Saving Toby (21 page)

28.
Claudia

In the car, on the way to the airport, I was still
exhilarated over all that had happened the night before, right up to my Romeo
and Juliet balcony scene with Toby escaping out my bedroom window earlier that
morning.

Dad was somber when he hugged me goodbye. He wasn’t used to
having so little control over what I did—and it was easy to see, he didn’t like
it.

“I didn’t originally want you to go, but I think being away
will give you some much needed breathing space from that guy,” he said.

“That guy’s name is Toby,” I replied with a huff.

I thought a lot about Toby on the plane. First, I thought
about how our long distance relationship would work. But that was easy—as long
as I threw myself into my studies, without any distractions, I would excel.
Toby and I could still talk on the phone and over the Internet. Maybe he would
even visit me. I daydreamed about how it would be when I came home on holidays
and for the summer. I imagined the homecomings would be great, romantic
reunions for us. I would have both my mind and heart’s desire.

As soon as my plane touched down at the airport in Los
Angeles, I called Toby.

“I’m here!” I announced. “My mother is picking me up, and
we’re going directly to the campus.”

“Good,” he replied, with little excitement. When he didn’t
say anything more, I wondered if something had happened.

I rushed to fill in the silence. “How’s Dylan? And your
mom?”

“They’re fine. Everybody is fine,” he grumbled and then
said, “I can’t talk. I got into work late this morning, and Abe’s on the
warpath. Call me later.”

“Yes, of course,” I said. And more quietly, “I love you.”

I heard something like ‘okay’ or ‘sure.’ I realized he’d not
actually said those three words to me yet.

“Say it back,” I demanded.

“Claude, I’m at work,” he reminded me, but then, in a small
voice he said, “I miss you.”

I’d hoped for more, but knowing how anguished he had been
about work lately, I let it go. It would have to be enough to know he felt more
than he was willing to say.

“I miss you more,” I whispered.

“Impossible,” he remarked wryly. “No one here laughs at my
jokes. When I tried to kiss Marie this morning, she smacked me.”

“Serves you right for trying to kiss anyone but me,” I told
him. “Now practice saying the ‘l’ word while I’m gone, tough guy. I want to
hear it when I get home.”

“I’ll try, Claude,” he said, sounding relieved. “Talk to you
tonight.”

The sun was shining as I stepped onto a walkway leading up
to Hahn Central Plaza at the University of Southern California’s main campus. I
stared at the scene before me. It was one of the most beautiful views ever—a
myriad of architecturally inspiring brick buildings. The sense of being in a
place completely immersed in classrooms, books, computers, professors, and all
things scholarly, made me feel warm and fuzzy all over.

Academia. I loved school. Here I was, making this learning
atmosphere my new home. A new adventure, written just for me.

The transfer student orientation kept me busy with group
exercises, paperwork, tours, and faculty meet and greets. Though I made several
new friends, there was little time to have a complete thought. The day’s events
left me seriously exhausted, but when I got back to the temporary dorm, the
girls I was rooming with—Kate, Misha and Emily—stayed up all hours talking. I
barely remembered going to bed.

When I opened my eyes, it was morning, and I realized that
I’d never called Toby. I grabbed my phone and saw I had missed several of his
calls.

“Where were you?” he barked into the phone. “You said you’d
call me last night before you went to bed. Remember?”

He’d never spoken to me like that before.

“I’m sorry. It was such a busy day. Some of the girls and I
were talking, and I guess I fell asleep.”

“Well, I hope you had a good time,” he snapped.

Annoyed, I replied flippantly, “I did.”

He made a growling noise.

“Stuff like this is going to happen from time to time, and
I’m not going to defend myself,” I objected. “You’re going to have to learn how
to deal with it.”

“Shit. Shit. Shit,” I could hear him muttering under his
breath.

“Why are you so angry?”

“Why? 'Cause you’re there and I’m here. 'Cause I wanted to
talk to you last night. 'Cause my job is shitty. 'Cause I feel like you’re
moving forward and I’m standing still.” The long stream of annoyances rushed
out on a breath. There was a pause before he sighed.

More calmly, he said, “I’m in a lousy mood. I don’t want to
be here anymore. I’m practically crawling the walls.”

I chewed on my lower lip. “I’ll be back next week.” He
already knew this, but I was trying my best to remain optimistic. “We’ll spend
as much time together as possible before I leave to start the semester. And
then you’ll start classes at Suffolk. You’ll be busy, too. It’ll work out.”

