Saving Alexander (28 page)

“Luke, sorry to disturb. Have you got the schedule yet for tomorrow’s meeting with Manx Fashion?” He noticed Alex sitting on one side of the room and he acted surprised, hoping he was as good an acting talent as everyone said he was.

“Alex, hello. I didn’t see you there. You’re looking well.”

Alex was looking well. He’d put on weight again and his face was rosier than normal.

He smiled slightly, looking nervous at seeing him. “Hello, Sage. It’s good to see you. Although I see you often now on the TV. You’re becoming quite the celebrity.”

Sage nodded, turning back to Luke who was watching him with a faint grin. “So? Schedule. Times. You’ll let me have them so I can organise my time tomorrow? I’ve got quite a bit on.”

Luke nodded. “I’ll give them to you. It’s at eleven A.M. anyway. Put it in your Blackberry.”

Sage nodded, turning to leave. He wanted to stay and talk but he wasn’t sure what to do next without being too obvious.

Luke called out to him. “How’s the chin? I saw Mike connect with it. Are you all right? I don’t have to worry about any equity complaints for abuse of my actors?”

Sage chuckled. “I’m fine. I got distracted and didn’t block him. It could have been worse.”

Luke laughed. “I’m glad it’s not bruised. You’ve got that black tie to-do tonight at the Dorchester. I understand you’re taking Lance with you? He likes his men neat and tidy, does that one. He’s a bit of a prig.” Sage saw a glimmer of mischief in Luke’s eyes.

Out of the corner of his eye, Sage saw Alex’s eyes drop down to his hands at Luke’s comment. “Lance likes me anyway, Luke. And not necessarily neat and tidy.” He grinned and then saw the sudden play of emotion across Alex’s face. He hadn’t liked that last comment, Sage thought in surprise.

Luke waved him out. “Away with you, you randy sod.”

Sage left the office, feeling very confused.

Why was Alex unhappy that he was going to a function with Lance?

In all truth he and Lance had nothing going, it was simply a plus-one arrangement the publicity company made to give him an escort at formal dinners. Sage sat in Alex’s old office, a place he’d become partial to as it bought back good memories and kept Alex close. He was having a sandwich and a cup of coffee, keeping a beady eye on Luke’s office and the activity inside. He watched Alex as he leaned over Luke, both of the sharing something on his desk, probably a script. Sage wondered again why he was here. At first he’d had the mounting hope that Alex was there to see him but that didn’t seem to be the case. Sage was professional enough to leave his director and the writer alone to conduct their meeting but that didn’t stop him wanting to rush in there and demand that Alex speak to him. He’d definitely try to see him before he left. There was a knock at the door. He looked up to see Dianne standing there.

“Sage, have you got a moment for Janine and I? There’s some script changes we wanted to talk about for the shoot tomorrow.”

Sage’s eyes shot over to Luke’s office. He and Alex still sat there.

He probably had a few minutes to spare, the way they were so deep in conversation.

Sage nodded. “Yes, of course. Let me bring my sandwich and we can talk while I eat.”

But it was close to ten minutes later when he arrived back in the office after his discussion. He groaned in frustration. Luke’s office was empty. Sage looked around the studio but saw neither of them. He searched the room, seeing no sign of Alex.

Shit. He must have left already. Just my crappy luck. That fucking meeting cost me my chance to speak to him.

Sage picked up his script, throwing his half-eaten sandwich into the bin in a temper. Darkness settled in his soul like a smog blanket. He was trying to concentrate on his lines when he heard a noise at the door.

Sage looked up and his heart leapt like a fish in a net. “Alex.”

Alex moved into the room, his hands drawn tightly by his sides. He looked very nervous.

Sage stood up. “I thought you’d gone already. What are you doing in here? I looked for you; where were you?”

“I dashed out to get a new battery for my mobile. It’s been giving me problems and there’s that little mobile shop across the road.” Alex moved into the room uncertainly.

Sage found his voice. “So how have you been? You’re looking well.”

Alex looked up at him. “I’ve been all right, Sage. I’m really glad I saw you though. I wanted to talk to you while I was here. It’s the reason I came in today. If that’s all right with you of course.”

Sage nodded, Alex’s words about his reason for coming in the last ones he’d heard. “We can stay in here and talk I suppose. At least it’s private.”

He perched on the end of the desk and waited. “What do you want to talk to me about?” Sage was determined to be polite and formal, not get his hopes up until he knew more about what he wanted.

