Saving Alexander (26 page)

“Alex? Are you in here? I wanted to check you were okay. No one’s heard from you all day.”

He opened Alex’s bedroom door slowly, his nostrils flaring as he smelt the source of the medicinal smell. Alex was in bed, covered with a blanket, his head turned toward the door, his eyes closed. He looked white in the darkness, his eyelids bruised and his lips bloodless. He was so still that for a heart-stopping minute, Sage thought he was dead.

Seeing the small bottle of pills on the side of the table and the empty vodka bottle, his mouth went dry with fear. Sage moved swiftly over to the bed, picking up the bottle. It was paracetamol. He bent down in panic, shaking Alex’s shoulder gently, then more roughly, stepping back in fright when his boyfriend cried out in pain, shooting bolt upright in the bed, the covers falling to his waist, leaving his upper body bare.

Sage’s heart thumped. “Jesus, I thought you were dead!” He held a hand to his chest.

Alex sat up, looking at him, his eyes and face emotionless. “How did you get in here, Sage?”

“I found the spare key. I was worried about you.”

Alex held up a hand. “I’d like you to leave please. You shouldn’t be here uninvited.” His voice was toneless.

Sage stared at him in astonishment. “Jesus, Alex. I know I was a bastard yesterday and I need to apologise but I just wanted to see you were all right. It’s me. I’m just not a bloody burglar or a rapist that’s broken in.”

Alex laughed harshly. “It really wouldn’t matter to me if you were. I’d still like you to leave.”

Sage heard the faint tone of something more vulnerable in Alex’s voice despite the hardness he was now displaying. “What’s that medicinal smell? Did you hurt yourself?”

Again Alex laughed but there was no amusement in the sound. “No. I leave that to other people. Haven’t you learnt that about me by now?”

Sage was scared. “What the hell is going on, Alex?”

In one swift movement he leaned over, switching on the bedside light. Alex’s eyes squinted with the sudden brightness. Sage saw the marks on his neck and throat, soft purple bruises left by sucking. He saw the bite and scratch marks on Alex’s chest and the long, deep red weals across his chest and the front of his shoulders. Sage stepped back, his face darkening and there was silence as they looked at each other.

“Did Eric do that?” Sage’s voice was hard, his jaw clenching. “You
let
him do that to you?” Bile rose in his throat and he thought he was going to throw up with his disappointment in this man he loved.

Alex regarded him expressionlessly. “What do you think? I was with him last night, wasn’t I?” He shifted uncomfortably in the bed and at the movement, Sage felt sicker. That was the action of a man who was pretty tender down below. He’d seen it before with Alex after a rather marathon sex session where Sage had been pretty needy.

“I thought you said you’d toned it down.” Sage glanced at Alex hopelessly, trying not to see the marks of betrayal on his boyfriend’s body.

“We don’t always get what we want. There is no happily ever after like in my novels.”

The bitterness and hopelessness in Alex’s voice drove nails of despair deep into Sage’s heart. “What else did he do? Why did you change your mind? Was it because I was such a prick? Christ, Alex, if you do this to yourself every time we have a disagreement or an argument there’s no hope…”

“There’s no hope anyway. That’s why I was going to give you this when I next saw you.” Alex handed him a small slip of paper from the bedside table. Sage opened it and he felt the blood drain out of his head when he saw what was written there in Alex’s neat cursive handwriting.

Chrysippus.

Sage looked up, nauseous. “You don’t mean this. You’re just upset.”

“You promised to obey the rules. No arguments, no convincing to stay, just a parting of ways. I won’t be coming into the studio anymore, I’m going to be working from home. I’ve sent Luke an email and set up conferencing facilities on my laptop. There’s nothing more to discuss, Sage. So please leave.” Alex looked implacable and Sage could see he was not going to be reasoned with.

The slow burn of anger and grief started to take over the incredible pain in his chest as he spat out his words. “I take back what I said about you. You’re not brave at all, you’re a damn coward. Things get tough and you go running off back to fucking Eric. If this is what you want, fine. I’m not going to argue. Life’s too bloody short.”

He turned, leaving the bedroom, his eyes blinded by tears, his breathing ragged and his being assailed by a dreadful sense of loss. He slammed the apartment door behind him, making sure he tucked the spare key back under the squirrel, walking blindly down the street toward the tube.

