Saving Alexander (13 page)

“Touch yourself, Alex, I want to see you come,” Sage whispered, and Alex nodded, reaching down to take his erection in desperate greedy hands, stroking himself with hard strokes that made him bite his lips. Alex tensed beneath Sage, his thighs tautening, his hips rising up like the bow of a ship in stormy seas.

Alex gasped loudly, a fierce exhalation of air as he climaxed, hot spurts of his semen coating both their bodies and Alex’s shirt with slick stickiness and the scent of pure lust.

Sage felt Alex’s orgasm in his channel, felt his muscles contract around him, driving Sage to cry out. He found his own release with a sense of satisfaction and as he came, emptying himself inside the condom, inside Alex in a rush of hot fluid as he ground his mouth against Alex’s, little breaths of pleasure escaping as he collapsed on top, his heart beating crazily.

For a moment there was no sound other than their deep breathing and the noise of the traffic outside the windows. Alex’s hands still tightly clasped Sage’s hips. Sage kissed his lover’s lips gently, tasting his sweat. Finally, with a sigh of reluctance Alex released him and Sage rolled off to lie beside him on his back on the narrow couch, half on, half off, one foot on the ground to steady himself. He took off the condom, tying a knot in the top and placing it on the floor. A clock ticked somewhere, a comforting steady sound. Sage reached out a hand and slowly traced the line of Alex’s face in the darkness.

“That was incredible, even though it was over way too fast. I’m sorry about that,” he murmured. “Look at what we’ve been missing all this time.”

Alex reached up, his face soft, as he caressed the line of Sage’s jaw tenderly. “If I’d known my story was going to turn you on like that, I’d have told you a long time ago.”

Sage frowned and sat up. “That wasn’t what ‘turned me on.’ I’m not a bloody ghoul who gets off on sexual abuse stories.” He felt a deep stir of anger at Alex’s words.

Alex sat up. “Sorry,” he said guiltily. “That was a poor choice of words. I wasn’t thinking. That wasn’t what I meant.”

Sage was slightly mollified by the words, although not completely. He lay for a while in the darkness whilst he thought how next to broach the subject that had led to the situation he was in now. “I can’t even begin to imagine what you went through,” he said quietly. “I’ve never heard of anything like that before, something so extreme. I can’t imagine how anyone can do such a thing to another human being. The fact you’re still sane means you must be a very strong person.”

Alex laughed harshly. “That’s one way of putting it.” Alex sat up. “I’m sorry I sprung it on you like that. I’ve never told anyone but my therapist the story before.”

“So how’s that special therapy going for you?” Sage said quietly. “Is it working? Do you think you’ll be able to get better completely or is it something you’ll have to do for the rest of your life?”

“You mean Eric.” Alex’s voice was low.

“Yes. I mean Eric.” The conversation had turned very surreal. He’d just made love to a man and now he was asking how long said man would have to see the other man in his life who was intimate with him.
If
intimate was the word for what seemed like more of a business arrangement.

Alex’s voice was soft. “I don’t know is the honest answer. I’ve been going to him once a week for the past two years. Before that I was an even worse mess. Now at least I can control my fears and urges a little.”

Sage heard the pain in Alex’s voice and closed his eyes at the images his words were conjuring up, images he really didn’t want to see in his mind. “What kind of fears and urges are we talking about?” Sage asked quietly. He’d never had to face anything even remotely like what Alex had experienced and he didn’t think he could even begin to understand what the man was going through. Sage’s childhood had been happy, filled with love and caring. The thought of not having that in his life was alien to him.

“The fears? I wonder if I can ever have a normal relationship with a man,” Alex said. “I just think I’m incapable, because each time I’ve tried to think I can start something, it doesn’t work out. Then when I’m back to being alone again, the only way to feel better is to have someone like Eric take care of me in the only way I know how.”

Sage stroked Alex’s brush-cut hair gently as he listened, his heart full of compassion for this man who seemed so vulnerable now he was in Sage’s arms.

“I’m so scared I’ll never be able to have a proper relationship, that I’ll always be on my own because no one wants damaged goods.” Alex swallowed.