Alex looked extremely uncomfortable. “I needed to see you to explain something. I’m going away on a book tour to the US tomorrow for the Christmas December Book Fest and I’m not sure how long I’ll be there. It might be a little while.”

Sage’s stomach dropped at the implications of the words. He wondered how long ‘long’ was. It sounded like he might not be coming back. That must be what Alex wanted to tell him. His heart sank.

Alex swallowed. “The last time we met, when I gave you that piece of paper—I wasn’t quite myself. I wanted to explain why I did that. I think I owe you an explanation after all.”

Sage thought he had a right to be a little bloody-minded. “You don’t need to explain anything. That’s what we agreed, wasn’t it?” Sage was uncompromising. “It was the whole idea of the safe word. No explanations. Just walk away. Your rules.”

He’d been waiting for an explanation for weeks but now he had the chance, he felt difficult enough to challenge the fact. Bitterness welled in him again, unbidden but always just beneath the surface. Bitterness was something he wasn’t used to, it was something Alex had created in him.

Alex nodded. “Yes, that’s right. But can I please finish?”

Sage heard the steel in his voice. He gestured to Alex to continue.

Alex moved over to the window, looking out. His back was rigid. “I’ve been seeing Melanie a lot since that night. She’s really been pushing me to confront my feelings. Whether it makes sense to you or not I wanted to tell you about the outcome. You deserve that much at least even if you never want to talk to me or see me again. I honestly wouldn’t blame you.”

Sage watched him carefully, not saying anything, not trusting himself to as hope flared in his beaten breast.

Alex turned to face him, his eyes bleak. “The night I went to see Eric at Study in Scarlet, I was ready to give it all up. I thought that would be the last session.”

Sage’s heart sank. His impatience and bloody-mindedness had been the catalyst for their breakup in his mind. Sage had never felt so wretched. He sat back in the office chair behind the desk, putting his feet up on the table as he watched Alex’s face.

Alex took a shuddering breath. “Eric disobeyed all the instructions. He bound me, gagged me and then did what
he
wanted. Not what I wanted. He—”

He closed his eyes and Sage sat forward, seeing the pain on Alex’s face. Sage’s instinct was to reach forward and pull Alex to him but it was still far too early to do that. He still didn’t trust Alex not to hurt him again.

“He hurt me badly that night.” Alex’s voice was flat. “He went berserk with his own selfish needs. He thought I’d betrayed our relationship. He just didn’t stop. It was like Rudy all over again.” His voice was husky. Sage winced at that image and at the pain in Alex’s voice. But still he didn’t move. He couldn’t. If he did, he would never let Alex go. And he wasn’t yet sure that was what Alex wanted.

“I was tied up and gagged and I couldn’t do anything. Then”—his voice faltered but he looked at Sage defiantly—“Then Eric raped me. I know you might not think of it that way given what I did with him before but—”

Sage moved his feet off the desk violently and leaned forward, his face black. “Alex, no matter what you did before, if you didn’t want sex, that’s still rape.” Sage wanted to put his hands around Eric’s throat, choke the life out of him for making Alex wear the expression he did now. Shame, guilt and fear. “The man fucking raped you?” Sage wanted to beat Eric to a bloody pulp.

“Yes.” It was a whisper and Sage stood up, striding over to Alex, pulling him close to his chest. He didn’t care whether Alex wanted it or not. But from the soft sigh and the exhalation of warm breath he felt as Alex burrowed into his embrace, he thought he did. And Sage wanted it too, so very badly. There was silence then Sage pulled back to see Alex’s face. “Tell me the rest,” he murmured.

Alex closed his eyes, still nestled in Sage’s arms. “I told myself it was all my fault, I must have caused it, but it wasn’t. I didn’t want the sex he wanted to give me, I was over that because”—he swallowed—“Because I had you and that was better than anything I’d ever had before. He threatened you, Sage. He said he’d get one of his gay S-and-M friends to show you a good time. I couldn’t have anyone hurt you, Sage. The thought of someone doing that sort of thing to you just made me feel sick. I didn’t want you to feel the same way I used to. Abused and violated. You’re too good to go through that and you didn’t deserve it, certainly not because of me. Too many bad things have happened to people you care about because of me and my bloody books.”

At these words, Sage closed his eyes, a lump in his throat. He kissed the top of Alex’s head. “Alex, why didn’t you tell me all this then?” His voice was anguished.

