Saving Abby (2 page)

There was no reason medically why Claire could not conceive, and yet, there it was. Her body had rejected her dreams. A betrayal she could never resolve because the betrayer and the betrayed were one and the same.

“The list has grown,” Josh whispered as he turned the sheets over and saw items she’d added over the past few days.

This list in their hands was their bucket list as parents.

It was simply their dreams, their goals, their prayers, written down. She had many such lists.

For her own personal life—to travel, to try new things, and to become something more than she was today.

For their home—where they wanted to live, the type of home, and features they hoped for, like a white gated fence, beautiful rosebushes, a water fountain in the backyard, a walk-in closet, and a big pedestal bathtub in a large bathroom complete with heated floors and a Turkish sauna.

For her career—how many books they wrote, how many illustrations she created, the awards she wanted to win, the money they wanted to make and put away for a rainy day.

But the most important one was her parenting list.

To feel the first kick of her baby in her womb.

To see the first smile, hear the first laugh, watch that first step.

To teach her child how to draw.

To read stories they’d written specifically for their child.

To see the child’s reaction the first time their feet touched sand.

The first day of school. School photos. Report cards.

Their first date. The wedding day.

To travel the world and see all its amazing things through the eyes of their child.

To share the magic of Christmas.

They’d decided that on this trip, they would figure out a way to say good-bye to their dreams of having children. They’d lived the past three years focused exclusively on having a child. Now it was time to bring that period to a close. Josh came up with the idea of bringing with them the list they’d started years ago for their child and leaving it behind. Whether they buried it, burnt it, or tucked it away someplace special didn’t matter, as long as they didn’t bring it home and could never retrieve it.

Once they left Europe, Claire wasn’t sure she could ever return. And if they did, she could never go back to the cities and towns they’d visited, because in each place, she’d found a way to say good-bye to her dream there.

“I wanted to make sure I didn’t leave anything out,” she said as he read the last few items she’d added.

“Watch baby turtles be born on a sandy beach. That one is new.”

She nodded.

“Take a horse-and-carriage ride through the streets of Rome.” He stopped reading and looked down at her. “But we did that.” He looked away for a moment. “Is that what you thought about during our ride? What it would be like if we had a child with us?”

She swallowed past the lump in her throat.

“I thought that ride was for us. To check off something from our own travel list.”

She heard the hurt in his voice but didn’t have the words to soothe away the pain.

“Has any part of this trip been for us?”

She didn’t say anything. She couldn’t. He would never understand, and she didn’t expect him to.

For him, this trip wasn’t just about letting go, it was also about finding a way to carry on, to build happy memories, new dreams.

While she mourned the loss of having a child, he dreamed of a future in which they could do things they had never before imagined. He spoke about ways to advance their careers, and he told of hopes for the future that had nothing to do with raising a family and everything to do with experiencing life to its fullest. Together.

“Of course the trip has been about us.” She turned in his arms so she faced him and stared into his warm green eyes. She breathed in deeply and thought about Robyn and the love she still felt for her husband, about the way that couple found something to replace their desire to have children in their lives.

A deep sense of belonging, of love, swept over her, and in that moment, seeing the love and acceptance in her husband’s gaze, she knew she could do this—say good-bye to a dream and possibly make room in her heart for a new one.

“I couldn’t have done this without you.” She stood up on her tiptoes and lightly pressed her lips against his, while his arms pulled her close. “Without you, I’d be lost in my grief, lost to the death of a dream I’ve carried since I was a young girl. Without you . . . my world isn’t complete.”

She looked at the list in her hand.

“As hard as it is to admit this, letting this dream go, the dream of having our own child, of carrying our baby inside me, of seeing us in our son or daughter . . . it’s easier to say good-bye to this than it would be to say good-bye to you.” Tears gathered in her eyes. “You, Josh Turner, are my life. My heart. Don’t ever let go of me, okay?” She leaned forward. As she rested her cheek against his chest, she listened to his heartbeat and took comfort in the feel of his arms as they held her close.

The tears slipped down her face and soaked through his shirt. She would say good-bye to the dream of having her own child because she had no choice.

“We can still have children, Claire. We can adopt, like we talked about before,” Josh whispered.

She shook her head. “Not yet, though, okay? I can’t replace one child with another one so soon, even if that child was only a dream.”

She knew it sounded unreasonable. In their efforts over the past six year, she’d never even conceived a child, much less lost one. It was more the idea, the hope, of their own child.

One that looked like them . . . who maybe, like Josh, had sparkling green eyes and a dimple on his chin, or like her, had fine blond hair and delicate bone structure. Maybe their child would have shown a passion for storytelling like his or her father, or maybe the child’s fingers would itch to draw as her own did.

Their child might have been a studious, serious little boy or a warm, giggling little girl.

But she would never know. Not anymore.