Sage pulled him closer. “That’s not going to happen,” he murmured. “You may have these ‘demons’ but look at us now. Here we are, together. And honestly? All I see is one amazingly strong and sexy man who just wants to make a life for himself. Look at what you’ve achieved so far. You’ve written best-selling books and you’ve just made love to a sexy film star.”

He grinned and Alex chuckled. “I tried to tame my urge recently, to reduce my level of dependence on Eric. But then something bad happened and I found myself back where I started.”

“Was it the thing with Dianne that made it worse?”

Sage sensed Alex’s hesitation. “No, it was something else. It doesn’t matter what it was.”

“So this thing with him—is it a punishment you think you deserve or is it something you want to happen?” Sage wasn’t a psychiatrist but it sounded a lot like self-punishment to him.

Alex was quiet for a long time before he spoke. “My therapist Melanie would tell you the root cause is self-loathing because I allowed my situation to happen, mixed with punishing myself
because
I allowed it and didn’t fight back. It all sounds so simple but it’s really not.” His voice trembled. “She’s right to a point but old habits die hard.” Alex chuckled but Sage heard the despair in his voice.

Sage stood up, walking over to where he thought his clothes lay in the darkened room. He found his jeans and shirt on the floor and pulled them on. He’d find his underwear later. He made sure to pick up the used condom and put it in his pocket for disposal later. He didn’t want that anywhere in the office, not even in the waste bin. Cleaners tended to talk and the last thing either of them needed was gossip about them fucking in the office. “So has anything ever worked out to the point that you feel you can give Eric up?”

Alex reached down for his jeans then frowned slightly, his eyes roving the room as if looking for something. Then he shrugged as he slid on his jeans. He turned to face Sage.

“No, Sage. A man wouldn’t want to share me with some other man who hurts me and does things to me that they’ll never be able to understand. I wouldn’t expect them to. These are my demons and that’s why I don’t get involved.”

“I can’t accept that.” Sage watched Alex in the darkness. “You’ve been doing this so long now perhaps it’s just a self-fulfilling prophecy. Perhaps you haven’t really had something or someone you care about enough to try and give up your other side and make it work.”

Alex laughed harshly, the sound jarring in the quiet room. “On the self-fulfilling idea my therapist definitely agrees with you. But it would take a very special type of man to have the patience to do that. Are you offering, then, Sage? Are you going to be my
saviour
?” His voice was mocking.

Sage strode over the room, pulling Alex to him, holding him close, feeling the heightened beat of his lover’s heart against his chest as he wrapped his arms around him, pinning Alex against him.

“Stop it,” he said savagely. “Stop being such a bastard, pushing away anyone who wants to help you. It’s not going to work on me because I see right through it.”

Alex leaned his head against Sage’s shoulder and Sage relaxed his grip. Alex’s arms slid in around Sage’s waist, burrowing in under his tee shirt, touching the warm skin beneath. Sage leaned down, kissing him fiercely. “You’ve gotten this far. We can take it a step further if you want. I want to help you, Alex.”

Alex looked up at him. Sage saw the wonder in his eyes. “You’re just a little too good to be true, even if you are banging other men. Not that I can complain of course. I’m banging another man.”

Sage heard the wry tone of Alex’s voice but he also heard the insecurity in it. “Alex,” he started to explain about Brian, but Alex reached up, laying a finger against Sage’s lips. “You don’t have to explain anything. You have needs, you’re not a bloody monk and you had no responsibility to me. I had no right to be upset.”

Sage groaned. “Alex, I blame you anyway. You left me all hot and bothered. So I suppose you could say in a roundabout way it
was
your fault.” He grinned, then Alex’s last words sank in. “What do you mean, you had no right to be upset? When I spoke to you that night, you acted as if you couldn’t give a damn.”

Alex was quiet. “It doesn’t matter. Just forget it,” he said evasively.

Sage moved back, looking at Alex. “Is that what upset you that you had to go to see your ‘therapist?’ Was I the cause of the bruises and the welts you have on you now?” He felt sick at the thought that he might have driven Alex into Eric’s domain.

Alex shifted in his arms. “Forget it. You aren’t responsible for the fact that I’m all fucked up. You can never be responsible for anything I do.”

