ve lifted my hand many times in an attempt to knock. I honestly have no idea why I’m here, but feel as though I have nowhere else to go. As soon as I almost grasp the courage to knock, the door flies open, and a stunned Gage is on the other side in complete shock.

“Sorry. I had nowhere else to go,” I say between hiccupping cries. He pulls me to his chest and rubs my back as he rests his head on mine. Once my breathing slows down, and I’m able to control my crying, he walks us back into the apartment, shutting and locking the door behind us.

“What’s wrong, Danielle?” he asks after we sit down on his couch.

“My whole life is wrong,” I shout, but quickly apologize. “I’m sorry. I didn’t come here to take shit out on you.”

“You need to get it out. So, if it’s in the form of you yelling your frustration out as I listen, then so be it. Holding in only makes it worse,” he says, grabbing my hand.

“Alright. Well, here it goes. I need a place to stay.” I look at him as more tears fill my eyes. “I just can’t do it any longer. I was going to beat Brandy into oblivion, but right before I could hit her, she told me she was pregnant. I instantly jumped off of her. With everything going on, and her being a shitty mom while I’m not even going to be able to be a mother, well, something inside of me broke. She rubbed it in again, and even deeper this time about how I can’t have kids. I just can’t do it anymore. She’s not ever going to change.”

“You know you always have a place here to stay. Or if you have other plans, you know I’ll help you any way I can.” He squeezes my hand, reassuring me.

“I didn’t want to come to you like this. I don’t want you thinking that I only want to use you, but dammit, you’re my best friend. I really have no one else. Adyn lives with her mom now, and I can’t face going back to live in Dad’s old house. Even though Tyler is never there, and I’d have it all too myself, I just don’t want to be there all alone. I’m lonely enough as it is living in this town.”

“Danielle, you don’t have to explain yourself. You could have just showed up asking to stay here, and I would have said yes without anything else needing to be said. I just asked what’s wrong because I hate seeing you upset. I personally know it’s not good to bottle shit up, or one day it explodes, and that’s the worst way possible for it to come out.”