Alex voice choked up and he looked up at Sage, his eyes bright. “I thought the best way to stop you getting hurt was to send you away because I knew you were upset with me already. I went back to that old place in my head. I thought I’d asked for what Eric did to me. I thought I deserved it. I knew I was just so fucked up and I couldn’t drag you down with me. You deserve so much better than me, Sage.”

Sage pulled Alex to him desperately, feeling the steady beat of his heart against his chest. “Jesus, Alex, babe. You might have been fucked up but you were
my
fuck-up.” He felt the movement of Alex’s mouth against his chest, as if he was smiling. “You could have told me all this instead of writing a stupid word on a piece of paper and breaking my bloody heart.”

Alex’s eyes drunk him in. “I’m so sorry, Sage. I had to tell you that before I went away. No matter what you think of me now.”

Sage shook his head. “I never thought any less of you, Alex. I can’t even begin to fathom what you’ve been through in your life. I can’t pass judgement. And you are not responsible for what happened to Dianne or Miles. That’s all the doing of the crazy person. You can’t beat yourself up about that.”

Alex’s lips trembled and Sage groaned, taking them in a desperate kiss, his own mouth grinding against Alex’s. Alex moaned and kissed him back, their tongues seeking each other’s out as they pressed their bodies together. Sage knew then he was never going to let this man go ever again. Finally they drew apart but Sage didn’t let Alex move too far away from him. His hands gripped Alex’s waist tightly. Alex leaned his forehead against Sage’s and gave a husky chuckle.

“You’re going to give me bruises, Sage. I promise I’m not going anywhere.”

Sage smiled against Alex’s skin. "You’re damn right about that. We’ve wasted too much bloody time already.” He kissed Alex’s cheek tenderly. “Not to mention the fact my sex life has been nonexistent since you went.”

Alex leaned back, his face alight with mischief. “Dan didn’t organise any pickups for you then? Brian didn’t make a reappearance to avail himself of your marvellous oral skills?”

Sage’s face flamed and Alex smiled. “No, Brian bloody well didn’t. It wasn’t for lack of trying though. Dan tried to get me to forget my woes by offering me every succulent morsel he could find.” Sage grew serious. “But nothing seemed to assuage this need I had to have you back. You spoilt me for everyone else.”

Alex kissed him gently. “Thank you for saying that.”

Sage wanted to ask if it had been the same for Alex.

Had he been elsewhere to get what he needed?

But he didn’t want to spoil the magic of this moment by asking that question now. He’d find out later when they were more settled. He thought they still had a lot more talking to do about the time they’d been apart. Instead, he reached for Alex again and pulled him over for another deep kiss.

Finally they pulled apart and Alex moved away to sit on the couch that they’d first made love on. He patted the spot at his side, and Sage sat down beside him.

“Melanie’s been doing a lot of therapy with me, using hypnosis too. It’s the first time she’s been able to do that with me. She said I have you to thank for that as well, for opening me up to other possibilities in my life aside from punishing and debasing myself.” He swallowed, a slight smile on his face. “She says you’re a saint, that you have more compassion and patience than anyone she’s ever heard of to do what you did for me.”

Sage laughed. “I’m nobody’s saint, Alex. You should know better than that after what we did together. Especially that bit in the stables.” He grinned, feeling as if a huge weight had lifted from his soul.

Alex smiled, and Sage quailed at the look of apprehension on his face at his next question. “Do you still love me, despite all that’s happened?”

Sage nodded. “Yes, I still love you, Alexander Montgomery,” he whispered. “I never stopped, God help me.”

Alex gave a deep shuddering sigh, reaching up to kiss Sage desperately. If Sage could have absorbed Alex, kept him close, worn him and protected him, he would have. Finally Alex let his mouth go. “I never stopped loving you either.” Alex’s warm fingers traced the contours of Sage’s face.

“I think I can live with that. The fact you’re here in my arms, that’s all I need.” Sage looked at Alex sympathetically. “I imagine you didn’t go the police with this? Too many questions would be asked.”

Alex nodded. “Not only that. Can you imagine me telling the police I was raped after what I’ve been doing with the man for the past two years? They would never have taken me seriously. And if it had got out, the publicity would have been too much to bear. I couldn’t take that chance.” He hesitated. “And I didn’t want Eric to come after you because I’d reported him. He would hurt you, and that I couldn’t bear. It was best just to forget what he did to me and not go back to Study in Scarlet.”