“Claude, I have a better idea,” he said. “Now that Julia’s
getting better, I could come out to L.A. I’ll find a job, get an apartment, and
then we can be together. You could stay with me on the weekends.”

My back stiffened at the suggestion of the semi living
together arrangement. This was supposed to be my experience.

“No, no,” I murmured, my emotions warring. “Don’t put me in
this position.”

“What ‘position’?” he asked, stiffly. “Having your stupid
fucking boyfriend around?”

“Jeez, don’t talk like that,” I snapped, irritated again. “I
only meant I would have to divide my time between you and school.”

“Oh, I get it. You don’t want me getting in your way over
there.”

“It isn’t like that!” It was exactly like that.

“Yeah, right,” he said, his voice like stone. “I gotta go to
work.”

“Toby!”

The line went dead, and I stared blankly at my cell. I
dialed him right back. Straight to voicemail.

In the sudden quiet, and all alone, I felt miserable. I
missed home. I missed Toby. I started to wonder what I was doing. Could I
really do this—be separated, so far away from the guy I loved and everything I
knew—for most of the year?

When I thought about how much I’d gone through to get here,
the only answer was yes. I’d wanted this for so long. Too long. I couldn’t wimp
out and throw away this opportunity. I had to be strong.

I quietly began my second day on campus. Maybe Toby just
needed some time. I hoped he would be in a better mood later.

Two days later, with orientation out of the way, I went to
stay with my mother at her apartment in downtown San Diego to spend the rest of
the week.

Toby hadn’t called me, not once, since he hung up on me. I’d
left him a zillion messages and texts. I reasoned that he couldn’t possibly be
that angry with me. Something must have happened with Devlin, or worse, Toby’s
mother. I decided to call Mrs. Faye. At least if I got hold of her, I would
feel a little better.

“Hi honey,” she greeted me, cheerfully.

“Mrs. Faye, thank God!” Although nothing in her voice hinted
at anything amiss, I couldn’t keep the distress out of my own. “Is everything
alright? I haven’t heard from Toby in a few days. I’ve been so worried.”

“We’re fine,” she insisted.

“I’ve left dozens of messages. Toby hasn’t returned any of
my calls.”

“I’m sorry he’s had you worried. I’d put him on the phone
now, but he’s not home.” Mrs. Faye paused and then said, “Since you left, he
seems off. Shaken. I imagine he’s probably worried about you being away.”

“Mrs. Faye, I love you both too much to stay away,” I rushed
out. “I need to be here—to do this, but I’ll be back.”

“Oh, honey, I’m not worried. But my son seems to lack faith
in believing that despite this temporary change, things will still turn out
well. Maybe if I’d given him more reassurance when he was younger,” she
considered out loud. “I suppose that’s what happens when you let a boy fend for
himself at such a young age.”

“It was a bad time for you, too.”

“But I need to right some of my past wrongs. I want very
much to help him figure out where he’s going in life and see him get there. If
only he didn’t seem so restless the last few days. It’s like he’s getting ready
to go.”

“Go?” Nervously, I clutched my throat. I remembered his
words.
I don’t want to be here anymore. I’m practically crawling the walls.

“Don’t worry. I’ll make him call you when he comes in
tonight. And once you talk, I’m sure he’ll settle down. Distance does not
divide people, honey. Fear does.”

Inspired by my conversation with Mrs. Faye, I took a long
walk. Toby and I had not even had a full week apart, and it was already
affecting us, the distance stretching and testing us.

Mrs. Faye was so right about fear. Both Toby and I had
responded in fear—he worried he was losing me, and me … I’d worried about
losing my independence. Now I realized it was unreasonable for me to not only
expect him to stay back, but to also be happy about being there—in a place he
was eager to get away from—all while I went off and had my own, private
adventure.

I understood then, I had to bend my rules—I had to
compromise. My goal to attain absolute independence might be slightly stymied by
Toby’s presence in Los Angeles, but craving his touch, his smell, his taste,
changed my perspective. I wanted him here, with me.

29.
Toby

I was in the pissiest of moods. We’d tailed Dev around
looking for an opportunity to lift the knife off of him, but we’d lost track of
him.

Ray had gone with me to the Dirty Dog Pub, an old dive next
to the train tracks. I couldn’t see straight. Adrenalin pumped through me like
fire. For the first time in a long while, I went looking for a fight. It didn’t
take more than two drinks before I’d started to mix it up with some asshole.
Before I’d been able to land any blows, though, the mammoth bouncer threw us
out.

Out of ideas, we’d gone back to Ray’s. He got stewed while I
chased beers with shots of
Jägermeister
.