Any child they adopted would have its own characteristics inherited from the birth parents. His or her own history, nationality, quirks, and challenges.

“For now, let’s focus on Jack and his adventures,” Claire said. Their friends often commented that it seemed like Jack was their real son, the way they talked about him and kept his character in their thoughts no matter what they did. “And maybe . . .” She looked up at him as an idea formed. “Maybe it’s time we add on to our fictional family and bring in a girl. Why does Jack get to have all the fun?”

Josh’s eyebrows rose. “A girl, huh? That could be . . . interesting. We’re contracted for more books with Jack, though. We’d have to talk to Julia about this.” A slight smile appeared on his face. “Is this something you want to take on yourself? Can you?”

Claire shrugged. “It was only an idea.” She turned around and braced her arms on the balcony railing. The sound of the waves soothed her heart, her soul.

She inhaled deeply and slowly let it out.

She could do this.

“Are we ready?” Josh asked, as if reading her mind.

She reached for the papers, her fingers lightly brushing against his.

They’d discussed burning the pages, burying them, or ripping them apart, but in the end, what they were about to do was perfect.

This cruise was meant to be a healing space for Claire. A time when there were no demands other than to relax. Yes, they would plot, write, sketch . . . but in a calm environment and on their own terms.

It was also the perfect place to say good-bye, to grieve for the death of a dream.

“I’m ready,” she said.

They reached out as far as they could over the balcony and let go of the pages in their hands.

Claire watched as the papers separated and fluttered about in the wind, as if dancing along the air currents, before they dropped down, one by one, in the dark sea. Only one page landed in a moonlit shard of light upon the water, and as the boat continued on its journey, that page got smaller and smaller until it was gone forever.

Josh kissed the top of her head and pulled her close, tucking her tight to his chest.

“I love you, Claire Turner. This isn’t the end. We’ll figure out how to forge our own path now, that’s all.”

They remained there in silence for a few moments longer.

“Now, how about we go open that bottle of champagne we’ve been saving and cuddle while watching a movie. What do you say? End our cruise in style?” Josh turned her around in his arms and kissed her.

His easy smile and light heart was infectious, and Claire knew that no matter how hard each day would be, how difficult their journey may become, he would always support and help her, loving her as she was.

She wrapped her arms around his neck and laughed as he picked her up in his arms, carrying her through the open balcony door, careful to not whack her head as he had on their first night.

“Cuddle, huh?” she asked.

His eyes twinkled as he dropped her on the bed.

“At some point, I’m sure we will,” he said.

Claire forced herself to keep her focus on her husband and look only into his eyes, which held promises of love and laughter. She restrained herself from gazing out the window into the dark night, where she wanted to lose herself in her grief.

TWO

CLAIRE

Present day

T
wisting in her seat, Claire discreetly swallowed two extra-strength tablets and rubbed the back of her neck, trying hard not to groan as her fingers dug into her tight muscles. Maybe an hour on a massage table would help relieve the sudden influx of headaches she’d started experiencing since returning home from their cruise.

“Everything okay?” Josh leaned toward her in his chair and whispered.

Claire gave a slight nod and then forced another smile before she faced forward and greeted the next reader who stood at their table.

She glanced at the line and tried not to sigh. They had another two hours here before heading back to their hotel, where all Claire wanted to do was sleep.

“We come to see you every time you’re here,” the woman who stood there with her son at her side gushed. “It’s because of Jack and his adventures that my Calvin here first started to read.” She beamed down at her son, who stood, hands clasped behind his back, staring at Josh with admiration.

Josh was a natural storyteller. Each book signing he would sit down with the children and read through parts of the story, adjusting the reading to fit the time allotted and the number of listeners. Claire loved to pick one or two from the crowd of children and draw them, and when they came up to get their books signed, she would slide the drawing inside the book.

“Would you like to pick a picture? You can take it home.” Claire leaned forward and pointed to a layout of images she’d had printed on postcards. On one side were images from the book, and on the other was a copy of the cover, a short blurb, and the words
Let’s go exploring,
something Jack says in each book.

The little boy’s eyes widened as he scanned the images. He slowly pointed to one. Claire pulled a postcard from her stash and added her signature. She slid it across to him with a warm smile before they went on their way, the latest book in the series tucked tight beneath the little boy’s arm.

“I think we’re going to sell out,” Alice, the owner of Wonderland Tales, said. She knelt down at Claire’s side and handed her a cup of coffee.

“You’re an angel.” Claire took the coffee and sipped it. “I can’t believe how many people are still in line. This is probably our best signing yet.”

“Jack just seems to grow in popularity with every book you guys write. It’s fantastic, and I’m so thrilled to host your readings. You know it’s always an open invitation.” Alice beamed as she surveyed the packed store.