Alex moved away as Sage ran a hand through his hair in consternation. Alex switched the light on and Sage could see his pale face and the bruised lips from his kisses. It made him want to start all over again. Sage moved around the room, hunting for his boxers, spotting them lying on the floor in a heap. He picked them up, stuffing them into his jeans pocket with a sigh of relief as Alex moved to the door, waiting for him. Sage felt a little out of sorts. This was a particularly unusual situation, he had to confess. “So what happens now?” he muttered.

Alex looked at him with sympathy. “Sage, I really like you. All we can do now is see where this goes. I’m not ready to tell you everything yet or answer any more questions. You have one very big advantage over anyone else I’ve been with. You’re the only person I’ve ever told the full story to apart from my therapist. Even the few friends I hang out with know nothing about my past. And the other men I was with? I just did everything in the dark, skirted around all their questions and finally drove them away because I was a bastard. So for me this has all been a little liberating. But for you it will be the opposite. You might want to pursue this—thing—we have but you need to understand you’re not the only one I’ll be seeing. I have no idea whether you’ll be able to do that without driving yourself crazy.”

Alex reached up, touching Sage’s face gently. “I don’t want to hurt you. But you need to understand that’s a risk you might have to take if you intend on being with me.”

Sage swallowed. “I understand. I don’t know if I can do it either. Seeing you hurt like that, in places I don’t even want to think about…” He winced.

Alex reached up and kissed him tenderly. “I promise you I’ll ask him to tone it down. I owe you that much if you’re prepared to put up with me like this. But I can’t make any promises. Not yet.”

Sage nodded. “I suppose we can only try.” He gave a twisted smile. “This isn’t quite how I’d imagined this going. Normally we’d start with dinner, not agreeing on levels of S and M with another man.” He swallowed, realising the full enormity of the situation he found himself in. “But if it means I can be with you just that little bit more, or help you get through this then I’m prepared to take a chance, at least for now.” He smiled faintly. “I really like you too.”

Alex grinned at him. “That’s all I can ask of you. But we need to have a safe word.”

Sage looked at him, his face darkening. “A ‘safe word?’ I don’t intend on doing any of those bloody S-and-M activities to you—”

Alex shook his head emphatically. “A word that tells me you’ve had enough, that tells me you need to move on without lengthy conversations, guilt or recriminations. Think of one. Then tell me what it is and I’ll tell you mine. It’ll mean that any time we want, if it gets too much for either of us, we just need to leave a note for the other person or tell the other person once. We have to promise each other we won’t try and make the other person stay and we don’t have to explain ourselves. You have to promise me you’ll follow the rules.”

Sage looked at him and sighed. He supposed what Alex said made sense in what was likely to be a very unorthodox relationship.

“Tallulah,” he muttered.

Alex frowned. “Is that your mother’s name or something?”

“My horse,” Sage remarked drily. “She’s the safest animal I know. It makes sense to me.”

Alex looked amused. “You and your horses. I hope to meet this other rival for your affections one day.” He stared at Sage. “My safe word is Chrysippus.”

Sage frowned. “That’s a bit dark. I know that story. We did Greek tragedy in drama school. He was kidnapped and raped by his tutor, then apparently killed himself. You have a fairly black sense of humour. I’m not sure I like that word and all its implications.”

“That’s my word. You don’t get to change it. Are we agreed then, with the words and the rules?”

Sage felt weary. “Yes, I agree. Chrysippus and Tallulah. God, they sound like women of disrepute in a whore house.”

Alex chuckled, looking more relaxed than he’d ever seen him. Sage’s heart lifted. Perhaps this would be all right after all.

“Come on, you.” Alex took him by the hand, leading him out of the office. “I need to get home and I’m sure your friend has a spare man at home for you to bonk.”

“No other men.” Sage shook his head. “Only you.”

Alex looked at him strangely. “Sage, I can’t insist you be exclusive with me. That was never my intention whether I like the idea it or not. That wouldn’t be fair on you under the circumstances. Just you knowing about me and being there occasionally for me is more than I’ve ever had before. I have no idea how this is going to work, when we’ll get to see each other—”

“No other men for me.” Sage was implacable. “That’s my commitment to you if this is ever going to work. I’m not having you going off half-cocked again and getting hurt.”

He saw relief in Alex’s eyes as he reached up, cupping Sage’s face in his hands then kissing him softly on the lips.