* * *

Back in his bedroom, Alex sat, tears etching trails down his pale cheeks, his heart-wrenching sobs echoing through the room. He felt as if life itself had just been wrenched out of his body.

I had to do it, Sage. I’m no good for you. I’ll never be free to love you the way you deserve to be loved. I’m a fucked-up human being and I’ll never be normal. Best to get it over before I’m even more in love with you than I am now. I don’t want anyone hurting you because of me and Eric would. I couldn’t bear that.

Chapter 24

Sage got back to his apartment hours later, after wandering aimlessly around the streets of London, stopping at any bar he could find to have a drink. By the time he got back to the apartment, he was drunk. He fumbled for his keys and when he couldn’t find them, he started banging on the door, shouting for Dan to let him in.

Finally the door opened and Dan’s blond, tousled head peered out into the corridor. “Shit, Sage. You’re fucking wasted, mate. Come on. Get in here before we bloody well get evicted.” He pulled his friend into the flat, locking the door. “I at least thought you’d ask me to the party.” Dan grinned as he regarded his flatmate. “What made you go all one-man show? You don’t normally.”

Sage waved his hands around. “Celebration, old chum. I’m a free man. No more Alex. I can bang Brian again now.” He squinted at Dan’s closed bedroom door. “Is he here? Tell him to get his tight arse out here. I’m home and horny.”

“There’s no one here, just me and I’m sure as hell not doing you. Come on, mate, let’s get you to bed.” He led Sage into his bedroom, pulling back the covers and pushing him back on the bed.

Sage looked at him with raised eyebrows. “I thought you said you weren’t doing me? This looks shuspishly”—he struggled with the word—“just like you intend giving me one, Dan.” He chuckled drunkenly.

Dan shook his head in amusement. “Your backside’s safe with me.” He leaned down and took off Sage’s trainers, lifting his legs onto the bed and pulling the covers over him. He sat down beside him, his eyes questioning. “What happened? Why aren’t you with Alex anymore? I thought you two were solid.”

“Chrysippus, Dan. Chrysippus. He said the word and I have to go. No arguments.” His throat clogged up with pain.

Dan frowned, reaching out to clasp his shoulder. “I have no idea what you’re talking about, buddy. We’ll talk tomorrow. You need to sleep it off. I’ll see you in the morning, Sage.”

Sage awoke the next morning with a head that felt as if a train had been through it. He promptly raced to the bathroom, vomiting violently, spewing out the contents of his stomach as he retched uncontrollably. He stayed in there for about half an hour while his stomach settled. Finally he stood up, the room reeling, and went into the bathroom to shower. He stood in there for a while, letting the water wash over his body as he tried to dispel the feeling of emptiness inside him. The drink had taken it away for a short time but now it was back. He got dressed and went out to find Dan in the kitchen, sitting reading a newspaper.

Dan grinned as his friend came in. “Feeling all right there? Jesus, buddy, I’ve never seen you so plastered as you were last night.”

Sage poured coffee from the cafetiere into a mug and sat down next to Dan. “I can’t remember most of it. I don’t even remember getting home.” He drank the black coffee thirstily. “Thanks for getting me into bed.”

“No problem. You’ve done the same for me before. Do you remember why you got drunk in the first place?”

Sage sighed heavily. “I remember. Alex gave me the boot. He used his safe word and that’s it. We’re history.”

“Why did he do that? What the hell did you do?” Dan looked puzzled.

Sage stared broodily into his coffee cup. “He’s scared. Confused. I was an arsehole. I stuffed it up and pushed him too hard. I can’t even go and try and convince him otherwise. We made a promise that when one of us use the safe word that’s it. I can’t go back on that now so I need to live with it.”

Dan shook his head. “Fuck that, Sage. You need to talk to him, reason with him. Don’t give up, mate. That’s not like you.”

Sage shook his head helplessly. “I can’t do this anymore, Dan. It’s too bloody hard. Maybe I’m better off without Alex. This whole thing has made me into someone I barely recognise anymore. Some twat who gets jealous and angry and—” his voice choked up. “Someone who hurts people, Dan.”

“Christ, Sage, of course you get jealous and angry!” Dan’s voice was strident. “Alex has another lover, for God’s sake. Maybe not in the truest sense of the word, but you’re a fucking saint for getting this far.” He stood up, walking around to his friend’s side. Sage’s hands clenched beside him in pain as Dan placed a hard hand on his shoulder.