Wonderland Tales was a well-known bookstore in Toronto that catered primarily to children and teens. It was also Claire and Josh’s favorite place to host a book signing or reading.

“A new Italian restaurant that I think you’ll like opened up just down the street. I’ve got reservations if you’re feeling up to it.” Alice leaned across the table for a camera that a customer held out. She edged around the table to take a photo of Josh and Claire signing their book.

“Sure,” Claire said after a pause. “Give me a few hours to rest, and I’ll be as good as new.” The last thing Claire wanted was to cancel dinner. Building this relationship with Alice had taken years, and now Claire considered her a friend.

Alice’s brows rose. “A few hours?”

Claire nodded. “I think my body is still adjusting to being home. I can’t seem to get caught up on my sleep, no matter how early I head to bed or how many energy drinks I sneak behind Josh’s back.”

“I heard that,” Josh leaned over and whispered.

Claire winced.

Alice stood still for a moment before she leaned down. “You’re not pregnant by chance?” she whispered.

Claire shook her head. “I wish. That’d be a dream come true.”

She’d resigned herself to being motherless. Maybe one day they would adopt, but not right now.

“Have you let your doctor friend give you a checkup? You’ve been home for a while now. Your body should be readjusted.”

Claire shrugged. Having a best friend who was a doctor had both advantages and disadvantages.

“Did someone say Italian?” Josh leaned back and smiled at Alice. “I’m starving.”

“I think there are some cookies left over from the reading. Let me go grab you both a plate.” Ever the hostess, Alice headed toward the back of her store, where they’d read from their latest book to a crowded circle of excited children.

“It’s my birthday today.” The voice caught Claire’s attention. In front of their table stood a little girl. She couldn’t have been more than seven years old, and she had the most adorable red cheeks, but it was her bald head that took Claire’s breath away.

“It is? Well, happy birthday! Did you get a cupcake from earlier?” Claire leaned forward, her hands clasped in front.

“Chocolate. My mom made them for Ms. Alice.” The little girl nodded.

“Your mom made them?” Claire glanced up and smiled at the woman who stood by the girl’s side. “Did you know that they are Jack’s favorite cupcakes?”

“That’s what I told my mom.” The little girl looked up at her mom with delight.

Claire reached down into a bag at her side and looked through some loose papers until she found the one she wanted. She held it on her lap, beneath the table, so the girl in front of her couldn’t see it and quickly made some adjustments.

“How old are you today?” She asked as she looked up to find the girl staring at her intently.

“I’m nine.” She must have caught sense of surprise in Claire’s silence. “You thought I was seven, didn’t you? It’s the hair.” She patted the top of her head. “I have cancer. I’m also basically blind, but I bet you couldn’t tell.”

She was so matter-of-fact about it that it caught Claire off guard. She’d guessed, from the lack of hair and bright red cheeks, but hearing her say it was another thing. And no, even after looking into her beautiful hazel eyes, she’d had no idea the little girl was blind.

“Jack should go visit some kids in a hospital. Did you know that we have all your books there? Ms. Alice donated them, and we all love Jack.”

“That’s a great idea.” She’d have to ask Alice for more information about the hospital. “Maybe you could come join us when we go?”

The girl’s eyes lit up. “I’d love to.” She held out her hand. “I’m Samantha, but you can call me Sami.”

“Sami, it’s really nice to meet you. I’m Claire.”

Claire added a little bit more to her drawing and then held it out. “Happy birthday, Sami.”

Sami’s mother took the paper and bent down. “She drew you something,” she said softly.

Sami brought the paper up close to her face, and after taking her time to look it over thoroughly, she gave a little squeal.

“That’s me.” Sami’s voice caught. “Right, Mom? That’s me?” She held the paper out for her mother to look at.

“That certainly looks like you, Sami.”

Earlier, Claire had noticed the little girl with the bald head and had drawn her portrait. The picture showed her and Jack sitting on a park bench, a stack of books and cupcakes between them. There was a little dog chasing its tail in the distance, and the sky was full of balloons floating in the air. She’d added the cupcakes after finding out it was Sami’s birthday.

“Did you really draw me?” Sami asked.

“I did. I noticed you earlier, sitting right up at the front beside Josh. You were so focused on the story.” She glanced over at Sami’s mother. “I hope you don’t mind?”

“Not at all,” Sami’s mother said. Turning to her daughter, she added, “We should get this framed and put it up on your wall, don’t you think?”

“Sweet! This is the best birthday ever.” Sami gave her mom a powerful hug before she let go and turned to Claire. “Can I hug you too?”

“Of course.” Claire stood and walked around to the front of the table, where she bent down for Samantha’s hug. She almost toppled backward from the intensity of it.

“You promise to come to the hospital?” Sami asked after she let go.

“Let me see if Ms. Alice can work her magic and get us in. Okay?”