“Did you check your messages?”

“Yeah, man. He didn’t call.” Ray pulled at his hair. “Dev’s
a lot of things, but he ain’t st-stupid. He knows s-somethings up.”

Shit.

Ray was taking the plea bargain, agreeing to testify in
court that he witnessed Dev stab the Dominican. In exchange, he would get
probation and have to enter a drug rehabilitation program. His lawyer was
working out the details with the authorities. Once a formal agreement was made,
the police would go after Dev. Once that was set in motion, my fate was a
crapshoot.

I rested my head on the damp resin table, not caring that it
was coated with a thick layer of yellowy-green pollen spores. “I have to bounce
out of town. As soon as I can. Before Dev is arrested.”

“Where to? California?”

“No. I’m not sure where yet.”

“But what about y-your girl?” Ray asked.

I sat up and wiped the pollen away with the back of my hand.
“That’s cooked. Time to shoot it and put it out of its misery.”

Ray just nodded. “A-another one bites the d-dust,” he said.

I’d gotten too close, and now I was getting burned. Any
schmuck understood that when a girl said she wanted her space, it was over.
Felicia was right. With Claudia on the other coast, it was just a matter of
time before she let go completely. I wouldn’t let it drag out. I had to cut it
off now, before it got even uglier.

Ray had to work the late shift, manning the counter and
making coffee at 7-Eleven to the wee hours of the morning. I moved to leave,
but the dick took my car keys. I didn’t want to crash at his house, so a little
while later, on his way to work, he dropped me off at the corner of Tariff
Street and Roosevelt. I walked up the block, alone with my thoughts.

My life was veering off course, once again, and I wasn’t sure
how to put it back on track. I couldn’t see a way out of this situation with
Dev other than leaving town. Julia was doing better, and if Claudia hadn’t made
it clear that I was invading her space, I could already be on my way to
California.

After this, I knew all love was shit.

At the door of my house, I glanced over my shoulder looking
for Dev, his car or anything out of the ordinary. The night was dead quiet. In
my head, a monster headache was screaming at my brain. The racket was storming,
and a thick, blistering meanness was rolling in. Darkness gnashed its teeth. I
needed to sleep. Being unconscious was about the only thing that would make me
feel better.

Julia was sitting on the couch in the living room, her head
low as she read from a book in her lap. The air in the house was breathless and
stifling, worse than the humidity outside. She didn’t even have a fan on.

“Good, you’re home,” she said.

All I could think about was going up to my room and cranking
up the a/c unit in my window. Julia reached out her hand and stopped me.

“Toby, we need to talk.”

Placing a marker inside the pages, she closed the thick,
hard covered book with an empowered thump. Then I saw the bold, gold-lettered
title,
The Holy Bible
.

I suspected she’d been reading verses in preparation to
speak to me.

“Oh, great,” I moaned under my breath.

She eyed me. “Have you been drinking?”

I shrugged. “I had a few beers with Ray.”

“I thought you were done with those boys,” she said, giving
me her exasperated frown.

“Yeah, well, I guess not,” I responded impatiently. “Ma, I
have a really bad headache. Talk to me tomorrow.”

“No, we’ll talk now.” She wagged a finger at me. “Claudia
called.”

Scrutinizing the rigid set of Julia’s shoulders, I knew this
was not going to be quick.

“Don’t mention her name to me anymore. We’re done.”

Julia’s mouth dropped open. “What are you talking about?
That girl loves you.”

I squinted at her, wondering how she knew that.

“And I happen to know, you love her, too,” Julia insisted,
with complete certainty.

I gritted my teeth. “No, Ma. You’re wrong. I liked her a
lot, much more than other girls. But love? No.”

“Of course, you do. That’s why you’re so grumpy lately,” she
reasoned. “You just don’t recognize it. I can’t say it surprises me, because
Lord knows we’ve been through some dreadful times in this house. But those are
past us. And, past you. You’re moving forward. With Claudia, God has opened a
whole new path for you.”

“Are you saying God is only now opening this path for me?
Where was he through all the other shit—your sickness, Dad’s accident, Al’s
conviction?” I shook my head, sickened at her attempt to bring religion into
this. There were so many years of shit that I’d kept to myself because she
couldn’t handle it. Despite all her faith, she’d always been too fragile to
deal with it.

Julia lifted her chin, her face set for a lecture.
“Sometimes we need to fall before we can reach new heights. But He is always
with you. He is the one that has given you strength to keep going. And, you
might not believe it, but you have yet to see your best days.”