“You, my friend, have done more than anyone could ever expect. I’ll not have you thinking you’ve turned into some Dastardly Dan, Sage. That’s just not true. Yes, you’ve become a bit of a moody git but then who wouldn’t be, with what you’re facing?”

Sage shook his head tiredly. “Dan, I know you mean well but this isn’t Alex’s fault either. It obviously just wasn’t meant to be. He’s a victim too. More so than you can ever imagine.” He stood up. “I need to get to work. I need to keep my head busy, get back to normal. I’ll see you later.”

He reached out and pressed his friend’s shoulder tightly. “Thanks for the support. I really appreciate it. I’ll see you later.”

That’s a joke. Life getting back to normal. As normal as it can be without Alex. God, it hurts. Now we’ll never know whether it could have got any better.

The next four weeks passed for Sage in a blur of hectic filming schedules and a whirlwind of promotional events. He’d taken everything Luke and Jenny could throw at him in an effort to forget Alex. Despite his promise not to push, Sage had given in to his need and called Alex a dozen times, leaving messages about getting together and talking. Dan had pushed him to reconnect to the extent that he’d felt like punching his friend in the face for his sheer optimism and goading.

None of it had made any difference. Alex hadn’t returned one of his calls or texts. Sage had passed his flat on his bike a couple of times a day and even knocked on the door once to see if Alex was there. He either hadn’t been in or hadn’t answered the door—Sage suspected the latter. Finally he’d felt like some unwelcome stalker, deciding he’d better stop his incessant desire to communicate. He hadn’t been with anyone since Alex had kicked him out, despite Dan’s best efforts at getting the sexy Brian to visit him again. This time Sage had not availed himself of Bri’s services and the man had left the apartment with a moody, displeased shake of his head. Sage met his own needs in the solitude of his bedroom, really not interested in being with anyone else just yet. His broken heart could take no more.

Alex had been true to his word, communicating with the film studio via conference call, email and video messaging. The few occasions he had come in person, he’d made sure Sage wasn’t there, waiting until he was away at a modelling gig, an interview, a promotional dinner or lunch. The man seemed to have a direct line to Sage’s social calendar and Sage thought wryly that its name might be Jenny. He didn’t blame Jenny at all. Alex was her client too and there was still a TV series to be made. Personal issues needed to be put on hold.

Luke had been determined to raise Sage’s profile before the launch of the
Double Exposure
series next year. Sage had generated enough publicity in the work he’d done to make this a fairly easy job. That meant travelling through Europe and the UK on a whirlwind, nonstop tour of events and opportunities. He and Luke were currently sitting in a pub in Munich, on yet another promotional tour, enjoying a large pint of beer each.

Luke looked at him quizzically. “How are you holding up with flying around the world attending events, premieres and awards ceremonies? Do you feel like a movie star yet?”

Sage sighed. “I’m enjoying it to some extent but I often find myself heaving a sigh of relief when I get back to my hotel room.”

“How are you holding up really without Alex? I don’t know the whole story behind your breakup, but it seemed a real shame.” Luke’s voice was full of concern for his young protégé.

“I haven’t seen Alex in ages. I’ve seen him on your video conference calls but he hasn’t really been to the studio whilst I’m there. He’s definitely avoiding me.” He’d even debated whether to send Alex a card on the twenty-fourth of October some time ago for his birthday but he’d decided against it.

He remembered seeing the face of Sarah Brose who’d smiled nastily when it was announced that Alex wasn’t coming back full time. She’d glared at him in satisfaction. He was reminded now that he still hadn’t talked to Luke about getting rid of her. To be honest, he didn’t really care much now. The events of Dianne’s letter bomb and Miles’ hit-and-run had paled into insignificance as nothing further happened. The police were still investigating but nothing had surfaced. And his loss of Alex had just numbed him to anything. He was operating on autopilot, going through the motions without really thinking about anything. The ache in his chest had gotten no weaker.

Sage took a slurp of his beer, not sure whether he’d even get to the bottom of the enormous stein he was holding. “I’m concentrating on my career at the moment.”

Luke smiled slyly. “Well, you are getting visible. Every time I see you you’ve got a different beautiful woman on your arm pleasing all the fans. I know those fashion shoots for the men’s clothing chain were a hit. Women do love to see you in a suit.”