By then, Alice had returned with a plate of cookies, which she set down beside Josh.

“Get in where?” she asked.

“Jack is going to come to the hospital!” Sami almost shouted. “Well”—she wrinkled her nose—“not Jack for real. But they’ll come.” She pointed to Claire and then to Josh. “And maybe read to everyone. It would be awesome. And my mom can make her cupcakes, and it’ll be the bestest day ever.”

Alice’s eyebrows rose. “The bestest day ever, huh? I thought that was today when your mom brought you here to meet your favorite authors of all time.”

“A girl can have more than one bestest day, you know.”

Claire laughed. She loved this girl’s spunk. After another hug from Sami, Claire sat back down and continued to sign books and hand out picture cards for the next hour. Little by little, her hand began to cramp and her energy waned, and once the last customer walked out of the store, Claire laid her head down in her arms and struggled to stay awake.

“All right, Sleeping Beauty, let’s get you back to the hotel for a nap.” Josh came over and placed his arms around her, giving her a hug. “Alice promised the best Italian food we’ve ever tasted, and considering we just came back from Italy, I’m looking forward to holding her to that.”

“I’m not sure I can move,” Claire said groggily. Another minute and she would have been fast asleep.

The next thing she knew, Josh had her in his arms with Alice laughing in the background.

“Our taxi is waiting for us,” Josh said as he made his way through the aisles of the bookstore. Claire glanced over his shoulder to see Alice trailing behind, their bags in her hands.

“Guys, we can cancel dinner if Claire isn’t feeling well.” Alice held the door open with her foot as Josh walked though carrying Claire.

“I’ll be fine.” Claire yawned. “I just need a nap, and then I’ll be good as new.” She leaned her head against Josh’s chest and listened to the thump of his heart.

“Are you sure?” Alice’s voice was tinged with worry.

“Totally sure. Hey,” she said as she reached out toward Alice. “Samantha—she’s a sweetheart. Is she . . . okay?”

Alice’s shoulders slumped. “She’s pretty sick. Leukemia, but she’s strong and refuses to let it get her down. She was out today on a day pass just for her birthday. You were her gift—all she wanted was to come and get her books signed. That picture you drew . . . it meant more to her than you can imagine.” Alice looked off to the side, deep in thought. “I try to get in to SickKids in Toronto at least every other month and bring books for the kids. I can set something up for you if you’d like—I know they would love it.”

“Let’s do it. I was thinking about that earlier. We could do a reading, and then ask the kids to help us with a new adventure for Jack. I’m sure they’d have lots of ideas. It could be fun.” Josh leaned down and helped Claire into the taxi. She scooted over while he handed her the bags Alice had carried for them. “Let’s talk about it more tonight at dinner.”

Claire leaned her head against the seat, trying hard to cover the large yawn she couldn’t hold back and then snuggled up to her husband as their cab took them back to their hotel.

“On a scale of one to ten, how tired are you?” Josh lightly rubbed her arm.

“Twelve.”

“I think it’s time to go see Abby at the clinic. I’ve never seen you like this before.” Josh leaned his head against hers. “I overheard you and Alice earlier. Do you think maybe you could be?”

“Could be what?” She wasn’t following him.

“Pregnant. Do you think you could be? Were you . . . were you like this with your last pregnancy?” His fingers entwined with hers.

She slowly pushed herself upright and looked him in the eye.

“I was a teenager. I was more scared than anything else.” That and angry. “And no, I’m not pregnant, Josh. I think I’d . . .” Her voice trailed off as she mentally counted back to when she had her last period.

“Just talk to Abby, okay? I don’t like seeing you like this.”

Claire nodded, unable to speak. She was late. Very late. But late enough to be pregnant? Could she be?

She was afraid to let herself hope.

Claire sat in her office, curled up in her large comfy chair, and struggled to read the draft Josh had handed her earlier in the morning. The words swam on the page no matter how hard she tried to focus.

“Why don’t you go lie down?” Josh stood in the doorway, hip resting against the frame, and held his hand out to her.

“I’d love to, but I don’t think I can get up.” She smiled weakly at him.

“I’m sensing a theme here . . . you just like having me prove my brawny strength by carrying you to bed, don’t you?” His eyes twinkled, but Claire noticed the look of concern.

“What did you think?” Josh gave a pointed look toward the papers in her hands as he pulled her up from the chair.

“I couldn’t get past the tulips. Or were they daffodils? Sorry.” She attempted to smother a yawn, but her arm wouldn’t obey and remained listless at her side.

“Daffodils. I had a hard time with that scene.”

“Maybe it shouldn’t be in the story. Maybe that’s just a memory for the two of us.” She smiled at him, thinking back to that day in Bruges, remembering how they’d decided to ignore everything for one moment, one hour, one day, and just live. It was perfect. Almost heaven on earth. Almost.