“Don’t preach that bullshit to me.”

“You listen to me.” With a clear purpose, Julia stood. “I
may not have been a perfect mother, but I’m doing my best to make up for that
now. My friends and I are praying for you. If you stay here and push through
this, God and I will see you through it. God will hear our prayers.”

“Great. Just great.” I hated the thought of all those
uptight holy rollers chanting on my behalf. “You can pray all you want for me,
but this is as good as it gets.”

“No, no.” She shook her head vehemently. “You will do more,
lots more. I feel it. I know it. Don’t you see? You’re uncomfortable where you
are. It means you’re reaching the boiling point. Everything is about to change.
You only need to stay strong. Have faith that things will turn around. You will
be rewarded.”

The heat in the house was overbearing. Sweat was dripping
down my temples and armpits. The ache in my head crashed over my brain in
throbbing waves.

I pointed at her. “I came back here. I took care of you. I
got a nice girl and even signed up for college classes. I did every fucking
thing right,” I shouted. “I was the best goddamn possible version of me that I
could be. But what has that gotten me? Nothing! I’m not being rewarded—I’m
fucking being punished!”

Julia shrunk back as my voice boomed through the house. My
shouting made every nerve in my head pulsate with a noxious hiss.

“I don’t like that language,” she snipped. Drops of
perspiration beaded her face. Julia wiped her at forehead with her hand and
blinked, surprised by how much she was sweating. She inhaled a tight, short
breath and lowered her voice. “Claudia’s gone to college. She hasn’t left you.”

“She’s across the freaking country. She might as well be in
another country. And, she told me straight out, she doesn’t want me there. I
know you like her, but you need to get it through your head.” As if for my own
benefit as well, I roared, “Claudia and I are over!”

Julia clasped her hands together over her chest. “No. She
wants to be with you, but she needs to follow her dream. The distance won’t
change how she feels. That girl has so much faith and passion. But she also has
a clear vision of what she wants. That’s the only real difference between you
and her.”

I threw my hands up in the air. “You’re right. I don’t have
any vision. I didn’t have time to dream about what I wanted to be while I was
just trying to survive my childhood. I will never be anything more than what I
am right now. Why should I keep trying? What’s the point?”

“Oh, you are so stubborn!” Her eyes narrowed, and she curled
her hands into fists. “When you talk like that, it makes me so… so…” I had
never seen her so angry.

“Want to hit me, Ma?” Leaning in, I offered her my chin.
“Come on. Take a shot. Maybe it’ll make you feel better. It always made Al feel
better.”

Gasping, Julia recoiled as if I’d burnt her, her eyes
filling with tears.

“Yeah, Ma, you’re so anxious about getting me to reunite
with Al, but the fact is, he used to beat the shit out of me. Did you hear me?”
Needing her to really grasp it, I shouted it again, “My brother used to beat
the shit out of me.”

Her lips trembled, but still she shook her head.

“Yes, damn it! Al always hated me. The bruises healed, but I
have lots of scars to prove it. But this is my favorite—” Almost ripping the
fabric, I yanked my right sleeve up and shoved my tattooed shoulder under her
nose. “That’s where my big brother burnt me with his cigarette.”

Julia covered her mouth with one hand and held up the other.
“Stop. I mean it, Toby, please,” she cried out. Turning her back to me, she
reached shakily for the arm of the couch.

“Fine! Don’t listen! I always knew you couldn’t handle the
truth.” Clutching my aching head, I strode to the staircase muttering, “I have
to get the hell out of here,” before I bolted up the steps two at a time.

I slammed my bedroom door shut as hard as I could and
clicking on my laptop, I cranked up the volume. My skull pounded even more as
the rock beat erupted, but the hard bass encased the room and began to pull me
away from the fuming disorder in my life. After dialing the a/c onto the
coolest setting, I sifted through a few piles of laundry and found my duffle
bag. I yanked open a dresser drawer and began to toss my shit into it. Time to
go.

When I got to the second drawer, I felt a soft shimmying
within the house. I don’t know how I knew something was wrong, but I notched
down the volume on the computer and poked my head out the bedroom door to
listen.

I heard Julia’s cry. I tossed the bag aside and wrenched the
door the rest of the way open.

“Ma?” I called from my doorway.

A sad and breathless whimper came from the stairway.
Immediately rounding the hallway railing, I saw her lying at the bottom of the
steps. I flew down to her.

“Ma?” I dropped to my knees in front of her crumpled body
and folded her into my arms. Gray-faced, she stared up at me as incoherent
words fell from her lips.